ron13

similar situation to mine. i ended a year+ relationship, then realized about 4 months later (after she stopped trying to get me back, of course) that i had made a mistake, and now have been trying for about 4 months to get her back with regular, not crazy contact. i realized how much i truly loved her and wanted to spend my life with her, after misprioritizing things in my life when i broke up with her. i needed to work on communicating better with her, which i have done since it's been over. i, like you, wrote her a couple letters explaining everything and apologizing. she's still unsure what she wants, so i am giving her space and distance now and trying to move on - but of course, i still want her back more than anything. good luck to you - although now you may have given me false hope. ah well...

thanks for the input - it's nice to get others' perspectives on a situation i have analyzed 1000 times. i expect nothing from her at this point and am moving on and living my life. she knows where i am if she ever changes her mind, but i'm not sitting around and waiting for that. for now, some limited contact is okay by me and i know i can handle it. here's to everyone on this board in search of happiness - we'll all find it eventually.

i'll keep this brief. dated for one year - best ever - about nine months since i broke up with her over stupid reasons (where to live/move) - first few months, she tried hard to get me back, that stopped, then for the last four months, roles are reversed and i have been trying to get her back. in that time, she moved back home near her family with some possibility of her returning, i have expressed my feelings to her better than ever (flowers, letters, cards, etc) while still giving her plenty of space, and she has said that no doors are closed but she isn't ready for anything, including really talking about anything anymore, and enjoying being single and going out with her friends. we are still really good friends and talk nearly every day on the phone. she calls me at least 2-3 times a week late at night after partying with her friends. i went to see her a couple weeks ago, and we had a good time, although nothing happened and she didn't want to talk about anything. i'm okay giving her space and time - but i have also asked her to tell me if she doesn't see us getting back together or if she doesn't want to or if there is someone else or whatever the reason is - just tell me so i can move on. i have seen some other girls, but no one compares to her yet. she really won't open up to me still. my question is why does she not simply tell me it's not going to happen - her actions and attitude show me this, and i have asked her more than once to not worry about hurting my feelings and just tell me, but she hasn't. is she really still unsure? i know and am trying to just move on without much hope, but that would be a little easier if she would just say it's done. she knows the ball is in her court and i have done everything i can to win her back and fix the error i made by breaking up with her - it has been four months of me trying so i'll let it go - just wondering what is going on in her mind/heart. thanks

just be honest with him about the computer screw-up - i doubt he will think it's a big deal, hope not anyway. as for his profile looking for someone like you - not sure what to tell you. if you and him were in more contact, i would certainly ask him about that and why if he is looking for those specific things, then why did he throw it all away with you. from his reply, sounds like he is still pretty confused about things. like you told me, space is probably the best thing. when i broke up with my ex, she was trying to get me back for several weeks afterwards, and i felt like i just needed space and time. now the roles are reversed and i am trying to get her back - and what do you know, giving her space and time. that has worked as she contacts me when she would like to talk or anything and we have better, more meaningful conversations, and i don't come accross as needy. his response about never intending to hurt you is EXACTLY the thing i told my ex during the breakup process and afterwards. she said she didn't care about my intent, i did what i did. it was/is a true statement, but sometimes we (guys) think it might be for the best to part ways, for whatever (or completely wrong) reasons. maybe he'll recognize his mistake like i did, and hopefully soon, before you've moved on...

sounds like an excellent idea, get out what i need to say/feel, but not by bothering her. sounds like you are doing pretty well with this method. she knows i'm here and how i feel at this point. we'll see what happens, but whatever does, i'll be okay with it. i'll have to.

i think your analysis of her situation is right on. lots going on in her life right now, and then me coming back to her. the night i told her i wanted her back, with flowers, letter, hug, etc - i also emailed her that night and said i would give her as much space as she needed. i screwed up her finals last semester b/c that was when we were breaking up, so i am not allowing myself to do that again. i have tried to see her, and i guess i have about once a week for the last three weeks, so it's better than nothing. i have called her some, sent her flowers once, made her some cds, we talk online occasionally, i sent her a good luck on finals e-card, offered to bring her breakfast. so i have made sure i am here and she knows, but i don't want to overwhelm her and drive her away. i suppose i have been pressing the issue some because there is a strong likelihood that she is moving away in a couple weeks, and i obviously don't want that to happen. cool, comforting, solid, "there", but distant - that's my goal. i know i have my work cut out for me, but she's worth it. i keep wondering if out of the blue one night, she'll say okay, here's your chance. who knows. thanks for all your help - it does really help, alot. wish your guy realized his mistakes like i have. maybe you are lucky that you split and that was it, i guess time will tell.

assuming that he is a good guy (which you believe to be true i hope), i am guessing he is confused. he obviously has been unsure about things several times in your relationship. but he also appears to not want to cut off all contact with you by leaving this door slightly open. you should tell him you can't be screwed around like this and really lay it all out there for him. if he is still unsure, then you gotta try and move on and not allow yourself to be messed with like this. who knows, that may bring him back when you cut him out completely. can't put yourself through this though.

i'm in a similar situation of trying to get someone back after i broke up with her. unfortunately, it took me 5 months before realizing i made a mistake. i feel for you here, you want him back and he is unsure/doesn't want to get hurt again. same story with my ex. i think at this point you should feel somewhat good by recognizing your mistake and telling him how you feel. nothing else you can do but try to maintain some contact so he knows you are around, interested, and sorry. once you decide you want somebody back and tell the person, all you can do is live with their decision of whether to take you back or not, and that may take some time, which is frustrating. but hey, as the dumpers, we can't expect too much here, we were the ones hurting them by breaking up in the first place.

