Scout

Hi, Choco...I too am very sorry about your loss. ((HUGS))

If it's any comfort, might the doctor be very prepared this time to head off any similar complications, or deal with them should they arise?

Also, I would think that you've had a good window of time to recover physically. Of course, emotionally you will always carry some of that pain with you. It will be natural for you to worry throughout this pregnancy, of course, but it will help if you try to take things one day at a time as much as possible.

What does the phrase or characteristic mean "know what they want" mean to you?

Whenever I saw that line in ads, I always assumed that the last person that poster dated had dumped them with the line, "I guess I just don't really know what I want."

They actually took that line literally.

So, to greatly simplify it, I think what they unconsciously mean by that line is, "I want someone who wants me and won't dump me."

What about the first day you decided to be a couple?

I'm not seeing an insult, exactly, but I'm seeing an observation that is not necessarily in your favor. It seems to me what she is saying is that she is unsure she makes you happier than anyone else has. Maybe this is an insecurity she has that you two should talk about to see if something deeper is going on.

I agree with Dako, that comment would bug me a bit, too.

Well, not everybody is beautiful, a wowee, or a hottie. If you're cute, doesn't that make you happy enough, considering the far worse hands you could have been dealt? You say you're only slightly chubby, too...that means a good nutrition and exercise regime would get you in shape fairly quickly. What if you were obese? It would take a long time to get in shape, and your health would be in bad shape, too.

I'd say count your numerous blessings, and also, focus on what's on the inside more.

We remained friends the past couple months, trying to get past everything, but this month we started fighting a lot. There was a lot of bitterness involved from the past. We never actually got to the point of a "relationship" again.

 

A week ago, she sat me down, and told me we don't have what it takes to get past everything. Our fights were getting too bad for her to handle. I was very torn up.

If during this time period you and your ex were still being physically intimate with each other, then yes, I say you owe coming clean to her about this if you want to at least attempt to start a reconcilation off with a clean slate.

But the likely reality is she will probably hold it over your head forever if you tell her, and if you don't, the guilt will eat you up constantly. So you've got these new additional pressures plus the accumulated drama from everything that happened with you two before.

I hate to say this, but the odds aren't really with a successful reconcilation here. You could always give it a shot, though.

here, so far, I have to say I'm leaning towards hazey amber's advice. There does seem to be a distinct imbalance in several aspects of your relationship, and to be honest, you describe her almost like a shrink would describe one of their patients!

It's not your job in a relationship to be someone's savior, you know. Now, I realize this might not come accross the way I mean it to, and it probably sounds kind of heartless. I honestly don't have that intention. But if you find yourself feeling aggravated and impatient with her more and more frequently, and feel, well, somewhat superior/beyond/on a different plane than her in several ways, the basic foundation of mutual respect is missing from this relationship.

In my opinion, you could take passion away from a relationship and it could still last and you could still be happy. But if you take respect out of the equation, the relationship is bound to derail at some point.

If you knew all of this why propose? You ask her to marry you and now you think about all of these things? These are issues that should have been on your mind before you asked her to be committed to you.

In a perfect world, we would all hold off on proposing/accepting proposals, until we're 100% we are with the right person.

But, we're not in a perfect world, and personally, I believe the very idea of marriage can make us start second-guessing, once it sinks in with us that we're definitely headed down that path. It's a big prospect. Better to ask these questions when you have them, then try to pretend they aren't there. At least then, you can deal with them one way or another.

I love my boyfriend to pieces, but I have concerns about us marrying one day, too. That doesn't mean we won't, nor does it mean we're not suitable for each other. It just means we have some things to figure out, and hopefully together as a team.

A lot of guessing and assuming goes on when people respond to posts with the intention of saying either "stay" or "leave".

I agree those assumptions can be made too quickly, but at the same time, those opinions can change as people learn more details about your situation.

And not everyone, myself included, gave you a stay or leave answer. I had asked a couple of questions in my first post which you didn't answer, either.

