RainyCoast

mum...momma...i'm going to give it another shot...i'm going to keep giving things another shot....i promise. i woke up with that feeling of dread and worthlessness again...and then i had all these flashbacks...not the hardcore ones but you, critical and impatient...i'm sorry, i know you wouldn't want that, but it just intrudes at times. i know what it means and how to handle it so it's not scary, okay? so i'm going to work on that again. it wasn't overwhelming and it didn't last long and maybe it actually helped in a way as it had me decide i'm putting all my forces into doing better...i didn't decide that so that you would be happy with me, i know you don't want that. i was just fed up with myself. and the fact that i could be doing SO much more, so much better, with better results. there's always a period of wallowing and self-loathing with me...and then a sudden spiteful surge of "enough!". if you could...but only if it's possible, please don't be too bothered with it, rest and enjoy now, i can handle things okay...but if it isn't difficult, if you could send a bit of empowerment my way so that i don't lose my momentum now that would be so appreciated. i'm going to work on my end, starting with lots of faith and not allowing any kind of sabotage. how does that sound? i so wish i could pack my bag and come see you for the holidays. i had that inner talk with you again, and caught myself daydreaming about packing and going home for the holidays. home. mum. holidays. but this kind of missing....missing that which i was with you, or regretting that which i was with you...it seems a selfish way to grieve and miss. i would rather it were limited to missing you the way you were, the way you directed the life flowing through you and your reasons for that...because that is what leaves me at awe with you...i get stuck on the fact that i need to be able to make sense of something to accept it and if the "sense", the reason, the lesson is that i have the power to help how things turn out for me and others because i have seen just how much of a difference that makes...if that is the "sense" it makes it harder to accept things because i feel like i had failed miserably at that in the past year. i want to make it better and i know how, and i'm just so afraid of anne and mb. i dreamt about anne. that she asked how i was and instead of the usual pretending i just said with a defeated expression i was unwell. i felt an owerwhelming sadness as i said it, i felt the sadness so fully as it is rarely felt in a dream, like the time i cried in the dream that was completely black, with no imagery, just the full experience of missing you. she said nothing in response other than "well. isn't that better than the perpetual oh i'm great thanks when everyone clearly knows you aren't?". and that is really all it would take for me. to be able to say it without her trying to stunt me, enclose me in my smallness so that i am the "case" she proves herself on...funny i have had no problem grasping, accepting and practicing containment whereby one gives the contained contents back in a form more acceptable to the distressed party, but i have apparently neglected containment in and of itself. "i am unwell". "okay". lol. there's something to it. to not alter it, to not insist it be metabolized, reshaped, or even put to use. "you are unwell". reminds me of the "plop" Rogers joke: client: i feel terrible. rogers: you feel terrible. client: i really feel terrible. rogers: you really feel terrible. client: for two cents i'd jump out that window. rogers: for two cents you'd jump out that window. client: (getting up and going to the window) here i go! rogers: (getting up and going to the window) there you go! another line was apparently added later. the client hits the ground with a plop sound. rogers: plop. ...i forgot where i was going with this mum. definitely not out the window lol. in reality, there seems to happen a shift at the moment "you really feel terrible" is stated as a fact, just the doing away with the repression to allow for the free flow of energy that one can direct to a constructive cause, provided they haven't lost the cause and can only "direct" themselves onto a concrete floor. the fact that i don't want to do that i guess proves i haven't let the cause die. i shoud start the journal thing, shouldn't i. and the to-do list of challenges. oh, and tell me cleaning obsessively isn't getting my life in order. ugh. i feel better already tbh. thank you for containing this. and not trying to fix me. it makes it a lot easier to go about fixing myself somehow. maybe that's what i offered myself in the anne dream and that's why i had the "enough!" moment upon waking. i've completely stopped the emotional eating thing, it wasn't even difficult. it's been a month or so now and i don't feel like i need to stifle anything with cookies at all. it's such a relief. sometimes i need to remind myself to be patient when i'm tackling something. takes weeks to notice improvement. i've reminded myself of the purity thing. i've been neglecting that. and by extension, the liberating and healing possibility of surprising people with doing the opposite of what they fear most. like i had anne do in the dream. i can always do that, no matter how poor of a shape i'm in. thank you mum. for everything. i don't have "so much pain". i have "so much to draw from".

