stewmic1

Wow! Is that true? Where did you learn this? I only ask because my ex-boyfriend used to do things like take his daughter on out of town trips and stuff, yet he would never do those things with me. I loved his daughter, so I wouldn't let him make me "jealous" but I always felt let down and disappointed that he couldn't or wouldn't give me attention that he seemed obviously capable of giving his daughter.

Nenez... Actually from what I've read about commitmentphobic people... they make wonderful parents. Just a side note. I don't think I need a man to "validate" me. I'm financially secure and independent. However... I would like a partner. I felt like everything was always on HIS terms and I just wasn't willing to be strung along forever.

I recently ended a relationship with a commitmentphobe, so I have some experience on the subject. Having been in 2 unhealthy marriages with no desire to take the plunge again... I think there may be something to finding someone who will be "safe" and who won't ask too much of you. I have read quite a few books on commitmentphobia and i do believe that it is an actual syndrome. My ex was a textbook case. 44-years old, never married... A true commitmentphobic person has trouble committing to long-term things such as purchases (homes, cars, furniture, etc), not just relationships. After recognizing the relationship for what it was I realized that I needed to get out of it. Being in love with someone who will NEVER go there is different than just being a little scared for the time being.

I just cannot communicate with my ex-husband. Without going into all the gory details, the relationship is not good. He lives in another state and for the most part, we just don't communicate a lot. Here's the latest. I have our 15-year old son during the school year, then he spends the summer with his dad. For my son's birthday in April, my ex bought him a 1985 Toyota 4-Runner. This last weekend, my son was at the gas station and had reached into the passenger side to open the gas tank lever... then forgot the door was open and got back into the driver's side to get closer to the pump. You guessed it, he caught the door on a pole and bent it and the fender pretty badly. Anyway... my step-father and my other son tried to bend the door back to get it to close, to no avail. For a new door and fender, I'm sure the damage to repair the vehicle would be well over $1000. My step-father recommended that we bolt the door closed so that the car is still driveable. This is what we did. Now... my ex is furious! He has called me every name in the book and says I will be responsible for the holes drilled in the doorjam. His new wife also sent me a nastygram informing me that THEY still own the vehicle and that I should have notified them before altering THEIR car. I am so pissed I can't even see straight... Any advice?

I am reading a book called "It's called a break-up because it's broken." It has some good advice for getting through a breakup.

You're right about a lot of what you said. I have not asked him to consider my feelings, I have no right to do that. But it doesn't stop it from hurting, hence the title of my post. I'm not claiming to know that the relationship I'm in now is forever. Was it a way to help me finally make a break from my ex?...yes. We had several breakups prior to this and because I wanted it to work so badly, I always went back. In retrospect, I am embarrassed at how little he had to do to make me come back to the situation. As far as the friends, I have stayed away completely. Most of them were friends with her before me, so I never expected them to side with me. However, A couple of them have told me how awkward it is to be somewhere out with them, when it used to be "us." I think they stay away from me out of sheer awkwardness... not out of meanness. Still... I'm on the losing end of that one. My ex friend ended up telling my ex-boyfriend things that were never meant for him to know. Things you tell your girlfriends when sounding off about your boyfriend. Needless to say, me and my ex don't speak at all. Doesn't make it hurt any less. Look, I don't know what's going to happen with the new b/f. He's a nice guy, we have fun together, and I enjoy spending time with him. That's all I really know for now. BUT, he was completely aware that I was seeing someone when we met. I was completely honest with him about how I felt about my ex, that I loved him dearly, but that I knew he would never commit to me. Probably what hurts the most is that all bridges have been burned, there is nothing left to salvage. It's all so final and it just sucks.

I was in a relationship with a man for over 2 1/2 years. He is 44 years old and has never been married. I had become painfully aware that the relationship would never go anywhere, but I really had a hard time deciding to end things with him because I loved him so much (still do). In April of this year, I ran into an old friend from high school. He also happened to be my best-friends ex. However, their relationship had ended over 3 years prior, they had each had several relationships since and their entire relationship had only lasted for a couple of months. My best friend had also been very vocal about her desire for me to break up with my commitmentphobic boyfriend. Anyway... this guy started giving me attention that I could only wish my ex would have given me... and I ended up breaking up with him to start dating my old school friend. My ex-best friend was livid! I had actually talked to her about it before I did it, and although she gave me several reasons not to date him, she never said I would be betraying her friendship if I acted on it. She became so mean (saying mean, vindictive and vicious things about me), and we ended up ending the friendship. THEN... I find out her and my ex are now dating. I can't tell you how painful this is! I broke up with him out of self-preservation.... NOT because I didn't love him anymore. And she knew that. This whole thing is a mess... all of our mutual friends have been forced to choose sides. And to top that off... all I can think about is my ex, who I loved more than anyone in my life. Any words of wisdom out there?