Scout

I work with a local dog rescue group, and the director is also a trainer. She uses ONLY positive reinforcement methods. As you can see, when you use harsh treatment instead, it manifests aggressive, fearful behavior.

I basically just wanted to see if anyone else out there has a SO that disciplines this way.

Why? Because if we answered we had, that would make it ok, then? Hon, you have to trust your instincts on this. And I believe when you started this post, your instincts were right on. Compare your last two posts with your first. It's like you're alarmed to learn that yes, many posters think he is abusing your dog, so now you're trying to minimize what he did. He pulled the collar while the poor little dog was sick to it's stomach. He is hitting the dog hard enough to make it yelp out in pain. Your dog is relegated to a lonely basement now. Your dog is acting out aggressively now, something he never did before.

If we all answered our SO did the same, would it justify what is happening to your little Riley?

I hope everyone isn't getting me wrong here. He doesn't kick him or punch him upside the head or anything like that. That's a big difference and I would have already probably kicked the bf's *ss for it.

Why are you now making excuses for what he's doing? In your post, you questioned yourself if your dog was being abused; based on what you described, yes, he is. I pray to God you won't wait until it escalates to kicks and punches. Slaps, choking, and emotional cruelty are already quite sufficient in the abuse department.

Who knows what he does to the poor dog when you're not around. I'm telling you, your dog is demonstrating some serious signs that something is wrong.

-shakes head-

Dogs know.

Agreed, fnlyfrei. This isn't a matter of someone not understanding how to treat animals. A person with an IQ of 40 would know you don't pick up a vomiting dog by it's collar, choking it, and then tossing it outside. This is cruelty, plain and simple, and so is the banishing to the basement, the hitting, all of it.

I mean, the first time I saw someone mistreating my pets would be the last time they'd ever do it. I would have nothing to do with them again.

itsallgrand, if she caught him hitting a child when he didn't think she was around to see it, and if he grabbed that vomiting child by the neck and threw it outside, would you cite her for the child's lack of discipline, calling that a form of abuse, too?

Scout,

 

I agree with you that his behavior is totally unacceptable. 100%.

 

However, knowing more than a few folks who are anything but evil who have had not a clue in how to treat animals - taking their resentments out on creatures without even realizing it or lacking knowledge - I am hesitant to cast the bf in a monster role.

 

I agree that it is deeper. That's the problem.

Yes, this guy may not have a clue but the dog shouldn't have to pay for it. He's already raised one aggressive, snapping dog, and it looks like Riley is headed in that direction if he doesn't get away from this house.

I'd suggest the anger management, but then leave anyway and tell him he can call me when it's cured.

The things you described scares me. If he continues this, then you and/or your Beagle need to leave.

It scares me, too, and I wouldn't wait for a next time before I got that little dog out of there. As it is, your boyfriend now has two punching bags - and both are being kept in the basement!

itsallgrand, I normally agree with your advice, however, this beagle is a living, breathing being, not "practice" for when they have kids.

Yes, the pooch needs training, but even so, there is something deeper going on here. The guy is hitting her dog when she's not around, choking it by its collar when the poor thing is already vomiting, for God's sake, and putting it in a cold dark basement to sleep, while his own growling dog gets full reign of upstairs!

I think she's seen all she needs to of this man's "parenting" skills - he's a textbook Wicked Stepfather!

This poor little dog is clearly being traumatized and having the absolute wits scared out of him.

You're probably being overprotective and a drama queen? Are you serious?

Hell, yes, he's abusing your dog!

I'm sorry, but I almost burst into tears reading your thread. Please, I beg you...if you won't leave this man, at least find a loving and safe home for that defenseless little beagle.

I understand exactly how you feel. Either way is gonna make you feel like crap.

I agree with Q-ball, too. Except the "girls are annoying" part.

All I know is I wouldn't say no to a day in a spa

 

I wouldn't either! But if you wanna know the truth, I am more suggesting to hold off on the spa idea just in case her interest isn't as strong as his at this point. It may be crass to say, but that's a lot of money to spend on someone that you don't know where things are going, and it seems logical to assume after only two weeks this could be the case.

 

Not to be a bucket of cold water on the parade. Perhaps she's gaga over him.

80 lbs? I bow down to your strength of will and this amazing accomplishment!

You could also take her and her son out for the day to do something special, or at least to a movie or something.

Hmmm....I think that's a pretty extravagant gift after just two weeks of dating. Some people might be uncomfortable with that. At this juncture, I'd honestly just go with the roses. It may be cliche, but she has already told you they're her favorite flowers, so you know she'd like them. I am sure she would like a visit at a day spa, too, but she might feel a little taken aback at such a lavish gift given at such an early juncture. Unless things have gotten pretty intense very fast for you two.

Then exercise in the evenings, it is! Also, drink lots of water during the day, take vitamins, and eat high-water content food. Work out when you get home, then you can have a nice meal.

Exercise in the morning. Experts definitely recommend this as the best time. I used to get up very early to get my workouts out of the way, because it was the last thing I felt like doing after I got off work.

Hmmm...it seems you two have avoided putting a title on your relationship because you're afraid the title will then result in all the problems your past relationships had.

But it's not making any difference because you're still having those problems, anyway.

Which indicates you two probably just don't mesh well. Sounds too volatile, and not a good mix. Sometimes, we have to accept that we can be wildly attracted to someone, but at the end of the day, we're just oil and water.

Of course, some people like the challenge of a roller-coaster, volatile relationship, and can even get addicted to the thrills of when it goes good. That makes them ride out all the depressing., miserable times.

I guess if you just had yourself to think about, I'd say nothing we can advise will make much difference, you're just gonna have to ride this out until you get sick of it. However, I am concerned that this might not be good for your child. Who I bet has witnessed you being sad about all this.

Friend, I wish I could answer your question. Unfortunately, if I was in your shoes, I'd be asking myself the same thing!

Makes no sense.

I think Hubman is giving you some excellent advice. Tell him no, and see if he persists in this. His reaction will give you a good indication if he's with you for you, or to primarily fulfill his sex drive and fantasies.

the part of me that doesn't is because i feel someones feelings will get hurt.

I am almost positive that YOUR feelings will definitely get hurt. Remember how upset you were when another boyfriend asked one of your friend's to show him her thong? (re-read some of your past threads). You were devastated. How do you think you'll feel when your boyfriend gets physically aroused by another woman right in front of you? If you think because he won't be joining in, that it will be more about his attraction to you, you're wrong. Otherwise, he would not even be asking for someone else in the mix.

How long have you two actually been dating? I think I was off a bit when I said barely a month, it's been longer, right?

Also, can you please clarify...did he actually ask you to have a threesome with someone, or did he just say he fantasizes about it?

Well, fantasies aren't wrong, and it's actually good when people can share their fantasies with their partners. However, there are two things in your situation that are markedly different from this: a) he actually wants you to do it, and b) you just started dating. Sex is already at the forefront of your relationship and you barely know each other.

I worry about you, hon. I really do. It seems you'll make excuses for people's disrespect towards you, and thus, continue to say with such people. I fervently hope the day comes soon when you realize you deserve more.

ok, i understand what all of you are saying. but my question was really can a guy love that person and want to have three-some with her?

Ok, you are fixated on this question as if there are all-purpose rules that apply to all guys. There aren't. This request of his is just another indication that he is more interested in a sexual relationship with you than anything else.

I don't think he loves you at all, as a matter of fact, but let's say he did. Don't you have other standards besides being loved? Someone can love you yet be totally inappropriate for you. You have felt uncomfortable many times with this guy already, would the fact that he "loves" you in some sort of fashion be enough to over-ride that?