Stuck in a cycle of hurt

I met a girl online a year and a half ago. We both seemed like loner types and were in a way drawn to each other. She is from Australia and I'm from the UK. We started talking every day. I felt I needed that, and now I hate not talking to her. Things progressed pretty quickly where we both felt we have feelings for each other. I love what we have. We video call each other all the time and talk all the time. It makes me happy, apart from certain aspects...

Pretty much from the moment I met her, she was a little bit difficult to communicate with at times. I was hurt when, the first time she offended me or hurt me, she blocked me and deleted me on everything. I'd never in my life been treated that way before, and the missing gap when she left was so painful. It was over something very trivial too, so her insensitivity to the situation seemed extreme and shook me up completely. It hurt to be tossed aside for being upset with her. She came back, and over the months, I learnt what I could and couldn't say to her, if I wanted her to stay. But me being me, an emotional person, I couldn't help but speak up when she hurt me. A cycle began where I'd be blocked and deleted, and each time hurt more and more, since it was clear to me that she didn't care about me. I don't know why I stayed. I guess I never wanted to be without her, and I still don't.

Gradually things got better, or maybe I got used to them, until I went into my 2nd year at university. I was so on edge with how to speak to her, because she had a way of hurting me and then I'd be blocked for having a reaction to her hurtful actions. I developed anxiety in my 2nd year of university. Something that I'd never had before. I had panic attacks, and her treatment of me was the most unreasonable I've ever come across. She would speak to me disgustingly. I know for a fact she caused this reaction in me. But then, after a while, her nice side would show again, and she'd show me so much love, the love I crave and need.

I soon realised that she struggled with big emotions, so I tried to understand her retaliations, I tried everything to stop myself getting hurt when she lashed out, but what I couldn't understand was her lack of empathy for the hurt she'd cause me each time. And how I still wanted her despite the obvious signs that she didn't care.

Breaking point came when I was in Prague with my friends for a holiday and she broke up with me in the airport as we were leaving. She ruined my entire holiday and then wanted me back afterwards. My mother believes it was because she didn't like that I was gone for a week. See, she controls the relationship and it's completely one sided.

Things changed at that point. I felt healthier. I started setting up boundaries of what was and wasn't okay to do to me. I spoke to a therapist about how not to be a doormat, but unfortunately my sessions with the therapist ended prematurely. However, a couple of months in, she started to make me the happiest I'd ever been. I thought, we've turned a corner here. She finally treats me the way I treat her, or as good as it's going to get from her.

Until the bubble burst again. Generally, things are pretty good. I am mostly happy these days, instead of the pain I had through our first year of knowing each other.

But tonight, as I ask her once again why she chose to go to sleep when she saw me crying, and the further pain she caused me by doing this, I wonder what am I doing. She demonstrates to me, time and time again, that I'm not her priority. Factor in that I wanted to visit her a couple of times, and each time she said no, because she wasn't ready. And how she doesn't chase me, for anything. I'm always chasing her. She chose sleep over consoling me, as she often does, because she finds it irritating when I'm upset. But I find it insensitive and cold for her to react like that to me, when she says she loves me.

But I can't imagine life without her. And I don't want to. I love what we have, the good times, but I hate the pain she causes me. I hate the decisions she makes when she is angry, or just in general, the lack of thoughtfulness or consideration. I would never dream of going to sleep when I could see my partner crying in front of me (we were on video call). I had even begged for her to stay, I had asked her for comfort, and she still left.

I know I'll never find another like her, and I'm probably stuck in a fantasy that will never come true. But this is what keeps me going in life, most of the time. She makes me feel wanted and cared for, up until those moments where she doesn't care at all.

I'm stuck because I care for someone who doesn't care about me, and she doesn't express things like I do, or worry, or consider others like I do. I'm deep with feelings and attachment to us and our relationship. I genuinely adore all of the good times.

But I don't want to lose her and I can't change her. I am stuck. Am I supposed to accept life with a partner who hurts me, and who will never understand or consider my feelings?

Come on, dude. She's been training you all this time. The break-up, make-up cycle, we see people describe endless times. It's emotional abuse. It's sort of the way you train a dog. The dog pees on the rug, it gets smacked and thrown out the door. You keep doing that until the dog stops doing it. She's playing you like a puppet. And you seem to love it because you keep coming back and it seems like it makes you love her even more. You've got to wake up.

Also, you're in college. You're surrounded by young women. You are going to lose a huge opportunity here by not asking girls out and going out on dates. You will remember the people you meet in college for the rest of your life. Some of them may even become friends for life. You may not realize this, but it will get increasingly difficult to meet girls when you get out into the working world. Instead of sitting in your room chatting with this girl, you should be out holding hands, necking, cuddling and the rest. As you correctly surmised, this girl is a fantasy, and from what you describe, she's a terrible, conceited girl and you shouldn't fall for her just because you ran into her on the Internet. There are plenty of girls out there, Go out and meet some.

Have you even me this girl?

I hope you don't find another like her. She is a bully and is abusive. Please see the counselor at school to understand what attracts you to this unhealthy dynamic.

Time for a real relationship, and someone you can actually interact with in person.

Thank you, DanZee. I know that's what is happening, but she always convinces me otherwise.

As I mentioned in my post, she left me crying and went to sleep. I was hurt by this and confronted her about it today, as I had gone to her for support. I was quite mad when I spoke to her, just because she's done this so many times, and every time she doesn't see what's wrong about just leaving me to cry when I need her.

She has reacted the way she always does, calling me irrational and mentally ill, and has now blocked and deleted me.

This is how it always goes, but I feel like it's for good this time. She often would leave some way open for me to contact her, but this time she's made it so I can't contact her at all. She has told me she wants to cut me out of her life.

So right now, I sit in disbelief that she could treat me this way. But I know that in a few days time, I will crumble at the silence and reach out in anyway I possibly can to get her back. Because I don't want her to leave me this way. What she says is untrue. Am I so wrong for expecting a partner to care when I'm upset? But give it a few days and I will be convinced I was wrong to be mad at her. I will feel awful. I feel awful now. I hate being shut out for crying. I'm so confused. Every time this happens, it seems so trivial to me. I expect her to just apologise and be there for me in the future, but instead I'm met with anger for being mad at her. But she makes me feel so awful, I can't help but tell her when she's done something to make me feel this way.

And thank you Hollyj. To actually hear someone else use those words to describe her makes me feel sane. She constantly tries to say I am insane and mentally ill for feeling this way.

When I went to the therapist, they started helping me build boundaries and to be assertive, to know when someone has treated me badly and put myself first.

I'd say I'm not quite strong enough to stick to my guns and not reach out to her. I know I should be. I'm trying not to. I'm just so confused. She makes me doubt myself until I believe I was wrong for being upset.

I have not met her in person, no, and I was also seeking answers for why I'm in this unhealthy dynamic, but the therapist finished our sessions abruptly because I was no longer suicidal at the time. I was making progress.

I just don't know how to handle the situation correctly. I want to do what's right, but I always give in and chase her. She never chases me.

And for context, I'm a lesbian so I find it very hard to meet anyone. I feel so alone a lot of the time, which is probably why she fills so much of a gap in my life.

What if I am the abusive one? What do people think?

I will apologise to her.