jul-els

He’s telling you he’s not capable of being in a healthy relationship now. Believe him, he’s doing you a favor. You may want to ask yourself if you’re ready for one too, since you want so badly to be with someone who has told you he isn’t emotionally available. 

It can’t be undone now, but you can make it worse for her by continuing to contact her when she doesn’t want it. Just let it go. 

22 hours ago, serialmonogamist said:

Life would be wonderful if it was that simple eh. 

I never meant to suggest it would be simple. It depends on what it is you want. This is the situation. If you want it to work, then it has to be something you’re willing to work on. 

I have the same type of relationship with my family. I don’t speak with any of them and I don’t miss them. Mainly because there’s nothing to miss, since we never spoke before I decided to cut off contact. You should follow your heart. If you truly do want them in your life, make an effort while making sure to maintain healthy boundaries. You won’t know if it can work unless you try. 

It’s not weird to want to cultivate a friendship with them, but yearning for it so badly is a bit much. Just reach out from time to time and see if a connection slowly builds. If it does, great. If it doesn’t, it wasn’t meant to be. Don’t obsess over these two people. There are plenty of other people in the world you can be friends with. 

There’s really only one thing you need to consider and that’s whether the potential payout will be worth the risk. Crunch the numbers with your overhead to come up with the worst possible scenario. If that scenario is something you’d be ok with should it happen, go for it. If it isn’t, then don’t. 

2 hours ago, KShaun said:

Well if I don't marry him, I don't think I will have any interest in any future relationship with anyone else. I will just remain single because I don't have the capacity for any more heartbreak. It is the worst feeling. So chances are I will turn down anyone who decides to approach me in that way.

What other people think is not the most important thing to me. I would prefer to put my happiness before that.

It is just a very difficult situation for me.

Heartbreak sucks. It hurts and it takes time to get over, but in time it does heal. When it does, you’ll be open to being with someone again. A relationship that ends is an opportunity to learn about yourself, heal, and move forward stronger and wiser. 

He’s jealous, insecure, controlling and immature. That is who he is, regardless of what your feelings are for him. You need to look inside yourself and honestly ask yourself if these qualities of his are things you want to live with or if you are even capable of handling them should you marry him. You know how they make you feel now, and you know they make you unhappy. Over the long term it will take a toll on you and it will make staying with him difficult. Be very careful about what you decide to commit to. Your happiness and mental health need to take precedence over your feelings of love for him. 

Money can buy many things and it provides material security, but it can’t buy happiness. That’s because money can only buy things and happiness is not a thing, it’s an emotion, and like all emotions, it ebbs and flows. You have to know what it is that will make you happy before you can pursue it. You may need to do some soul searching to discover what those things are. You’re the only person who can answer the question of what will make you happy. 
 

More specifically to your question, there’s only two things you can do with money, which is spend it or invest it. Finding a balance of those two things that allows you to be comfortable is the best way to enjoy money, imo. Money doesn’t have anything to offer beyond that.

Finding someone you’re compatible with is like finding a needle in a haystack. That is a universal truth for everyone, so don’t put yourself down for it or think it’s only you. Doing so puts you in a negative state that will make you seem unattractive to a person that you might have an interest in.
 

Also, remember that romance is a game of chance. You can and probably will get hurt at certain times. It happens to people everyday. Think of a beekeeper; he has to get stung a few times before he learns how to handle the situation. For this reason you have to choose wisely, but also don’t let the fear of pain stop you from being open or receptive to finding someone you might be compatible with.
 

Also remember that not everyone you meet in life is going to like you or take an interest in you. That’s also a universal truth that applies to everyone, so again, don’t make it about you. Be yourself and only take an interest in someone who likes you for it and for whom you can do the same in return.
 

Easier said than done, but when you love and accept yourself as you are, you become open to doing the same for someone else. You also become able to allow someone to do the same for you.
 

Be open to accepting yourself as you are. If a person you are meant to be with comes along, then they will. If they don’t, they won’t. When you are ok with it either way, then you are happy with yourself as you are. Don’t get attached to outcomes. That is when you are ready for that special person to come along. 

16 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

So clarify for us then.  We can only go by what you have said and what you will not say...

The fact that you have avoided saying how many in person dates you have had would lead most to assume you do not want to disclose it because it looks bad to your wanted outcome.

  I do hope I am wrong and it all works out but this reminds me of the woman you dated with the two teenage kids except she wouldn't talk and this one won't let you talk.

