I feel like I'm the rebound girlfriend...

Iv been in a relationship for the last year and everything has been great. He's lovely and the man I want to spend the rest of my life with... Here comes the but!!!BUT from the start of our relationships I had doubt he was being honest about his ex. Iv found loads of pictures of her on his phone(he said he found grit they were there) which I thought was wrong. Then I found love letter (he said he didn't know they were kept). Recently I found old messages from the beginning of our relationship from his ex(I didn't read them but didn't think he should be messaging an ex when with me), I found old messages to a cousin saying the ex had called. His cousin messaged saying bet he'd liked that and my boyfriend said it was very nice! To the same family member I also found a message to the cousin saying the ex hadn't sent him a message on his birthday. Why would he even bring that up? Why was he even bothered she never messaged to wish him happy birthday? His cousin hadn't even asked about the ex in those messages but my boyfriend felt the need to say it anyway. Had he been waiting all day for a message?

Anyway these messages happened early in our relationship but I feel like he was hankering over his ex but keeping me on the side as a second choice. I feel like I was the rebound girl. Iv said to him I feel our relationship is a farce and that it only developed because his ex didn't take things further. I feel like it was up to her whether we got to go on as a couple. Iv also said to my partner that if I had known at the time about the texts and calls and him bothering about his birthday message etc, I'd have walked. There would be no him and I, yes I'm kinda strong stuff and zero tolerance! What do I do to get rid of feeling like this relationship shouldn't have been, or only happened because his ex didn't take him on! I can't stop thinking I'm the second choice...

Please don't say, think positive, think of what you have...I think I'm ready to walk out of this relationship.

How long were they together, and how long were they broken up for, when you got together?

And when did you become an official couple, or are you not one?

A rebound is rare to last an entire year. Don't think thsts the case, though you may have initially

been one. The ex is gone, correct? So why worry now?

There's no point is being mad about this a year later.

They were together 3 years, split up 5 months when we met.

We were officially a couple from about a month when all these messages and calls happened happened! Iv just found all these messages and calls from before in the last few days that's resurrected the insecurities about pictures and love letters, Iv not felt like this for a year!

I just think I'm nobody's second choice. How dare he choose me cause he couldn't have her

I can't get it out my head that he's with me cause he couldn't have her ...

Yeah well after 3 years, I'm sure he was still healing from the break up. But that's no reason not to be with him. And obviously he wants to be with you now so I don't really get what's wrong? Seems a bit overly sensitive. If he didn't want you he wouldn't be with you after all this time.

I just feel like he's with me cause he couldn't have her! Not great feeling...

And I found pics and letters a year ago now I'm finding messages from a year ago to confirm...

Sloppy seconds... Rebound

You are the person making you feel like a rebound. You are digging into the pain on purpose.

Most people have exs. You are only together because that relationship ended. Just like you are only with him because your pervious relationships ended. You are going to end up ruining the relationship by going through all of his stuff, causing a bunch of drama and insisting that the relationship is a farce. It's painful to stay with someone who is constantly telling the the relationship you share is a lie. These are your insecurities you need to step up and work on them.

Sloppy seconds... Rebound

You shouldn't think of yourself that way!

If that were the case, we are all someone's sloppy seconds! Lol

Three years was a considerable amount of time, and after 5 months he got with you.

Not a long time to heal. Howe ever he may have already been emotionally checked out

of their relationship.

I really would not let this determine your future with him.

If it makes you this insecure though, best to break up with him.

You will bring unnecessary conflict by staying, and will ultimately destruct this anyway.

Yes I know I'm the one feeling this but I was well rid of my ex and didn't hanker over him when I got with my boyfriend. Feels like he was still hankering over her and it was when he was with me!

He might of checked out but he was obviously hanging on for her to give him the nod! He was already dating me and when she swerved him it left me...

If I'd have know about texts in the beginning, I'd have ran a mile...

