My Mother is Making Me Crazy

I am struggling with something difficult right now involving my relationship with my mother. I'll try to keep the story short, as it goes back almost twenty years to my childhood.

I am the oldest child of three. My parents were divorced when I was ten because my mother had an affair and threw my dad out of the house. Looking back now, it is clear that she was not getting what she needed from him, but that is pretty difficult to understand when it is your dad and you are a child. The man with whom she had an affair moved in a few months later and we were not allowed to see my dad for months. Whenever we cried, or were upset about not being able to see our father, our mother would scream at us that she was doing the best that she could, that we were ungrateful, and that she might as well just kill herself because we didn't appreciate her and everything that she had done for us.

We knew that our parents were not getting along and that they fought a lot. I don't remember many signs of affection between them. Even so, the announcement regarding the divorce was a complete surprise to us. Nobody asked us how we felt, helped us to grieve, or explained why a new man was living with us and why we couldn't see our father. Our mother made it out to be that he was a bad person, so we shouldn't talk to him. Eventually our dad moved back to his home city, met another woman and was remarried, but lived quite a distance from us.

As the oldest, I took on the responsibility of raising my sisters as my mom was completely wrapped up in her new boyfriend (later husband) and her work. I was kept up late at night as I could hear them having loud sex all night, and I remember eating gravol and other meds just so that I could sleep so that I could go to grade six in the morning. Life was pretty grim.

As a teenager, I ran between my mom and dad and passed messages along from my mother, especially regarding child support and other things that my father was not doing. I took on a lot of responsibility. Way too much for a teenager. I was also my mom's favorite "whipping boy." When she was mad or upset she would take it out on me and not my siblings. She would also confide very personal things to me and would ask me "how are we going to pay the bills this month?" I was just a kid. One minute her best friend, the next minute she could not say enough hateful things to me.

I left for university the very minute that I could get out the door. My mom was still with her second husband, who, it turned out, was a compulsive gambler. Through my teenage years, I worked part-time while going to school just so that I could have some spending money. My mom had to sell all of our furniture to pay off his debts and at one point could not even write a cheque in our town. Even though I begged her to get out of the marriage and save us, she stayed, and sold almost everything around us. When she finally broke it off with him, we thought that things would be on the mend. Even though she had to sell the house that we grew up in, we thought that things were going to work out.

What followed was a string of bad relationships culminating in one where she moved in with an abusive man, got a restraining order against him, then had my sibling and I go to his house and move all of her furniture out while she was in hiding. A couple of months later, we found out that she was seeing him again.

I lost it. AFter years of bailing her out, lending her money, listening to her scream at us, being her little partners in crime as she went from relationship to relationship (and we were not allowed to talk to our father, then our stepfather after those relationships were finished even though they both lasted a number of years), her phoning me when I was away at school to yell at me because she was frustrated because the bills had to be paid and she didn't know how she was going to do it ... (the list is very long) ... I couldn't take it anymore. I was trying to get my own life together but was constantly sidetracked by my mother's mood and/or crisis.

I phoned her and screamed at her that I couldn't take it anymore. I wouldn't be the dutiful daughter anymore, there to clean up after her and support her. After years of being the little adult, I couldn't handle one more thing. I called her selfish. I begged her to get help.

Instead of listening to me and respecting my feelings, she blocked my phone. I could not call my own mother. I emailed her in desperation, and called on my cell phone. She wouldn't respond. Apparently she was too upset that I was so rude to her and her feelings were hurt. She would not even engage me in conversation. I even suggested a mediator and she wouldn't do that. It took months for us to talk again. I got the usual half-hearted apology, complete with her clenched jaw and accusations that I was trying to ruin her life and didn't want to see her happy.

What makes this the most frustrating is that my mother is trained in one of the helping professions, and would go off and help other families, then come home and scream at us for everything. She raged constantly, and every demand we made was an imposition on her. I just remember her being angry all the time. I think that when she left my dad, she left us too, although she was still there in body. It was like our old mom had just checked out. New mom didn't listen, resented us, and told us how much better her life would be if we weren't around. Funny how she fought so hard for custody.

So, fast forward a couple of years, and my mom and I still have a strained relationship. She is now living with yet another partner with plans to marry him next year. She is trying to extend an olive branch, and called me the other night to see if I needed anything. She has given me very little compared to my siblings (she gave them each a few thousand dollars when she inherited money a little while ago and I got nothing). I am happy that we are talking again, but do not trust her at all. She has not committed to any type of therapy, told me last year that her parenting was finished when I turned 18, and now she is phoning me to find out if I am okay and need anything?

Help! I don't know how to make sense of this mess!

