Trouble knowing whats normal...

I'd really appreciate some advice please.

I have had a history of being in relationships that were abusive, and also most relationships where i focused on their needs rather than my own.

So this is the firat time i am properly single and i'm actually really enjoying it. I love having my own time at weekends as i have a busy job. However i'm open to the idea of having a relationship but just very cautious that i dont repeat past mistakes.

So i started seeing someone and sometimes when he says things i am unsure whether its a 'dig' ... he's treating me very nice, but i just feel that when i do or say something he doesnt 'appear' to like he seems to react passive aggressively. For example, if i cancel seeing him he will say 'thats ok, really, you go and rest, but i wish youd told me sooner because now i have nothing to do'... this and other comments he has made ring alarm bells with me because it gives me mixed messages. But i dont know if im being rightly cautious or over thinking?

I then feel guilty for cancelling but i really was exhausted and just needed some me time...this then puts me off because i dont like feeling guilty when im just trying to go with how i feel

Yeah, you identified it correctly. He's being passive aggressive which could turn into a form of emotional abuse. He's being critical of you, like saying, "uh, you're sick again," or "another thing you don't want to do." I think you should be careful especially if this annoys you or escalated.

'thats ok, really, you go and rest, but i wish youd told me sooner because now i have nothing to do'...

This is the opposite of passive aggressive behaviour. He is clearly communicating his expectations of you to be considerate of his time. How much notice did you give him?

What other instances have caused you concern?

FYI http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellor-articles/what-is-passive-aggressive-behaviour

That was definitely NOT passive aggressive behavior from this guy. You were rude and cancelled him at the last minute with a lame excuse (you're just tired). Anyone would not be appreciative of this, and it's great communication on his part that he let you know he would at least want you to cancel ahead of time instead of ruining his days off.

It's inconsiderate of you to take him for granted like this, and he's making it clear to you this kind of behavior is not good in his book. He's being straightforward, which is great.

Emergencies, yeah that's cool and understandable. Just tired? No...you interpreting his message as passive agressive is worrying. It's a really pessimistic POV; you're putting words in his mouth via a skewed interpretation rather than taking them at face value.

Tinyonks, if this is part of a pattern, I think you're probably interpreting his words correctly. I notice you say that you experienced abuse and were invalidated before; if so, you probably know what it looks like. Life is too short to made to feel guilty for being tired. Oh no! He has nothing to do! Horror of horrors. What an off-putting attitude.

That was definitely NOT passive aggressive behavior from this guy. You were rude and cancelled him at the last minute with a lame excuse (you're just tired). Anyone would not be appreciative of this, and it's great communication on his part that he let you know he would at least want you to cancel ahead of time instead of ruining his days off.

 

It's inconsiderate of you to take him for granted like this, and he's making it clear to you this kind of behavior is not good in his book. He's being straightforward, which is great.

 

Emergencies, yeah that's cool and understandable. Just tired? No...you interpreting his message as passive agressive is worrying. It's a really pessimistic POV; you're putting words in his mouth via a skewed interpretation rather than taking them at face value.

No, cancelling a date for being exhausted is not "rude". For some odd reason you want to make the OP doubt herself given that she said she fears she's being made to feel guilty about taking her own needs into account. Also there's the guilt being laid on: she's "ruining his days off". She's not allowed to cancel a date, only if there's an emergency. Never heard that rule before. Also OP is being made to feel guilty for her interpretation: how dare she think about standing up for herself.

I felt I needed to point that out because I've noticed on forums women who seem vulnerable are often shamed when they try to assert themselves.

Tinyonks, if this is part of a pattern, I think you're probably interpreting his words correctly. I notice you say that you experienced abuse and were invalidated before; if so, you probably know what it looks like. Life is too short to made to feel guilty for being tired. Oh no! He has nothing to do! Horror of horrors. What an off-putting attitude.

 

 

No, cancelling a date for being exhausted is not "rude". For some odd reason you want to make the OP doubt herself given that she said she fears she's being made to feel guilty about taking her own needs into account. Also there's the guilt being laid on: she's "ruining his days off". She's not allowed to cancel a date, only if there's an emergency. Never heard that rule before. Also OP is being made to feel guilty for her interpretation: how dare she think about standing up for herself.

 

I felt I needed to point that out because I've noticed on forums women who seem vulnerable are often shamed when they try to assert themselves.

Man or woman, this is rude behavior. If you plan a date and cancel at the last minute it is. If something came up and you didn't end up being able to make it the day before or so, then that's understandable.

However, to do it the day of and because you're just the old regular tired/don't feel like it shows a lack of consideration. Now, if you've stayed up most of the night, worked all day, this is a one off thing, then that's also understandable (emergency wasn't literal, but rather of a more significant circumstance). This doesn't seem so here, and the guy even understood and just let her know he would like more notice next time so he could plan other things. He was being polite in saying he values his time and could have made other plans with more notice, and wants her to understand this for next time, which is completely appropriate (i.e. not passive aggressive, just letting her know his boundaries).

He didn't say she was rude, but it is. Being ditched at the last minute on a planned out date night is a bummer when you could have been making plans with friends instead or planned something else for yourself - aka you value your time and wish it would be respected. He should feel the right to stand up for himself too when the person he is supposedly dating isn't being respectful towards him.

Next time, don't plan a date if you will think you will be tired after whatever you were doing. Like I said, if there was a more significant reason than just being tired on a normal day, then that would be fine.

For example, if i cancel seeing him he will say 'thats ok, really, you go and rest, but i wish youd told me sooner because now i have nothing to do'... this and other comments he has made ring alarm bells with me because it gives me mixed messages. But i dont know if im being rightly cautious or over thinking?

With your background, you should be cautious.

But I need more context to determine what kind of reaction this was. Did you cancel last minute? If so, I could see why he would say this, and I think it would be appropriate. He would be understandably irked and is letting you know--pretty healthy behavior.

If you cancelled a day (or days) in advance, then it would be an overreaction and possibly passive aggressive.

See how he behaves going forward.

Tinyonks, if this is part of a pattern, I think you're probably interpreting his words correctly. I notice you say that you experienced abuse and were invalidated before; if so, you probably know what it looks like. Life is too short to made to feel guilty for being tired. Oh no! He has nothing to do! Horror of horrors. What an off-putting attitude.

 

 

No, cancelling a date for being exhausted is not "rude". For some odd reason you want to make the OP doubt herself given that she said she fears she's being made to feel guilty about taking her own needs into account. Also there's the guilt being laid on: she's "ruining his days off". She's not allowed to cancel a date, only if there's an emergency. Never heard that rule before. Also OP is being made to feel guilty for her interpretation: how dare she think about standing up for herself.

 

I felt I needed to point that out because I've noticed on forums women who seem vulnerable are often shamed when they try to assert themselves.