Scout

Well, what a sad ending to an otherwise happy relationship. Too bad you let your families' influence things.

How did you two manage to withstand pressure for six years, then one day just decide to throw in the towel? Something seems off here. Are you sure there were no other reasons? It seems after six years your families would have been resigned to you two being together. I don't understand this.

Why did you two break up? What was your relationship generally like before you did? Be as honest as you possibly can with that last question. Sometimes in retrospect, things can seem better or worse than they actually were.

In all fairness, there are people of all ages and both genders who act inappropriately at work or outside of it at social work get-togethers.

Sorry, I feel I have to point this out in case any "older" people are reading this thread and thinking, hey! Wait a minute here...

The big obstacle here is that you over-drank that night. I don't doubt that you're telling the truth, but because you were drinking, there is too much of a gray area going on here, where the guy could indignantly refute your claims. So a formal complaint might not do much good. However - an INFORMAL talk with your boss about this is a reasonable first step. As long as you are honest about how much alcohol you had.

If I were you, I wouldn't pursue any kind of sexual harassment complaint because of the alcohol issue. Unfortunately, that wasn't professional behavior, either. But I would just tell your boss what happened and say, look, how should I handle a trip with this guy now? To be honest, I really don't feel comfortable doing it.

I think your boss will probably come up with a workable solution.

I think we should have some expectations, though. Otherwise, where do we put boundaries of what we won't tolerate in a relationship?

So yes, you are right, I do have contempt for him. And that was a hateful way of saying he's not a good communicator.

Well...I'm not saying he hasn't done some things that have eventually led to these feelings. I'm just suggesting if you don't respect him either...what's the point?

There are plenty of resources out on the net that talk about FSD. Its a complex medical issue. My hope was that there might be people here who have it, who might be able to share what the medical treatment was for their situation.

Well, hopefully someone who has it will spot your thread. Because it seems you are pretty convinced this is the issue, even though she hasn't even been to a doctor yet.

The problem, in a nutshell, is this: how much should one realistically expect from a partner in a relationship? I know the nice answer would to expect nothing, but realistically if one partner did nothing, I doubt the relationship would last long at all. On the other hand, excessive expectations inevitably lead to disappointment, conflict and breakup.

You're absolutely right! It's somewhere in the middle. You never expect a partner to be always perfect and to never let you down, because humans aren't infallible, and at times they will let you down. What you should always expect is a consistent effort to treat you with consideration, and your partner should expect likewise. In other words, exactly what you say here:

I regularly try to think of things to do to make the other person feel happy and loved in a relationship

Which leads me to your current girlfriend's comments...

she told me that in order to focus on work, she has to pretend I don't exist, and this is why she will never say (or feel) that she misses me, or offer any sort of positive feedback.

Ok, it seems you two operate in your relationships in a starkly different way. If someone said this to me, I would be extremely taken aback. Then I would think to myself, "Is this something I could handle in the future, because they are basically telling me this is what I can expect?" For me, the answer would be a decided no.

No two people will ever be exactly alike, but there's not much point in being in a relationship with someone who views it in a completely different way than I do. I won't get my needs met, and they won't get their's met.

On a final note, I have to say your girlfriend's comments are indicative of someone who does not have a realistic or healthy approach to relationships. I do not predict that she will find herself in something happy and good if she continues along this path. Unfortunately, that will have to be her decision, not yours.

However, you do have control over your own decisions. Starting with deciding if you want to stay in what appears to be an already unsatisfactory arrangement for you.

He sucks at communication and will end up leaving without gaining anything without my help.

Ok, I gotta point something out here, too. While I don't doubt that he criticizes you and disrespects you in certain ways, you appear to have some contempt for him, as well. This is a belittling comment about him, too. So this isn't just a one-way street.

It doesn't sound like either of you respect each other very much. I cannot imagine any relationship being fulfilling and happy if respect is not part of the basic foundation. So, yeah...it's probably best to cut this off once and for all.

Perhaps you are "addicted" to trying to fix things for people, to save them. Hard to say.

I have a friend who has been in a long-term relationship with someone who repeatedly dumps her, and also has a drug problem. But she seems to have decided he is her "project" although she won't admit it, and also yelled at me when I suggested it to her.

Well, what's the issue, then? Most people who don't like sex will avoid having it. I was curious about your reference to sexual fantasies. Why would not having these be an indication of a disorder, as long as you were still regularly having sex with your partner?

Is she not getting, er, wet? Or doesn't reach an orgasm? If it's the former, that may be something medical, maybe psychological. If it's the latter, you should know that studies show three out of four women can not reach orgasm through penetration, and very often, many women can only reach it through masturbation.

Are you still involved in any way, shape, or form with the other woman? And does your wife even know about her?

The issues I referenced have troubled my wife for years. She has infertility issues and PCOS which put her already at a disadvantage hormonally. We have talked about this and she is going to be talking to her doctor next week.

That's a positive, that she's willing to talk to a doctor. Also, have you two ever gone to marital counseling?