Yes I know I'm the one feeling this but I was well rid of my ex and didn't hanker over him when I got with my boyfriend. Feels like he was still hankering over her and it was when he was with me!

Well most experience this, unfortunately.

If everyone waited until they were healed, no one would feel the way you are now.

But that isn't the case.

You either accept this and leave it behind, and look to a future, or you end it.

Ok but how do you have access to all these messages and stuff from the past? Are you digging up things on his phone? Are you snooping and on a continuous basis? You don't seem to trust him.

You seem to make a huge effort to find these messages and letters... to find so much things from one year ago it means you're putting the effort and the time and that's concerning...

Holy molly this is the exact same situation I was in. Kind of strange how perfectly aligned it is except I did find the messages early on and did try to end things but he basically insinuated he would hurt himself if I left and made himself the victim which I fell for. I did give him hell for a whole year. I felt the same way like the relationship started simply because she didn’t take it further. He was a liar and played the victim every time.

My advice is to leave. Leave while you can because the moment the ex came back, he left me. He discarded the year we spent together like it meant nothing to him and now he is trying to get HER back. I picked up the pieces she left him in and he still went back. Our relationship was a rocky on-off thing for the year because I never trusted him after I found the messages, and I kept finding more stuff during relationship.

If there hasn’t been anything else found you will still feel like he isn’t being honest and like he isn’t fully yours. I developed mad trust issues while being with this guy. I became verbally abusive of him and I fell into depression.

But everyone is different. If it was only early on I’d forgive and move on. If your gut is pulling at you to walk, do it. Always follow it. It’s a lesson I had heard and seen so many times before yet never listened, and had to learn the hard way.

First of all, good luck with your situation. I had a guy that was hung up on his ex, let's say for the first year of our relationship (stupid me, right, but he hid it well or I was too dumb to notice), a few things happened but now that he is "finally" over her, the damage to myself has already been done (could not trust him, although no other women were involved in the last bit of the relationship, but I couldn't let go of what happened).

But is seems as if the ex herself is not an active factor, so perhaps he is clinging to the memory(ies) which is not fair to you.

But this could also be that he does not see an issue with keeping all these things, I don't know, some people can be weird and difficult to understand at times.

This isn't really a "rebound" scenario. I think rebound is meant to specifically refer to a situation in which somone who has recently been through a break up hastily begins a new relationship, often with someone who isn't really the right fit, but showed interest at the right time, and isn't likely to work out. The rebounder often hasn't fully digested the breakup, isn't appropriately prepared for a new one, and basically uses the new partner to distract themselves from the feelings of pain, loneliness, rejection, etc., that they find unbearable to work through alone.

Of course, what could start as rebounds, or be misinterpreted as such, can develop in to more meaningful relationships. But unfortunately, rebounders are often opportunistic and incapable, or unwilling to give the new person a fair expectation. There's plenty of people willing to mislead you, knowing well that there is an assymetry of feelings, and suck your energy to feed their own selfish wants.

This sounds more like the guy wasn't totally over his ex. I don't think that you were a rebound, as the other poster notes, it's been a year, and he did give himself 5 months after the breakup to date (or find you). I think most proper rebounds occur relatively shortly after the break up (1-8 weeks?) and most usually do not last long.

Look, I know it sucks to feel like your not the top draft pick; especially if he is yours. But it's not like he met you both at the same time, picked her first, broke up, then went to you. If I read correctly, he's the one who got dumped, which is both good and bad for you. It's good in that if she was over it and moving on in her life she will continually remove herself from the picture, and, if he's a grown up, will increasingly come to grips with this, accept it as done, and ultimately stop being concerned with her altogether. Which I think is on its way?

I know it's probably uncomfortable, but have a long heart to heart with him about that relationship. Keep it cool and be sincerely interested in what he tells you. Build some trust and lean more about him and his past. If need be, tell him that if he does, or did, still have feelings for his ex, it's ok to tell you and that your priority is simply better understanding where he's at, where you stand, and that you are keen to move forward with him.