Random Stranger

In reply to both comments: I met Ben last year. Although I didn't really get to actually spend some time with him until this summer. He goofs around on occasion, but it just lightens things up, it's not overly immature and annoying like some people can get. He knows when to just be quiet and sit with me. I had to be arbor girl for homecoming and he came to watch, without me asking, and he knew I wasn't looking forward to it, so he was there when I had to do it and just kind of made fun of it with me, but then when it came time for the dance he had bought me a white rose. He doesn't constantly follow me around either, he gives me time to just hang out with my friends and it seems like he always knows the right time to come over and talk with me. I didn't find out he was only fourteen until the dance. And when it was brought up, he instantly looked over at me...and I could tell he was worried that would bother me. We just kind of looked at eachother and I decided to just shrug it off for the night. I didn't think it was fair to all of the sudden just shut him out. I know at his age I was pretty mature (due to situations that cause one to grow up a little quicker than some), and I just want to give him a chance to prove himself before I just nix him from my mind. As to how will my friends handle it: One of my friend's is actually dating a friend of Ben's who is also a freshman, and my friend is a junior. She is the one who encouraged me to actually consider Ben...even though I do not date...and the idea of dating a freshman just...didn't sound appealing. But he's been 100% sweeter than any junior who has tried to get my attention, and actually? far more mature about it. I've had a lot of guys in my class ask me out, and all of them have been really immature about it. Taking things way too fast, and obsessing. I tend to attract the obsessive guys...which is just...blah. But Ben gives me space, and then he's there when I need him. And we're just, friends more than anything. And I think we could build a really good friendship and eventually date. As far as legal goes, and criticism by others: That's going to be the hardest part. Because honestly, after what happened to me, I very much do not want to be seen as someone like that. At all. On the other hand, I have absolutely NO intention of doing anything "illegal" with Ben. Heck, I've never even kissed a guy. I'm just not into all of that. And my mother is very strict, it's not like we would be out partying and hanging out all hours of the night. In fact, due to money issues, I can't even drive, so it's not like we'd be cruisin the town together either. Aslo, I don't think his parents will have too much of a problem with it. Their only other children are actually 21 and 30 and his mother is 50 years old, and i'm fairly certain her husband is a few years younger. Also, I have no 'record' of being a bad kid and maintain a place as one of the top ten in my class. So I'm not some harcore bad kid either. However, if his parents DO have a problem with it, I know I will have to break it off. Because I would not be able to handle that. In the end though, I think Ben and I will always be friends. Which is the most important thing to me. I honestly don't even know what to think a 'relationship' would be like between us. Other than the fact that we would simply just not date other people. Anyway, this is long enough to be a whole 'nother entry. Thank you for your comments. And I hope that cleared some things up on where I stand? Sorry it's so long, thanks again.

I wish I could help...I don't exactly know what to say. Well, at least I'm fairly certain what I have to say is not what you want to hear...from what I gather (and perhaps I'm wrong), he is a little too over-protective. And perhaps you would do better to let him go... Also, although you did not exactly explain what your parents' issues with him are...I suppose you know why they do not like him very much. And maybe you should also take into consideration thier concerns, which indeed may be valid. Anyway, I hope everything works out for you. Take care.

My analysis of the situation is this: For a lot of people it is much easier to open up to someone through the internet. The anonymity of it just makes us feel so much more comfortable. And with emails, we have time to stop and just take time to really think about how we feel and word it in the best way we can. On the phone however, we are put more on the spot. We don't have time to cleverly think out what we want to say, and there's this fear that now we must come up with answers right on the spot. Which, in turn, makes us feel almost like we are being analyzed or we are bound to mess up our words or thoughts and have things come out wrong. We just feel more exposed. It's not like we can go back and reread our text, dotting our i's, crossing our t's and making sure everything came out exactly the way we intended. And perhaps, the nearer the time comes for the two of you to meet, the more nervous she is becoming, because she doesn't know if she can quite meet your standards in person. The internet just feels so much more safe. My advice, is to just let her know you understand how she feels and try and give her time. Don't try so hard to analyze her, if she is writing you emails that are warm and sweet, then she appears to still like you and want to make things work. It's probably just like she says...hard to open up for her. Well, I hope that helps. Good Luck.

