Scout

Thanks for the advice. The only thing is that the last time we saw each other, I told him I would make him dinner this week. Because I'm a vegetarian and he expressed interest in what kind of food I eat. But you know what, you're right, we only hung out twice and I don't think I really need to give a long drawn out explanation. But I'm a chicken and don't want to have to say anything over the phone...would an email suffice? One that just says, hey, I'm not ready to date after all, etc. Geez, this sounds callous even as I'm writing it.

I think you should go with your gut instinct on this. If you say your "best" friend used to like your ex, than it's not too much of a leap of the imagination to guess why she might be interested in hanging out with him. On the other hand, you two broke up almost a year ago and you are with someone else now, so there's not really much you can do about this. Concentrate on your current relationship, and make some new best friends.

Well, Spatz, I haven't been on your thread before, but since the topic seems to be about getting back out there into the dating world, thought I'd use your thread as an update on my own situation, if you don't mind.

I too am dating again - I met two guys this week, and one of them I really think I could like! He's very, very funny - a really bright, well-traveled guy, and there's just something that clicks with us. He's also very attractive - don't laugh, but he has an uncanny resemblence to Leonardo DiCaprio!

The other guy...well, this is a problem. He's been very nice to me on our two dates, a real gentleman, but I'm not attracted to him. Part of it is physical - he's rather skinny, and that's sort of a turn-off for me - but I could probably overlook that if he had some real interesting qualities, and he just doesn't. He doesn't seem to have many interests, or friends. So conversations between us, while not awkward, aren't really very memorable.

The problem is that I think he's really interested in me, and I am not sure how to convey that I don't feel the same way without hurting his feelings.

Any suggestions? I really don't want to hurt his feelings/ego, he seems like a kind of lonely person who has been burned in the past (haven't we all!) Plus, I'm afraid I might have led him on a little...although I'm not sure why I feel this way. I was just very friendly on both our dates, which is my natural personality, especially when the other person isn't talking that much and I am trying to keep the conversation going.

Shocked, PLEASE keep re-reading Muneca's advice. It's about the best I've seen on this thread, and the gist of it is to keep these two mantras in your head: Stop thinking about this so much, and There is hope, she wants to try & she's in counseling.

Please - you are starting to waaaaay over analyze everything, and it will only cause you more stress the more you keep second guessing everything including yourself. You have an excellent chance of reconciling with your ex, but you have got to separate yourself a little bit somehow from all this. I know it's hard, but really, there is a lot going on in your favor right now, so you should allow yourself a little room to relax and kind of let things unfold a bit. You have worked hard, but it's possible to overwork this. So just relax. Let things be. Don't give up, or give in - just give.

Totally agree with the last two posts. One thing I've learned this year is that we all want things to go too fast. No one knows how to take things nice and slow anymore.

On the other hand, if she doesn't even want to kiss you after a month, I would say there's a real possibility she's not attracted to you romantically. In fact, didn't she tell you that already? So, you have to ask yourself if you like her company enough to just be friends, or must it move in a romantic direction.

What did you mean by "negative teasing." Something struck me as odd about that phrase. I'd be curious to find out what you did that annoyed her so, so that you can examine and make sure you don't do it again with her, or future relationships.

You could also try getting some of the crew people together and have a summer reunion get-together or something.

If you don't want to call out of the blue, than send him a friendly email, ask him how's he been, what he's up to, how you're spending your summer so far...than casually ask if he'd want to hang out sometime, like check out a movie or something.

This is an unusual situation. Most people on here want to know how they can hook up with one person - you're wanting to know how you can hook up with a whole group. I don't know what to tell you except I strongly suggest you don't call any of these girls without a face to face introduction & name exchange first, and they know you have their phone number.

