Clarkmeister

Bit of graft is just a phrase for hard work. Your right mate, and I felt a weight lifted after yesterday, as once I had gained the clarity I was after, these thoughts were left in her apartment. I am totally focussed on me right now, we will see what the future holds. I know that it will be a bright one, no matter who its with coz I am a stronger and better person for what has happened.

Have a look at my situation mate, see if you could take anything from my experience. Second Chance ? Original Posts (by the way, I found out she had cheated on me, dont think its mentioned in the original posts.

Thanks guys !!! Last night gave me the clarity I'd been seeking and we'll have to see what the future holds. A couple of my friends think she will be in contact pretty soon but I'm not so sure.

Just a quick update on how it went at my ex's. It went pretty well, nothing dramatic, just as I thought it'd go to be honest. We had tea, I sorted the tele out for her then we chatted for a couple of hours (not about us), finished of with a little kiss on the lips (no tongues lol). It was a really nice evening, just like old times dare I say. To be honest, I'm still not 100% sure what will happen but what I did realise tonight is that I am gonna move on, if she wants to make something of this again she is the one who will have to make the effort. I think the ball is in her court, she made her decision to leave what we had, if she wants it back she's gonna need to put in a bit of graft and get over her insecurities. I think it would be quite easy for us to slip back into how it was, but I'd not know how she really felt and if she has learnt anything from it. If she makes the running (which is totally not her by the way) then I know its something she really wants as it will take a HUGE amount of courage for her to make that move. If she doesn't then its her loss. I'm just gonna enjoy myself and start to move on, and I'll cross that bridge if or when it comes. I'm gonna just have some fun now, get out there again and start building my life back up. As I said, if she wants to be a part of that then she's gonna have to step up to the plate and make some decisions. Some girl is gonna be lucky, I know that for sure as I am a better person for all of this.

Am not harbouring any ill feelings at all. That part of it has been dealt with. Dont get me wrong, when I found out I felt like going round to where she was staying with all her stuff from the house and dumping it, hoping that this lad would be there so i could give him a kicking. That lasted for all of 5-10 seconds, I phoned my dad to tell him what had happened and that I was driving up to stay with him (250 miles away) as I didn't want to be on my own with these feelings. I am quite switched on when it comes to my feelings and I will remove myself from a situation if I feel I'll do something I'll regret. Am glad that i'm like that as I think it has helped me get perspective on this whole thing and get everything I can out of it. In a perverse sort of way I am glad that it has happened because it has givenme lots to think about and I have taken a tremendous amount of positives out of it, none bigger than how I handled myself and what an amazing set of friends and family I have to call on. Was quite humbled by alot of that.

Thanks for that, means alot to hear that just now. I think I have called most things right all the way through (unfortunatley even her cheating) and I was very proud of the way I dealt with the whole thing. Calm and with dignity. Not once did I fly off the handle or bad mouth her (the guy she cheated on me with did and even had the audacity to contact me when it all went wrong to tell me what a * * * * * she was). Thats why I am little bit aprehensive, I really think she is testing the water and would come back if I let her but i know she wont make the move to do so. Just guess I'll take my time, play it cool and see how things go. As said before, if its meant to be it will happen. Thanks again for your words.

Cheers again mate. I think at the time, our relationship wasn't solid enough and I'm wondering if that is why she sought it elsewhere. By no means am I taking the blame for what she did, SHE WAS IN THE WRONG. I just think that sometimes people deserve another chance but am doing alot of thinking about this But only if i truly believe I can trust her again will it work and if I cant turn that little nagging voice away, it'll never work, i know that for a fact. I believe she is sorry and I also believe she regrets what she did and knows she has made one of the biggest mistakes EVER. I am a firm believer in if its meant to be it will happen, so in they terms I am sure it will work out one way or another. Just have so many thoughts flying around I need to bounce things off people. My friends and family have been great and he only consistent advice is that it will be my decision and to be carefull. Thanks again.

Thanks for that friscodj. To be honest, thats one of my thoughts too. Maybe I have fallen for the wrong "one". Still thinking it over and am a little scared to trust my judgement incase I make the wrong call and what you said is correct.

Wonder if anyone can give me some advice. My g/f and I broke up in Feb this year after 3 happy years. We got in a bit of a rut near the end and things weren't brilliant but we didn't fight all that often. Anyway, I realised I wasn't as happy with my life as I thought and have sorted this out by doing the things I used to enjoy and am a happier for it (Didn't have many friends as i'd moved 400 miles to livewith my g/f and done everything with her, now realise we have to have separate lives to enhance the relationship). I found out that she had started to see someone else the week before we split up (it only lasted a month), even tho she had denied it when I asked (I had my suspicions). She had a lot going on in her life then (her mum was moving abroad and work issues) and was really mixed up. Once I knew this I went into survival mode and done everything to secure myself emotionally and my future financially. I handled the whole thing very well, am actually proud of what I did and I know I did everything I could and gave her every chance. Once I did that, i confronted her about what she did in a calm manner and told her she'd been silly and had lost the best thing that had happened to her (words of her friends and family). I told her I still loved her and always will but that she hurt me really bad. Also had a good chat with her dad to explain things (he didn't know about this other bloke) I have sorted out all the financial stuff (we had a joint mortgage on a house and I bought her out and now own the house) and was getting on with my life. I even started seeing another girl around May of this year and was having some fun but it wasn't the same, the spark wasn't there. I finished it last month as she was wanting more ot of the relationship than I did and it wasn't fair to string her along. My ex works for the same company so it was inevitable that we'd see each other again. We have talked and it is really comfortable talking to her, things just flow and it is so natural. I really believe she is "the one" but I dont have anything else to compare it too as she has been the only one (Long term relationship wise - I am 32 and she is 25) The thing is, in the last few weeks we have been in quite a bit of contact, and she rang me out the blue the other week to tell me something she could have texted (our main form of communication since the break). I got the impression she was just ringing so she could talk to me and my colleague (female) agreed that it was strange. I keep thinking about maybe giving her another chance, she made a BIG mistake and I'm sure she knows that and I think she now realises what a big mistake it was. However, I'm not sure if I can trust her fully again and know if I cant do that, then there is no point in getting back together. Am going round to her flat on Thursday to give her the TV from the house and she is cooking me tea. All advice is welcome, thanks in advance.

