Lack of intimacy

I've been with my fiancé (28 year old) for 2 years and a half (on and off long distance). I'm 23 year old. On these 2 years and a half, we have lived together on and off for around 8 or 9 months.

My boyfriend is a very good guy. He works hard. He is loving and caring. We do have some issues in term of sex though.

When i went to live with him last summer after about a year LD, our sex life started as normal. We did it every 2 days in average. It decreased drastically very quickly for no reason and during my last month there, it was around 3 times a month.

I went back home. Then one month after, my BF came to live with me. He stayed a few months. He was really depressed/stressed/ due to his work and health. Basically he got diagnosed with diabetes and his job relied on his health. So he lost his job. It was a lot of stress for him. Our sex life was back to almost non-existant (a couple of times a month). I discussed the issue with him and said he just had a very low sex drive and was ashamed of it. He said it was nothing about me and that it was just the way it is.

I accepted to just try to avoid the issue for a bit because he was in a very low mental state and that was not the priority. We did have very good time together and he hugged me a lot instead. He proposed at Christmas time and we were looking forward to 2018. The good new is that he got a new job. He moved back away from me and he is very happy with what he is doing for a living. It is his dream job. So, from january 2018 until may, we were back LD. We made it works quite well during these 4 months apart. We have a good communication. Once we fought and he told me he was scared that we would never close the distance and that he wanted an adventurous girlfriend that would not be scared to move for him and to go on a road trip if he wanted. This conversation hurt me quite a bit as the only reason why I am not the adventurous girlfriend he wants is because I'm a full time student who is quite poor. I do not have the means to leave everything for a road trip. Moreover, one of the only reasons he wants an adventurous girlfriend is because he is not willing to move to where I am. So he wants me to be adventurous enough to do it.

This conversation puts me on my guard a bit to be honest because I felt like I was not enough for him even though I propose every activities we make together. I do have dreams too but we usually do what he wants to do..

Im back to his place now. I've been here for the last 3 weeks. We get along well, but the sex is rare. We had sex 3 times up to now. I try to initiate it but he just says he is too tired or it is too hot to cuddle. He does hug me a lot and throughout the day he sends me signals that he would want to have sex but there is nothing that happens.

I'm not an ugly woman. I mean, I am not the most beautiful person on earth but I do not have a lot of fat on me and I'm quite fit. I try to take care of how I look a bit. I do not think he is cheating on me either. He is quite open in terms of all his social medias and stuff. So I am not sure what is the problem. I do not think he will ever consider asking a doctor about a possible hormonal problem.

I'm more sexual than him obviously. So this affects me. I tend to think the problem is me or my body. So when we do have sex, I'm probably a bit more self conscious about how I look (especially since he never takes off my shirt). I never come either which is something I'm struggling with. We do a bit of foreplay but not enough and when we come to the penetration, i'm still too dry to enjoy it fully. By the time i start to enjoy it, it is almost over and when it is over, it is over for him.

I'm starting to not feel good about sex at all. I never had any other sexual partner. So im not sure if I am the problem. In any way, it does affect my self esteem. I wonder what is wrong with me but I do not want to leave him for sex. I mean there are other things more important in life than sex tbh.

I would like to suggest him to do it more often but I am not sure how to raise the issue again without hurting him. Im not sure what I should do. I just came here to have a few opinions on the subject.

Medication for depression - if he's on it - and also diabetes itself can have a very damaging effect on sexual response in men, and it could be that there are physical reasons for his lack of interest which are nothing to do with you.

If you're sure that he would never consider asking a doctor about his lack of sexual interest, then you need to accept that this is what you will be getting from him, now and in the future. Sure, there are other things in life which are more important than sex; there's also nothing wrong with having a sexless relationship if you BOTH have a very low sex drive. However, from your post it sounds as though you are feeling quite unhappy about the situation, but trying to rationalise it to yourself.

If you feel as though you could tolerate this situation for the rest of your life, and that the good parts of the relationship outweigh the area of intimacy, then carry on as you are. You will need to resign yourself that you are with someone who is not very interested in sex and is not willing to address this.

Otherwise... gently detach from him, find someone who is willing to let your dreams be as important as theirs, doesn't expect you to make all the running when it comes to keeping the relationship going - and is on the same page as you sexually.

He does not take any medication for depression. I have heard that diabetes could be linked with low testosterone and low sex drive though.

I think that both his health condition and the way he feels about his performance could impact the low sex drive. I try to make him understand that I do enjoy it when we are intimate but I think he believes i do not enjoy it. So it makes it even harder.

I am still young and I would like to enjoy my sex life a bit more than I do right now, but we both love each other a lot and we are a good team together. So i do not think sex is a reason to throw everything away (in my case).

I appreciate your help and comment a lot. Thank you :)

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I am still young and I would like to enjoy my sex life a bit more than I do right now, but we both love each other a lot and we are a good team together. So i do not think sex is a reason to throw everything away (in my case).

 

I appreciate your help and comment a lot. Thank you :)

If at 23 and 2 the intimacy has drifted rapidly to almost zero, you have a choice to make. Do you want to go your whole life unsatisfied? Year after year?

Or accept that there is an incompatibility.

You only get one life. Hard as it may be, parting should be an option.

No i do not want to go my whole life unsatisfied. Im just not sure how to raise the issue with my boyfriend. I tried a few time to discuss it with him but it never really changed anything as he seems to close himself when I talk about it. He also once told me that most of the time he does want it but is just too lazy (kind of a bad excuse).

I do feel love with him but i do not feel desired. This is what is hard.

You are feeling a normal response for a healthy person, so do not beat yourself up for that.

He is not likely to change.

Hope you solve this.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like there is too much relationship difficulties and incompatibilities and all the long distance back and forth is taking it's toll on things. Stop telling him you think it's a hormone problem, at 28/y/o that would be the least of the possibilities considering the diabetes and chronic arguments about who moves to whom, only seeing each other a few months here and there, not to mention you being a student as well as sexually inexperienced. Is the lack of orgasm only with him?

I never come either which is something I'm struggling with. I never had any other sexual partner.