He’s Not Attracted to Me.. What Should I Do?

Hi all- I don’t know what to do. My husband and I were talking and somehow my body became the discussion topic. He said that I should get a boob job or get boobs like the IG model he was looking at on his phone. I was disappointed. I’ve always talked about getting my boobs done or a tummy tuck. But I never felt so bad about myself that I felt like that was an actual reality. I’ve always been insecure about our relationship. We’ve been together for 10 years this January, but I still feel like he’s out of my league. I’m not the prettiest and I’m well overweight. I’ve always been this way which is why I never understood why he wanted to be with me in the 1st place. I’ve come to the conclusion, and he agrees, that it’s because he’s on the shorter side. So he’s short, I’m fat, but I still feel like he could do much better than me. If only on the physical aspect. Anyhow, the reason why I’m writing this post goes back to the 1st conversation we had when he was looking on IG. So I told him I didn’t understand how he could tell me he loves my body and the way it looks, but at the same time have nothing but thin waisted, big butt and boobs on his IG feed. None of these women look like me in the least. The only thing we have in common is we all have a vagina. And then he said he has to lie to me about it. And I was hurt. I’m thinking “Duh”! In fact, just this week I was thinking to myself “wow, my husband is so great and loves me so much. His world revolves around me”. All along I was wondering what in the world is wrong with this man that would let him be so attracted to me. Turns out he was never attracted in the 1st place. I suppose I already knew all of this but to hear him admit it hurt my feelings. I knew that everything we have was too good to be true. Turns out it’s not true at all. I still know he loves me. But Is it horrible that I don’t just want him to love me for my personality but I was him to lust me too? He apologized, but the apology was more because it made me feel, but certainly not because he said something he didn’t mean. He said exactly what he meant so he felt bad for it. But I just can’t bring myself to just get over it. My weight has always been a constant struggle my entire life. I can’t even keep track of how many diets ive been on. Needless to say it’s something I still struggle with as a grown woman. I thought that I was so lucky to find someone who actually loved the way I looked....

Should I try to lose weight? Should I be upset? Should pretend like it never happened? I’m lost.

When you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth to someone, you've already lost your value. Just some food for thought...

 

At any rate, I'd tell him if he cant accept you for who you are, there's the door. He'll either sink or swim, yet you'll have your answer.

Well YOU may think he is "out of your league" but clearly you have a lot more going for you than he does because he sounds like a total jerk. I have no tolerance for men who comment on other women (NEVER MIND THEIR OWN PARTNERS) bodies in a negative way. Ok I get it if your partner is suddenly reverting to unhealthy behavior and becomes morbidly obese over night.... yes you can express concern and want them to work on themselves so they can be healthier and feel better etc. But no man needs to critique a womans body. That is unacceptable .

 

Any women can get plastic surgery and have the typical instagram model body. The truth of the matter is we all KNOW that body is not real, the men who drool over them know it as well as us women do. No women comes out with a teeny tiny waist, huge perky perfect breasts and a Kim Kardashian butt. Every woman has their body image issues and struggles. Comparing ourselves does nothing but drive us into insanity!!!

 

I will be the first to say there are a lot of things on me I don't like and I def get jealous of models etc I am sure my bf looks at them in privacy but he has the decency to boost up my insecurities. He is the first to tell me how good I look without makeup etc and I cannot imagine him ever telling me to look like another women. If he did, I think that would be a serious deal breaker.

 

Men have some serious audacity. Those IG models would want nothing to do with him in reality, and he's lucky a women is even giving him the time of day considering he says idiotic and misogynistc comments like comparing his S/O's body to surgically enhanced models. I would call him out on that for sure. That is not appropriate under any circumstances and I know for a fact you are a beautiful women. Weight does not matter. The love of your life will LOVE your body!! I know women who are very overweight and their partners LOVE it, having some extra pounds is nothing to be worried about. Find someone who likes what you are and loves you always. My mother has put on so much weight from when she began dating my dad, and their love is still going so strong! He treats her like a queen and I can't imagine him ever putting her down. Those type of comments are totally inapprpriate.

 

Next time turn some porn on and say "I wish you were tall like that guy" or "I wish your d***k was as big as his" and see his reaction :)

Where is your self-worth, OP?

 

You need to work on yourself, first and foremost. And by that I mean that you need to start rebuilding your self-esteem because it's very clear you don't value yourself very much at all. You should never be in a relationship thinking "This person is only with me because he's short" or "I can't understand why he is with me" or "He is out my league."

 

Next, I would seriously reconsider whether you want to or should stay married to him. He doesn't sound like a very kind person whatsoever.

I’m sorry you’re going through this; I know I’d be hurt if my wife said she was never attracted to me.

 

If you want to lose weight, do it...but do it only for you. If you’re going to do it to try and impress him, you’re setting yourself up for failure. If he’s into thin waisted fake chested women (who would probably never even give him the time of day) then ask yourself if simply losing weight for him would satisfy him. Exercise and lose weight for yourself. Do it to improve yourself and make yourself healthy, if you choose to do so.

OP

 

Right now im feeling at my ugliest with now too much hair loss where Im practically going bald. Im very overweight on top of it and my boyfriend tells me Im still beautiful.

 

You need someone to lift you up no matter what. Not compare you to others!

Set him straight OP.

 

 

Youre beautiful if anything your out of his league! He should be so lucky.

You should lose the weight. Not to please him but to please yourself because you clearly don't like the way you look so why not change that and start to feel better about your physical self. Once you've started weight watchers or nutrisystem or any of the other diet plans out there, work on loving your inner child (google how to nurture your inner child for info on that). Work on you and forget about what he looks at or what he has to say about them. Do self-improvement for you... not him and you'll be able to have the confidence you are currently lacking about yourself. YOU CAN DO IT.

 

Turns out he was never attracted in the 1st place. I suppose I already knew all of this but to hear him admit it hurt my feelings.

Did he actually say that he was never attracted to you in the first place or did you just assume that just because he said "he had to lie to you." (what exactly did he mean by that, did you ask him?). Surely the man loves you and is attracted to you or he'd be out the door. People don't look at the same type they have at home... they look at different (usually) because it's about visual variety. I know that the men I look at are different then my husband. If I want to see someone of his body type and physique then I look at him in person. ; )

 

I'm curious though. You say you have always wanted a boob job and a tummy tuck. Have you told him this, dwelled on it with him and so perhaps he was just telling you what he thought you wanted him to say? Had you maybe asked him if you should get those things done?

I think a relationship without mutual attraction is bound to fail.

 

Weight and body image are very sensitive and political subjects. Daringly I go forth. I've been losing weight for years. The more I would lose the more women I attracted. I lost weight for my health and well being. And yes, to see if I would be more attractive. And as I became more fit, I would get more confidence, and I was able to date more women I found attractive. I want to stress my motivation was mostly internal. I was more concerned with blood pressure and running pace then I was how I looked. But there's no denying I enjoyed the new found attention. That's my long way of saying, it never hurts to lose weight. But you have to do it for the right reason. And to keep this man happy, is not a good reason. It would be about him, it has to be about you. Throw away diets, just eat better, move more, and be patient. Diets never work.

I agree that diets never work or they are only temporary and the weight is quickly gained back. You have to make your new way of eating a LIFESTYLE. I think Weight Watchers would do wonders for your self-worth and it would improve your social circle by introducing you to people at the meetings. You won't feel a bit deprived on the WW plan either.