Thanks for your kind words Ta_ree-saw. I am hurting just now and all I can think of today is her and wanting her to come back. Then my thoughts change to not liking what she is doing and drawing a line under it. It's all very raw just now but I am going to complete NC. We work for the same company but not together but are sometimes based in the same building. I know she is downstairs now and it's hurting like hell.

For background please look at It appears to be over !!!! Pretty devastated after yesterday. I really thought that we'd sort it out but it is clear that the issue is with her and not me. She said again that the passion had gone and that she was too far down the line with her decision to try again. This is a trait of hers, she gets so far with a relationship then gets scared when it gets to the crunch. I think we've went further than she's ever been but still has this issue of commitment. To be honest, I think she is having a battle in her head about this, thats why she has been still doing couple things even up till mid Jan because I think she really wants to move on but at the moment she doesn't know how to and has no-one to advise her how to either. I asked her yesterday if she thought that she had a problem getting close to people and commitment and she said that she probably did. I said that we can work on it but again she wasn't interested in doing so just now. At the moment, I believe its over BUT I still hold a little glimmer of hope because I think deep down its the wrong decision and she knows it. If she can get herself sorted in time then I still believe we can have a very good future together. However, what I can't do is put my life on hold until she hits the wall, which she will do, but that might be a couple of months or 10 years. My dad has advised me to try and do nothing about things for a couple of days. We have a house together and that is going to need sorting at some point but I'm not ready to do all that just yet. Although we will need to get in contact to sort out the financial and domestic situation, I am going into total NC for now. My feelings are all over the place just now, I change from wanting to give it one last go at getting her back to drawing a line under it. I'm not going to do anything for now. Does anyone have any advice for me ??

I was trying to arrange meeting her to give her a birthday gift but she was a bit cold with me on Monday. I then went NC and didn't contact her on Tue (her birthday). Thats when she made contact and asked if we could meet on Wed but I was away with work. It was me that suggested that we meet Sunday to talk about things, she did agree that we needed to talk. I am now at the point where I have moved on with my life without her, however I still want her to be part of it. I dont want to go back to how things were, I want a new beginning. I'm not too sure where she is in terms of things, as has been explained before she has alot of things to deal with emotionally at the moment. What I do know is she loves me and we were very much in love and that wasn;t so long ago.

To give you a background to my "break" with my girlfriend is on thi thread To update that, we have still had slight contact during the break but nothing too heavy. Then the day before her birthday I sent her a text and called her babe which she replied to but asked me to please dont call her babe. This was a kick in the teeth to me and I went full NC even tho it was her birthday. Anyway on her birthday she text me and apologised and asked if we could meet the next day. I couldn't because of work but have suggested this Sunday as a time to talk to her about things. Also, if you have read my original post, her mum has actually moved abroad today and I did send her a text this morning to see is she was ok, which she responded to immediately. She says she is fine but I think she might be a bit emotional. Anyway, enough background, what I am after is some advice / tips about how i should approach our lunch "date" on Sunday ? Any DO's and DO Not's will be appreciated.

I can understand where you are coming from. It is natural to feel some doubt if you feel someone can switch it on and off. But you don't know how she is feeling and if she has switched it off. An important thing that helped me is to stop trying to think for her too. You need to look after yourself just now. I have had these feelings too when me and my GF split. I then remembered the good times we had and went to our memories box where we have kept cards and stuff. Then I realised that we did love each very much and this gives me hope for the future. Our situations aren't that different, I feel i maybe loved her too much and that this maybe suffocated her. One of the big lessons I have learnt is that in a relationship there are 3 parts, A, B and C. A is you, B is your partner and C is your relationship. My problem was that I was living everything through C and that my partner felt guilty and responsible when she wanted to do anything for herself. I now realise that I have to look after A, let my partner look after B and C will naturally follow. To use the anallergy of an aircraft, the main engine is C and this is fed by A and B. A wasn't running at all and B was reluctant to run at 100% thereforeeee C eventually gave way. My experience is to keep any contact to a minimum and when there is contact, keep it light and fun if ou can. We are not back together yet as there are other factors in play and we are about 2 weeks further down the line than you. Stay strong, and focus on what make you happy, after all if your not happy with you then how can you expect someone else to be!! Hope this helps.