Does he act like he likes you, too? Just curious. If you spent a fair amount of time talking to each other, I don't see why you can't ask him to a movie or something. Spend a little more time with him face to face, not just online, before you decide if you like him or not. My advice anyway. Also, if he declines your first invitation, which he probably won't, but if he does, than give it a little time, than ask him to something again. If he still declines, than I would not tell him you had a crush on him. But I bet he takes you up on your invitation! Keep us posted.

It depends on the person. You can generally tell what things drive a person by the questions they ask you about yourself. For example, if a girl wants a guy who will be loyal, she may ask you questions about previous relationships, ask if you ever cheated on someone...if a girl is interested in someone with a lot of material goods, she might ask what kind of car do you drive, do you have a job, etc. I mean, girls in general don't have some "test" that we put guys through to see if he'd make a good boyfriend.

But, there are a few things that many girls look to see if a guy will do that help to indicate he'd be at least a considerate boyfriend...like open the car door for her...bring her flowers...share his thoughts with her...call her when he says he's going to!! That's almost the most important one.

How do you let him know you feel about what? We need more details here. Are you dating him and want to tell him you love him? Are you not dating him and want to ask him out?

Well, I'm not saying you shouldn't fight for your true love, but in Rich's case, it looks like this is a pattern. Rich, you even said in your last post, that your last three or so relationships took several months each to "rebuild". Which means you've gone through this type of situation with several different people! Yikes!!!

Listen, I'm not judging you on having a pattern - heck, I've got my own problems that hold me back from a healthy relationship, probably - but you've got people actually wanting to be in a healthy relationship with you and you're blowing them off for your ex. I mean, every day we read on here about lovelorn people who would have done anything for the person they liked, but the person chose someone not as good for them instead.

I guess I just don't get it. I'll stay out of this now.

Rich, I did not intend for my comments to flame you, but the fact is that I have been following your story for some time, have even re-read many of your posts, offered my feedback - all of this has taken some time out of my day. I did it because at first I genuinely felt sorry for your situation, and wanted to help in any way I could with my feedback. I've actually re-read almost every post you've ever put up, including many of the responses - and have discovered that many posters have given you the same advice time and time again - and its like you don't even listen. Or you do for about one post, than its back on the "well, let's wait and see what she's going to decide this time" merry-go-round.

From a woman's perspective, I do not think your ex wants to get back with you, but is keeping you around because a) you won't leave, b) it's flattering to have the attention, c) she's lonely, and d) she hasn't met anyone else yet that really rocks her world.

Harsh words? Yes. Coming from bitterness because my own relationship didn't work out? No, not from anything that specific. But in general, and to quote you, we live in a "I want what I want" world these days, and that is causing me some bitterness to a certain extent. And you are a textbook example! Despite all the evidence to the contrary, you feel this woman is the right one for you, and no matter her reluctance and refusal to honor her commitment deadlines, no matter there are others maybe more suitable for you that are presently INTERESTED in you, you are going full-speed ahead with this plan. All because "it's what you want, and you are going to sit in it." (another quote from one of your posts).

I am sorry if my last post came accross as spreading unhappiness. I've taken a lot of time to respond to your various posts, have shown quite a bit of sympathy, but finally gave up because it appears you're not going to follow anybody's advice.

its nice to be wanted and she seems like a good catch, im just not done and not ready, i even told her this. its kind of like you want them to not be in such a rush becuase you may want them later, just not right this moment.

Kind of sounds like maybe what your ex is feeling? At least her actions (or lack thereof) indicate. So, she's feeling that way about you, you're feeling that way about the other woman...is there anyone in this equation who definitely wants a healthy relationship with someone who is actually available?? This is a situation that I would hope I would be able to avoid once I was in my thirties...Rich, in your case, your forties. Life is too short for this nebulous, nobody knows what they want or how to work on what they've got scenario. I am almost positive your ex won't make a decision on anything concrete next week...and I almost positive you will stick around after anyway.

I guess at this point, this thread is just a sounding board for you, rather than a request for real advice. Which is fine, but than I'm going to start using this thread as a sounding board too: this is the most exasperating story on enotalone!

