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Thread: My fiance vs my family

  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2003

    My fiance vs my family

    My whole life I've gone on family trips during summer and winter. I'm getting married soon after having gone on a summer trip with my fiance and family last summer and this winter. My fiance emailed me this...

    So babe, we have allot of things to work out if we are going to get married.
    First and for most, you have to be 100% by my side babe, so that means there
    is no choosing between me and your family, it means that you have to choose
    me all the time. Secondly, I don't want to spend all of my Christmas's and
    Summer vacations on your family trips. I want us to start our own family
    and have our own family trips. That's what getting married means, you leave
    your family's to start your own. I understand doing the family things once
    in a while, but not every single year. Thirdly, please go and spend more
    time with your brother, so that on these family trips you don't spend catch
    up time. I know that you have been doing all these things your entire life
    Shay but when you get married, you leave your Father and Mother and start
    your own family and do your own family things with me. I have been living
    with my family my entire life but I am not expecting us to live with them
    when we get married right?

    So you have to ask yourself, can you choose your wife over your Mother and
    Father? Can you start your own family or do you need to stay with your
    current family.........are you ready for a wife? We have to settle this,
    because if not, we will probably end up in divorce latter on and I don't
    want to be in a marriage like that.

    Is this right/fair?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member RayKay's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Middle of Canada
    Well, it is true that you do start your own family...but your extended family is part of that family too, and your parents are still part of your family....I think being able to go on family vacations still is a great thing as so many families drift apart as the kids get older. I am going with my family (whom I no longer live with and have not for years) to Cuba in March and am sooo excited! As long as you also go on trips with her and don't allow your parents to interfere than I think that she also has to compromise a bit. It is not fair for her to expect you to take her side no matter what (ie when she is in the wrong) or for you to stop spending time with your family.

    But I think you not going every year with them and sometimes going with your own family (once you have started it) is reasonable.

    I have a feeling there must of been some disagreements in the past that have led to her feeling like she comes second maybe?

    I think she is questioning whether you are ready to accept the responsibilities of marriage and family and to leave the nest.

  3. #3
    Member Angelus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Nassau Bahamas
    Ur fiancee' makes good points however let her know that there u still do need to spend time with your family bc like it not, she's not just marrying u, she's marrying ur family as well. Her family becomes urs and vice-versa.

    I do agree with her that you do have to leave the nest to start ur family and that mom and dad should be there to give advice not control. Maybe she may feel that ur family is bit sheltered in that they may want a say in everything so that's probably why she wrote that. However, you can see that she's ready to start a new life with you; the question is, are you?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Beec's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    New York
    First, there should not be that many conflicts between her and your family. Both of these people proabbyl want what is best for you. To the extent there is one, yes, you have to publicly side with your wife. If she is fighting with your mother, and you think your wife is wrong, then you need to stay out of it, try to end the current dispute and try to show your wife how she has gone wrong. But you cannot get involved in the fight.

    Second, yes, she is right about trips and stuff. Maybe less with your brother than the other issues. You spend what time you can with him and then if you need to catch up, she should udnerstand. After all, won't you be spending much of the time with her.

  5. #5
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    I agree with RayKay. It sounds like there's been conflict before. Be honest with yourself - have there been times when you've chosen your mom and dad over your fiance? Moms tend to be protective of their "baby boys" even if they are older and about to get married. I can understand that if your fiance thinks you are a mama's boy, that's she'd rather not have to compete with your mother for your attention. You should start to reassure her based on your actions and words that she will be the #1 person in your life, but that you will still make time for your family. But, I don't know your entire situation, so this is my advice based on my knowledge.

  6. #6

    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Honestly, I see nothing wrong with what she's written. She has agreed that you still need to spend time with your parents and siblings, but she's reminding you that your immediate family should come first.

    Marriage truly DOES mean leaving your parents / siblings and creating your *own* family with your spouse and children. Sure, your 'old' family is still family and should still be part of your life; but, unless it's a drastic situation, your spouse (and children) should come before your parents and siblings.

