Scout

I agree with Openminded's post. You give this guy an ultimatum and your relationship will be over almost instantly. However, I'm concerned about this slumber party. It makes no sense that you aren't invited, but other girls that aren't in the band are. You should talk with your boyfriend - calmly - about this, and ask him if you have done something to offend others in the band, or to him, that would explain why you're being excluded from this.

When the right guy asks you to marry him, you'll KNOW you're in love. There won't be this confusion. You keep coming back to all the nice pretty things this guy can provide for you. Is that all you want out of life? And can't you buy those things yourself as a doctor? You're young, and I would advise you to stop measuring security by the amount of material things someone can provide for you. Wealthy people are used to "buying" whatever they want. This is your life we're talking about here. You don't even know if you love this guy. Yet you're lured by the idea of a country house and a swimming pool. Can you be bought that easily?

Blunt words, but I was dismayed to see that none of the other posts pointed out anything similiar. People, sometimes the marriages that seem to offer the most "security" are the very ones where the husband leaves his wife ten, fifteen, twenty years later for a new, younger trophy. Not all the time, but it happens frequently enough in marriages where the man has most of the financial power.

I don't think its appropriate to buy someone clothes or someone to accept such a gift either on a first, second, third, fourth, etc. date. Maybe way down the road when you're an exclusive couple.

The whole deal about her living downstairs is a bad idea. There's got to be another place somewhere in town that she can afford. Seriously, this situation is going to get intolerable, fast.

Ok, let's take a deep breath here. Before you get too hard on yourself, re-think this a bit. YOU ARE RIGHT - YOU HAVE GIVEN HER FOUR LONG MONTHS TO FIND HERSELF AND TO FIGURE OUT WHAT SHE WANTS. That was an amazing accomplishment of honest love and patience on your part! And just when it all seems it's about to pay off...she waffles again. Shocked, your reaction was entirely understandable, whether it was "right" or "wrong". This has been an incredibly frustrating situation for you.

Right now, accept your anger and frustration, and don't start making excuses for them - or her. Give yourself some time to deal with this before you make any more moves.

I'm sorry. I know you're very upset right now, as you should be. Just ride it out, and don't make any sudden decisions for a few days. Keep us posted, vent here as much as you need to.

Right now, go with No Contact. The problem is he felt suffocated. You've got to not be around, and create an aura of "mystery" again. You have to give him a chance to miss you.

I understand where you're coming from - you'd rather not deal with an unpleasant scene/her anger...but like you said, you were going through a rough time and maybe he was too, and for better or for worse, you turned to each other. So just tell her that if she finds out, aand that you don't think you would do something like that now, and you always felt bad about how she would feel if she knew. That way, you're letting her know that you regretted doing something that could possibly hurt her, but at the same time, you hope she understands that was a long, long time ago. And you wouldn't do it now.

If you feel you must tell her these things, that's how I would put it. If she's still mad at you, than I guess there's not much you can do. Like Mar says, you've done your penance either way with the guilt you've felt. So, I don't think you should feel you have to tell her.

No. What could possibly be a positive outcome of telling her this? Keep it to yourself.

Princess's advice is right on. I'd follow every bit of it, if I were you.

I understand why you're feeling anxious and concerned. Because I think you subconsciously realize something's not right here. It sounds like she's slowly trying to disengage from this relationship. Now is the key time to get some outside help. I suggest because of the length of time you've been together that you two see a relationship counselor, and find out what's really going on with her. After five years, I think it's the least your girl could do at this point.

I just wasn't sure if he actually hit her - my impression was he was just trying to hold her arms back or something to keep her from punching him. I certainly don't advocate a man hitting a woman, or vice versa.

If she was about to punch you, and you were honestly just trying to restrain her, I don't understand why you should be feeling guilty. She was the one that was going to get physically violent.

I am not sure if you should send the letter you wrote RIGHT after this unfortunate incident where all kind of emotions are still in turmoil. Might want to give it a few days.