Her low libido isn't due to some medical condition, it's due to loss of interest! And no amount of romantic tricks or charm is gonna fix it because the problem is a lot more fundamental and has nothing to do with attraction.

 

She has no problem lying to you and sneaking around doing things behind your back and that's really bad. A bad sign that she's emotionally detached herself from you. At this point the relationship is essentially over and just going through the motions.

Whoa! That's a pretty final assessment. And while ajax's previous threads do indicate this could be a *possibility* there is a lot he knows and we don't about the marriage he has been in for 14 years.

Before we come to any conclusions, I think it's important we help ajax sort this out. He hasn't shared any further details yet about why he believes his wife is suffering from a sexual disorder, and there could very well be some evidence that backs this up.

My own initial thoughts were based on his other threads, but I hadn't reached any definite opinion. I need more information.

Other than saying yes to still going on dates with him and "let's take it slow," I wouldn't say much it, I'd just do it. Scout, you know I am not all for talking about things. IMO, it's way overrated. Communication need not all be verbal.

In this case, I absolutely agree with you. Actions and behaviors can speak just as strong a language, if not even more stronger sometimes, than words.

Dating someone who's in a process of divorce or recently divorced usually has no long term prospect.

It honestly doesn't. I've seen it countless times in real life and on eNotalone...in fact, I can't recall an incident where it did work out.

Well I'm wondering why he wanted to have sex in the first place, when I suggested we could step back and be friends? Is is just a guy thing?

No, I don't think it's a guy thing. Why were you willing to have sex with him even knowing that it didn't necessarily imply a relationship? I would venture to say because you were lonely and needed the reassurance and comfort that physical intimacy can temporarily bring. And I would venture even further to say that might be his reason, too.

Well, I think Beec gave you a suggestion just as you were posting your question, so you might not have seen it yet.

It seems Beec is saying that it's alright for you to give boundaries out of respect for yourself. Which I agree with.

I guess you could see what happens if you say "Let's just date casually, and hold off on the physical stuff because it seems to be moving things too fast."

BUT - I still have some serious reservations about pursuing anything romantic with the guy, because he seems to jump from relationship to relationship. If he was a bit wiser about this, he'd give himself a long stretch of time to be single and figure out what he really wants, get his head straight, etc.

What a sad memory! ((HUGS)). But you had no way of knowing that would happen, and at the time, you did the best you could to make the right decision for both of you.

If you tried to "fix" what happened with the last guy through this current guy, though...I still strongly feel the outcome would not be a happy one for you.

ajax, I do take your question seriously, but I went back over your other threads, and I'm wondering...are you sure your wife is suffering from this? Or could something else be going on? Because back in May, she was contacting her ex-boyfriend, and you noted some of the emails were flirty and hinted of sexual content.

How did that resolve itself? Is she still in contact with him? Because there could be another reason why your wife is withdrawing sexually.

Hi, ThatGirl...write down a list of everything he has ever done or said that made you feel disrespected, criticized, and unloved.

I bet the list will go on pretty long...and just writing it down will help reinforce your conviction that it's time to end this relationship for good. Every time you have a moment where you second-guess your decision, read over the list.

he's afraid he'll screw this up and just be a "user" due to where he is in his life.

And he is probably telling you the truth. So I give him credit for letting you know in advance that a real relationship will probably never develop.

You say you don't want something heavy, which I assume you mean nothing with a deep emotional connection. But I don't think you're being 100% honest with yourself about that. Otherwise, you wouldn't be worrying if he was into you or not.

I predict that if you pursue something like it sounds like you're ready to pursue...being his sexual and physical intimacy outlet...what you truly want and need will never come to fruition, and what's more, you'll end up deeply resenting him.

I second what deejay said, thank you Crvers for being there when I needed someone, too. I'm glad I could help you in any way, but it's a two-way street...you gave back just as much as you got, friend.

And I think it's awesome that you have such purpose and clarity now. That's something that emotional pain can cloud for a bit, but when it comes back, we're unstoppable!

Your friend, Scout

sheela, I feel any further effort on your part would be compromising your heart's belief that some of the things he has done are very much in conflict with your own morals.

It seems for a time you were steadfast, now that he has cut off contact, you're second-guessing yourself. That's a NORMAL feeling to have, but what would be, in my opinion, a terrible mistake, would be to act on these feelings.

I think you should believe in yourself a little bit more. Believe in your instincts, in that part of you that cried out to yourself before, that things in this relationship were just not right.

You would be surprised how, once you reconcile your beliefs with your actions, how much easier it is to move on from this guy.

That's the problem right now, I think you are having a hard time trusting your first inclinations. You're letting doubts creep in, and some of that might be because you are lonely right now, so you're trying to justify his actions in an effort to rekindle something so you won't be lonely.

But hon, love WILL knock on your door again, and if you're discriminating, it will be someone who does not raise such doubts in your mind.

As romantic as your idea probably sounds to you, true, healthy love is not supposed to be this anguished.

I wish you luck and belief in yourself. You were on the right track before, hon.