well, i was the dumper and am now doing the chasing back- reasons we broke up were circumstances, i.e. where we each want to live in the future - but mainly it was an unwillingness to compromise on my part. i think that because we broke up due to circumstances and not lack of feelings, that maybe we do have a chance to rekindle, at least i hope so. after the initial breakup, there was lots of fighting, but we obviously kept in touch a little. she wanted me back then. once the fighting stopped and we didn't talk as much, then the tables turned and i wanted her back. we've always kept in some kind of touch though, we were best friends until i broke her heart. she stopped fighting and arguing with me, thus causing me to stop fighting back. we became more civil, and my true feelings began to show onece again. when she stopped chasing/fighting, the tables turned. we tried NC a few times, a few weeks here and there. the first hints i gave her i was showing interest was an increase in niceness towards her, sent her flowers a couple times apologizing, attempts to hang out in small doses, etc. then i wrote her a long letter explaining my thoughts and feelings that i wanted her back if she was interested. it has now been 6 months since we broke up, and i have been chasing her back down for the past month or so. there wasn't a ton of chasing at the beginning of the relationship, as we just clicked immediately (dated for 14 months). i think she thinks she should have made me chase more, and she is making me do that more now, as well as protecting herself more. why is it that humans 1. take special people for granted 2. don't realize how good we had it until we threw it away 3. think the grass may be greener man, i'm such an idiot...

well, it's been a couple weeks since i tried to get her back - apologizing for my misguided priorities, telling her i am willing to compromise, asking for a second chance. while she said no doors were closed, i can tell she has moved on and i blew my chance by taking so long before figuring out i wanted her back. i've been optimistic for the last couple weeks, as we talk more and get along better, but she doesn't have time for me right now, even when i ask her to do things, like have coffee, ice cream, breakfast, bought us tickets to a concert, etc. to her credit, we are in the middle of finals and are super busy, but she has made time for her other friends who have been there for her all along - i can tell where i stand. what i don't get is that she loves living here, loves her friends here, and used to love me here. yet, she is still planning on moving back home in a few weeks, even though a large part of her wants to stay here. she just told me how important her friends were and how she would miss them. is she trying to get me to tell her she should stay? i doubt it, as she won't stay here for me, but rather other reasons. but of course i want her to stay so badly and have told her that already. i know she won't stay for me at this point, but it seems like there are other reasons right in front of her for her to stay. i already told her i want her back and really hopes that she stays, knowing she is unlikely to do so for me. what else can i do? how long do i keep this up trying to get her back? it is killing me inside, knowing how badly i screwed it up in the first place and wished it never happened. at some point i have to move on myself, as it seems she has already done. i know she isn't seeing anyone else, but she comes accross pretty lukewarm toward me, sometimes. on the other hand, i still get random late night phone calls and a few "just calling to say hi" calls, but she is really tentative to see me in person it seems. so confusing and i get so many mixed signals from her. not sure what to do.... sorry for the length of this rant...

thanks for the kind words, lakergal. you're right about compromise and not being a doormat - there is a fine line. she is a pretty emotional one, and i am pretty laid back, so i let myself be a doormat far too often during our year together, mostly so she would be happy. finally when there was something i felt super strongly about, like not moving, i did a complete 180 and wouldn't budge an inch. i myself need to find that line with her, if she does give me the second chance. as for you, i hope you don't let your ex take you on that emotional roller coaster anymore. sounds like you have given more than his fair share of chances. he doesn't deserve you. i know everything will work out for the best for you. thanks for the good luck - i'll need it for both the her and the bar. good luck to you too.

you're right - i wasn't ready to compromise at all back then, even when she was willing to stay here for awhile. i am ready to compromise now, but maybe not enough. i'm in a situation where i can't really leave yet, and she has about a 50/50 chance of staying here herself, completely regardless of me and what i do. so i guess what i was saying is that maybe we can get back together if she stays, and, if not, then i'm gonna have to find a way to move asap to make it work. not sure why it has taken me so long to realize if you want to be with someone, compromise is an essential part of it. the last thing i want is to emotionally blackmail her or giver an ultimatum - i already did that once and won't let myself hurt her like that again.

i guess i should also point out that after the 5 months of being apart, now i finally realize i want her back two weeks prior to us graduating law school. the problem is that i am staying here in the city where we go to school, she might be moving to take the bar elsewhere, she's not sure yet. the only way it would work was if she did stay here for awhile, then later i would be willing to compromise if we wanted to move somewhere together. i suppose the next couple weeks will be the ultimate test if she wants a chance at a future with me, as she can decide to stay for awhile. i don't expect her to, hell, that is what split us up in the first place. it would take a huge leap of faith for her to stay (although she was thinking of staying on her own, anyway). we'll see what happens.

well, i told her how i felt, that i was wrong, confused, sorry, etc, etc. she said she hasn't closed any doors but really wants to protect herself. she didn't like my flip-flopping of feelings in the first place, when things were great but i made something else my priority foolishly. she doesn't want me to change my mind yet again tomorrow, or the next day, etc, etc. i told her, so feel good about that. i may have blown my only real chance, but I don't expect her to just come running back. it may take some time, if ever, for us to work. but i'm gonna go down fighting to fix my screw up. thanks for the good advice.

i plan to - i sent her flowers this week, we talk everyday. i wrote her a five page letter that i want to give her when we see each other, but she does seem somewhat hesitant to hang out with me in person