Fact is, she broke up with you, she's with someone else...she tried to punch you...what is it you're needing to apologize for? I'm confused.

Hey Holly - you ask some very thoughtful and perfectly reasonable questions, which I want to answer more thoroughly when I have time. I do want to sort of emphasize what Muneca is saying - guys like the "hunt", to "pursue". Once you ask "where is this going...", well, they know you're really interested and just like that! they become complacent. As in, great I got her! Unfortunately, the interest starts to subside too, if its very early on.

Sort of a learning experience for me too, on how to act about this. If you read some of my posts in the dating forum, you'll see I met someone recently that came on very strong in the beginning, too. And just as suddenly, he really slowed down the pace. At first, I was anxious, and started to pursue him - called him first instead of waiting for him to call me. So, his calls came less and less, than he went away for the weekend without seeing me before he left. But - the day before he left he called, and I did NOT return his message. He called me the day he got back, and I know he was expecting me to be frosty, aloof, basically irritated with him. Instead, I was warm, friendly, enthusiastic, agreed maybe we should get together that evening - he said he'd call me after work. Well, I didn't answer his call, instead settled in for the evening with a good movie. The message he left was kind of like, hmmm...wonder why you're not picking up? A change in tone from his usual confident messages.

Why am I doing this? To throw him off balance again. He got in the driver's seat way too early on in this, and since I actually like this guy, I want to see if perhaps we can actually date for a while. But I could tell he would lose interest pretty soon if I was available everytime he wanted to see me, if I always was there to pick up the phone, etc. Now, the longer he gets to know me, the less we'll have to play these silly games, but it's a necessary evil at first, at least with some guys, and actually, it's kind of amusing in a way once you see how they respond. (Sorry, guys - don't hate me for saying that! But you put us gals through hell, too!)

Wow. This is why I have serious doubts that the whole theory of monogamy is necessarily a good thing for our society. Too much negativity unleashed when unfaithfulness occurs. And it does occur a lot, because people ARE fallible. I've made mistakes in my past that I sure don't think define me as who I am now.

Frankly, you two don't seem well-matched, at least not any more. This might be a good thing for her and yourself. I would really concentrate on seeing where you can improve yourself and do some things you want to do, instead of dwelling too much on getting back together.

Pretty blunt, I know...but that was my immediate impression after reading your post. Especially agree with the poster who asks you why in the world would you want to be with someone who NEVER enjoys sex with you??

Usually girls do this when they break up with a guy, not vice versa. It's certainly an interesting situation. I haven't a clue what to tell you to do! Which is pretty rare for me.

Here's another post - my own actually - and it talks about the first guy I've met since my ex who gives me the butterflies! Again, some helpful advice about how to proceed....

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Whatever you do, DON'T start overanalyzing this, as this usually leads to the kiss of death of what could be a potential relationship. The first several dates, heck, weeks & months, should be a joyful discovery phase. There is a post on the Dating forum right now that talks about this a great deal, and also, tells you what not to do - namely, ask him the dreaded question "Where is this relationship going?"

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One way to find out his level of commitment is if he will agree to go to counseling. Tell him you really need him to. Sounds like this is a crucial turning point in your marriage, and he needs to be aware of the thoughts that are going through your mind. Even the most passionate partners go through periods where the spark seems to have gone out - it sounds like you two have a strong basis of friendship and respect, a lot of marriages can't say the same. I would really give it a shot if I were you. But that's just judged on what you wrote in your post, there may be a lot more to this. Ultimately, this is a decision you will have to make, along with your husband. Hopefully, you'll put a lot of effort into this decision because children are involved. Best of luck, and keep us posted.

This is definitely an issue that is not black and white. At least not to me. Right now I'm leaning towards: if there is no way the other person will ever find out, than don't tell them. Especially if you know that, except for this screw-up, you are a good partner for this person.