    I spent the first 9 years of my life with my parents fighting because my mother kept choosing her parents and siblings over my father, her husband. The only thing that did was make ALL of our lives absolutely miserable. (Edit: And, BTW, they divorced when I was 9-years-old...sounds like what your fiance said, don't you think?)

    Marriage is the time to cut the apron strings and realize that you aren't an appendage of your parents -- you are your *own* person with your *own* life. If you aren't ready and willing to do that, then maybe you need to reconsider your plans.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    I told myself I wasn't going to respond...But I'm not going to stand back and watch this happen to you, friends don't do that.

    **She should have talked to you face-to-face if this was such a marriage important issue to her...not email it to you.**

    Whether she is right or wrong, the entire tone of her message is condescending. You are a family guy, family is important to you. Why is she expecting you to choose her over your family 100% of the time? That's...I'm shocked! I don't even know how to respond to that it is SO ridiculous!
    Of course you're marrying her, HOWEVER, its because of your relationship with your family that you are the person she "fell in love with." Why would she want to mold you into someone else now after a year of dating? Is she feeling threatened of the possibility that vacationing with your family is taking 'precious' time away from her? She should be excited to spend time with your family. That's pretty selfish on her part.
    Yes you are somewhat leaving your family, but not really. Its more of adding to it instead of taking away! She should be thrilled that she's becoming a part of a family that loves spending time together...nowadays that's rare.
    And spending time with family is different then living with them. You 2 aren't living with your're spending quality time getting to know everyone. So her saying that she isn't expecting you 2 to live with her family is irrelevant. Just because she's spent 30 years living with her family and is dieing to get out of the house doesn't mean she has to take you away from yours or cut your family time as well.
    And what the heck is this!!!!
    "So you have to ask yourself, can you choose your wife over your mother and father?"
    That is so high school! You shouldn't HAVE to choose anyone over anyone else!
    That's frickin' ridiculous!
    She can not expect you to choose her over people who fed you, clothed you, made you into the person she claims to love and want to be with. You shouldn't have to choose! This is a union of families not a breaking of one to start another!
    You 2 seem to be on totally different pages and maybe this is her cop out....her way of trying to end it. I don't know. but its frustrating for me to read that the girl an amazing guy loves is trying to make him choose her over an unbelievable family! She should want to be a part of your family! Not take you away from it!
    for those of us who have been following the posts this is just one in a lo-ong line of questions you've had in this relationship. a relationship that seems dominated by her changing the way you live your life so she can fit you better into hers. That's not how a marriage works. it doesn't matter how old you are or how much/little experience you've had/hadn't had...its common knowledge and decency that when 2 people get take both your lives and put them take the person for who they are and what they are when you meet love them for every fault, family issue, friend, hair and so on that they have in their life!
    you don't get into a relationship with expectations of changing your partner into something more suitable for yourself, you don't take them away from their life, friends and family! That's disrespect and far from loving!
    What compromises has she made per your requests?


  8. #8
    Join Date
    May 2003
    The conflict isn't with my parents. My parents love her (and have told her this) and she loves them too. The conflict comes between her and one of my brothers and his girlfriend. Mainly his girlfriend. My brothers girlfriend is the peppy, upbeat, cute blonde, always happy girl and this really bothers my fiance. I ask her why and she says she doesn't know. She comments on how everyone loves my brothers girlfriend cause she acts so young (she's 19 and she can at times act like she's eight). So it makes my fiance feel separated when she sees everyone laughing and getting along with my bro's girlfriend (including me) when she despises her. I think it's an insecurity issue and she's aggreed at times that maybe it is. I don't know what to do, becuase I've tried and tried to help the situation, but my fiance has basically told me that she will never fit in with it and will never enjoy herself on my family vacations. It really puts me in a crummy situation with me almost having to pick a side.


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