How to stay positive?

So I'm 9 weeks into a lovely relationship im 47 hes 51, Ive been single for 8 years, had a few one nights but nothing serious until now, as I feel ready now my daughter is 11. He split up with his ex 12 years ago, a very volitile relationship and hes lived back with his mother ever since.

 

We met online back in September and got on like a house on fire, he told me that 1st date he was going on a holiday to florida in Nov with his family all 15 of them and his EX! Yes EX, he said his daughter (25) asked this so she could help her with her 3 children under 5 and she paid for herself, they are all staying in a Villa. He went yesterday and its really affected me, ive managed to play cool infront of him, but its killing me inside. Please can someone guide me on how to get throught these next few weeks. We are using Whatsapp but what things can I say to him to let him now how much I like him without sounding as crazy as I am on the inside?

He split up with his ex 11 years ago and they haven’t managed to reconcile in that length of time so clearly they are over their relationship. She is very much still the mother of his kids and she will always be that . There is 15 of them in the trip. It isn’t a romantic weekend for 2 he has gone on . The only texts I would be sending is saying I hope you are having a great time ;etc . His kids are his priority so you need also to be supportive of their mother to the extent that she may attend events etc . I would be very careful as you can self sabotage your relationship if you act or show these thoughts . Obviously if he has being talking affectionately about his ex or shown any signs that he wants to cheat then ignore my message . However you haven’t mentioned that to be in the case in your note

I don't see a need to be worried.

His ex is still the mother of his children, you need to respect that.

You're also very early on into this relationship, if you say anything you will turn him off to you.

His daughter, whom has her own children, wanted her mom there. Completely understandable.

They have the one child a shes 25 and 3 grandchildren under 5............He does talk about her a lot, nothing good though, but hes told me that all his workmates have been joking with him that they will get back together, which has made me feel rocky. I dont hink he would but Im worried that she might flaunt herself over him?

He does talk about her a lot, nothing good though, but hes told me that all his workmates have been joking with him that they will get back together. I dont hink he would but Im worried that she might flaunt herself over him?

 

They've been apart for so long, I don't see a need to worry.

Usually when someone talks about their ex a lot, they aren't over them, but looks like because of the time that

has lapsed between them, he's most likely just annoyed by her in some ways. Everyone has baggage, a past,

and people who were in their lives prior to you, just as you do.

Is he good to you? Do you enjoy his company? Focus on having fun with him right now.

He wouldn't be with you if he didn't want to be

They've been apart for so long, I don't see a need to worry.

Usually when someone talks about their ex a lot, they aren't over them, but looks like because of the time that

has lapsed between them, he's most likely just annoyed by her in some ways. Everyone has baggage, a past,

and people who were in their lives prior to you, just as you do.

Is he good to you? Do you enjoy his company? Focus on having fun with him right now.

He wouldn't be with you if he didn't want to be

 

Hes fantastic, we get on so well together and he wasnt looking forward to this Holiday, hes made plans for us for when we get home etc

Hes fantastic, we get on so well together and he wasnt looking forward to this Holiday, hes made plans for us for when we get home etc

 

That's great! So rest your mind! Tell him you hope he's enjoying the vacation, and you look forward to

seeing him when he returns. Keep busy, he will find it attractive that while he's away you are

doing things to keep active also. I hope this works out for you!

The way it works in my family is if you parent a child of our blood, you're family. Break up, divorce, whatever, that doesn't change that fact. Granted, you're probably not going to get every birthday party invite, but especially for big occasions or really any time a son or daughter wants them to come, they are welcome with open arms. Personally, I think it's amazing his family's willing to include her to help out with his daughter's kids.

 

What I do think is that, you having dated barely two months at this point, you should take note that him and his family seemingly have amicably kept her, to some extent, within the unit. That's to say she's going to be around, and he around her. While I know it's much more difficult in your age group to date people who haven't had children, I'm sure you could find a relationship wherein neither the family nor he is chummy with the former ol' lady, if it's that important to you.

 

The only issue I saw was this:

 

but hes told me that all his workmates have been joking with him that they will get back together

How does that even come up? If you two are at his place enjoying a plate of spaghetti and he comes out of left field with stuff like that, it is either one of those game-playing "you're lucky to have me" sorta comments or he's just got moments he's not all that bright and doesn't think about what he's saying to who. If it's a one-off thing, I wouldn't worry about it. But if I were dating a lady and she kept bringing up how people think she's gonna get back with her ex, I would be intrigued to know why she felt the need to tell me and would ask her just that.

Is his ex remarried? Dating?

Their daughter is a grown up, 25...I’m about your age and divorced also..I don’t talk to my ex at all ..personally I wouldn’t like this situation because it’s a window of what’s to come in the future. I mean if he wants to spend long holidays with his ex more power to him but I wouldn’t go along for that ride. I totally get they share kids etc but that doesn’t mean they should share vacations, especially if one is in another relationship. It’s not fair to the partner on the sideline. Just my 2 cents. I have grown kids and a new grandson so I understand the dynamic. Going on vacation with my ex wife? No.

his daughter (25) asked this so she could help her with her 3 children under 5 and she paid for herself

 

So his daughter, who is 25, asked her mother (his ex) to come along to take care of her 3 young children, who are both his and his ex-wife's grandchildren?