For a long time, I couldn't find anyone that I was really interested in. Then, I met Ben. At the time, I didn't know his age. In my last post I wrote about Ben...but I neglected to mention his age. I keep trying to convince myself that it doesn't matter...because I really do like him. However, he's a freshman. When I found that out, I was uncomfortable yes, but I figured...Juniors date freshman sometimes, it's not so unheard of. Then it occurred to me that it is usually the OTHER way around, meaning the GIRL is the freshman...not the guy. But I am getting over that too. I mean, I know my grandma is 9 years older than my grandpa, and they have the strongest relationship I have ever seen. But then I found out, not only is he a freshman, but also, he's only fourteen. He won't be 15 until March. I'll be 17 this month. I'm nearly 3 full years older then him. Which would be okay, I suppose, but at this age, three years can be a BIG age gap as far as maturity goes. Now, I'm not looking for someone to be all touchy-feely with. Quite the contrary. I hate to ALWAYS bring this part up on here, but it greatly affects my concerns when it comes to dating...when I was younger, i was taken advantage of by someone far older than me. So the fact that I have FINALLY found someone I care about...and he is YOUNGER than me by so many years...just makes me feel...horrible. But the truth is, he seems to be mature for his age (not neccassarily date-wise, but like i said, that's not what i'm looking for) but as far as understanding things. The most important aspect of a person that I would 'date' is that I can talk to them. That they will perhaps understand me. I've had a pretty rough life, and that greatly affects the person that I am, I don't talk about it all to others much, but it is still a big part of who I am and why I do certain things, act certain ways, etc. It affects how I feel about different things. And I'm not exactly sure if a fourteen-year-old could understand any of that. I want someone who can talk to me on the same level. Not that he neccassarily has to have BEEN through the things I have, but just that he can understand them. When I talk to Ben, we always seem to be on the same page. We like the same music, we enjoy hanging out, he's really sweet and moves very slow, he's not pushy. A lot of guys I know that have liked me I have never dated because of the simple fact that perhaps they COULD understand me, but they never would have cared to try, they only cared about one thing...and I suppose we can all guess what that is. And I'm just not ready for all of that stuff. I prefer more like a very close friend. Someone you can talk to and sit down and watch a stupid movie and laugh and be close, but not have all that akward tension and touchy-feely junk. I keep trying to talk myself out of liking Ben though, because I feel like he's just...too young. But whenever I'm around him I forget the age gap, he doesn't act likes he's 3 years younger than me. And him being the first person I have ever felt comfortable getting close with...I really don't want to let him go. Is he too young?

Due to some childhood trauma, I haven't ever really dated. I've steered clear of dating and haven't even called anyone a "boyfriend" since seventh grade, (although you can scarcely call someone a boyfriend at that age). I never even really kissed anyone. As a kintergardner I'm sure I ran around the playground kissing and chasing all the boys and even through elementery I'm sure. But I've never been in a serious relationship and kissed a guy. In fact, I'm really just not comfortable with all of that physical stuff. Which is a big part of why me and my seventh grade 'boyfriend' broke up. I've been asked to date guys many times. I've been asked by some I would never really see that way, by close guy friends, by some "hot" guys at my school. But I have always politely declined. One of the so-called "popular" guys at our school, who yes, (he is quite appealing as far as his appearance goes), asked me why I never dated. And I said I just didn't and whatnot. He told me there were a lot of guys who liked me and to be honest? I was quite surprised. I'm not a popular girl, I went through a phase where I hung out with the popular crowd, but it wasn't for me and I preferred a more realistic bunch. I'm also a bit of a loner. And also, I do not consider myself very flattering in appearance. I'm actually terribly self-consious (which I suppose also has a hand in the fact that I do not date). Anyway, the point is, I just don't date...until very very recently. No, I'm not dating still, BUT I found someone that I would actually consider... He's very very sweet. And he's real. He listens to me and I talks to me. We are friends..but I have been told he likes me, which I know he does, and he was told I do not date...but, I don't think anyone really realized until last night, that I do like him. I had to be an arbor girl (because I am in the top ten of my junior class) for homecoming. Which means I had to get all dressed up and go to the dance, and blah blah blah. I talked to him a little at the game, and he made fun of me for being in a dress (which is something I rarely do). Then when we got to the dance and I was finally let loose to do as I pleased, he gave me a white rose and just hung out with me the entire time. We talked a little, and danced together...slow danced. We laughed and chatted and I talked with some of his friends and some of mine. We were rarely apart from eachother the whole time. This is terribly abnormal for me, because usually the idea of being constantly by some guy that I know likes me is not easy. But he wasn't all pushy and clingy. I suppose I was the more assertive one even. Which is just...very abnormal for me. How we met, was this summer, at Warped Tour. Or well, I met him(Ben) once before that when he was hanging out with a member of my band and I was introduced. But at Warped he was part of the group I went with. There were four of us, and my one friend was in a cast, so the whole time we are in this moshing crowd, I'm trying to protect her arm from too much slamming into and whatnot. Ben was behind me and everyone was pressed so close together that when the crowd leaned and so on, you were pulled wherever the majority desired. I had never been to a concert like this, so I had worn my very long hair down. Bad idea. It was pulled in every direction and I kept getting pulled back. Ben put his hands lightly on my waist to keep me from being thrown around. Again, this would normally make me terribly oncomfortable, but it was instead largely appreciated. He didn't say anything about it or try and be any way about it, he just was simply being nice. Then when my friend in the cast had had too much, the four of us tried to wade back out of the crowd while the band was still playing. Crowd control pulled her and my other friend out but Ben and I were left behind to make our way all the way back through the crowd. Which, let me tell you, was not easy. We grabbed one another's hands and he led us out. We walked a little bit after we had made it out then both realized we were still holding hands, and let go. I had to retie my shoes so he wated and then we went to find the group. Anyway, that's how this all started. Ever since that day, I haven't been able to stop thinking about him. I've never felt so comfortable with a guy. I told no one that I thought anything of him. However, as school started up again, I was told by one of his closer friends that he talked about me all the time. I didn't know what to say, secretly, he was constantly on my mind as well. Then last night with homecoming happened, and it's I suppose obvious to him that I do think something of him. In a way, I feel like...maybe I'm finally getting over some of the guy struggles that the early childhood trauma instilled in me. On the other hand, I am terribly afraid that I'm letting this all wrap me up and it will only make things harder. I know I really want to be his friend...and I know that he makes me feel incredible just to see him smile at me. And I even love having his arms around me. But oddly enough, I don't know if I could date him. Because then there comes the issues of kissing and all of that. Stuff I've never done, and not due to him, but due to my past, are quite frightening. I'm afraid that if he sees that I'm not into all of that it will be because of him. And also, I'm afraid dating him means I will have to explain why I want to take things very slow...that it's only fair to him if I date him to be honest...and I don't know if I could do that. I really just don't know what I am supposed to do or think. I'm frightened this whole thing might be a big mistake. And perhaps more frightened that I almost don't care.

