david_n

Move on... It looks like I don't have much of a choice. I try to have respect for myself, I really do. It's just hard when people stop thinking good things of you. Depression is a killer. People forget that. If you have it, sooner or later it will get you. Mine's mixed up with my childhood and how I make (or don't make) proper relationships with people now. I'm slowly making progress with my counsellor but the situation with my friend isn't helping. You're right, it does suck being around a depressed person. I guess she knows that as much as anyone...

I have a friend and I think I've lost her. I've known her for a couple of years now. I used to see her a fair bit; once or twice a week, sometimes just us, other times with other people. We got pretty close as friends and I really enjoyed her company, and she mine. About eight weeks ago I was having some real difficulties in my life. My depression grew a lot lower; I wasn't coping with life too well. I wrote my feelings down in an email and sent it to my friend. Looking back it was a selfish thing to do (when is depression not...?) but at the time I just needed to tell someone how I felt. I didn't even want any advice or help as such; I just wanted to know that someone knew how I felt; someone who cared. Unfortunately my friend was having some serious problems herself at that time. I didn't know and my awful timing must have seemed, well, bad to say the least. I didn't get much of a reply to my email and a couple of nights later I felt worse, quite desperate to be honest. I wrote another email to her, nothing insulting to her in any way but it reflected my state of mind. I was in a bad way. I tried calling her a couple of nights later but she wouldn't take my calls. She texted me and that's when I found she "...had her own problems right now", and couldn't deal with mine too. I told her that I understood and that she could talk to me any time if she wanted to. I haven't heard from her since. That week I went to my doctor and since then I've been in counseling (again) for my depression. I didn't try to contact her either but three nights ago I sent her email. Just a 'Hi, how you doing' sort of thing. She hasn't replied and now I don't know what to do. I dare not text her let alone try call her; I'm sure she'd just ignore me again. I just want my friend back. It feels as if I've gone from a good friend to someone not even worth talking to. And what am I meant to do? Just walk away? Forget it all and 'move on'? What is the effing point of having friends if they can just flick a switch and you're no longer a friend anymore? I mean, we didn't even fall out; it just seems so pointless... I know this sounds really pathetic and I know it's just one person but knowing there's someone out there who I care about, who used to really enjoy my company but now won't even talk to me is just really sad. Nonetheless, I appreciate you taking the time to read this.

Thank you so much Boricua7 for this info! It really has given me a place from where I can start to look for answers to some of the problems in my life. Thanks again Dave

Ok, so she knows and quite plainly isn't interested in the same thing. So what do I do now? I could try being more flirty but as mentioned before this seems unlikely to get anywhere. If I have to 'move on' what does that really mean? Do I simply stop calling her or ignoring her? I know it's not like splitting up with a girlfriend but I'm not going to feel good about this right? I'm gradually realising that if you don't know whether a girl likes you or not, she doesn't...

Thank you all once again, all your advice has given me lots to think about. On the one hand she might know I like her, on the other she might not. If I agree with the former then Shidoshi's advice makes sense. I think I need to take her off the top of my list of priorities. I'll never really know either way so I'll have to tell her soon how I feel. Any kind of negative response will be easier to take if she's not all I think about and I'm in a place where I can move on if I have to. I ride BMX, I do dirt jumps at the local track. Some days I'm there and no matter what I do I just can't find a rhythm; I get frustrated but the more I push the less I succeed. On days like these, when it's just not happening, I have to take a deep breath, stop and go do something else. This is how I feel now with my friend. It's not her fault, I could push more but it's just not happening. It feels sad, really sad but maybe it's time to go do something else.

Thanks for the replies, any thoughts on my situation are more than helpfull. So, it looks like I have to tell her that I feel things are a little one sided and part of why I feel that way is that I'm still attracted to her. To be honest here, it seems like a no-win situation. I either go on feeling like this or lose our friendship. That sucks. I've always thought of friendship as something you give to, but when it feels like you don't get anything back perhaps it is time to re-evaluate.

