limeorchid

I have been dealing with a family member whom has NPD. I wish they were not family because I would just end it otherwise. I read "The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissist" as well as a few other books. I loved this book though!!! Clear, easy read with great tips on how to deal as well as clear metaphpors. I also have done a great deal or research into dealing with boundaries. So far, I have seen progress. I wish you success. NPD's can make you so angry you want to spit. In my expirence though, I could care less a week later. So, if you do find yourself in a tissy about something, try to enjoy the feelings, they are a part of you. And know... This too shall pass.

wow. I am so thankfull for what everyone has said. There is a healthy balance going on and that is what I need to hear. I am trying to not act on survival impulse and rather pause, think, talk and calm down before making any rash decision. I am so incrediably thankfull for you all here tonight. I am so lonley in this. I will tell my family if/when the time comes but for now I do not want to upset them without reason since we have made no final decision at this point and...because my family tends to only give me what they think I want to hear rather than what I need to. You have and are all a blessing. Thank you again for being out in the world and sharing your own voice of expirence. All of you have said things that I need to think about and I respect and value all that you have to say. I will consider everyones words and make a choice that I feel best serves myself and my children. Most likely, I am leaning twards setting up a "time limit" in my head. If things have not shifted by June, then I need to move on. (due to school issues as well as sanity) I allow this only because while he has been in therapy before, due to the circumstances, he has had to leave without having had enough time to really gain insight. This is also my best friend I am talking about and I think that even if we break up we will eventually be able to be friends again but not without the passing of significant time, given that we have a child and it will not be a clean break. I dread the loss of my best friend while I am, at this point, ambivilant about my fiance. In other words, I want it to work but I am also exhausted from feeling badly about myself. I should clarify; this is not in any way holding me back from another relationship. I was totally happy with being single when I met my fiance, that is part of why we were friends for so long before becoming a couple. I am now almost 35 and if this relationship does not work out, I do not see myself getting involved in another. Not because I am jaded or bitter but simply because relationships require and deserve a great amount of energy and there are simply other things that I desire to be able to put that energy into. I had always imagined that at 35 I would be a bit more settled down. I did see myself in a relationship and I knew that this would require work, but I thought of it more like maintaining...not taking almost all of what I had to give. At this point, to let go, heal, meet someone new, date etc...it is just not how I want to spend my time. I want to have time to work on ME. My music, art, environmental concerns, creative solutions, fun solutions and life situations. I would never say that I will not get into another relationship. I can say however, that it is not important to me at this point. Perhaps someday it will be again. This relationship has required, and will continue to require, so much that I feel in order to be a healthy well rounded human being I have to make space for things besides rmantic relationships. My children, my friends, my family. I want intimate relationships with them as well. This romantic relationship has taken so much that I feel those things have taken a back burner. The sad thing is, those relationships tend to be more long lasting in the social climate of 2007. I would rather have had it all but if I can't, I choose to invest in both myself and other relationships that are long lasting and have been neglected and deserve my attention. Again, thanks to you all Sorry for the long post. I have had a few glasses of wine...much deserved tonight.

I am in a situation that is so similar to yours that I actually question if you are not my fiance posed as a woman. If you had joined today rather than yesterday I would feel it was true, but I do not so.... As a person in the situation that your fiance is in I can only tell you what I wish had happened. We had a un-planned pregnancy, I had an appoitment scheduled for an abortion. He came to my house and told me that he "wanted me" I asked, "well, what if we lose the baby or something? I do not want you to be with me only because I am pregnant." He assured me that no, he wanted to be with me no matter what. Since then, we have looped over and over again. I have lost my home, career, friends, portions of my identity as well as my sanity. Now, do NOT get me wrong. I love my baby that was born from this but still, I wish I had ended it back then and not allowed myself to believe what I knew in my heart was not true. I wanted to believe that he really wanted me and was excited. Well, he is excited now. Only because he realizes that he may lose all. This does not feel as good as having someone really love you, be IN love with you. I would rather be alone. (Better to be alone than wish you were) I am much older now and I imagine that if this relationship does not survive than I will make a choice to be alone. Your fiance clearly wants to be in a long term relationship. There is nothing wrong with this, you just want diffrent things right now. Trust. If you are meant to be together, then it will still be there after you have done the things you need to do for your self. End it, travel...do what you need to. When you feel that you want to be in a settled long term relationship, then proceed. I was more than happy being single when I met my current partner. Now, i wish I had stayed that way, not lost my freedom and/or financial security. Do your finace a favor,let him go now before your situation becomes more complex like mine (house, kids, money etc) You will be doing him a favor and yourself. It will hurt and be dis-orienting for a while. I suggest you plan a trip before telling him, that way you have something positive to focus on and devote energy into researching rather than questioning your decision. Please, take it or leave it. I am only telling you what I wish had happened in my situation. best of luck. Stay strong, you sound like a strong healthy self aware person.

First, many thanks to all who read this and offer of themselves to help. I am in a real crisis and I need this so much right now. My fiance and I have been together for several years and now have a 1 1/2 year old. We have a great "partnership" (Like a well run business), we respect, know and care for each other. We want the same things. In short it is the perfect relationship aside from one issue... This issue has been going on for him since we met but did not become clear to me until I was 7 months pregnant. He went to NYC following his graduation from college, and came back acting "strange" (no he was not cheating, we're not like that) When I asked him what was going on he replied "Lately I've been feeling frustrated when I see really attractive women. I've always had a type and your not it." When I asked what his "type" was he said "Petite, athletic, volupitious women" I am 5'2" weigh 110 lbs although I am not "athletic" I feel I am close enough. I am considered very attractive by most of the human population, just not my partner. We began counciling and went several times. He eventually wanted to stop because he felt that spending that time having "fun" would help more than just re-hashing the issue. Several months later he found himself back again alone. Then we discovered that we had to move out of state. We packed up our home, put it up for sale, bought a new house, renovated, had two very sick kids (hospital sick) for 3 months, crisis with the in-law's etc...very stressfull time. We also moved for HIS career and HIS career only. When we first arrived in new location, he asked me to marry him. I had asked that we not do this until he had resolved this issue in his heart. So, I was delighted because I felt that his asking me must mean that he had closure and was ready to move forward into a life together. nope. Again, last night he tells me he wants to begin seeing a therapist again. That while it does seem "better" he still has these thoughs (Mainly that while he finds me attractive I am not his ideal and when he see's a woman that he finds "striking" he not only has sexual feelings for them but also frustration in regards to me). He says that while he can't imagine a better partner and he knows in his head that this is a good thing, that there IS a part of his heart that has not given over (it's called passionate love). So * * *. I am so over it at this point I just want to find a way to survive. I do not like how I feel when I am with him. I do not like either of us leaving the house!!! this is no way to live. What's worse, he teaches and gets a fresh batch of 18-21 yr. olds every 16 weeks, who he says "undress" for class. I want to leave the relationship. I guess I need to hear if I am just over reacting or if it is time to throw in the towel. Also, any survival tips. How to feed the kids? Find housing etc. We will have to re-locate to another state due to the high cost of living where we are and the poor school system. Breathe...