RainyCoast

Jealous Evan lied: "love you!". MULCH

Wealthy old regents lived daringly. MULCH

it should've been me. i still feel that. what must you be thinking, knowing it all now. this is me mum. but you knew, didn't you. i think you did. it drags on endlessly, right? well. as long as it ends. that's all i got. it's one of those nights. that rubs your face in the picture of it all and refuses to let go. i saw a woman rolling her suitcase along the quay today, she was walking towards our street. just like you did. there are hundreds of them doing the same thing, it shouldn't hurt like this. i am very grateful that you are free though. i really am.

Some people eat asparagus raw. BRUSH

All venomous insects are nuisances. SHADE

Are raisins good on naan? MOVIE

my guess is we're a dissociated generation in some way. not really asking to be fully accepted, safe... maybe we're such a judgemental society and so dysfunctional at the same time that we're used to emotional disclosure being a risk in terms of being misunderstood, not accepted etc. that we trick ourselves into a false image of intimacy. you see us all posting...i don't trust him about this, i resent her for that, i am afraid of him because of suchandsuch...but yeah, at least sporadically, we play ma' and pa' in the bedroom and have meals together. playing intimacy. us humans- sad and fragile at times, and funny when you look at us from an objective standpoint.

not really annoyed, just perplexed- about folk having a troublesome sex life and not talking about it with each other. so...you can have sex with them, but you can't talk about the sex with them? isn't it alarming to them that they're having sex with someone they can't talk to? or is it just about the fact that even physical intimacy is easier than full emotional disclosure? are we so afraid of being vulnerable and so in denial about it? but then isn't it telling when we can't even utter what we physically do? does that not say "we're not really about trust and honesty and feeling safe here, are we"? in some people, the inhibition has a physical manifestation and in others it seems to be the other, out of denial of the problem with emotional intimacy perhaps? i somehow can't settle for the explanation that so many just mistake sex for intimacy, i mean, most people can't be that dim. just rambling thoughts i guess.

i had a dream a few months ago. patient S seemed unwell. my shift was ending, i brought it up, nobody else noticed. said he was perfectly fine. funny how everyone always seems fine to them and when they kill themselves they're all like there were no warning signs, noone could've seen it coming. smh. criminal. i could've sworn something was off. i got home, S on my mind, figured i'd pray for whatever it was to be washed away. they don't need more on their plates. hit the couch and before i even started the prayer...i was out... and i saw a transparent likeness of S restlessly pacing my room, the room felt crowded with restless ghosts- not evil ones, no- just restless. i was thinking keep it down you guys i'm sooo tired i just need a nap and then remembered- i said i would pray. so still alseep, i prayed for him. the movement in the room seemed to be slowly coming to a halt as i prayed, the atmosphere clearing up, it felt like they were gone. and then i saw you, relaxed, sitting next to me. and you said "one time, S didn't see me and almost sat on me. i wonder....if you can see them...perhaps you can see me too?". He is fine for now, btw. you probably see that. i keep crying like a kid for you. i just really need to believe you are here with me now. i never thought i would feel so helpless on my own. i never used to before. i feel horrible for P too and miss him so much. and still mourn that Chris wasn't given what he needed. and rtill resent it somewhat that i wasn't allowed to be there. they really did him in cruelly. i don't want to be like this. i want this washed away too. and then i want to overflow whatever good i possess. i know i have a purpose, i know it has great effects. i should not be stuck like this. i need to get back in the saddle somehow. the town is ablaze with summer. coffee and cicadas. except i can't take it in. when the ice hit my glass and the heat was pressing against the windowpane and i heard the tourists and...you would've been here just two years ago. i am miserable- and hate myself for it. i shouldn't be like this but why can't i help it? i'd been doing so well and then...bam..again...this can't keep happening. my blood work came back horrible. i've been too hard on P. i feel grateful. to him, you, everyone, everything. and so unworthy of it all. i should get furious or something. hug nonna for me. i love you two so much. and everyone. and everything. i hope it stays engraved somewhere somehow, eternally, that love, even when i can't actively and effectively give it. i just don't want to count on that alone. i'll try to pull myself together and go see Eph today. he shouldn't have to wonder whether someone is there with him.

very old one but gets to me every time /

two monks on the toast / "just a little man. people will get it"

i feel ya. mine went through the roof tonight too. hang in there.

My old Vespa is excellent. BELLS

Please insert elevent cents, Emma. FRONT

Sadly, Tim rarely attended weddings. PIECE

the desire to read my doc's obituary tomorrow. i hate the jerk. he throws years of therapy down the drain with one rx. imbecile.

Ten eagels soared towards York. ASHES

guess the author was bored too

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bud spencer and terence hill in they call me trinity.

