I just don't understand anymore

If you've happened to read my previous posts, you probably have a good understanding of who I am: a failed musician living a somewhat pathetic life, but remains positive, and happy go lucky regardless of the situation. From the outside, I'm a happy, somewhat inspirational hippie, but from the inside I'm just sort of a broken mess of confusion.

 

It sounds pathetic, but I have never had a relationship or had sex before. Every single woman I have somehow fallen for has crushed me, and in a strange way I don't blame them. Maybe I am just a pathetic nobody and they deserve better. I try so hard to keep those thoughts out of my head, but all practical evidence I've seen points back to that. I don't know if I'm feeling lonely or what exactly it is I'm feeling, but whatever this is is eating away at my soul. I've learned that a persons life is worth nothing if it cant be shared with someone. So i guess that puts me into that category.... Looking back on the past few years of my life, nothing much has changed, I'm still as alone as ever, and I'm beginning to wonder what the point is in living anymore.

 

And the more confusing part is that since relationships are such a foreign concept to me, I'm not even sure what I want. Since I'm always single and never have ever had an opportunity to change that, I automatically assume that I just want to keep it that way. But I also need sex, of course. I try to tell myself that I just want a fwb type of relationship with someone and nothing more, but I'm not sure if I want that even. I have no idea what I want anymore but I know as a fact that I need something.

 

Before anyone asks, yes, I've tried online dating, and it didn't work out at all. My friends always tell me they'll help "set me up" or something like that, but they never do. I guess they just all assume that I'm a lost cause at this point. I have a history of substance abuse problems, and as happy as I am to be drug free, I never had this type of emotional problems during my days of using.

 

Also another confession to make, I am slightly autistic so I guess I just don't understand these types of interactions. I have no idea how to interact with a stranger and have it lead to a romantic thing. I dont even know what flirting or smooth talking is supposed to be. How do people just seem to meet compatible matches left and right while I can't even once in my life meet someone I can form a relationship with? Is it just luck of the draw or am I just cursed? I do everything they say to do to meet someone, I'm open, I go out, I put myself out there, I'm friendly and social, etc. I just don't get it.

 

I've never once been around a healthy relationship, so perhaps I've just built up a subconscious fear of it that I try to hide from. Sorry this post makes no sense, I'm just lost and needed to vent a little.

I am: a failed musician living a somewhat pathetic life, but remains positive, and happy go lucky regardless of the situation.

 

Your dramatic language doesn't sound very positive or happy to me. It's part of your self talk, so it drills you into a deeper hole to climb out of.

 

I'd skip that and make it my new year's resolution to quit speaking of yourself that way, even to yourself. That's the foundational dynamic I changed at the prompting of a coach hired where I work. This change in my critical self talk changed just about everything else in my life experiences, because it changed the way that I frame them and approach them.

 

In what ways did online dating not work out well for you? Did you attempt to create 'relationships' online, or did you use the apps the way people use them today--to set up 'quick meets' rather than full dates?

I was going to say you sound a little autistic and then you said it yourself in the second to last paragraph. I think you need to work with a professional counselor to help you pick up on emotional and behavioral cues that people are giving off. It may be why you can't connect with anyone because you can't read the cues. Typically, nerdy type girls are attracted to boys with autism. Maybe you need to look for a certain type of girl so you're not wasting your time and you're narrowing the field of possible candidates. Otherwise, you might try to enlist a friend of yours to be a wingman for you who can do introductions with girls he thinks might like you. That way you use a neurotypical guy to read the cues for you. All it takes is finding one girl who likes you and you can be set for life. Don't give up.

You only have this life so best to work on it. You say you are positive, happy go lucky but you use the word ‘pathetic’ twice in a couple of sentences to describe yourself. Theres self loathing there.

 

You havent had sex or a girlfriend. They arent things to define yourself by.

 

Get some professional help to work through your issues and try online dating again. Only through meeting people and practice can you learn how to interact with ppl.

