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Thread: Cant communicate

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb 2019

    Cant communicate

    Hi there,

    Need Advice.
    Here is what I just wrote my wife of 5 yrs.
    We have two kids, I own two businesses and I feel like I cant get her to understand me when i need help. We just fight.

    Hello Kelly,

    Long email alert but hopefully this is better then screaming and arguing or saying things I dont mean.

    You asked me for this email and what I need from you, so here it is.
    I will explain it and let you know why I am having issues.
    This isnt an attack but a effort to make things work.

    We are clearly going through some right now.
    I resent that and dont like it, it makes every aspect of our lives worse.
    I cant focus on work, I am depressed and cant be happy at home or in life in general.
    It adds unnecessary stress and anxiety to life.

    I want to make things better, however I feel as though no effort is made from you at times.
    It takes me losing my mind to see any changes or efforts. I E this week.

    My thoughts or requests are not respected, I have to beg and scream and yell to have u help me.

    When I sincerely need your help you dont put in the effort and go back to sleep, then yelled at me as Im dying and cause a full blown anxiety attack yesterday. This is ridiculous.
    No sincere apology still, expressing your regret and sadness for what I had to deal with.
    That hurts me more rhen you will ever know.

    When you need me I step up and handle things to help take your load off.
    Wether its financially or just to take the weight off your shoulders with the family.

    I need you to respect and love me.
    Accept my flaws at times as I do yours.
    Appreciate what I have done for our family.
    Give me a break as I bare all financial responsibilities / stresses of the family.
    Do you understand how hard that is?
    But Thats my job.

    I need you to cook, and clean within reason as you work until noon every day, and help where I cant. Is that too much? How can I help this?
    I can Meal prep with u on Sundays? I will do it if it helps.
    Ut I cant work 12 hes and come home to cook for everyone its not fair.

    You are quick to judge me and say I sleep in at times however I pay your wage and all bills, and send u money no matter what. Whenever you need.
    Thats my job in our family. I take it very seriously and never miss a beat.

    I moved us back home started a second blue collar company and am dealing with a large load every day that you dont even know about, you dont care to understand.
    You may see the problems at times but you dont feel them as I do, Your name
    Isnt on those bank debts, and every loss we take. Not the mortgage, or any vehicles.
    Not on any distributor. Its mine , my life and credit on the line.
    I have to make it through this alone, Even tyler doesnt gett it fully.
    This is a very lonely and sad spot to be.
    I bought this house alone with my savings and a loan which I Must bare.
    I went back to school and killed myself to get us a house we are proud of.
    I renovated myself and did what u wanted.
    I spent 25K of my money to start blue collar.
    I dont need to tell you what I do or have done.
    This isnt comparing these are facts.

    That does not mean I dont respect your responsibilities in this family.
    I do.
    However I dont ask you to handle my responsibilities, ever!
    other then what I pay you to do at work.
    I cook, clean, and do much more then what is in my job description as a father/Husband.
    But i feel as though its never good enough for you.
    This causes severe resentment, anxiety and anger.

    Next I feel as though you dont respect my wishes as a father; to better our kids.

    Parenting isnt easy so I understand we just both want the best for our kids and always seem to have differences in opinion.
    This is probably normal but we dont handle disputes well, and i feel as though its always ur way goes. This hurts and frustrates me.

    I see other families and they don't fight over everything like we do.
    Its sad.
    Everything doesnt have to be so anal! Every situation is not the end of the world.
    I get you want the best but you have to just go with the flow sometimes so we can be sain.

    I see changes and efforts from me, can you say you have done everything you can to make my life easier and more enjoyable?
    I can probably do better as well but im trying.

    Please Help us! What more can I do for you to make you just be easier to deal with, easier to ask u to help me when I need it without fighting? WE cant fight anymore.
    Its either fix the problems or break up.
    We both dont want that and instead of being there for each other we fight each other on every level, every discussion.
    Its childish and pathetic.
    (Not just your fault mine as well)

    My reason is resentment as I feel I bare 80% of the load in this family and constantly feel like a failure to you.

    What is your reason?
    How can we fix this?
    Do we make a schedule as what our responsibilities are in the family?

    What do you need from me, more then what I already do.

    Ilanna told me tonight she was floored at the bday party how I handled everything, and played w kids, served food and drinks and just went above and beyond.
    I feel as though thats just normal for me.
    Her words : I was shocked I have never seen a dad do that, I was so impressed!
    I appreciated that so much.
    I dont hear that from you.

