violadeb

Good point! I'll tone it down and see what happens. Thanks

Thanks for the responses. I've always found it helpful to see my situation from other perspectives and to hear about others' experiences. I never was one to depend on anyone else b/c I never had that option. For 23years of marriage I was the one who made all the important decisions from the kids to finances to vacations, just everything. Even the divorce was my decision. Even now I find myself talking my soon to be ex-husband through it all, making all the decisions still. Now I feel like I am depending on someone and that my strength is coming from that and not from myself. I don't like that feeling. And I don't like myself much either. And I'm terrified if he pulls that support away that I will fall apart before I even got it together. On Monday I start a great new job, an opportunity I've wanted for years. My kids are doing terrific. I should be so happy and instead I am terrified that I am not strong enough to be alone if I have to. Boy, I am depressing. I should be so thankful and instead I am a wreck. Maybe taking this week off was a mistake or maybe I need to fall apart before I can put myself back together. I wonder if you can do that in 5 days? haha Thanks again.

***because we never really were a couple...

I've been separated for several months and pretty much right away got involved in another relationship. The divorce was not caused by another person, it was coming for some time and when my youngest child went off to college, I figured it was time. I have some guilt about it but mostly I realize that I shouldn't have stayed as long as I did b/c I ended up in a very severe depression for a couple of years. Btw, I am in my 40s. Everyone told me to take some time to figure myself out once I got separated but I ignored them b/c I met someone. I feel like I have been unable to think clearly since the day I met him but I think it is because of the timing, not him. My head is spinning with this divorce thing, my kids growing up and leaving home (more traumatic I think when you stay in a marriage "for the kids"), changing jobs. It's like my whole prior life is over and I don't know who I am. Then I have this boyfriend and the only time I feel somewhat normal is when I am with him. It's like my life is new, he's new and there are no expectations or prior baggage to deal with. But there are issues with him too. I feel stupid saying this but the only time I am calm and can think clearly is if I feel like everything is okay with the new boyfriend. It's like I can handle all the rest of the confusion but when I feel insecure there, it all crashes down and all I see is hopeless and neverending confusion, guilt and financial ruin. I'm not sure whether the latter is the reality of my life and I am living some sort of fantasy/escape life when I am with him. In all the years I thought about divorce, I never thought I'd be so out of control of my emotions and my thinking. Is this part of the healing or is there something wrong with me - I am seriously considering counseling but I am afraid that would just confuse me even more.

Thanks, part of me hopes you're right but that's sort of wishing something bad on him so I don't wish that. Whatever it is I just wish he would talk to me about it. If it's someone else, I mean how do I get that out of him? Asking doesn't work and I'm not really the I spy-driveby and see what he's up to type. I've thought about it. haha. I just want to know.

Thanks for the replies. Sorry if this is graphic but I think the sex stopped because he would get hard and then lose it. This happened at the beginning of this relationship too but I thought we worked it out. Then the kids came and it started happening again, maybe because of the overhearing thing. He seems intent on pleasing me to the point where I really think something might be wrong on his end. When it's his turn, he just can't quite get it. Then it's like he just stopped trying. I did try to talk to him and I think that made it worse somehow. I tried talking to him and said it seemed like he wasn't as into the relationship as he was before and all he said was "you're wrong" then he said he had to hang up b/c he was hungry! I asked if there was someone else, he said no. When I'm there I ask what's wrong and he just says he's tired. I don't know what else to even say. Oh and the kids weren't even there the last few nights so that wasn't it....Should I read the writing on the wall or what?

Well I am totally confused. For the last several months that we've been seeing each other, the sex was great. Then a few weeks ago, boom it just stopped. He swears there's no one else but how do you go from a few times a week to nothing overnight? His kids came to live with him for the summer so I figured maybe that was part of it, maybe he's just tired. I've asked him but he says he's not sleeping with anyone else - but I mean do men admit that even when you ask them? I was married for 23 years to a man who had no interest in sex. So I don't really have a good grasp on what's normal, like the ups and downs of it. We're both in our 40s. Is this something that happens after a while? Everything else seems okay.