Hey there, I need either need some advice or a slap, you decide! I met this girl at work 2 years ago. I really liked her; I'm pretty shy but after a few months I told her. She wasn't ready for anything then, her personal and family life was quite messed up but she didn't dismiss anything in the future. We still saw each other at work and I helped her with some computer stuff for university. Then her family life and relations with other people at work went downhill and she left her job angry with a lot of people, me included. Over the next months I saw her once or twice at parties and group nights out. We got on ok and I went round to her house every now and then to help her with computer problems (I used to work IT support). And that's how it stayed until earlier this year. I helped her move house. I helped her with more IT stuff and then gradually we started to see each other more 'socially' but here's the problem; I still like her a lot, she still has all the qualities that attracted me to her in the first place but our relationship as it stands is starting to get to me. We go out to the cinema and to dinner and spend afternoons shopping but we're nothing more than good friends. That should be great. That should be just fine and dandy but it's not. I feel down when she doesn't call or reply to a text. When we're together at her place, we can't just sit there without feeling uncomfortable. For example, if I go round to help her with something, a minute or two after I've finished I end up asking her if I should go and she usually, sheepishly, says something about being tired or needing an early night. This makes me feel really flat and used. The thing is, I'm not exactly sure what else we could do that would resolve my 'issues'. I have no doubt that any sex or similar intimacy would end our relationship. I guess I'm just a little hacked off that another girl likes me as just a friend. Whatever it is, I'm getting really down about this thing and I doubt she'd have a clue how I felt. So what I'm asking is; how do I really tell if she just wants to be friends? And if that's so, what can I do in my head to make that ok and not kill our friendship? Any advice or help greatly appreciated! dn

Thank you both for your replies. Even though you might seem to disagree, you both make sense. Hope75 - Not much of what she has said has made sense. If she loves me and has this deep connection with me, why break up? I think I have to assume that the relationship in the form it was in is over. I have a lot to get right both physically and mentally and those things won't heel over night but heel they must. lady00 - About 2 years into a relationship my brother split from his gilfriend for over 18 months. They both had other relationships in that time and both of them moved on in various ways. They eventually got back together and have now been happily married for 8 years this June. I think the way I feel now is proof to me that I was too attached to her emotionally. Not being with her, even though my proximity to her is no different in real terms, makes me feel so awful that maybe despite the distance things were just too intense. Again, thank you all for your thoughts and considerations.

Cheers ger that helped. I won't push, I'll give her the space and time she needs. But right now, I feel like I've lost her forever you know? That really hurts...

First of all, please excuse me if I start to waffle a bit! I split up with my first real girlfriend yesterday. I'm 27, we'd been together for 9 months and it now feels like I've been punched really hard in the stomach. I can't seem to stop crying. It feels as if my whole future has been taken away from me. Some background: I met my girlfriend over the internet last summer. I've been out of work with a serious knee and back injury since last May and I used the 'net to try and meet some new people; being at home all the time was really depressing me. She lives 100 miles away and at first it was just great to email and text and talk to her over the phoine. We really connected at fundemental levels. Our emails were huge and our phone calls lasted for hours. She'd just been through a string of short-term relationships and was having real problems with her family (she still does), her job was and still is awful and she has a large and barely managable debt. She said she wasn't sure if she wanted another realationship. I knew the distance would be a problem and I was in no position to offer her anything really. But over time my feelings really grew for her. One day I told her that I loved her. She was surprised but she had similar feelings for me too. I started to drive up to see her and being off work meant I had the time to spend with her. Seeing her was great. We managed to spend every other weekend or so together and we spend all of Christmas together. We'd send each other cards and poems and just little things that we thought each other might like. We were in love and we started to plan a future together. We made no definate plans, nothing concrete, but I knew that whatever we'd be doing we'd be doing it together. Then... Over the last couple of weeks it seemed a strain for her to talk to me. She has a life away from me and it seemed that it was becoming hard for her to have these two lives 100 miles appart. She was honest and told me that she didn't feel as close to me as she had before. She knew how much I loved her but she felt she could love me back with the same intensity. We went away last week with some of her friends for a long-planned trip. We thought that some time together in a stress-free environment would help but over the week I could really feel that she didn't want to hold hands or hug or even spend time alone with me. Yesterday I talked all this through with her. She said that she still loves me, we're still soulmates and that she still cares deaply for me. It's just that she feels pressured by being in a relationship with me. It wasn't anything I'd done, it was how she felt about everything in her life right now. We split. She's so precious to me but I had to let her go. My feelings haven't changed. I still love her with all my heart and I believe her when she says she still loves me. I know how difficult and complicated her life is, mine is too, I just can't see how being further appart will help. She says she can't explain how she feels, only that she can't be with me right now. She can't or won't give any other explanation and I don't want to upset either of us any more by pushing her for one. So what the hell do I do now??? My future with her has suddenly disappeared. The woman I love cannot be with me for reasons I may never know. She still wants to be in contact with me but how much is going to be good for me or her? Every part of me wants to hope that we can get back together, that this is just a temporary thing. But hanging on for something that might never happen would be a living hell. Right now I'm just crying all the time. I have a sense of loss that I've never felt so deep. All the photos and letters and poems and emails and cards; all those hopes and dreams; all the memories! They're all meaningless now! She said she meant it all at the time but what the hell does that matter now??? I'll give her the space she needs and I know she appreciates that. It's just, what do I do now for me and for her? If you've read all this through then you have my deepest thanks. It's complicated I know, but if anyone can offer any help at all, I will appreciate it more than you know.