    Do you see that?
    I dont feel you do.

    Please express to me your issues so we can help each other instead of constantly battling over a wake up or a dinner.

    It Doesn't need to be tomorrow but send me an email back and lets work this out.
    I am willing to go to a therapist alone I am willing to do councilling.
    I am willing.!!!! I am begging for something to help us.
    I admit my faults and try my best.

    I love you and want to be better together. I deal w anger and anxiety issues that make it harder for me to deal with this sometimes.
    Its my biggest cause of alot of pain.
    I apologize for my issues and when I let you down. Sincerely. I am sorry I always alologize when I act like an . You dont apologize 75% of the time and that doesnt work for me.

    What can we do here?
    Lets fix this before its too late.
    Instead of digging our hole deeper which will cripple our kids, We both know we need to change our ty attitudes in this relationship So lets act and get our together NOW!

    This is my side of the story, what is yours?
    Without attitude or petty shots please.

    I do Love you xooxxo
    We can make it through this but it takes two ppl wanting to make an effort.

    Q: for this forum:
    How do you communicate when your both emotional people and try your best.

    She comes from a bad childhood bad parents
    I come from good strong loving parents.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    First off that is an incredibly beautiful letter and I commend you for the time and effort you took to write that. This alone shows how much you care for your wife, your children, your family and the happiness and well being of all.

    It sounds like you each are in your corner, feeling needy and unfulfilled and are focused on what is wrong with little attention being paid to what is right. So, best advice I can give you about communicating when feeling very emotional and desperate, is to try and boil things down to just a few key messages or items and be very specific. So, if you could make a list of 3 things you need Kelly to do and she could make a list of the 3 most important things she wants you to do, or change, then start there, each of you agree to do 2 of the 3 things on the other person's list. It would be things like "have dinner ready by 6 pm" or "go to my parents with me every other Sunday" or " go to Church with me" or "take the kids for 90 mins every Sat so I can go and ..." or "kiss me when I leave the house"...whatever, but be very very specific.

    If you start with this, then defenses will start to soften and you will start to feel like you are both pulling in the same direction. Then after a month, do another list, by the time you get to the third time doing the list, you will hopefully have grown to a place where you can start to negotiate and talk out the bigger, less specific things ie: responsible spending, or child rearing techniques etc.

    By the time you get to the third list, you also should find a way to set aside some child free time to reconnect as lovers and best friends, even if its just a two hour walk in the park, but eventually that will need to be a weekend away every other month. The core of a healthy family, is a healthy couple.

    Lastly, you don't say the number and ages of your kids, but when I was a young Mom I was way more over whelmed than I was willing to admit, and I had the good fortune to be a stay at home Mom, still it was more physically, emotionally and mentally draining than I ever imagined it would be. One way, we go wrong is by forgetting what the other partner is enduring and by being focused only on our own burdens. So, when you make your list of 3 things you'd like the other to do, it can be a big help to also write down 3 things you appreciate the other person for doing, try to be very specific and connect it to a warm feeling it creates, ie: earning a good paycheck is a nice compliment but giving it meaning by saying, I appreciate I don't have to worry about having enough because you earn a good paycheck means more, or keeping the house clean is all the more meaningful if you add, I am always proud of our house because you do a great job of keeping it clean etc.

    If your wife did not come from good modelling in her family of origin, she will be feeling very overwhelmed with the parenting role, it may just as hard for her as the running of the businesses are for you. As much as I appreciate your letter, if I were your wife, I don't now exactly what it is you want me to do to help you feel more supported, you ask for appreciation of your efforts, but is it just verbal acknowledgement you are looking for? What specifically should she do?

    If you are not able to bridge your differences on your own, I hope you will seek the help of a professional marriage therapist, it can be hard to find the right one, hard to find the time, but very worthwhile. Best of luck to you! You have taken a critically important first step in writing your thoughts to her.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Feb 2019
    Thank you very much for your response.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb 2019
    I am not looking for verbal recognition. But more of I go the extra mile I need that in return.


  6. #5
    Join Date
    Feb 2019
    We are definitely going to see a therapist.
    She will understand the letter as We have both been clear on what we want.
    I am no saint by any means but i just want love and mutual respect

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Is your wife working for you? (you say you pay her wage) In a way it's smart that her name is not on anything in case of divorce (I guess she wouldn't get her hands on everything), but on the other hand it's like she's financially dependent on you, living on an allowance based system. But yes, if you're the breadwinner of the family and work so much, she needs to help. It seems as though she doesn't respect you anymore.

