Scout

Yeah, I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I would prefer to meet someone in real life rather than online. My online dating experiences often felt like I'd just landed on the Island of the Misfit Toys.

From what I've seen there are lots of men that like younger women, but in my opinion, often these men have control issues, and want someone much younger who will look up to them, and let them be in the driver's seat. That's not always the case, and even if it is, not necessarily anything wrong with it I guess. Than you have your much older guys who go for the women 20 years or more younger than them - and I think those guys are basically pervs wanting a trophy on their arm.

I myself tend to date guys a little bit younger than me...I don't seek them out, but those are the ones that seem to be attracted to me more often than not, and I'm not sure why. I'm talking three to seven year differences sometimes. There does seem to be a bit of a difference in the younger guys - they're usually more lighthearted, affectionate, fun-loving, and not set in their ways and stubborn. Much more spontaneous. Of course, not always all that dependable.

It's great that he wants to work things out, and it's great that you recognize your share of the responsibility for why - or rather how - you two fight. As you two embark on the journey together towards a more rewarding relationship, you both would do well to abide by the maxim: Don't Give Up. Don't Give In. Just Give.

In many ways, my self esteem is pretty solid...but it's always been shaky with guys. It's not hard for me to get a guy interested, but I tend to flake out afterwards, and like you say, that chases them off sometimes...although they usually come back at first....than I do something to make them say saya nara for good. Sometimes that's for the best, really.

But I don't think that would be a good thing with this guy. I like him. He's either going to get back in touch with me or not, I think he will eventually, and than I'm just going to go with the flow and not worry if it turns into a "relationship" or not. The reason being because I actually think he's one of the smartest and most interesting people I've met in some time, and his company is very stimulating. If he doesn't call back, I'll be bummed for those reasons, but I'm going to keep a positive outlook. And keep busy with the things I need to be busy doing!

Shocked, thanks for the encouraging words - wish i'd thought all that stuff before I started to do "damage control" as TC so aptly put it.

TC, what you say is exactly what I go through, too. And I hate it! I don't know why I get so anxious, it's like I can't just sit back and enjoy everything.

Go to link removed. It's kind of like an Internet bulletin board, with many forums - singles ads, tickets, jobs, etc. It's based on cities, i.e., San Francisco, New York, Denver, Miami, etc. So if you live near a major metropolitan area you would click on that city, than it will take you to the boards for that city. It's free!

You and your ex (maybe soon to not be your ex) sound like really good people, who are maturely trying to work through things. There are going to be bumps in the road, but just stay with things the way you are. Sure, you're going to have vulnerable moments when your patience seems like its about to run out, but just ride it out.

Wow, you're seem like a young lady with a very good head on your shoulders. I predict a successful relationships future for you! Thanks for the wise words.

Hammett, you're my kind of guy!!!! Gilgamesh, I'm sorry if I misunderstood your first post. But I still disagree with your basic point here, which seems to indicate that people who are abused are masochists who don't want to get out of the cycle. I have to tell you, I had a boyfriend many years ago who turned into an abuser. He wasn't like that at first, and I was really in love with him, so when he started being abusive, I was in shock, made excuses, etc. Probably because I was so young, if someone was like that to me now, I would put them in the hospital. Anyway, by the time I stopped making excuses for him, and wanted to leave, I was terrified of this guy. He was bigger and stronger than me, and had threatened to kill me and than himself. His friends knew he was like that, none stepped in to help me. Finally, my family got wise to what was going on, came over with a truck to help me move out of the place we shared, and threatened him that if he ever bothered me again, they'd beat the out of him.

So, I speak from experience. I don't think you do.

To the original poster, no, you shouldn't try and physically intervene yourself if you are scared of this guy and think he might hurt you, but you should call an abuse hotline. I mean, we should all help each other best we can when we see someone who can't protect herself or himself from their abuser, who is often much stronger and more powerful than they are.

Macaw - you're right on. Guys, take note of her post. This is exactly what happens when you don't call when you say you're going to: a seed of doubt is planted that, if dealing with a somewhat overly analytical chick like myself, can screw up the dynamics of everything!

Because that's exactly what I'm going through right now. When we finally talked, I felt doubt that he was still interested, and when he mentioned something about us getting together - but not really giving a time when we would do so - I kind of hurried off the phone, just saying, well we'll hook up later this weekend and I know I was abrupt. He asked me if I was irritated or something, and of course I said, no - we'll just get together later. This was last night. I just joined a band, and had practice last night, so went to that, and worried the whole time about being abrupt to him on the phone. So, not content with just leaving things as they are, I had to call him back (he didn't pick up) and left him a message saying, hey, I got off the phone kind of quickly but didn't mean to, just thought maybe I'd put you on the spot or something about getting together, anyway, I do want to hang out with you sometime soon, etc..

EEKS. It has occurred to me that this guy who initially acted really enamored with me, is now totally in the driver's seat! The embarrassing thing is that I just met him a week ago! When we met, we proceeded to basically have a four day date...I was absolutely fascinated with him, he was really funny, interesting, charismatic, all that...I guess I got a little carried away. I tend to romanticize/idealize a guy when we really get along, and than at the first sign of him cooling off, I get really bummed out. I have tried and tried to stop this behavior, but can't seem to.