Well, I disagree. How can you have a healthy relationship when one of the people in it would rather spend more time away from it than in it? I have gone out with more than my fair share of "independent" guys, and the way I look at it now is, if they just want someone they can hang out and sleep with from time to time, while they're doing all the fun stuff with their friends, than they should just not be so cheap and hire a hooker instead.

Sorry, a little bitter today! So take some of that into account for my response. But, there is some truth to what I'm saying too. It takes two people to want a loving relationship, and when one is doing all the work and chasing, it's not going to last.

Speaking from experience, it's not necessarily good girls like bad boys, or good guys like bad girls. Actually, reasonably secure people tend to like other people who have similiar interests, beliefs, outlooks, values, etc. that they do. So, the best advice I can give to you that you should carry with you for life is to always STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF. People who are true to themselves are CONFIDENT people, and confidence is the #1 attraction for both males and females.

This is so cute! I'm sorry, I can't resist...many, many years ago was my first date, so please let me indulge in thinking how adorable this situation is.

Anyway, I bet she had a good time. The fact you were nervous means you probably went out of your way to be very mannerly and a gentleman, which you should always strive to be on all your future dates.

Now, if you had a good time, you should certainly call her and ask her for another date. Maybe something active so that you're not so nervous, like playing frisbee in a park (and if you really want to make it a special date, suggest a picnic), or going to an amusement park. Something fun and different. Also, don't worry about the kissing part yet. Get to know her a little more and hang out with her a few times until a kiss seems like the natural thing to do.

Keep us posted!

Rich, your comment quoted in Gee Cee's post concerned me too. It kind of infers that no matter what you've learned from all this, you're going to stubbornly pine for this woman until the end of time. Which means that all the time I've spent on your posts and giving you advice have been for nothing! Ok, I give up then, but I'll still offer my posts from time to time...and wish you luck...

Interesting...I'm seeing a lot of posts on enotalone lately about people about to get back with their ex. Good luck everyone! Anything is possible with this crazy emotion love. I haven't talked to my ex in over two weeks and I seriously doubt we will be talking again. The strange thing is, I had an overwhelming urge to call him today, I was seriously going to do it, and than at the last moment the voice of reason literally shrieked "are you NUTS." So I didn't - thank God.

Wow. It sounds like you're this close to getting back together. Do NOT panic and get into destructive arguments. Just keep acting like the things she asked for on the list. Hang in there. This is looking good, very good.

This guy has serious baggage and is damaged goods, in my opinion. RUN.

I'm 35 - and from what I understand, the 30's are supposed to be a woman's sexual prime. Makes sense to me - I agree wholeheartedly! So yeah, her not wanting to do it that often is odd.

A little more about the stability factor...having worked for other people and companies all my life, I never had one job where I felt secure for life, and only a few jobs where I had complete trust in my employer's abilities to keep the company afloat. So I'm ready to take a gamble on trusting myself - never done this before, financially - and it's scary and exhilarating all at the same time! Another thing, with a regular job, you don't have much vacation time...which sucks. I always hated just having two lousy weeks a year for time off....yep, the positives outweigh the negatives for sure working for oneself - in my opinion. Others might disagree.

He's an art director and a carpenter, so there are two businesses he could actually pursue. Rich, I'm a freelance copywriter, so I probably work with a lot of the same business types you targeted. It's also in its beginning phases, but I'm seeing increased spending in the business sector again, which is a good thing for us freelancers. Of course, reduced spending was helping as well, as companies were outsourcing more stuff due to reduced staffs. But now that business is picking up, these employees are scrambling to catch up - a great time to call in a freelancer. I've been sending email blasts to people and it's generated some business. But you have to be consistent at it...I send hundreds out a week, and get maybe five truly interested responses, or people saying they'll keep my info on hand. I've picked up some paying clients...I think it's just a matter of staying afloat until I pick up a few regular clients with huge workloads.