Aunt Passed Away - Need Advice Regarding my Uncle

Hi everyone,

I have sort of a sensitive topic and would like your insight regarding it. My Aunt passed away 2 and a half weeks ago after having brain cancer for almost two years. My uncle has been up and down since, but has been staying at my parents house since she has died (the past two and a half weeks). I live at home with my parents, and usually it is just my dad and I at the house because my mom works out of town. The uncle is my Mom's brother.

My grandma (Dad's mom) stayed at my house for two weeks during this time, and made meals for the family while cleaning up because my dad and I work all day so usually we aren't the type to sit down and make a meal for ourselves during the week. During this time, my uncle had just came and went from the house as he pleased, often saying he would show up for dinner and wouldn't end up showing up, or often be 2 hours late for the dinner itself. Every night he would come home though and sleep at our house.

During this time, he has also stayed at my house with his dog. When he is home, his dog gets free range of the house while the family cat (who is still a kitten) is locked up in a room and cannot go outside of it because his dog will chase her (and she is afraid of it).

My grandma recently left to go back home on Sunday and my uncle was supposed to go home but he told my dad he can't. Naturally, my dad told my uncle that he could stay as long as he wanted in our house. And of course, I want him to feel comfortable going home when the time is right. But now that my grandma is gone, my dad and I do not make regular meals throughout the week, and most of the time we just pull something out of the freezer and I'm concerned that he will expect more. I'm concerned that he is expecting us to be around the house too, and we aren't usually that often. I stay at my boyfriend's house probably 2-3 times a week, and my dad is out of town at a conference this week.

I guess what I am asking here is a couple things. First, what do you do for someone that is suffering but you don't have enough time in your day to adequately be there for them, aside from the time you aren't working or doing your daily commitments? I obviously don't want my uncle to leave the house and want to be there to support him, but I feel like I don't have the adequate amount of time to help him through his grief. Is counselling a potential possibility for him? I don't know if I should look up clubs in the community for him? Grief counselling?

Secondly, how do you set some boundaries with someone living at your house, but not be rude to them especially during such a difficult time? I really care about my uncle, but the times where my grandma, or dad (on weekends when he has time) have prepared dinner, he has told us he would be there and not shown up and it has caused my dad to get irritated. I will try to calm him down but sometimes this irritation is taken out on me. As well, the cat has tearing up the room that she has been in, and will constantly meow at the door and wants to roam the house, but his dog is the one with free range of the house so she cannot go outside the room (she is also an indoor cat, and does not go outside).

This is all so difficult If my uncles house wasn't so far away, I would go there with him and sleep in the spare bedroom and try to help him through that hurdle but unfortunately it is over an hour away and I cannot be that far away from my full-time job. I really really want to help him, but I'm not sure how. Does anyone has any advice for me?

So it appears that your uncle really isn't looking for a family sit down dinner. So leave him to himself about it.

As for companionship, again, you say that he is out and about as he wishes and mostly only comes over in the evenings to sleep over.

My advice to you is that sometimes the best support is to leave the person be and let them deal with their grief however they need to. Don't impose yourself and whatever you think they should need or do onto them. If he wants to come and go as he feels like and isn't interested in family dinners, leave him to what he is doing for himself. At the end of the day, he is a grown adult and he is picking and choosing what he needs at the moment.

As for the dog and cat, maybe talk to a trainer on how to introduce them to each other so that they can get along and learn to be around each other.

Your uncle is grieving and doesn't know which end is up. Cut him some slack. If you and dad are pretty casual - you just pull something out of the freezer - call your uncle and say "we are pulling something out to cook, do you want us to save you some for when you get back". Then its up to him to say if he is right around the corner and wait for him or not. He really just needs a place to crash and is not wanting to go back to the house to be reminded of things so quickly. Its hard to go home to an empty house. I think that maybe in a couple weeks, have dad offer to go to the house with him for the first time, etc.

I think that i would not touch the dog issue for now -- but if it looks like he is going to be there more than two months, then address it.

Your uncle is grieving and doesn't know which end is up. Cut him some slack. If you and dad are pretty casual - you just pull something out of the freezer - call your uncle and say "we are pulling something out to cook, do you want us to save you some for when you get back". Then its up to him to say if he is right around the corner and wait for him or not. He really just needs a place to crash and is not wanting to go back to the house to be reminded of things so quickly. Its hard to go home to an empty house. I think that maybe in a couple weeks, have dad offer to go to the house with him for the first time, etc.

