Scout

Date younger guys, too. First of all, they're just plain fun. Second of all, sounds like you could use a little ego boost. Nothing like dating a younger guy for that! Have fun - you're not old. From what I hear, the 40's are now considered the "new 30's." Yippeee!!!

I personally don't know what people mean when they refer to themselves as "nice." A blander, less interesting word never existed. I want a guy who has manners, integrity, character, humor, opinions, sexiness and kindness towards humanity.

I do not want someone who has nothing to say, expects me to lead the conversation all the time, and has no opinions or interesting ideas or can't think for himself.

So, to me the equation is fascinating vs. boring - NOT "nice" versus "jerk".

If you find yourself constantly sighing that you're a nice guy - or girl - who always finishes lasts, I suggest you take a hard inward look. Either you're picking the wrong people or you aren't doing much to make yourself a desirable person. But saying "nice guys always finish last" is to me one of the biggest cop-outs said in the dating world.

Blunt words, yes, but hopefully will rouse some of us to action and get out of the swamp of self-pity. On the other hand, we all need to indulge in a little self-pity at times...just as long as we snap out of it. Life is too short to be so hard on ourselves!

love, Scout

Could it be possible that you're just insecure about your relative lack of experience with relationships, and would feel more comfortable with someone who has about the same depth of experience? It's understandable if you are, but at the same time, I think you are doing yourself a disservice by ruling out people who have had relationships. Maybe they can teach you a thing or two that someone who hasn't can't. I'm sorry, but your current criteria seems like it will put you in a situation where the blind is leading the blind.

Ok, so you're 22 and you haven't had a serious relationship. It's hardly a stigma, but now it looks like you have an opportunity and you are tossing it away because she's been involved with others before. I think you're making a big mistake only wanting to date those with little experience. I knew a guy once that was 36 years old and had never dated anyone for longer than six months. He was snappish, set in his ways, defensive, and basically an unhappy soul. Do you want to turn out to be the same way? If not, I'd let go of this stubborn idea you have that rules out experienced women as potential dates/girlfriends. Open yourself up and let yourself learn from others. It can actually be a very liberating experience if you take the risk. Good luck!

yes, that's a challenge many artists have. but you could always say you wrote the song about a friend. Anyway, I don't think you should give your poems away to people to use as they wish. From a business standpoint, it makes no sense. Now, that may be something that won't concern you for many years down the road, but eventually it will if you keep writing and playing music.

I don't think you should give away your art to your friends for their own use. Why don't you start your own band?

I just mean stuff like no apostrophes, and one or two places where there needed to be a space in between words. As I said, the more you write, the less mistakes you'll make. I really liked the content a lot.

I liked it! You need to do a spell/grammar check, though. Keep writing, and your spelling, etc. will only improve. But the actual poem was good - I think it would make a good song. Have you tried songwriting? You'd need to decide what would be the chorus, etc. Good songwriters are hard to come by. Keep up with your writing, a creative soul is bound to have an interesting and meaningful life.

Keep repeating those last two sentences in your post to yourself like a mantra. It is essential you give yourself some peace now, if only for the next few weeks.

Man, I wish I had this problem!

Yeah, don't say anything yet. Beec, what kind of small move would you suggest he makes? I'm curious.

You're not a loser - maybe just a little naive. I agree with Av (as usual) - sell the cursed thing. I don't think you could sue your ex, anyway...legally speaking, it looks like you've got responsibility for this. Plus, if he's making payments, than he should get the ring...

Sorry you're going through this mess, but I'm sure it's convinced you never to pay for your own engagement ring again!

Yeah, I was cringing when I read that thinking, great! Guys are going to think all women behave like that/live by that code. Not the case. We need to stop thinking these are gender specific types of behavior, when it comes down to a matter of character and personal responsibility - not what sex you are.

I would have written the letter, too. For the same reasons...yes, to try and do some kind of "damage control" (although I really think it's her "fault" damage control has to be done, because you're only human, how much indecision can you take) and also just to apologize because like you, I do regret losing my temper shortly afterwards, even if the other person provokes me.

Whether she responds to it or not is anyone's guess at this point. She hasn't responded decisively to much so far. Maybe the letter will galvanize her, maybe it won't. Again, more waiting for you.

Shocked, you're entitled to getting your own needs met, too. Please keep that in mind. Time will tell whether she is the woman who will be the one to meet them. But you must know that despite your "mistakes", you have made Herculean efforts to salvage this relationship, and in fact, to create something more mature and lasting. It honestly takes two for this to be accomplished, though. I hope she comes back to you, I really do. But I also hope you are prepared to start thinking about your own needs a little bit more, and to just try to let go at this point and let her step up to the plate and do the work she needs to do.

Yeah, all I can say is the same thing, Shocky: I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide to do. Because at this point, there is no right or wrong. I just feel terrible you're having to go through all this frustration. I don't understand how she could still not have come to a decision yet by this time. But then, I'm not her, and I haven't experienced whatever it is she experienced in her relationship with you.

She's going to therapy, right? Any chance you two could go to a few sessions together? Just curious if either of you have thought about that.

Ick, I don't want to appear bitter. That's why I made sure to say in one of my posts that despite everything, I do like men and I like dating. I just don't like the fact that the men I pick seem to bail just when things are going great. I do stick by my theory that slowly women are becoming the pursuers, and men are making us do the chasing. I have no idea how this happened, but I hear the same thing from so many other women.

