I(27F) am struggling to move on after I pestered him (29M) and he blocking me.

It all started badly when he took me on a terrible date a year before we started dating. He showed up very drunk and ended up taking me to a bar that him and his ex would frequent. She was there at the time and her and her friend went out of the way to sabotage the date (she kept stopping over to talk, and chatted with him outside when he was having a cigarette,etc). I had my final straw when he left me at the bar for 15 minutes and I told him I was leaving he simply shrugged. A year later he got in touch to apologise for this saying that he was drinking heavily at the time and was also addicted to benzos so he wasn't in a good place. I accepted his apology and we became friends, hanging out lots and talking almost everyday via messenger. Out of nowhere he confessed that he had strong feelings for me, that he had never been so attracted to anyone in his life and that he really loves being around me. He said he had been trying to get it out of his mind for a while but he just couldn't and it had been driving him crazy. I told him that I was very attracted to him too and had been feeling the same (because I really had and was trying to repress it) and he said he really wants to make me happy and he won't screw it up this time.

For the 2 months we were dating things were going really well, except his ex girlfriend and him were close friends still and she would behave in ways that I considered disrespectful (i.e., messaging him to ask to come over to use his washing machine and telling him 'she can wait' when he said he was busy and making fun of me behind my back). I wanted to make sure that a rerun of the previous experience wouldn't happen again, so I asked him if we were to get into a relationship later on, whether he would be able to set boundaries with her behaviour and he didn't really give me much reassurance. After that, we organised a date to go out and that night he was very emotionally distant and made some jokes about that I found hurtful. I expressed that this upset me he said that I am too 'intense' and that I am dramatic and he hates drama.The day after that date, we were texting and he was really cold again. I told him some story about something stupid and he said 'I don't see how that's relevant'. I told him that although it was probably a dumb story, I didn't appreciate him talking to me like that and he went on to say that he is a 'jerk' and is going to get '100 percent jerkier' and if I want to continue dating him, I have to be ok with this. He expressed that he needs to be with a girl who will put him back in his place when he acts like this and not be so sensitive and that he is likely to get meaner when he drinks. Deep down, I know this is not the relationship I want to be in so we agreed to end it there.

It was a terrible decision, but we agreed to stay friends with one another and communicated via Facebook messenger. We'd get into this routine where we'd chat like we used to before we got romantically involved, then one of us would confess to each other that we still had feelings for each other, we'd both agree that we found talking was making it difficult and to give each other some space until we were ok to talk again. After that agreement, I would get this overwhelming need to talk to him. The need to speak to him was very intense and I'd break the agreement and cave in. I would then realise that I needed more time, I'd apologise and I'd back off. This cycle went on for about a month and each of these discussions were spaced around a week to two weeks apart. During every one of these discussions he never raised having an issue with me reaching out and seemed kind of engaged and entertained during these discussions as there was a lot of banter and back and forth. He even told me that I can break the contact rule at any time if I was in a bad place and needed someone to talk to because he still 'really cares' for me.

After the last agreement for no contact, I caved in and got in touch to tell him that I really wish we were able to make it work and that I was struggling to move on. He responded saying that he feels exactly the same and that something deep down makes him want to say, 'stuff it lets just be together' and that he never expected he would develop feelings for someone like he did with me but he knows because of his drinking, it would be catastrophic for both of us as every relationship he has just ends bad and he has a lot of growing up to do. He also said that because he needs to get a new job as he hasn't been able to hold a job down long enough for 7 years, he can't stuff it up for himself. Two days passed with no discussion between us and I continued the conversation. He said that he was just drunk when he wrote that stuff to me, he doesn't even remember saying these things about his feelings for me, as they are no longer there for him anymore. I tried to engage further and he ignored my messages, which set me off to ask him if he was ignoring me.

After two days, I wrote in to apologise for bombarding him with those messages and he told me that he is done talking with me now and doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore because I keep getting in touch even though he asked me not to and I keep asking the same questions and it keeps going around in circles and he just wants to have some peace. He said that he has told me time and time again not to communicate with him (however he never once did express this), he has tried to be polite and has tried to respond to my messages but he doesn't know how else he can tell someone that he doesn't want to talk to them. I apologised profusely to him as I felt terrible for misreading the situation and overstepping his boundaries. I felt so ashamed by this and begged him not to end it on such sour terms and he told me that it's the only way and he can't help how I feel. I asked him if this is really what he wants and he said 'there is another question, I told you to stop communicating with me, yet you still keep going'. I then expressed that I will respect his decision to stop interacting and apologised for all of this. He read my last message, ignored it and then deleted me off all social media.​Anyway... Two months after he messaged me telling me he was truly sorry for everything and that even though it is no excuse, he was in a bad place and that he was a 'pig' and a piece of **** and that he hopes I am doing well. I WAS doing really well at the time and told him that I appreciated his apology and that i was wishing him all the best. I ENDED IT ON SUCH A GOOD NOTE AND HAD ALL THE CLOSURE I NEEDED, IT WAS GREAT!!!! Anyway, things went bad when I was trialing a new medication. I know that he struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts and I was worried about him. I had this compulsion to write to him and tell him that if he is in a dark place again, he can reach out to me and I will be there for him because I still care. He wrote back saying 'likewise' and asked me how I am. I told him I am fine, in return he told me he was good as he got a new job at his favourite liquor store. From there I told him that I don't think we should start talking again incase things get nasty again, but I want him to know that I am there if he needs someone.