 

If I have that correct, then I see absolutely nothing to worry about.

 

They're her grandchildren. Of course she'd jump at the chance to spend more time with them and her own daughter.

 

And yes, this is a window into the future, that she will be around in times like this.

 

Quite frankly, I see more of an issue with how he talks so poorly of her, and how he makes sure you know that people joke that he'll get back together with her.

So his daughter, who is 25, asked her mother (his ex) to come along to take care of her 3 young children, who are both his and his ex-wife's grandchildren?

 

If I have that correct, then I see absolutely nothing to worry about.

 

They're her grandchildren. Of course she'd jump at the chance to spend more time with them and her own daughter.

 

And yes, this is a window into the future, that she will be around in times like this.

 

Quite frankly, I see more of an issue with how he talks so poorly of her, and how he makes sure you know that people joke that he'll get back together with her.

 

They were never married.....I have NO problem at all about her being there for their daughter and grandchildren and I fully understand this. There is not a jealous bone in my body and like I said before I do think I can trust him, just seems odd that after having a very volitie relationship were she attacked him on nureous occasions and stole money like £1000s why his work collegues would say this and him telling me too, that IS what I have a problem with.

Is his ex remarried? Dating?

Their daughter is a grown up, 25...I’m about your age and divorced also..I don’t talk to my ex at all ..personally I wouldn’t like this situation because it’s a window of what’s to come in the future. I mean if he wants to spend long holidays with his ex more power to him but I wouldn’t go along for that ride. I totally get they share kids etc but that doesn’t mean they should share vacations, especially if one is in another relationship. It’s not fair to the partner on the sideline. Just my 2 cents. I have grown kids and a new grandson so I understand the dynamic. Going on vacation with my ex wife? No.

 

No shes been single ever since.

It doesn't matter if they were ever married or not.

 

She is the girl's mother. And she has 3 grandchildren.

 

As I said, I find his story of how "crazy" she was more disturbing. I don't care how volatile their relationship was; she is the mother/grandmother of these kids. He should not be badmouthing her.

 

Nor should he be trying to bait you with comments about how his friends say they might get back together. If it was really so volatile, why would they say that?

 

That's the part that doesn't sound right to me.

Maybe thats why im feeling a bit confused?

That's great! So rest your mind! Tell him you hope he's enjoying the vacation, and you look forward to

seeing him when he returns. Keep busy, he will find it attractive that while he's away you are

doing things to keep active also. I hope this works out for you!

 

This!

 

In fact, bold it and cut and paste to your fridge and read it every chance you get for affirmation.

 

It's all good!

It doesn't matter if they were ever married or not.

 

She is the girl's mother. And she has 3 grandchildren.

 

As I said, I find his story of how "crazy" she was more disturbing. I don't care how volatile their relationship was; she is the mother/grandmother of these kids. He should not be badmouthing her.

 

Nor should he be trying to bait you with comments about how his friends say they might get back together. If it was really so volatile, why would they say that?

 

That's the part that doesn't sound right to me.

 

You know, if every stupid comment ever made were dissected and analyzed to the nth degree like they are on this forum, no one would ever be getting together.

 

Not everything is a 'red flag". People say dumb things sometimes, including myself, let it go.

 

Especially since everything else sounds so good and positive.

 

If it becomes a pattern, then address it.

 

How do you stay positive? By trusting and having faith in "your" connection, and focusing on the positive aspects of your relationship.

 

I am not suggesting you ignore blatant red flags but that one dumb comment?

 

He probably meant it as a "joke" anyway.

 

A very bad joke, probably to elicit a reaction (typical) but a joke nevertheless.

 

No man who was seriously considering getting back together with an ex would ever say that to new woman he was dating and been serious about it. My opinion.

 

The fact he made plans with you when he returns is a positive!

You know, if every stupid comment ever made were dissected and analyzed to the nth degree like they are on this forum, no one would ever be getting together.

 

Not everything is a 'red flag". People say dumb things sometimes, including myself, let it go.

 

Especially since everything else sounds so good and positive.

 

If it becomes a pattern, then address it.

 

How do you stay positive? By trusting and having faith in "your" connection, and focusing on the positive aspects of your relationship.

 

I am not suggesting you ignore blatant red flags but that one dumb comment?

 

He probably meant it as a "joke" anyway.

 

No man who was seriously considering getting back together with an ex would ever say that to new woman he was dating and been serious about it. My opinion.

 

The fact he made plans with you when he returns is a positive!

 

 

Thank you katrina1980, on both the above coments x

Well, he came back on the 2nd of December and hasn't been the same, I ended up finishing with him via text after finding him back on a dating site from 22nd Dec

Well, he came back on the 2nd of December and hasn't been the same, I ended up finishing with him via text after finding him back on a dating site from 22nd Dec

 

Geez, didn't see that one coming!

Goes away with the family, ends up on a dating site again??

Good for you to dump him. I'm sorry though :(

I'm in bits, cant sleep eat keep crying I'm so annoyed that I've let myself be fooled, actually I don't think I've been fooled I've been foolish to hang around :(