If you are sensitive to certain implications or opinions you've seen here so far, then yes, it might not be a helpful forum for you as you will definitely get people's true opinions and feedback here (albeit it must be given respectfully) and that calls for a certain degree of, not exactly a thick skin, but some open-mindedness.

Hi, and welcome to eNotalone.

Gosh, you know what my first take on your situation is? Your inmate sounds better than Bob! What a meanie.

Seriously, I don't think you've ever given yourself a chance at a healthy relationship. For some reason, you have picked men who are unavailable in some way or other...either geographically, emotionally, or legally...or a combination.

What seems to be holding you back? What is it about being really loved by someone who is good for you and your children that scares you?

I want to be able to accept him for who he is, because I love him, but these things bother me SO MUCH and I can't seem to ignore how I feel. I want to be able to stay with him but be happy with my relationship too.

Hi, I understand your situation, although it's slightly reversed for me in one way. I'm a vegetarian, too, but - I was also a smoker. My boyfriend is an ominivore - and he is an ex-smoker.

Like you, I'm primairly a vegetarian for ethical reasons, although the health benefits are terrific if you eat the right foods. I just have a soft spot for animals, and always have. And there are so many problems with factory farming in addition to the sad treatment of animals, such as serious environmental damage. You could also better feed the world's hungry by using the countless acres currently feeding cattle for the growth of grain crops for human consumption instead.

Knowing all this, my boyfriend agrees vegetarianism has many merits and is actually in line with his philosophy and personal values. However, he has not been able to make a full transition. I would like him, too, but I also appreciate that he has cut back drastically since we got together. I cook for us every night, and if I say so myself, I dish up some pretty tasty meals - and he says he eats better now than he did in his bachelor days. So, when we're together, he's basically a vegetarian. When he's at work, I have no idea what he eats for lunch, and I don't usually ask. One thing I've considered is taking him to more films, social, and speaker events centered on vegetarianism to help educate him a bit more than I can do. He seems open to that, and it will be ways we can spend time together, too.

But I won't ever give him an ultimatum if it comes down to it. That's because I have reached that needed level of acceptance, and plus, I realize when you pressure people about something...it makes them resist. That's just the way it is.

And with that in mind, this is probably why he's never nagged at me to quit smoking. UNLIKE my mother, who nags about it to the point it made me want to smoke three cigarettes at once. I do NOT appreciate someone telling me what to do, as I'm an adult and can make my own decisions. They can give me information in a non-confrontational way, and I'm definitely open to that. But nagging, ultimatums, and - as one poster suggested you do - stooping to sexual blackmail to get someone to stop smoking? I say you'll just both be miserable at that point in the relationship, so why stay in it?

Long story short, you'll have to decide for yourself what your dealbreakers are. If you really can't accept certain things, it doesn't make you a bad person, it just means that living with those things will make you miserable, and your boyfriend, too, because you'll constantly be complaining about them. Again, what is the point of this kind of relationship...

Is it possible you two could scale back your lives a little bit so you could have more time for each other? To get some of these things done? I don't understand what you are on such a hamsterwheel for. Three bands in addition to a full-time job sounds a bit over the top. I can tell you that if neither of you can sacrifice a bit of your time for each other, there's definitely no point in considering marriage. It's just not going to work.

We were dating only a month. He kept saying how much he loved me everyday. I just don't understand how he can say how much he loved me and then all of sudden he decided he doesn't love me anymore. We never had fights or anything like that. He said something about my kissing, and that there were no other woman. What a jerk!

Ugh. If that's the case, he sounds like an utter tool.

You're not a psycho. He's a tool and a coward, and he knows it, so to make himself feel better, he called you a name.

And with that in mind, I plead with you not to have another single thing to do with this guy. He obviously is a jerk, and if he comes calling around again eventually, do yourself a huge favor and hang up.

Do you two have a history of arguments, or volatile behavior in some form? Maybe he was referring to that. Also, how long did you two date?

I guess I'd need more details about what actually transpired before I could give you a definitive opinion if you went psycho or not.