The day after I read that conversation and it felt like he was trying to engage with me and that maybe he still had feelings. So these overwhelming feelings for him returned and I wrote back to him again telling him I still have feelings for him and it has been eating me up, after everything that happened and its bad. He responded saying "sorry....It was my fault for messaging. Don't feel bad x". I then told him that I know it will pass, but the contact just brought it on and that I am keen to just put it behind me. He then said 'yeah....best to not talk or we'll just go around in circles. Sorry I shouldn't have messaged...I messed up. I think we should just block all contact from here'. I apologised for being such a nuisance and he said 'No I was the nuisance, It all got ugly and it was my fault for being so selfish. Take care and I hope we cross paths one day and everything's ok. x'

From there he actually blocked me on messenger and I didn't get a chance to respond back. I was so ashamed that he actually blocked me and I felt so awful and embarrassed that he viewed me as such a pest that he thought blocking me was the only way that he could get rid of me. I felt like I was a stalker or that I had been harassing him or some repulsive head case ex. I am still feeling so ashamed and ridiculous for behaving this way and am so frustrated that I haven't been able to move on from these feelings.

Not only that, when he wrote in apologising profusely during our last discussion he was so kind and considerate so it made me rethink whether he was really as bad as I originally thought he was and if maybe our short lived relationship gave him a push to reconsider himself and change for the better and become an entirely good guy, like he was during the nice parts of that relationship.

If anyone could provide some supportive insight into this to help me come to terms with the situation and move on that would be really appreciated!

You too should block and delete him and all his people from all messaging apps and social media.

As long as you keep chasing this jerk, you are preventing yourself from dating decent guys who don't get drunk, are hooked on drugs, hang out with exes and basically treat you like dirt.

Close this chapter. Consider therapy to explore your self esteem and develop an idea of what healthy men and healthy relationships look like.

he said 'No I was the nuisance, It all got ugly and it was my fault for being so selfish. Take care and I hope we cross paths one day and everything's ok. x' From there he actually blocked me on messenger and I didn't get a chance to respond back.

I don't understand why you had anything to do with this creep, after that first date. That was a clear indicator of who he is. An azzhole!

He has addiction issues, is emotionally abusive and is still attached to the ex- she has priority over you. Why did any of this ever look good to you? He treated you like sh*t! He does not care about or respect you at all. And, he is certainly no prize. he sounds like a complete loser!

Block and delete, and get some therapy. Your self esteem is in the toilet.

Lastly, there is nothing to move on from.

Well, this is why we recommend that people who break up go total No Contact. That means to block, delete and erase all phone numbers, social media accounts, and so forth. This is so you won't be endlessly texting back and forth when you know it won't lead anywhere and will only torture you both further.

You said you were on medication. Do you have OCD or some other compulsive disorder? Perhaps you should talk to your doctor or therapist about your behavior because it doesn't seem like it's under control. And I'm sure you're not helping his depression by endlessly bothering him, so please consider that too.

You just have to STOP CONTACTING HIM. Move on with your life. Hang out with your friends and distract yourself with other activities. Find another boy to date. Work with a therapist if you need help moving on.

Well, this is why we recommend that people who break up go total No Contact. That means to block, delete and erase all phone numbers, social media accounts, and so forth. This is so you won't be endlessly texting back and forth when you know it won't lead anywhere and will only torture you both further.

 

You said you were on medication. Do you have OCD or some other compulsive disorder? Perhaps you should talk to your doctor or therapist about your behavior because it doesn't seem like it's under control. And I'm sure you're not helping his depression by endlessly bothering him, so please consider that too.

 

You just have to STOP CONTACTING HIM. Move on with your life. Hang out with your friends and distract yourself with other activities. Find another boy to date. Work with a therapist if you need help moving on.

No, it was for depression...Did you really think my behaviour was that out of control?

Also, I have no means of contacting him as he's blocked me. I have a lot of stuff in my life to do and do see a therapist regularly, unfortunately it's easier said than done.

The saying goes "When a guy tells you who he is, believe him"... and he has been telling you repeatedly who he is, right from Day One. This is not a guy who is capable of having a loving relationship with anyone, so don't even try - even though he may have phases of being pleasant from time to time.

In fact, by blocking you he has actually done you a favour since it will be much more difficult to get in touch with him, and start the whole painful merry-go-round again.

Unfortunately, I've never found therapy actually helps with this kind of addictive dysfunctional relationship - though it can be enormously useful in healing much of the trauma caused in the family of origin. Given that he has issues around alcohol consumption, you would qualify for membership of Alanon, and if there are CoDA meetings local to you, you may find those useful as well - it's just that the behaviour you describe on both your sides is fairly typical of alcoholics and those who are involved with them. Speaking from personal experience, I found that attendance at 12-Step meetings resolved issues which decades of therapy totally failed to touch... and they're free! There would also be the advantage of much support from other members should you feel tempted to go back, or try to pursue him again.

Another thought is that if you suffer from depression, it may be that this "relationship" provides all the colour in your life, and until and unless you find an alternative source of excitement, you will continue to crave contact with him.

So... my advice to you is to look at the situation honestly, ask yourself what you're really gaining from trying to engage with this guy, and either recognise it's a negative payoff which you can safely dump, or whether there's something positive which you can gain more healthily from other sources. This is where therapy really comes into its own.

Good luck!