And of course, this goes without saying: don't ever cheat on them again, either.

muneca, I promise I am not trying to get the last word here - just want to clarify I meant freeloading by expecting the man to pay for every date. I did point out that I would hope he would do so at least on the first date. And yes, the first few dates would be even lovelier. However, I am just extra self-conscious about that sort of thing, so don't want to put this down as an absolute dating rule or anything.

Oh, I agreed with all of your points, except the paying issue. I understand where you're coming from - yes, it would be marvelous to go back to the times when a man is COURTING us for a change. However, women do have things on a more equal footing now, and as a professional woman who would never need a man to support me, I do not think that paying from time to time or going dutch means that I'm opening the door to a potential freeloader. On the other hand, I would worry he would think I was a freeloader. And frankly, I think any woman who always expects the man to pay IS freeloading. I know this is a touchy comment, but it's also how I truly feel. Most of the guys I've dated have always paid for the first few dates, sometimes the majority of the dates, and in turn, were truly appreciative when I offered to pay for some things too. None ever asked to borrow money from me, etc. A few have been couch potatoes, though, and I think that was just their natural inclination. They didn't last with me, at any rate.

Bottom line, true courtesy and thoughtfulness needs to be expected from both sides.

Spatzy, nice compliment! I ain't no bed of roses, though, trust me. You know, the goalposts do keep moving - all the time. However, you can have your own fair dating ideology firmly in place no matter. At least one thing will remain consistent.

I think that in general, too many women dread being single. Frankly, the majority of us do. I have only recently adopted the attitude that says, you know what? I may never have this time to myself again. Instead of wishing it goes by faster - and basically fastforwarding through precious moments of my life - I'm going to make this time in my life every bit as rich as if I was partnered with someone. It has taken me a loooooong time to learn patience, and my visits to eNotalone has played a large part in this learning process. Reading so many posts I identify with - and realize what I've been doing and THINKING wrong.

Of course, now that I've gotten myself all straightened out, Murphy's Law ensures I'll meet only dysfunctional people going forward. Just kiddin'! I actually believe this will draw more healthy people to me.

Dating is actually fun - unless you're only concentrating on one person. Than it's not dating anymore - it's overanalyzing and agonizing! I've got to meet someone else besides this new guy that has already taken up residence in my head, so I can kick him out of the driver's seat!

That's exactly the dilemma. I think that's a common problem guys have. I actually met someone about two weeks ago, and we were seeing each other every day. The day after things got intimate (because of alcohol, darn it!), I noticed a change. His calls abruptly slowed down and practically stopped altogether. It's been several days since the last time I heard from him, and I'm thinking he probably thought the same thing as you're going through right now. He was with someone for two years and they broke up six months ago. He had told me that he hadn't dated anyone "heavily" since then because he hadn't met anyone he liked enough.

So at the moment, I'm just going with the flow. It probably does need to get kicked down a notch or two, and I'm not interested in exclusivity at this point either. On the other hand, I definitely have been thinking about him a lot, so if he calls, I'll probably go out with him again.

This whole patient attitude is fairly new for me...I used to agonize and overanalyze, and this almost always killed anything promising. Unfortunately, many women do this, myself included - just trying to stop now, because I finally realize how detrimental this is to what could be potentially good relationships.

Muneca, usually on the same page with you regarding your advice, but disagree with the "don't ever pay or go dutch" theory. I personally appreciate it if a guy pays on at least the first date. And to be honest, I probably wouldn't go out with him again if he didn't. However, I don't expect him to pay everytime we go out. Why should he? In many cases, I make the same amount of money or more than he does. Plus, I don't want to feel I "owe" him anything by continually accepting his paying for everything. I also think guys appreciate it if we offer sometimes - it shows we're not just looking for a free meal, free movie, etc. You get the idea.

As for just casual kissing...well, for those of you with better self control than I have, go for it! But I can't imagine too many guys out there who will hang around for very long if they're only getting a quick kiss every now and then. Unless they have strong religious values, which in that case, I think Holly is looking for anyway, so she'll probably be ok there. By the way - where is Holly?? Hope we didn't freak you out with our advice!