(this poem is yet to be named, and i know this is the 'poetry' section and i put a lot more than just poetry, i'm sorry, I didn't know exactly where this post should go...) What you did to me I can not understand When you held me ...And I felt your hand Softly touching me Caressing me Gently stroking my hair ...Your fingers everywhere Moist kisses on my neck On my chest I feel you in my skin My dress lifted up ...Your hand slipped in Ghost whispers in my ears Driving away my fears ....Inserting new ones of your own Hot breath Sweet lies ...How could I have seen through your disguise? I still feel you I hear you I'm haunted by the memories Vivid and frightening Subtly always present ...Then striking like lightning I was too young to understand How can you call yourself a man? (this is my first post as this user, though I used to have another username on here that I used a few times. i know the poem is not very good, it never has been revised or anything. It's the first poem I ever wrote about, well, what it is about, and (perhaps needless to say), it was not easy to write. It's something that any persons who know me in person, do not know. It happened a long time ago, and mostly, I just locked it away. Really, I locked it away so deep that, although part of me never forgot about it, I convinced myself that I did....until recently. I tried to help someone...on the FLIP side of my situation, meaning...the offender. He was an online person, and actually, he had never done anything, but he did like...younger girls. And he himself was only 15. I thought...maybe somehow I could help him and make him realize his problem and save some one from going through what I went through. Talking to him was the first time i ever admitted to myself what had happened. This was about...the end of last school year. It got to the point to where he was saying that he really was starting to question himself, but he said he needed real convincing, because for him, he didn't see anything wrong with dating 4-8 yearold girls (sometimes younger, rarely older). He said they seemed to like him a lot. So, I finally told him about what had happened to me and how they just don't UNDERSTAND what the guy is feeling and what he is trying to do and...well, all of that. He was shocked to hear what had happened to me and then started coming to me for help all the time. As hard as it was for me to not just...well, be disgusted with him and so on, i was there and listened and tried to help. But it was so hard, because to re-remember all of that...to admit it was real to myself for the first time…it just, was hard. I started having daymares which consisted of shivers and it just...felt like i could feel him breathing on my neck again...psychotic, i know. But I was only 7 or 8 when it happened, and I never told anyone. No I was not full-out raped. But it was my aunt's new husband (they didn't stay married too long) and I loved him to death. yeah, that sounds twisted, i know, but before anything happened, he just, he always held me and hugged me and kissed me. ~shakes head~. It disgusts me now that I was so stupid to not see what was going on. I was always far too snuggly and friendly with everyone. I guess, in that sense, it is partly my own fault. The point is, even though this all happened years ago, it's hard to finally take in account what happened. And then the kid i was trying to help, relapsed and started coming to me with 'girl issues' about how much he loooooooooved these girls. And he knew they loved him, and i'd try to help and he'd say i was wrong, it wasn't bad, i was just messed up from what had happened to me, he'd NEVER do that to them. I tried so hard for so long to help, but after awhile...I just...gave up. It was too much. The hardest part is knowing i failed someone. That some girl or girls are going to be hurt just because of me...it's all hard. And now I have remembered all of this, for nothing. And it's not like i can talk to anybody about it. It's a topic most people hate. And it makes me feel pretty stupid and very dirty. But...I don't know, I figured, maybe if I posted something on here, i could have the privilege of being anonymous, that way, if I freak someone (or lots of someones) out, I can just drop this account and not bring it up again. I'm really hesitant to post this...but...I don't know, I have to try something. I mean, it's gotten so bad that I was at the store, and I thought I saw him...I don't know, maybe I did, down the aisle...and i just froze. For...I don't know how long, and then walked back to look...and no one was there. Was there ANYone there? I really can't say. I don't know…but this entry is getting really long, and this being the POETRY section, I think I ought end fairly soon. Sorry if this entry is offensive to people or something…I didn't really know how to label it fairly: "Warning: content includes reference to molestation". That just…sounds weird. I don't know. Okay thanks, I'm done.