Does every parrot occasionally talk? FIELD

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right now, watching the work cat chase a moth.

it justifies my username. but i like the frequent refreshment.

“When they write my obituary. Tomorrow. Or the next day. It will say, Leo Gursky is survived by an apartment full of ” - Nicole Krauss, The History of Love You know what I shall die of? I shall die of eating an unwashed grape. One day out on the ocean I will die--with my hand in the hand of some nice looking ship's doctor, a very young one with a small blond moustache and a big silver watch. "Poor lady," they'll say, "The quinine did her no good. That unwashed grape has transported her soul to heaven.” - Tennessee Williams, A Streetcar Named Desire “There must be a government, said the first blind man, I'm not so sure, but there is, it will be a government of the blind trying to rule the blind, that is to say, nothingness trying to organize nothingness.” - José Saramago, Blindness “Dave once asked me what blind people dream about. Mostly in sound and feeling, I replied. At night I fall in love with a voice, and then wake to a feeling of physical loss. Sometimes I close my eyes to a chorus of “Happy Birthday!” The smell of cake and the sound of feet under the table. I awake in a body that’s too big. I also dream in motion and sensation. My father’s boat and the snore of the mast; the rough fabric of the safety harness and the rip of Velcro. The sun on my legs. And endless stretch of water impossible to imagine.” - Simon Van Booy, The Illusion of Separateness In a seeming paradox, it is the people who need the constant stimulation of others who are often most alone and least engaged with the world. Social activity is essentially a distraction from the existential challenge of confronting what is inside them. Hollow men don't sit and read. —Julian Baggini He gave me a severe look over his spectacles and said, as if he thought the words were deadly venom and might kill me, "You are an untidy person.” - Jim Butcher, Turn Coat “Philip wasn't the sort of man to make a friend of a woman. He wanted devotion. I gave him that. I did, you know. But I couldn't stand being made a fool of. I couldn;t stand being put on probation, like an office-boy, to see if I was good enough to be condescended to. I quite thought he was honest when he said he didn't believe in marriage -- and then it turned out that it was a test, to see whether my devotion was abject enough. Well, it wasn't. I didn't like having matrimony offered as a bad-conduct prize.” - Dorothy L. Sayers, Strong Poison “Every individual needs revolution, inner division, overthrow of the existing order, and renewal, but not by forcing them upon his neighbors under the hypocritical cloak of Christian love or the sense of social responsibility or any of the other beautiful euphemisms for unconscious urges to personal power.” -C.G. Jung “I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being good all the time. That would be hypocrisy.” - Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest “A zoologist who observed gorillas in their native habitat was amazed by the uniformity of their life and their vast idleness. Hours and hours without doing anything. Was boredom unknown to them? This is indeed a question raised by a human, a busy ape. Far from fleeing monotony, animals crave it, and what they most dread is to see it end. For it ends, only to be replaced by fear, the cause of all activity. Inaction is divine; yet it is against inaction that man has rebelled. Man alone, in nature, is incapable of enduring monotony, man alone wants something to happen at all costs—something, anything.... Thereby he shows himself unworthy of his ancestor: the need for novelty is the characteristic of an alienated gorilla.” - Emil Cioran “A phenomenon that a number of people have noted while in deep depression is the sense of being accompanied by a second self — a wraithlike observer who, not sharing the dementia of his double, is able to watch with dispassionate curiosity as his companion struggles against the oncoming disaster, or decides to embrace it. There is a theatrical quality about all this, and during the next several days, as I went about stolidly preparing for extinction, I couldn't shake off a sense of melodrama — a melodrama in which I, the victim-to-be of self-murder, was both the solitary actor and lone member of the audience.” - William Styron, Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness “In the recumbence of depression, your information-gathering system collates its intelligence and reports to you these facts: (1) there is nothing to do; (2) there is nowhere to go; (3) there is nothing to be; (4) there is no one to know. Without meaning-charged emotions keeping your brain on the straight and narrow, you would lose your balance and fall into an abyss of lucidity. And for a conscious being, lucidity is a cocktail without ingredients, a crystal clear concoction that will leave you hung over with reality. In perfect knowledge there is only perfect nothingness, which is perfectly painful if what you want is meaning in your life.” - Thomas Ligotti “A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.” - Ludwig Wittgenstein “Or you may be such a thunderingly exalted creature as to be altogether deaf and blind to anything but heavenly sights and sounds. Then the earth for you is only a standing place- whether to be like this is your loss or your gain I won't pretend to say.” -Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness “...In another time, what cannot be seen will define us, and we shall be prompted To say that language is error, and all things are wronged By representation. The self, we shall say, can never be Seen with a disguise, and never be seen without one.” -Mark Strand, The Story of Our Lives: with The Monument and The Late Hour