Good luck

Lost 

I don’t know why you insist on going beyond the scope of the information I’ve presented. Assume. That’s an important word here. I would suggest that assuming is not the most helpful approach to take. I’m not trying to defend or justify my actions or choices here. I appreciate your concern, but I can assure you I’m not a person who doesn’t take the opportunity to learn from his own life’s lessons. 

20 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

I did re-read it and you didn't say how many times you have met in person unless it was just one in person date which does have everything to do with your post.  If you have been "seeing her" for 2 months and only had one in person date that is a red flag and if she is being critical of your  conversation style after only meeting once it is a big red flag.

 Continue at your own peril.  She is too busy to have real dates, she is critical of very minor things and you are the first guy she has dated since her divorce.  Not good

Hopefully I am wrong but I see you already contorting yourself so you can continue seeing her when it should be give and take, not just give give give.

Best wishes

 Lost

Wow, the number of assumptions being made here is quite significant. It’s one of the main reasons I don’t spend a lot of time on this site. Some of the help is very thoughtful, but the majority is projection-based assumptions, cobbling together potential problems out of limited information. Romance is a game of chance. One in which there are many different variables, the variables always being unique to each individual’s situation. It’s best not to take a fragment of a picture and run with it to it’s most negative possible outcome if you’re genuinely interested in helping others. Thanks for the unsolicited advice, but it’s not my first time around the block. 

4 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

You didn't really answer my question. In the last 60 days how many times have you actually spent time with her in person?

Was every time on her terms?

It might be okay with you at the moment but there will come a time when always twisting your life around her schedule just so you can spend time together will grow old and frankly no matter how "fine with it" you are relationships are about respect and balance.  If you are doing all the heavy lifting (which I see it going that way fast) you are bound to have problems sooner or later.

 Lost

Yes, I did answer your question (which has nothing to do with my post, by the way). Perhaps you need to go back and re-read it.

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

I don't view this as a big dealbreaker, at all. She wouldn't bother raising this with you if she wasn't invested in you.

You don't view it as a good thing to be comfortable enough with someone to tell them what you'd like from them?

Notice that she doesn't say you are dry in person--so there's something about your body language and your manner that translates into a warmth that she enjoys about you. 

I think I'd be less offended and more curious. I'd joke with her about it. I'd tell her that I've been thinking about what she said, and I'm feeling very warm about her right now. Am I getting any warmer or colder?

I'd share a laugh at my own expense.

If you really like this woman, this is a no-brainer. LIKE her! 🙂

 

This is an interesting take and you’re right. I spoke to her about it and she was very receptive, even though I wasn’t expecting her to be. She told me not to overthink it. That we both have a tendency to over analyze which can be exhausting and that she doesn’t want that. She said don’t worry about it, that if she ever has a real problem with anything she’d let me know and that she wants me to do the same. Problem solved! Onward and forward! 🙂

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Sorry, but I dont see it from the things you said. She may tell you that. But if she is trying to pick apart even little things like phone conversations thinking how you are "dry" and somehow lack affection, she is trying to find flaws and go away. That is not somebody who wants to build something together, those are people who would leave you and in the process dump everything on you even if its not your fault.

Add the part about the work and you should ask yourself is there a serious future there. With somebody 24/7 on work who probably has little time for you. Picking apart even smallest things you do or dont do.

I agree with all of this except for the part where you say she probably has no feelings for me. I think she does, but doesn’t know what to do about it. I think the years she spent in her unhappy marriage have caused her to have unrealistic expectations about how relationships work in the dating world. She’s a bit naive and unsure about what she’s doing. Which is not my issue and not something I’m willing to accept. I need to talk to her about it and see how she feels, but I’m not expecting her to be very receptive to it. I could be wrong. The only way to know is for me to ask her about it. She is a sweet person. I can see that. It’s one of the things that makes me attracted to her. 

24 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

How often do you actually spend time with her?  How may hours a week?

If she works so much where is time for a life?  Do you cater to her schedule or does she make time for you?

Lost

Well, that’s the thing. She has a difficult time planning dates. It’s kind of when it fits into her schedule, which I’m fine with, but. She’s now expressing a desire to have her needs met, which doesn’t really bode well.

We talked on our first date about what we’re both looking for. She said she wasn’t entirely sure. She was married for 35 years and has been divorced for five. I asked her and she said I’m the first person she’s dated since her divorce. She took that time to find herself again, but I’m not sure she’s really there yet.

She’s a sweetheart and is obviously developing feelings for me and I Iike her quite a bit too. But if she wants me to get more serious, then she has to be willing to do the same. I won’t settle for anyone who can’t prioritize me. 