    Seeing the therapist is a good idea yes.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Keep reaching out to your wife, but expect defensiveness. She may think her burden is harder to bear than yours is.

    Unfair as it is, trying to equalize burdens is a difficult thing to do and subjective in measuring to boot.

    When my ex-wife were in the worst of our failing marriage we went to a MC. At the time the ex thought she was overburdened and I was some kind of ingrate, not appreciating "her" time.

    The MC had us write down all the things we did to support each other and the family--including time estimates.

    It was quite illuminating as they were then put side by side on a yellow legal pad.

    Household chores, child care, work commitments, and leisure time were all put on there.

    It turned out, that my ex spent more time screwing around than anything else. But she felt entitled to do so.

    She tried to say that despite dropping kids off at daycare that the time they were at the daycare was time she could count as being responsible for the kids.

    The MC tried to show both of us that the time we spent supporting each other and the family really needed to "count" more than leisure time.

    Once clearly shown to just having selfish time (during which she was cheating), the ex was dismissive of the whole exercise. Said the MC was just on my side.

    Obviously, my situation is not yours. However, the fight for time and splitting of responsibilities is universal.

    Some people get so immersed in their own interests that they lose sight of the shared goals.

    Chasing materialism can be negative as much as chasing leisure time.

    If you have to scale back professional efforts to avoid burn out is a legitimate thing to do. It's not 1949, there is no reason you have to do all the heavy lifting for the family professionally. just as there is no reason your wife has to play Susie Homemaker.

    However, fairness and reasonableness should trump selfish time.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    I see youíre frustrated. Who wanted the house and who wanted a house that requires you to pay as much as you seem to in a mortgage? Are the financial stresses getting to you? I would not send the email but read it to her as part of a face to face conversation. Also can you get more prepared foods and or someone to help clean?

  10. #9
    Join Date
    Feb 2019

    Cant communicate

    We both wanted house.
    Financial stresses are not over bearing, She works for me, but does not go above and beyond and rarely does what I need in work life. I feel as tho she treats it as a job she can do as she pleases.
    We fight abt tasks that I request or how they should be done.
    Incan deal with that.
    I dont mind cooking or cleaning but cant afford someone to do it for me. As it is not needed.
    I dont expect too much just an effort to start supper or prep a bit as shes home.
    If it were me I would have it done every day. Thats how i was raised,( plz understand i dont mean male or female responsibilities )
    I am not a male shovenist
    I just mean if i were home i would do it, as it doesnít take much time to prep something.
    Anyway at this point its just therapy we need.
    I tried speaking to her tonight, and there is no taking responsibility for her issues.
    I apologized for what i have done wrong and took ownership
    she blames me for reasons she canít do what i ask.
    I am so beyond hurt, we have 2 kids, I will do whatever it takes to make this work for our kids.

    Apologizing and taking responsibility is number one for me. It should be expected.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Marriage therapy would be a much better solution than attacking her with nasty innuendos about she "takes petty shots" and is "anal".

    It's your job to make an appt with a doctor to address any of your anxiety, stress, depression, etc. Also it's your job to ask for a referral for yourself to address all that and better stress management. Also you are threatening to "break up"? You mean divorce if she doesn't do as to you say and kowtow to your demands.

    It's all about how great you are, how sorry you feel for yourself and what a monster she is and how everything, including your stress is all her fault. To be honest you sound rather mentally abusive including that part about how she deserves your wrath because 'it's how you deal with the pain" (you accuse her of causing you).

    This attitude that you come from 'good and loving parents' and she comes from crap just underscores this manipulative amazingly narcissistic diatribe.

    Wow, just wow:
    Originally Posted by ericdrums
    -I have to beg and scream and yell to have u help me.
    -you dont put in the effort and go back to sleep
    -I need you to cook, and clean
    -I bought this house alone with my savings and a loan which I Must bare.
    -I went back to school and killed myself to get us a house we are proud of.
    -I cook, clean, and do much more then what is in my job description as a father/Husband.
    -Everything doesnt have to be so anal!
    -I see changes and efforts from me, can you say you have done everything you can to make my life easier and more enjoyable?
    -Its either fix the problems or break up.
    -I always alologize when I act like an . You dont apologize 75% of the time and that doesnt work for me.
    -This is my side of the story, what is yours?
    -Without attitude or petty shots please.

    She comes from a bad childhood bad parents
    I come from good strong loving parents.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 02-10-2019 at 07:45 AM.

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