So, it will remain to be seen whether I hear back from, but even if I do, I will feel really sheepish about everything, and probably won't be myself, and it all started because he didn't call when he said he would. If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I want to come back in my next life as a totally suave, in the driver's seat kind of woman myself! Cause I sure ain't one in this life...

Gilgamesh - really disagree with your post. This is a woman here who could be in real danger, who cares what kind of guys she's attracted to? Are you saying she is attracted to getting beaten and that its her fault? You have no idea how the circle of abuse starts, it certainly doesn't start as soon as the guy introduces herself.

If you suspect she's being beaten, you should call a police abuse hotline. This isn't a romantic problem, this is a real person here that you suspect is getting physically abused.

It shouldn't scare him off. But wait for him to reply back before you contact him again, and when he does, don't schedule the "date" for the very next day...give it time for his anticipation to build up.

Forget her and move on. You said yourself no one in their right mind would or should stay with someone who isn't sure of their love. She's obviously not sure of anything, and when there are children involved, only healthy, stable adults need to be in the equation. Please do the right thing for yourself and your son.

If there were other guys in your life, you wouldn't feel so down about this. So I advise you to start dating again ASAP. This guy was trying to let you down easy...haven't you ever started to go out with someone, than realize that you weren't such a great match after all? And than of course, you're going to try and let them down easy. Don't take it personally, we all get rejected at least once, and some of us have been rejected a hellavu lot more than just once. You simply get back out there and start over with someone new.

One thing to warn you about - if you go out on a date and it sucks, your first reaction might be to think "no one is right for me but my ex - I'm calling him right now!" DON'T THINK OR DO THIS. It's a natural reaction. You'll be surprised to see how good it feels when you're on a fun date with a guy that gives you the ole butterflies in the stomach...you'll quickly get over any feelings of guilt then, trust me! Now, go out there and let the world know you're BACK. Go get 'em!

Absolutely yes to all your questions. And sometimes, it can be a combination of both - chemical and situational. That's where a combination of both therapy and meds can help.

Forgot to mention I finally called him last night, but got his voicemail, so just a left an upbeat, hey how are you type of message. Very brief, etc. He didn't call me back until just now - and I didn't pick up the phone. The message he left said he forgot to put his ringer back on after leaving work so didn't know I had called, and that he just went home to crash because he was exhausted from the last several days we've been together and needed to catch up on his sleep...don't ask people....

Anyway, it's kind of funny because I've used that lame excuse in the past myself: "forgot" my ringer was off...

Ok, I'm digging this guy, and if I'm gonna keep him interested, I'm going to have to show him that I'm not so gullible. So, I'm not going to call him back today. At all. Let's see how HE likes it. Silly games I know, but sometimes we gotta do what we gotta do.

Sounds like very common symptoms of depression. This could actually be a chemical imbalance thing that medication would correct, or at least help. Than again, could be situational problems - the important thing is to recognize, which you have, that you just don't feel "right". Why not make an appointment with a therapist to talk about this a bit more? He or she might be able to figure out if you need to take some medication for a little while to jumpstart you back to more positive, productive moods.

Yes, I did - several years ago, had a relationship with a guy for over a year...he was abusive, and I finally left him because of that. He proceeded to stalk me for two years. It was scary - he'd threaten suicide, and all kinds of stuff. I finally talked him into moving away to New York City, but that's another long story....

Princess, thanks for the extra post clarifying what you meant. We probably need a few more details from the original poster to figure out if this is fairly recent behavior - which would indicate situational reasons that would call for her to do a little extra work here - or if this is how he has always been. In which case, he needs to get it under control, and the only thing I can think of to help would be to go to marriage counseling.

A distinct difference in opinions on this...guys are saying one thing, the gals another! I agree with both - that I shouldn't stress, but at the same time, it's a pet peeve of mine too. He STILL hasn't called, so starting to wonder what the deal is...hope he's not going to end up blowing me off, we've been having a really good time together.

If he does call, I would like to get it straight from the get-go I'm not cool with stuff like that, but the delicate fine line here is how to do that so he knows not to pull things like that, yet at the same time not come accross as overly irritated...any other suggestions?

Dikaia, my friend! Didn't know you'd be on this forum...funny isn't it, finally over the ex, now I'm back in the fun world of dating - and already stressing about another guy, acK.

Hi - just started dating someone about a week ago. We REALLY hit it off, and have spent almost every day together since. He said he'd call me after work yesterday, but never did. I always get a feeling of dread the first time a guy does this - it seems so inconsiderate and a preview of things to come.

Guys, can you offer any insight into why some of you do this?? Also, and this question is for women too, when he calls should I bring it up? I want to subtly point out that I don't think its cool not to call when you say you're going to, on the other hand, I don't want to come accross as bossy either, so early on.

Actually, I think the problem is that you are together way too much. 24/7 would get on my nerves too, no matter how much I cared about a person. It sounds like you've maybe lost a little bit of personal identity by being in your house with your boyfriend all the time. Do yourself a favor and develop some interests and activities on your own that take you out of the house more - so that you can become interesting to yourself and your boyfriend again.

You are really being taken advantage of, my friend. How can you continue to live with someone who is sleeping with your ex??