5 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

As soon as they start picking at you, the inevitable is going to happen. They will find more things to complain about. You don't see the issue, but she does.....time to move on because you will never see eye to eye on issues. 

My thoughts as well. I think it’s worth talking about so I’ll bring it up with her and see how it goes. But your sentiments generally reflect the way I’m feeling about it. 

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

When you finally get air time does she ask good follow up questions or does she switch back to herself? Her job doesn't mean she can't be a person who is a good listener.  In fact IMO a good salesperson has to be an excellent listener.  Do you react to what she says with interest? Or are you drained from her constant chatter? My husband is more reserved than me and introverted.  I used to LOVE our phone calls when we were long distance. 

But I know with my husband you have to give him a chance to speak -he likes to collect his thoughts, he pauses more, etc.  So I shut up.  I wait longer than I would with certain people.  I don't stare at him but I maintain eye contact to show him -I'm not impatient -I'm looking forward to what he wants to share. 

I also can be an interrupter but especially over the last several years - I work REALLY hard on that.  I am very conscious of stopping and waiting till the other person is allllll done speaking.  Now it's more of a habit.  Where I grew up interrupting wasn't rude to a certain extent -it was part of regular conversation -people expected it.  I mean that.  Yes too much was not good -but it was basically a given lol.  Where I live now it's a slower pace, and people don't interrupt as much.

If a person cares about what another person has to say or seems to want to say that person has control over his or her choices and can modify her conversational style to accommodate the person.  Parents have to do that all the time with young kids, people have to do that with elderly people, and different personality styles/temperaments require it too.

Also maybe end the call on a high note -earlier than you would -but so it leaves the impression of a fun convo? 

I feel as though I show interest in what she has to say. I’m just being myself and allowing her to do the same. I enjoy our conversations. She apparently is a bit annoyed by them. Not sure if there is a solution to that or  there necessarily needs to be one. She doesn’t seem to enjoy my style of conversation from what I gather. It seems odd, seeing as we’ve been seeing each other for a couple of months. It sounds a bit critical to me and not something I’m eager to change or feel needs improvement. I want to be taken as I am. Her dissatisfaction is signaling to me this might be something she may have difficulty with.

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

Then maybe the issue isn't that your phone conversation are "dry" but that she talks too much and doesn't know when to give others the floor. 

Could be. I personally don’t feel that way. I like her. She seems to be the one taking issue. Not much I can do about that. 

8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

What does she expect phone conversations to sound like? 

I don’t know. I was wondering that myself. I explained to her that I’m the kind of person that just listens and gives people room to speak when they want to speak. She said she does know that she can, “talk a blue streak”, as people have told her. She’s in sales, so that’s her livelihood.

Hello. I’ve been seeing someone for the past two months. I think she’s really great and I feel a strong connection with her. She is self employed and runs two businesses. She works a lot. Pretty much day and night, seven days a week.

A couple days ago she asked me if I enjoyed being with her. I told her yes I did very much and asked her if she felt the same.

She said, “Can I be honest?” I said yes. She then told me that she didn’t enjoy our phone conversations. She basically said they were dry and lacked affection. I don’t share her feelings about this. I think our phone conversations are fine. She does talk a lot and often times doesn’t leave me space to interject or reply, but I’m fine with this. I understand that this is her conversation style and she needs to speak, so I listen. When I feel there is space for me to speak, I speak. Even then sometimes she interrupts me. But, I’m fine with this. I understand this is a characteristic of her personality and I’m completely comfortable and accepting of it. 
 

Apparently this bothers her. This concerns me a little bit that she seems to be finding fault and a reason to be unhappy this early on in our dating. It feels like a bit of a potential incompatibility for me. Thoughts? 

If someone consistently cancels or changes plans last minute, it means they don’t respect your time. It should be unacceptable to you. 

4 hours ago, mylolita said:

Hey OP!

 

Nothing lost! If you’re feeling too shy, slip him a note into his hand saying:

 

”I’m sorry, I hope I didn’t blow it - but the answer is, YES! I’d love to go on that date x”

 

Also, while delivering the note, you get to brush his hand, and be side to side 😉

 

x

Smooth. This.

When she asked you to carry her upstairs, that was an opening to initiate a conversation with her about it. For some reason you’re afraid to talk to her about it. You simply need to honestly and respectfully voice your concerns to her. Do so with compassion, understanding and openness to learn about what her mindset is about her health. It’s not something for you to be afraid of. Show your level of care by communicating with her about what your concerns are and why. 

The short answer to your question is no, they aren’t. As someone who has had similar experiences with family members, I can say that sometimes the best thing to do is let it go and move on with your life.