So he called last night around 9 or so. I didn't realize there was a voicemail until this morning. He left a voicemail saying Merry Christmas and that in all the confusion he forgot his phone at home. Whatever. I'm thinking probably there is someone else, maybe it's his ex. Another piece of the puzzle is that he has his kids from the day before Christmas eve all the way through the week after Christmas. I thought that was odd b/c most people split holidays up. Maybe the ex is there too. That at least would make some sense. Or maybe like everyone keeps telling me, he is just not interested. Is it always this screwy I mean before you figure out whether something will work or not? I'd hate to think I have to go through this over and over. My soon to be ex was also apathetic about our relationship, that's what killed it eventually. But I spent years trying with him before giving up and realizing he was only here for his kids. Well that was less of a realization than an admission by him that he only married me to have kids, otherwise he would have become a priest!? I have to admit having no response for that. So I've been reading here how people repeat things like that, get into similar destructive relationships. Maybe that's what I am doing. So I don't forget, I appreciate every response more than you can know. No one in my life wants to hear about any of this. They can't comprehend why I would get divorced at my age.

I tried not calling for two weeks. He never called. But up till this week, whenever I called him, I got a response. He either picked up the phone or called me right back. I feel sort of stupid. After being married for 23 years, this does sort of make me feel like a teenager and not in a good way. Maybe it's not even worth trying. Maybe I should just get a puppy. lol. This was a pretty miserable week and it really made me mad at myself that I was thinking about him so much. I need to get a grip.

Believe me, I hear you.

I guess you could be right about him losing interest. I didn't get that impression during our phone call though. Like I said, he was saying all these nice things to me and talked about getting together, etc. It's like the pieces don't fit together. I do agree I am doing all the trying or at least it seems that way. He obviously didn't want to see me that night. But then he tried to explain that away three different ways. What's the big deal? I wonder if anyone has been through something similar and it was worth the trying. I can't imagine having much more patience with this. But I do like him.

Thanks for your response. He doesn't come to visit me but he can't sleep here so that would make it difficult b/c of the distance. When we are together, it is very good. I don't think it's other women but what do I know? He has children who visit him often and they are there this weekend. They weren't there last week though. It's not so much that he didn't call, I mean he must be pretty busy with the kids and Christmas and all. But it's that he says I'll call you and then he doesn't. That bugs me. It also leaves me hanging b/c tomorrow my kids are with their dad so I don't really want to sit here alone. I can visit friends or family but it was him that said we'd get together in the first place. It's like I feel disappointed whereas if he just said I am busy this week I would have must made other plans. Maybe he doesn't want me to meet his kids, so then just say that. Don't say one thing and do another. I agree I should back off but boy it is hard to do. As far as what I want, something in between a fling and a relationship. It might sound weird but I sort of like the alone time with him, not dealing with either one of our families or all that can involve. It's very peaceful just visiting him and just paying attention to him and me. We both have a lot of stress in our lives and we both agree it is nice to take a break from it all.

I've been seeing this guy for about three months. I live 100 miles away but visit friends in his area almost every weekend. Sometimes, when I am there I call him and we get together. We get along great. It's a little casual for me like we don't make plans or anything, it's sort of hit or miss but I can live with that. So that brings us to this past week. I saw him Friday night, great night. Saturday morning we said goodbye and he said call me later or I'll call you. I called him because I had to leave and go home. So he said call me tomorrow. So I did but he didn't pick up the phone and he didn't respond to my voicemail. A couple of days went by and I called him because I was in the area again. He didn't pick up the phone and didn't call me back. The next afternoon I got a voicemail from him that his phone was dead (yea right) and he was sorry he missed my call and to call him back. I called him back and he didn't pick up. I left a voicemail. So he called the next morning but didn't leave a message. So I called him back, got his voicemail and left a message that I was sort of tired of getting his voicemail. And he called me back and was half drunk and went on and on about how sorry he was about missing my call the other night. Then he said it was because he wasn't feeling well so he turned his phone off. hmmmm. We talked a while and it was obvious he had been drinking. He said a lot of nice stuff probably the alcohol talking haha. Then he gave me his home phone number and work phone number and said if I didn't get thru on the cell phone to call them. Then he said he had been out drinking with his boss the day he missed my call. Three stories about the same missed phone call? What's up with that? So he said he'd call me Saturday and we'd get together on Monday. Here it is Sunday night and no phone call. Merry freaking Christmas. I tried not to call haha but finally did and just left a voicemail saying Merry Christmas. I'm such an idiot. Any ideas? I know I call too much. I've asked him about why he never calls me and all he says is he's sorry and to call whenever I want. We are both in our 40s and this all sounds sort of silly.