I have the answer, though. We need to be dating about four guys at the same time, and than we won't have time to stress over just one. And somehow, they will all pick up on the fact that we are not spending every waking hour moping over them, and they will double their efforts at wooing us!

"Women can be selfish" - grrr, I really don't like generalizations like that. Selfish people can be selfish - period.

Well, I do like getting flowers. I think it's very romantic, thoughtful, and it just makes me feel special. However, I've only had one guy in the last four years give me flowers. Unfortunately, he ended up dumping me too. Yes, I like the independent types as well - guys with real personality, a sharp wit, and general love of life. I cannot change liking that type of guy, I do not want a couch potato with no outlook on anything, no confidence, etc. So, I guess I'm just doomed to like the ones that are "hard to catch." The reason they are so hard to catch is because they are so interesting, lots of women want them!

On the other hand, I think I'm a catch, too! So, why should I settle for less than what I feel is right for me? I guess I have to remain positive...someone will eventually come along where the timing and their maturity level is ideal.

As I too have said in a previous post, her moving downstairs is a dreadful idea. Talking to the landlord is not the same as her signing a lease. As much as you are grasping at this as a small hope for reconciliation, you should do whatever you can to talk her out of moving downstairs. Or move out yourself. You are opening yourself up to a world of pain, my friend.

Maybe he's not a "chaser", maybe he is. You really haven't known this guy long enough to know for sure what he is, but you can certainly judge by his actions. Guys always say they hate games. But, that doesn't stop them from playing them.

I realize dating culture varies by countries, but in America, guys come on just as strong at first too, than do the inevitable pull-back. Not all the time, but often enough. What I'm starting to see is a general trend of women taking the bait and than becoming the pursuers themselves! Myself included, alas. I'm trying to break free of it, though. It's just too painful, getting my hopes up time and again only to be let down. Yet, I like dating and I like men! So, I don't quite know what to do.

What's weird is that, in my 20's when I was much more insecure about things, guys were more interested in long-term relationships with me. Now in my 30's, I've got my head on straight and feel like I know what I want - professionally, spiritually and personally - but, I can't find anyone interested in anything beyond casual dating! And I'm talking about guys in their late 20's to mid-30's. I'm not sure if there is a related reason for this, it's just what I've noticed.

Seriously, every guy I've dated in the past four years has some kind of commitment issues. It's very disheartening. I didn't plan on such difficulties finding a rewarding, fulfilling relationship with someone. When I read a post like your's, all these feelings come flooding back. Why do guys come on so strong like that, than disengage??? Someone please explain it to me in a way that makes sense!

Here are the most common break-up lines I've heard from guys:

1) I don't think I'm the right guy for you

2) I have too much going on right now for anything serious

Neither of course give me any clue as to the real reason they're dumping me...

Listen, before you launch yourself into this huge project of "figuring him out, giving him his space, finding out what he needs" - PLEASE LOOK TO SEE IF YOUR OWN NEEDS ARE BEING MET. No, they're not. You haven't been with this guy long enough to embark on such a painful journey as you're thinking about undertaking. Believe me, the first month of feeling like he's your soulmate is called INFATUATION. He said the right things, did the right things, etc. that really made you respond to him. Than he pulled back. This is classic behavior for some men - and women, too. Let me tell you, there are guys out there that are very skilled at doing this. They love the chase, the hunt - than their interest subsides. It really, really sucks, but that is basically what it boils down to, not "fear of intimacy" or whatever the therapist wants to label it. There are some people out there that simply get a charge out of "winning" the hearts of people, than they callously drop them/disengage from the relationship.

Please, you do not want to sign up for this. The guy has issues, big time. I would strongly urge you move on, or you are going to get really, really hurt. The short time you've known him is in your favor, but the longer you try to stay with this guy, the worse you're going to feel when it doesn't work out.

I think you need to back off, you've called her too much. It's obvious you're very, very interested. It doesn't seem like she is that much. Wait for her to call you back. If she agrees to make a date with you on that call, you can proceed from there, but if she still waffles back and forth, I wouldn't put too much hope into this going anywhere. Than you can find someone more receptive.

I really hope a lot of guys post answers to this question. I'm going through something very similar with someone I met a few weeks ago. Everything was great the first week we met, he called all the time, we saw each other quite a bit - than he just disappeared off the radar, calling every four or five days. He never returns my calls either. Yet when we're together, he genuinely seems interested. I have a feeling he's got another girl, though, or he would at least return my calls. And this whole holiday weekend went by without a word from him.

I have a feeling he'll call again, eventually. Is it even worth asking him why he went from hot to cold?

Yes, this was a great & creative topic name! Unfortunately, I can barely read your post. Too many commas, no spaces or paragraphs. I mention this only because the topic sentence was too good not to be followed up with an equally well-written post. I'm a stickler for good grammar, though, others may not care.

Sorry, disagree. A puppy is doing that because it doesn't know better yet, a 21 year old man - actually a person of any age - knows you don't blow off someone who is en route to see you. And telling him it was wrong isn't going to make a difference. I strongly advise she dump this guy, what he did was wrong, deliberately wrong, callous, and just messed up. I wouldn't forgive someone for doing this to me. And I don't think she should either.