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Thread: Do I tell her my feelings or not?

  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2017

    Do I tell her my feelings or not?

    So this is more of a question. Im a female and quite recently i came out to 3 close friends about being bi and they were very accepting and stuff. 1 of which was the girl I am crushing on(The other 2 know its her). I told her first while TRYING (failed) to tell her that i liked her and well that was a whole nother thing (It was my previous thread) I nvr did get to tell her my feelings for her but she sort of gave me an answer. When i told her i had a crush on a girl she responded with "as long as its not me or that would RUIN another FRIENDSHIP". So yeah I didnt tell her after cause it was no point I had my answer. I had to spend a lot of time with her today with a third person. But this friday I will have to spend alot of time with her alone. I am trying my best to get over her but i was crushing on her for a year now and it is kinda difficult to get over someone who is kinda touchy and doesnt realise it and someone who is one of my closest friends. I really do want to get over her but I cant no matter what I try I always think of her again. Its frustrating when I cant control all these emotions. At first the biggest reason I didnt tell her was because her life is very complicated and messy and me telling her would make it worse.(she has said that having me around to talk about these things is nice cause she doesnt really trust anyone else.Me telling her would change that) 2 reason was because she n I are in the same friends group (4). What makes me want to tell her now is because all these have changed. She has a new very close best friend she could talk to. And she has moved away from our friend group( other reasons). It has been 2 months since she told me that me having a crush on her would ruin the friendship and now I am determined to get over her after this friday. If I tell her my feelings atleast she will stop being touchy and I can can peace knowing Its over for good. But I know her reaction and I might just lose a really good friend. If i dont tell her i have to live in silence about my feelings and keep feeling hurt when she does certain things till my feelings EVENTUALLY die off. And I get to keep my friend. To summarise if I tell her I will get closer and get over it but lose a friend in the process. If dont tell her I have deal with always being hurt due to the feelings but I get to keep my friend. If I tell her or dont tell her after this Friday I want to live with my deccsion. Do I tell her how I feel (to get over her but lose a friend) or Do I Keep it to myself(to keep on getting hurt but keep my friend)?????DO I TELL HER OR NOT?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    You seem pretty self aware. Especially navigating your sexuality and friendships. Everyone has crushes on people at some time in their lives that they can't date or that the feelings are not mutual. This is no different. She's already told you it would jeopardize the friendship. Have you joined any LGBT groups? Or tried same sex dating apps? That may be a better way to form the type of relationships you are exploring/looking for than crossover in a small friend group, no?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    When i told her i had a crush on a girl she responded with "as long as its not me or that would RUIN another FRIENDSHIP"
    You seem like a smart enough gal, so I have to assume that you in fact know that she knew at that moment you were referring to her. It was basically her saying, "Don't do this right now."

    I'm not gay, so I admit it's a bit harder to relate (your peer group being the sex you're attracted to), but if I had a friend who was a lesbian, who I knew was attracted to other women, it'd be pretty unfair for me to push my crush on her. And if I did have such a crush and it was leaving me at an emotional deficit, I'd scale back my exposure to her, at the very least as it pertained to 1:1 situations. And that's not meant to complicate it into some same-sex attraction dynamic. Any friend who has expressed something along the lines yours has is one you then unfortunately have to decide whether you can handle hanging out with platonically.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Have you considered option C, don't tell her and do a slow fade from the friendship?


  6. #5
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Ooooo i was in a similar situation and i can relate. I talked about it in one if my previous posts.

    I will summarise my experience and i hope it will help you. This episode in my life is still close to my heart and i am worried i might be projecting onto u, so that's why i think it's best to tell you just my experience.

    I had a crush on a girl for a year and i really liked her. We became close friends. Like you, i had reasons for not confessing my feelings... initially. But unlike you, i couldn't hold it in afte a while and told my feelings. She rejected me but was happy to continue being a close friend.

    I kept trying to be a friend. I really enjoyed our connection and it was fun. But. Just like you, it hurt when she touched me. I had to pretend not to stare too much at her etc.

    Some things are nice until it stopped being nice... or too painful to bear. I was advised not to cut her off as only cowards did that.

    But after a year, i realise i was still attracted and it was tiring to continue suppressing my attraction. She had her own friends to rely on emotionally.

    I realised i was bullting. I wanted her as more than a friend. Pretending to be just a friend was a lie. Pretending to not be attracted and suppressing my attraction was too much. So i ended the friendship.

    I heard later that, when we were friends, she was confused and a bit upset as to why i was always seemed so distant from her compared to other friends. If only she knew i was working hard to suppress my attraction!

    I am happier now. Living a more authentic life.

    My own experiences :)

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