My mother went through this with her mother almost the same thing. My grandmother had mental conditions...my mother took off at 17...got pregnet with me...and still talked to her mother occasionaly. My grandmother is Bi polar with psy. episodes she would imagine things that diddnt happen. When i tured 14 my mother moved to Washington with her mother (my dad had custody they had divorced when i was 2.) It was ok at first the same kind of thing that is happening with you.... she offered to help out and asked if my mom needed anything and told her she missed her...my mom fell for it. 2 years later my grandmother had several breakdowns and one day snapped at my half sister who was 6 at the time....my Mother left and refuses to see her motehr until she gets help....maybe that is what you should do....and if she doenst get help....just try as hard as you can to get by without her it might be for the best....Maybe she will seek the help she needs if she realises that she really is hurting you. I could be getting the wrong impression but it seems like you always kinda took the fall and only stood up that once and then gave in....if you show her that its really her fault maybe she will see. Its worth a shot.

I really hope it works out for you!

Wow. Your mom sounds like my mom. My mom's very nice to people, who we call in my own language, 'people on the outside', those who are not family. It's funny isn't it? How can they be so nice to other people, but come home and take out their stress on us? Why?

I personally feel as though a lot of families don't want to admit that they are dysfunctional. If anything, there are probably more dysfunctional families than what's protrayed. In reality, we think that people 'have it made', they live 'perfect lives.' Reality: people don't have perfect lives.

I truly enjoyed reading your post. It reminds me of how life's a struggle. I've been through a lot of -ish in the past as well. Did not like my mom's b/f's whatsoever. Mom and dad didn't quite get along as well. Dad was really sweet, but passed away. Mom just always ran into these weirdos. Dad's not alive. Two parent income on double shifts, down to single parent income. Child stays at home and fends for self etc., etc. I've been through it myself, and have ran into friends that have been in a similar situation. It's this odd paradox, and a part of what we call 'life.'

That's life for ya. Sometimes dysfunctional maybe something quite 'normal' for some people. Try to not lose hope k Citichik. You know that you are strong. I doubt that our relationships with our mothers will change. It will still be the same, even when we're over 40 and have kids of our own. Mamas will always be mom's, and will always somehow want that little bit of 'power' or 'authority' over their daughters. Since you're the eldest of the three, you pose a greater threat because you're turning into the woman that doesn't need her. You're leaving the 'empty nest' (actually, you left it a while ago, for quite some time even as a kid). This is all her way of dealing with her 'frustrations' by dumping it on you, especially because she feels powerless as a mother.

Just my 2-cents from personal experience. Hope this helps. Hang in there.

Mahlina

I'm sorry to hear about your condition with your mother. Although I've never had that experience before, I feel your agony.

I suppose you could leave your mother be until she changes or seeks help. From your post, I can see your mother emotional blackmailing you when you screamed at her when you could take no more.

She was playing hard to get when you tried to contact her after your small stand-up. If you really want to, I think it's time for you to take her out for lunch and a talk. Tell her and let her know how you've dealt with all this throughout your childhood. How many difficulties you've ploughed through.

I applaude you for your will power. It takes a lot to stand up to the problem you are and were facing. I can see that you're a really strong person and has a strong personality. I'm certain that you can get through this problems as well.

I guess that confrontation is best here. You can't always be there to watch your mum without her ever learning. Let her know how much you've hurt.

I hope it works out either way. You're a really strong willed person. You can do it!

Thank you for your replies.

You are right when you say that this is part of life. Everyone has their struggle. This is mine.

Take care.

Actually, relationships with our mothers can change. Years down the road, maybe, but they can and do. Citichik, believe it or not, my family life and relationship with my mother was worse than your's. I'm not going into details, but trust me on this. I'm also not discounting what you went through because it sounds very bad and painful. So you can only imagine what I went through if I say it was worse.

The miraculous thing is that today my mother is my closest ally. I honestly feel like I am the center of her Universe and truly, truly loved by her. Which is the TOTAL OPPOSITE of how it was when I was a kid and teenager. I guess we both grew up. I went on to lead my own life, learned many things, and I guess she did too.

I can't say she fully acknowledges today how much pain she caused me in the past, but I know she feels guilty. It's not something we ever actually talked about in great depth. Some things are best left alone, so that actions can take over instead.

There is hope. And try to remember that no matter how immature and hateful your mother can be, she is still your mom and deserving of respect. That's not to say you can't express yourself (and I don't blame you for snapping finally. I wish she had been more understanding of why you did it. Perhaps she can't face yet the awful consequences of her actions over the years).

We're here for you, so please continue to post if it helps. I think we can all relate to what you're going through.

Thank you. Just writing about this is helping me come to terms with it. I guess that I was caught in a moment of self-pity, but I was really in a tailspin - I am very suspicious when my mom is nice to me because it usually ends badly.

I have faith that she has changed, however, and may try and talk to her a bit more about what our relationship should look like now. Maybe that will help.