Everything i'm doing today, my imagination places back into the time and place i feel i most let you down. And it's accompanied by an inner commentary, recreated dialogue, words and actions which in retrospect seem mmore fitting. As if i'm giving myself a second chance of doing them right this time, to neutralize the endless guilt and self-criticism. I don't know whether that's bad because it shows how tyrannized by an ideal self i am, how conditioned by your expectations and mine... Or whether it's good as a form of rescription. Let's say i won't make an evaluative judgement of it now...i know i need a healthier interaction with you, even if it's just an inner one. Also because how you and i related is how i relate to myself...and you'd agree it has to stop. I also am rolling with the process because while i can't go back in time to redeem myself, i can choose how i handle the same things this time around. True, i'm starting small...but we've been patient with me when i was doing way worse.... It's nice talking to you...with the relationship more candid,and without fear. At least...in my mind.....we can do it....without hurting each other.

You create yourself in ever-changing shapes that rise from the stuff of our days— unsung, unmourned, undescribed, like a forest we never knew.You are the deep innerness of all things, the last word that can never be spoken. To each of us you reveal yourself differently: to the ship as coastline, to the shore as a ship. — Rainer Maria Rilke, “The Book of Pilgrimage, II, 22″

It is a very funny thing that the sleepier you are, the longer you take about getting to bed. — C.S. Lewis

adenovirus complications. duck this sheet.

my dog has gotten really good at catching his own tail. i've been telling him to "get it! get it boy!" for years.

[video=youtube;W9iQ0pcSVIM] ]

the portsmouth sinfonia- they switched instruments, it's hillarious. that trumpeteer. is a fighter lol.

oh damn that's cute!

lmao

The familiar has taken leave with all I know And what is left is mostly echo fading, Never to return. What takes shape then Is virtual and is a world apart Assembled half by memory, half by art. Richard O. Moore, from “The Familiar Has Taken Leave,” Particulars of Place (Omnidawn, 2015)

it is so depressing here. a thick low fog pressing down, a low sky, you feel like a very tall person having to hunch when entering a low ceilinged house. damp and a weird shade. yuck. at least it's not too cold.

really, it'll just spell "inson" haha. on a more serious note, i doubt there's offspring, she was exceptionally secluded and introverted. but she did have male and female friendships that still raise questions. i heard a last name the other day that sounded a lot like Flipflop. Hope that lady never walks on rocky or snowy terrain.

mum. dad. i'm scared about tomorrow. i wonder sometimes whether either of you have some kind of ultimate answer for it now, that's all. i miss you. it affects things. it's no longer about who did what wrong. just a shift to acknowledging that we've really been deprived of something essential. it's depressing. i know it's the stepping stone to making up for that deprivation. just. wish it were a quicker, smoother passage. maybe it has to do with the fact i still suppress so much of the depressive response. but if i didn't i'm afraid i'd just spiral down. and it's like the reasons for trying keep fading, although i know they're not but it feels that way. it's just hard to muster up the will without a reason magnificent enough to justify the bother. i'm sick and feverish and i wish i could sleep for a long time but i keep waking up lately. jo was a B and i've not felt anger about it, or much anything more than a "whatever". so that's an improvement. i dunno. i'm ashamed at how pathetic and infantile this is but i wish i could curl up next to you. i mean both of you. guess you're not incorporated in derrida's crypt anymore then, dad? you two be good now.

chris kiddo! just a quick hi and i love you munchkin!

for the umpteenth time. there is no need to censor the poet's name. i mean emily penisinson. i get the censoring tool is automatic but it is getting annoying.

aww thanks for thinking of me! i only have a few more months with my (tiny) tub before i move to a smaller appartment too so i am making full use of it while i still can. ironically, i only recently discovered the joy of bathing. i wanted to watch the simpsons episode with trump and bummer, it's nowhere to be found. there's a scene where he's given a hairy doggy to put on his head as a wig and he adjusts it so the classic donald fringe goes to the front..hillarious.

