Cismet

I don't mean to argue or anything like that at all, Ilse. I actually feel thankful for you to give me your advice. But if you think people around us or things happened to us don't cause us to have low selfesteem, what do you think makes people to have low selfesteem? Are they born with it? Isn't it true that a child who grew up with verbally abusive parents end up having lower selfesteem than the average? I'm not saying one or two incidents in your life or one or two heartbreaks in your life can take away all the selfesteem you have. I know true selfesteem has to be earned. I've been through so many things in my life and that's a part of reasonwhy I have high selfesteem. I'm proud of what I have achieved. And yes, I agree with you, in many many cases, my selfesteem works as a shield to protect me. My selfesteem made me to believe in me when no one else does. But at the same time, I can go through all those hard times because I have high selfesteem in the first place thanks to my mom and some teachers I had in my life. And I think I'm stronger than average people- personality wise and this is something I'm born with and unfortunately my bf is not born with. So, when someone with very sensitive personality goes through many incidents and people which keep questioning him his value as a person, I think it's natural for that person to have low selfesteem. And just like I said at my above post, I believe the other way around in this logic is also possible. Yes, it's his choice to work on his selfesteem like everything else in our lives(and he'll very willing to) but someone who loves him can do a lot of things for that person to achieve this. I know this first hand because a big part of my selfesteem is made when I found out people(my teachers) I admire had a very high opinion of me. They might not mean much by saying so but their words got me through so many hard times.

Thank you guys for your advice. But I have a bit different opinion. I agree with you guys when you say selfesteem is something "himself" has to deal with. But people are not born with low selfesteem. They get to have low selfesteem because of things that happened to them and people who influence them that way. If people and things can cause someone to have low selfesteem,I think the other way around is also possible. I heard about guys who end up having a lot better selfesteem when they finally met someone who truly love them. Don't we all feel a lot better about our selfves when we have people who truly love us? How many people can have the same selfesteem when our someone dump us or mistreat us? If there's anyone who has a lover that changes his/her perspective/attitudes toward life with his/her love and support , I'd really like to hear from them.

I apologize in advance for my broken English. English is not my mother tongue. Please be patient with me. Here's my problem and I would appreciate any advicefrom you guys. My bf's low selfesteem is causing a problem in our relationship. I don't want to go into details but he ended up hurting me badly because of his low selfesteem. I know he didn't intend to hurt me and he just did that to protect his feelings. (Because his low selfesteem, he thinks I might find him boring oneday and leave him for someone else so he ended up doing something that hurt me really bad What he did might be a small thing to many people but for me, it's a big thing because he broke my trust by doing that.) He acknowledges his problems and very willing to work on them. He knows it might take years for him to earn my trust back. He says he'd do anything to amend that broken trust. He even agrees to see a counselor if I want him to. (it's a big thing for him since he doesn't believe in counseling) My bf loves me very much and I love him very dearly as well and we're planning to get married next May or June. But I don't want to get married to him knowing he has this problem. (Because I believe only people who can love and respect themselves can love other people.) He shows a few signs that people with low selfesteem shows. But he is a truly nice,loving, caring person and he touches a side of my soul which no one else ever touched before. I really want our relationship to work. I know the root of his problems is his low selfesteem. So here's my question. How can I help him to get high selfesteem? What things can I do for him to be proud of who he is? How can I make him see how wonderful man he truly is? I also really appreciate if you can recommand any book I can read or he and I can read together to have a better understanding about his selfesteem problem. I know this low selfesteem thing is very deeply rooted and can't be fixed by reading one book or being said one thing. But I really want to help my bf and make him see the person I'm seeing whenever I'm with him. Please help. I'd appreciate any advice. Thank you.

I don't think you're overreacting. A year and a half should be enough time for him to realize if he loves you or not, if you ask me. It's true. Some people are more cautious with their feelings than others but even for people like that, I think a year and a half is more than enough.

Thank you everybody for your advice. We're intimate but I don't have the nerve to do strip tease in front of him or do that chocolate thing yet. telescope...well...I don't know about that. I don't want him to watch other women but me. I think I'll go for milder things for this year but you guys gave me some clue. Thanks for the advice.

I said similar thiing to my current bf a month after we started dating. My advice is tell her how you feel and what you want and give her space. If she wants to be with you, she'll make a contact. If not, well...you got to let her go and move on with your life.

We're in our late 20s and we've been together like 6 months now. The thing is I'm new to this country so I don't have many friends here to celebrate his birthday together. thereforeeee, throwing a party for him will be a bit tough for me. So I'm looking for something else I can do for him.

My BF's b-day is coming up and I'd like to do something that'd make him really happy. This is the first b-day we celebrate together and I'd like to make it very special. Any ideas, guys? Please share if there's something your gf did for you that made you melt with happiness. I'd really appreciate your reply.

Thanks truladybug. I'll keep your advice in mind as well.

hey crver....thank you for your advice. yes, I read your story and I feel for you. I've been in your gf shoes about a couple of years ago so i can really relate to you and her. crver, even though she doesn't show it to you, she's having really hard time as well. There's no way you forget someone you loved that easily. no way. I think if you two are meant to be together, then your paths will cross again in the future. Take a good care of yourself and don't take things so hard.

Thank you DN and Coollady. I appreciate both of your advice.

Thank you everyone who reads this and gives me your advice. I apologize for my broken English in advance. (English is not my mother tongue.) I'm seeing this guy for five months now. We're calling each other gf/bf and on this sunday I'm going to have a brunch with his family for the first time. He is a nice person and treats me really well. He says he likes me and cares about me a lot and has strong feelings for me. Then, what's the problem? The thing is he doesn't open up. We had some talk about this and he admitted he always has had problem in this regard. I can feel the wall he built around him. He doesn' initiate any conversation concerning how we feel about each other except one time. I always had to say my feeling first then he said the same things to me. He doesn't takes initiative and express his feelings to me voluntarily. I sometimes feel like I'm forcing him into things he doesn't want to. I'm the person who's taking my emotions seriously. So far, I've been usually the one in the relationship who gets complaints from my exs that I don't open up easily. So it's not like I'm rushing things up. When I asked him, he admitted he never truly loved his last gf of two yrs. He kind of said he stayed with her because he didn't want to be alone. I told him that's exactly what I'm afraid of him doing with me. He didn't say anything but just hugged me tightly. His parents hurt him in the past and he said he had trouble trusting people since then because someone who's supposed to protect you hurt you so much. Plus, the only girl he opened up ended up betraying his trust the worst possible way. I know he has feelings for me. My friend told me that he looked like he really liked me. And I don't mind waiting a couple more months for him to truly open up to me. But What I'm so afraid of is the thought of what if he never truly opens up... what if he never truly gives his heart to me.... I know it's going to break my heart so much. How can I make him truly open up to me and let me get into his heart? I'd appreciate any advice.