I hate living

I sit down here to write and I wonder why I am doing this. My life is a tragedy. Some people are just born with tragedy in their blood. The only reason I'm still alive is hope. I hope that things might get better. I don't know what is happening. My head just doesn't work right. I have never been happy. I wish I was happy. I am nothing! I try so hard to find happiness. I know I should be happy with what I have, but I hate living. I just don't want to live no more. The bitterness and anger inside me has made me hate everything. I destroy everything I touch. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I feel like I'm made of pain. My head is exploding. My brain is on the point of bursting to bits. I'm sick in the head. I feel like crap.

I'm going insane by the voices inside my head. They scare the crap out of me. I'm so confused. It seems like something is seriously wrong. Sometimes when I hear voices I think the voices are outside my head because they are so loud. I get pissed. I get angry, hearing these voices. I have never talked to anyone about the voices, and I don't intend to. I don't really want to talk about them. When I start talking about them, sometimes they come back. I am trying to avoid that. Some days I don't hear the voices. It depends how much stress I'm under. How depressed I am, how angry I am. I've tried so hard to get rid of the voices, but basically nothing works. I argue with them. I tell them to shut up. But they ignore me. The voices are all I hear. I hear two of them. "You pathetic loser. You're a peace of shit," the first one says. "You have no choice. Kill them. Kill everybody," the second one yells. I've heard those two sentences over and over again today. I spent all afternoon banging my head against the wall trying to make the voices go away. The voices are putting me through hell. I can't stop them.

Life is not worth living. I have a choice. Harm, or not harm. Keep the rage, or not keep the rage. I want to have a meaning, I see a life without meaning as a pointless life to live. I have no meaning. I think I might be more afraid than anything. More than angry, or frustrated, or sad.

I don't like my life very much. I just don't know what to do anymore. The only way I get through a day is by telling myself it will all be over soon.

--Creep

It sounds like you might be suffering from schizophrenia if you are hearing voices. Have you seen a doctor and told them how you are feeling? They do have help available and medications that can really make a world of difference with your mental health.

I can imagine this would be really, really scary for you. So I think its time to seek some help. Would you be willing to try this?

avman

No, I haven't seen a doctor and told them how I'm feeling. I'm willing to try anything just to make the voices go away.

Please do give your doctor a call and make an appointment. They can help sort out what is going on. Mental health is important. I have had seroius clinical depression and that scared me to death. I can only imagine adding voices on top of that.

So before you do something dangerous, please call them for help. I'm not aware of the resources that are available in Norway unfortunately, but perhaps there are other members here that have more specifics. I do know there is a good suicide hotline run by the Samaritans in the UK and maybe they can provide some guidance also.

But don't wait. Call your doctor right away and tell them just whats going on. They WILL help you to start feeling better.

I will keep you in my thoughts and please let us know how we can help you.

avman

i'm sorry, but i'm not going to sit here and tell you "it's okay, everything's going to get better" because i don't know that. all i can say is that i know how you feel. people on this site who've read my poetry know that i battle with my emotions all the time, anger, depression, fear and a million things i don't even have a name for. you have to find something to live for and go with it, no matter what, because without anything, nothing is going to get better. i survive by believing that things will get better one day, and one day i really will be happy. some days i dont believe it, and that's when i have problems. *sigh* as far as i know we only get one life, so i'm trying to have fun, and enjoy the pleasures of it even if they don't last. sorry if this didn't help. PM me if you want...

EmptySoul

man so tired wish you could sleep all night and day wish you could live in your dreams in dreams things are different I'm my self am very tired my head hurts constantly as I ask myself why me what did I do to deserve this I know the feeling widhing but no change I wish I could tell you that is going to get better I wish I could dry your tears and tell you that is O.k...,,

hold on to hope is all I have

hey bud how are u doing? i hope your still alive . just kidding. well what you've just explained is nothing out of the ordinary. in fact, a lot of people who seem happy and normal to you have the same problems too. it is a good thing that you still have hope, you are on the right track. just try to look at the many good things you have and try to concentrate on them. another thing i do to help me when i feel like this is to think of the many homeless, hungry, lonely and you name it that go around living life. and some of them are able to put a smile on so i tell myself that i have no reason not to join them and look up to the sky. and try and find something to belief in,something you can die for, that helps alot, becos if you dont have anything to die for then you wont have anything to live for. i hope what i said helped, but hey, your not alone and your not the worste so join me and smile.

