TAFFY

I've actually written several things, but this describes my life from childhood to adulthood. I hope that this is not a trigger for anybody, but here it is. It's a letter that I wrote to my inner child: Little Kathy, I just want you to know that I have been watching you all your life, watching the shame of letting that man touch you here and there, and then taking you into that camper and ripping your clothes. I watched you as a child, being made fun of by your own family, not being able to run like the rest of them. I've watched you when your cousins took you into the woods and did what they did, thinking that you enjoyed it, when you were really screaming inside, NO, NO! I watched you through the horrible beatings that you took. I watched as you disassociated yourself from the beatings so you wouldn't cry, and get beat all the more to make you cry. I watched your sisters treat you like dirt, and heard them say whatever they wanted to you, and you couldn't answer them back. I know that you wanted to, but knew that if you did there would be a beating waiting for you. I was there all through your early struggles; how hard you worked to get any sort of affection. I watched as this desparate need for any affection lead you into relationships that you should have stayed away from. Then I watched you grow up, and still struggle. I watched the determination that you had to make something of yourself, to join the Fire Dept and EMS. I watched how you were ridiculed there, and made fun of again, almost like you were back in school. I watched your struggles to get through EMT class. I watched the fight you put up when you wanted to go to paramedic school and your superiors tried every they could to discourage you. I also watched as you struggled day by day, just to remain in school and on the dept. I watched as you tested Registry, and ended up getting the highest score of anyone in the college on the Registry test. I watched as you struggled to get to be able to practice, and I watched them hold you down for a whole year. I know how you suffered because of this. Then, I watched as you fully understood and had the courage to hold peoples' lives in your very hands, and I saw the trust that these people had in you. Little Kathy, I'm so glad that you never gave in to the multiple times that you wanted to quit paramedic school, quit the dept., and yes, to even quit living. I've watched you defeat yourself time and time again by your own thoughts. I've watched the mistakes that you've made in your life, I the lessons that you've learned along the way. I just want to tell you that I am very proud of the woman that you turned out to be, and I'm prouder still that you give encouragement and hope to other people through your experiences.

DarkBlue, I guess I should adjust my post, then. That poem describes my childhood experiences. Alice1987, if you want, I can copy my poem into this forum. I'll do that now.

Joshsbaby9188, I am 33 yrs older than you, but you've just described my childhood. If you need to talk, please know that I will listen. I know that was very hard for you to write. I did the same thing in another forum, and I know how it felt to be writing it, and at the same time, how it felt when it was out of me and on the screen. You have such a lot of courage for such a young person.

My very first relationship was with a guy that was older than I, and he taught me how to French Kiss. Bad breath is definitely a major turn off, but the one thing he did that really, really grossed me out and he only did it the one time because I told him I didn't like it, that it hurt, was that he grabbed my tongue with his teeth, and wouldn't let me go. I mean, he put such a bite on my tongue that I couldn't even move. Don't like that, no way, no how!

Does the problem that I have with just speaking with someone I don't know stem from what happened to me when I was younger? I have a terrible time just talking to a stranger or at times, even someone I know very well. I will be talking on the phone to someone, and my voice will get lower, and then I start to stumble over words, then I can't think of the word I want (it's like my mind goes blank), then I sit there and try to talk and it will be like I can't get the word out (I can't seem to speak the word) and this causes me great anxiety. Can anyone tell me why this happens, and can someone tell me why I am so scared of everything and everybody? I'm feeling real anxious right now typing this? I hate feeling this way. 8-[ I am trying to help myself, and I do want to get better, but I'm just having a very hard time right now. Chai, you are probably right that I shouldn't worry about a relationship at this point in time.

Maybe I'm not expressing myself adequately enough to say what I want to say. Right now, I am scared of everything and everybody. I have trouble going out of the house. I have uncontrollable shaking, and when I try to talk to someone, someone I don't know or a man I don't know, I physically have a very hard time speaking to them, even on the phone. I would like to be in a relationship again, but I've been hurt so many times that I would just like to know how a man would get a woman he wants to be intimate with to relax enough to enjoy the various stages of arousal, foreplay, intercourse. I would just like to know that somewhere out there is a man that would be willing to work with a woman in my situation to get her relaxed enough so that she would enjoy sex. I don't want to be with someone, and have him want to be intimate, and then freak like I did the 1st time. My ex told me that I was wet and he thrust into me and said that all of a sudden I was dry, but then got wet again. I've had sex 3 times with the same man, and never once had an orgasm.

All of you have given some very good advice. I had a very severe bout of depression from the middle of May, till October. My mother, whom I loved very dearly and was her caretaker, was in the hospital to get rehab to regain her strength and died suddenly and completely unexpected. I didn't know how bad I was until my friends said something to me. And then, with the friend's father molesting me at age 11, I tend not to trust men very well. I had repressed the memories of being molested by my cousins until just recently, and had started to have flashbacks of these episodes. That's basically why I posted in this forum, to see if any of the women, and hopefully some of the men could give me some insight as to: 1. How women who've suffered abuse tolerate intimacy with a partner or a spouse, 2. How would a man present himself, or perform, or some of the things that men (the nice ones) perform. I've asked this badly. I would like to her how a guy would treat his partner if she's been abused as a child, and how he would or even if he would modify kissing, making out, foreplay and ultimately intimacy. Sorry this post is so long. Thanks for any help anyone could give in advance.

I don't know if this is where I should post this or not, but since this is the Abuse and Violence forum, here it will go: I am an adult survivor of child abuse, and repeated molestations by 2 cousins and another molestation by the father of a friend. I have not dealt with these issues yet with a counsellor, I have an appointment in 2 wks. These experiences have caused me to be EXTREMELY distrustful of people in general and men in particular. I also survived 2 abusive partners, 1 verbally abusive and mentally cruel, and the other a physical abuser. I am not currently in a relationship, because of these huge trust issues and low-self esteem. I have a very dear friend that I keep in contact with via email. I guess the reason I'm posting on this site is, how do I learn to trust men again, and if I do happen to start in a relationship, how do I feel safe and comfortable with him if he wants to become intimate, and how should he act or perform or what actions or how should he handle me? Forgive me for asking these questions, and if this isn't where this post needs to be, please feel free to either move or delete it. With the physical abuser (my last ex) we were intimate a total of 3 times, and the 1st time we made love, as soon as he was inside me I got a mental vision of the man who molested me, and it was like he was right there in my face. I do not want this to happen again, and all 3 times I never had an orgasm, and all 3 times it was extremely painful. Can someone help me out here? Would like female and male opinions. Thanks.

Forgive me for jumping into your thread, but I agree with the last poster. I'm speaking from experience here. You have stated that your boyfriend is an abuser. Verbal abuse and mental cruelty are followed by physical violence. I stayed in a relationship for a while with a man who was a saint when we were dating. But, after we moved in together, his halo quickly fell off. Trust me, every abuser, whether male or female, say they are sorry and they will change and they won't do it again. That's a downright lie. Once an abuser, not many change, if any do at all. At the risk of offending you because this is my first post, you need to figure out what YOU want out of the relationship. If he changes, that would be a sweet thing, but they hardly ever change, and the abuse just gets worse and worse. Take care. Sorry if I offended anyone.