hey sara luv. thought i'd let you know i bought bath supplies and make up. i will be healing the cranky away in the most materialistic way possible this weekend lol. i hope you're feeling okay

i think downplaying it has also been my way of conditioning people to not take me seriously. my late mother used to say i might benefit from putting on the theartics because ppl presumably don't take you seriously if you're not making a scene according to her. it just didn't seem dignified to me. and i needed a decade to start accepting this is my new normal so i didn't want to make things harder for myself by complaining. i must be an art, portaying something dramatic that is happening to you, in a not distastfully dramatic way. ogh!!! if i had a tumor i'd probably scream at whoever didn't get it to go shove a tennis ball in their brain and then come back to talk to me! and the concept that things doen't have to be solid and huge to hurt, why is it so difficult to understand. yes, it's like we become both softer and terser? i don't bother with certain kinds of patience anymore, and some days i sound less kind that i'd like to. but mostly, i've told myself it starts with me. the right attitude, awareness, understanding. i saw too many people damaged by lack of it. even if all i can do is speak for someone else and validate their experience, that's something too. i'm gonna say we must be bearing it well to have so many people convinced we could pull of a wild night

yes, i genuinelly feel a lot of them want to offer something, and they automatically offer what works for them. but i don't get how after being explained why and how it doesn't work for some people they can't mentalize the other's condition. i've offered to meet people for shorter things, brunches, coffee and croissants, shorter outings, less loud, i could do those frequently so noone would feel rejected. i have even specified i want to be in touch and am suggesting things that are doable for me.. and some still insist on things that last hours or are late night, or are on days/nights i've said i'm working. i don't complain to my friends and acqaintances, maybe that's why they assume it's not that bad and i could actually party if they just persuaded me. yeah, the power of makeup escapes them. i can fake the healthiest complexion lol. omg the comments. i understand, with aspergers, but ouch. i'm glad though there are others who get it. i keep telling myself many people have it worse, and keeping in mind so many people are strong in the face of setbacks really helps me. you've been so inspiring too. people who know it or have known it first hand are priceless. i see it with our clients. a coworker complained a severly ill client was being irresponsible for not doing his own groceries and us having to help him. my pulse went up as i said through my teeth that he literally can't do it. i see clients loosen up, their muscles go soft and their voices relax when they're advocated for and understood. the pressure we put on one another...

lol i'm on my computer. i'm too annoyed to fumble with the phone right now (though i did find the comma ). omg you get that too? they don't find the tumor argument solid??!! dafk. everyone assuming you're not being serious when you decline invitations to loud, bright, late night or several-hours-long events? honestly, how many times do we have to say it's painful and exhausting and we have to deal with the aftermath for days after, and it's a miracle we're working and taking care of ourselves. i need sleep. i need time to do my laundry, dishes, floors, iron my stuff, study for exams, work extra shifts to pay off an inherited debt, and i work with physically and mentally ill people. i have tried explaining that i can only do this if i am careful with my lifestyle and rest and that this is my limit. i cannot do a thing more than what i do. i crash epically when i try. and that's just me. people have all kinds of ilness and burdens and responsibilities they're trying to cope with. when they tell you something is exhausting or unpleasant for them, don't force it on them. how hard is the concept to grasp. i won't be surprised if i hear someone convincing a legless person it'd be fun to climb a himalayan peak.

and it's late at night, the night before i TOLD them i'm taking Ephraim to the psych in the am, working in the pm and going straight to nightshift from there. so no, i can't fecking party. and stop trying to force chronically ill people with sever pains to do partying. we can't give a spoon for your "good times". just get it hammered into your heads once and for all. we can't. it's not fun for us. if you can't undertand that, sod off.

okay this is the third time since last night i got asked (and second time by the same person) to go a party i SPECIFICALLY said i didn't want to go to. i don't even go to parties. like ever. i hate parties. they give me flare ups and sensory overload and i have resting and working prioritized. i'm not even going to bother responding any more. honestly. when i tell you i'm sick and inflamed and barely coping with my shifts and desperately need rest i effing mean it. sometimes i hope these people get all my workload and all my diagnoses. NO. I CAN'T. NO, IT WON'T MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. NO, IT DOES NOT FEEL GOOD. NO, I AM NOT DEPRIVING MYSELF OF "LIVING". NO IT DOES NOT FEEL FUN TO ME. ALSO, EFF YOU. SHUT UP. YOU KNOW SHYTE. WHY ARE YOU STILL TEXTING ME. DON'T YOU HAVE A DRINKING SCREAMING PARTY TO ATTEND?

i'm so disgusted and angry with so many things today. and i haven't slept and need to be at work in 4 hours. please may i fall asleep and wake up determined to not be discouraged by any of this crap. rawr. no fear kind a thing. i'm getting so sick of worrying, i think i just might renounce the habit for that banal reason alone. ugh. UGH.