 

Good luck with it. Who knows how you’ll go but the journey might be fun!

I've learned that a persons life is worth nothing if it cant be shared with someone. .

Where did you learn this?

Among the other negative self talk you do, erase this from your list because it's not true.

I can't quote you statistics at the moment but there are far more single people than coupled or married.

 

You have friends, family and coworkers, correct? Then you are sharing your life with someone.

It may not be a romantic relationships, but having never had one I can tell you for certain that life is valuable either way.

 

It's up to you how you want to live it or define it.

There are dating websites specifically for people on the autistic spectrum; I work with adults with ASD and find that, generally, even if they don't pick up on the subtle visual clues that neurotypical people give out, they are VERY straightforward - so being among people who share your experience may make the whole process easier for you.

 

Whatever, please stop tell yourself you're pathetic... you really aren't, you know!

If you've happened to read my previous posts, you probably have a good understanding of who I am: a failed musician living a somewhat pathetic life, but remains positive, and happy go lucky regardless of the situation. From the outside, I'm a happy, somewhat inspirational hippie, but from the inside I'm just sort of a broken mess of confusion.

 

It sounds pathetic, but I have never had a relationship or had sex before. Every single woman I have somehow fallen for has crushed me, and in a strange way I don't blame them. Maybe I am just a pathetic nobody and they deserve better. I try so hard to keep those thoughts out of my head, but all practical evidence I've seen points back to that. I don't know if I'm feeling lonely or what exactly it is I'm feeling, but whatever this is is eating away at my soul. I've learned that a persons life is worth nothing if it cant be shared with someone. So i guess that puts me into that category.... Looking back on the past few years of my life, nothing much has changed, I'm still as alone as ever, and I'm beginning to wonder what the point is in living anymore.

 

And the more confusing part is that since relationships are such a foreign concept to me, I'm not even sure what I want. Since I'm always single and never have ever had an opportunity to change that, I automatically assume that I just want to keep it that way. But I also need sex, of course. I try to tell myself that I just want a fwb type of relationship with someone and nothing more, but I'm not sure if I want that even. I have no idea what I want anymore but I know as a fact that I need something.

 

Before anyone asks, yes, I've tried online dating, and it didn't work out at all. My friends always tell me they'll help "set me up" or something like that, but they never do. I guess they just all assume that I'm a lost cause at this point. I have a history of substance abuse problems, and as happy as I am to be drug free, I never had this type of emotional problems during my days of using.

 

Also another confession to make, I am slightly autistic so I guess I just don't understand these types of interactions. I have no idea how to interact with a stranger and have it lead to a romantic thing. I dont even know what flirting or smooth talking is supposed to be. How do people just seem to meet compatible matches left and right while I can't even once in my life meet someone I can form a relationship with? Is it just luck of the draw or am I just cursed? I do everything they say to do to meet someone, I'm open, I go out, I put myself out there, I'm friendly and social, etc. I just don't get it.

 

I've never once been around a healthy relationship, so perhaps I've just built up a subconscious fear of it that I try to hide from. Sorry this post makes no sense, I'm just lost and needed to vent a little.

You need to know that things weren't just your fault for not working out in previous attempts. When you are trying something you have never done, had or seen its intimidating. Try getting know someone well first. Then being revealing more personal things about your self. Open yourself up. Let go of all your fears and expectations and allow yourself to be you and let your guard down so someone can begin to know you and want you to know them that way as well. Its not a fast process usually. There is someone out there for you. Just relax and know there is notjong wrong with you.

What are you doing to make yourself more of a catch? What activities are you doing to make yourself more available to women?

 

I'm an oblivious person too, but my wife just plain snagged me. I barely had a choice in the matter.

Just went through your post history--you are only 20. You're not a failed anything yet. A LOT of people your age are still virgins. There's plenty of hope for you. Your problem right now is your mindset about yourself more than anything else.