Yes, I'm still alive. I will get help. I am trying slowly to get myself back together. I will get there one day. I'd like to thank everyone who has posted in this thread; each and every word has helped. =)

I have a brother who has paranoid schizophrenia. It is a hard thing to deal with but, with the right help and medication you can get rid of the voices for the most part and your brain can be healed if you keep away from drugs and alcohol. It is proven. At one point my brother's brain was atleast 40-50% destroyed and now his brain has recovered and cut that to the very least 30 and he has only been diagnosed and medicated and been off drugs and alcohol for 1 year now. Its hard when depression sinks in and you feel that nothing will ever get better. I do understand how you feel. Every now and then I do feel like killing myself and its hard to not think about ending everything thinking that everything will get better because you dont have to deal with it but, there is those who will feel the effect of your actions. Keep us posted and be safe.

Last night as I laid in bed, I had to keep myself from crying. I don't know why exactly. All these thoughts of everything kept racing through my head. I pictured killing myself, again and again. I cannot cope with the world. I smash my head against the wall so violently it makes me vomit. I don't deserve peoples sympathy. I do it to myself and thats what really hurts. Just me. I am always alone. No one really cares about me. I am impossible to get on with. In the end I will be alone and not care. I wish everything would go away and leave me alone. But there is no escaping from myself.

Everything goes wrong. I regret being born. I want to puke everything out. I don't want anyone in my life. I don't want to see tomorrow. I want to die. It is like an obsession. Every day, the same feeling. I am struggling for nothing. It is all killing me slowly. The pain is becoming unbearable.

I want you to PROMISE me that you will call a doctor immediately. Nobody deserves to be in such pain. I know it seems that death is the only way out, but then you will have NO opportunity to experience what life can be like without pain.

If you can spare just enough energy to make this one phone call, I shall be forever greatful.

In spite of the fact that you don't believe in God, I am going to pray for you anyway. Because I believe he loves you and he is watching out for you. And I want you to realize what a wonderful creation you are and how much happiness and potential you have in your life.

avman

My parents would have to set up an appointment with a doctor for me, because I believe I'm too young to do that myself. But they don't know the half of it. I'm too scared to tell them everything.

I'm sure it must be very frightening to you to think about telling your parents. But this is something any parent would want to know. They love you and they want to help you.

I know if any of my children were to come to me someday and tell me they were scared and they were hearing voices I wouldn't think ANY less of them. I'd be sprinting to the phone book to look up the help they needed and I'd do anything it took so that they started to feel better.

Parents (in general) truly want to help their children. It may be hard for you to believe, but they will likely be very understanding.

Do talk to them right away. They will not want you to hurt anymore either.

avman

I just don't know how to tell them. I am not close to them at all. I hardly speak to them, I hardly speak to anybody.

How about writing them a note? Or simply walk up to them and say "I know we aren't very close anymore, but I have something I need to tell you. Can we please talk about it?"

And then when they are willing to talk tell them "I feel like something is very wrong". And go through and talk about how you have been feeling, and that you are hearing voices, and are extremely suicidal. Just pour it out. Its ok if it doesn't make perfect sense. Let them help you sort through it.

I don't know if they would understand. I came very close to telling my mom about the voices at one point, but I didn't because I was afraid that she would get upset. The whole situation is just so complicated.

Yes, it is complicated. I understand that. But trust me, your mom will be MORE upset if someday she finds you dead and realizes you wanted and needed help and didn't get it.

PLEASE tell her. She loves you. She wants to help.