Well, you can't really go anywhere in the music industry without at least a half-stack. She opposes me having anything else besides my current guitar and a 100watt amp; nevermind getting a small drumset and bass + small amp for recording. My output of my soundcard is broken so I can't really make any recordings on the computer anymore. I'm going nowhere fast. That's only the tip of the iceburg though.

Hi, CG...my boyfriend is a musician, and so I just asked him some questions about your situation. Here were a few suggestions he thought might or might not be of help to you:

Inquire with local music stores about layaway options for music gear. (I realize you don't have a job right now, but once you do, this is an option.) You can put as much money into it as you want; eventually you'll be able purchase the piece of equipment you have your eye on.

You could also put a sound card on layaway.

Also, he recommended a specific amp to shoot for to use in recording (though not nearly the sound loudness you're going for to gig out), there's also an amp called the Epiphone Valve Junior (something like that) that is a very good sounding, but low cost tube amp.

None of these are instant solutions, but food for thought once you get some bucks together. Music obviously means a lot to you, and I think because your current equipment isn't everything you need right now, you're feeling a real lack. It's hard for some people to understand, but to musicians, playing music is like eating to the rest of us!

My boyfriend also told me to tell you not to give up. Even if you never become famous, you'll certainly meet other music kindred spirits to form a good band with eventually, and it is incredibly rewarding. Because you are feeding your creative outlet. And hey, you may actually become famous, you never know! (Don't forget your eNotalone friends when you do, ok?

In all this time, no one - not one single person - has ever called the police on this man? Not a family member, a friend, a neighbor - no one?

It doesn't matter why they are blindsided, fact is that most are.

Well, what I meant is that most of them really aren't. In my opinion.

How exciting, TFK! A pretty awesome sounding first vacation, I have to say. London and Iceland - wow!

I'm very mathematical and quite a perfectionist in everything I do, which is terrible for relationships and making moves. I always decide that if I make a move, it has to be perfect, and if it can't be perfect then I don't do it.

Actually, that sounds more like procrastination than perfectionism, and it's usually based on fear of failure. So, we talk ourselves into all the reasons not to do something. I should know, because I'm a procrastinator, lol.

lol...well it looks like all the women are in agreement here that my quote is a terrible idea lol.

Not the spirit behind it, though! Just make the messaging a wee bit gentler.

Also in my experience, the dumper has usually given themselves some time to prepare for he break up whereas the dumpee is often blindsided.

Hmmm...I personally think a lot of dumpees are blindsided because they close their eyes to the signs that have long been apparent.

Anyone I've ever broken up with...and there haven't been that many...I lost the feelings for gradually. I do not have the capacity to turn feelings on and off. My feelings are dictated by how others and certain circumstances make me feel.

"Listen, I'm really not interested in hearing about these other guys because I'm interested in you. I don't want to lie to you by just pretending to be a friend of yours either because I'm sure you want people to be more honest with you than that. So if you'd like to talk or get together sometime outside of the 'friends' context, let me know." Then see what she says.

Hmmm...the only thing about starting off like that - the first sentence, that is - is it kind of comes accross as impatient and irritated...as if he's explained all this to her before. I don't think that's the case, and if it isn't, I wouldn't reveal my feelings in a way that seems to blame her for not noticing them before. It's presumptious, for one thing, and also kind of grumpy-sounding.

Love your suggestion Scout.

 

You could even add a "How about it?" in some form at the end to minimise any chance of misinterpretation.

 

Even better!

If you want to reply as a man, then you're going to have to get over your fear of rejection, or, if not get over it exactly - then at least know you can deal with it if it happens.

I've looked back over your past threads, and man, you are paralyzed with fear to take any action here. But honestly, what is the worst that could happen if she blew you off? Is your ego so fragile that it would go up in a puff of smoke? Of course it wouldn't! And if you worry it would ruin the friendship, well, you don't think of her as just a friend, anyway, so this whole thing is a charade.

With this in mind, why not write back: "All that is nonsense. I'd date you in a minute."