 

I think that i would not touch the dog issue for now -- but if it looks like he is going to be there more than two months, then address it.

Oh I didn't mean to make it sound like I was mad about him not being there for dinner and whatnot, I'm just concerned because my dad is the one that gets a bit irritated about it and then ends up taking it out on me. I just want to some how talk to my dad about this situation, because of course I understand that everyone grieves differently. I am just unsure of how to talk to my dad about it because he is very black and white when it comes to seeing problems, and grief is definitely a grey area. I just want the house to be as conflict free as possible, so my uncle can have a supportive environment to come home to. I'm not sure if that makes sense?

So it appears that your uncle really isn't looking for a family sit down dinner. So leave him to himself about it.

As for companionship, again, you say that he is out and about as he wishes and mostly only comes over in the evenings to sleep over.

My advice to you is that sometimes the best support is to leave the person be and let them deal with their grief however they need to. Don't impose yourself and whatever you think they should need or do onto them. If he wants to come and go as he feels like and isn't interested in family dinners, leave him to what he is doing for himself. At the end of the day, he is a grown adult and he is picking and choosing what he needs at the moment.

 

As for the dog and cat, maybe talk to a trainer on how to introduce them to each other so that they can get along and learn to be around each other.

Thank you for the advice! Of course, I have never been in his situation so I have not an ounce of an idea of what it feels like. I just feel saddened that he feels sad, like I want to somehow help him. But you are right, people need to be left to their own devices. and grieve the way that feels the best for them.

Oh I didn't mean to make it sound like I was mad about him not being there for dinner and whatnot, I'm just concerned because my dad is the one that gets a bit irritated about it and then ends up taking it out on me. I just want to some how talk to my dad about this situation, because of course I understand that everyone grieves differently. I am just unsure of how to talk to my dad about it because he is very black and white when it comes to seeing problems, and grief is definitely a grey area. I just want the house to be as conflict free as possible, so my uncle can have a supportive environment to come home to. I'm not sure if that makes sense?

Then tell dad that you have an idea - that you don't wait for him. Your dad may also see having dinner with him as a way of supporting his brother as well. Why not suggest he arranges to have dinner out with your uncle now and again to have some guaranteed one on one?

Oh I didn't mean to make it sound like I was mad about him not being there for dinner and whatnot, I'm just concerned because my dad is the one that gets a bit irritated about it and then ends up taking it out on me. I just want to some how talk to my dad about this situation, because of course I understand that everyone grieves differently. I am just unsure of how to talk to my dad about it because he is very black and white when it comes to seeing problems, and grief is definitely a grey area. I just want the house to be as conflict free as possible, so my uncle can have a supportive environment to come home to. I'm not sure if that makes sense?

It makes sense, but again, best for you is to keep out of it as much as possible. You sound very much like a fixer kind of a person and I don't mean this in a bad way. Only that you see a problem and you want to solve it. However, sometimes the solution is passive - time, distance, and space. Of course that can be difficult when you are an active person who wants to DO something. I'd suggest that maybe you hit the gym, go for a jog, take uncle's dog out with you so cat can get out of the room and roam around while you do that for an hour or so. It will help you get your edge off, which sounds like you need that more than your uncle does at the moment.

Then tell dad that you have an idea - that you don't wait for him. Your dad may also see having dinner with him as a way of supporting his brother as well. Why not suggest he arranges to have dinner out with your uncle now and again to have some guaranteed one on one?

That is a great idea! Thank you! I think that would be great for them to go out for dinner here and there, it would probably be great for both himself and his brother in law.

It makes sense, but again, best for you is to keep out of it as much as possible. You sound very much like a fixer kind of a person and I don't mean this in a bad way. Only that you see a problem and you want to solve it. However, sometimes the solution is passive - time, distance, and space. Of course that can be difficult when you are an active person who wants to DO something. I'd suggest that maybe you hit the gym, go for a jog, take uncle's dog out with you so cat can get out of the room and roam around while you do that for an hour or so. It will help you get your edge off, which sounds like you need that more than your uncle does at the moment.

You are indeed correct.. I am a fixer and I have been working on not being so but it seems like it always creeps up on me.. haha. I do workout at home every other day, but I agree getting out of the house would be a great thing. And even going walking with his dog would be great, that way both the dog gets exercise and the cat gets to roam a bit. Thank you so much for your insight!