Confused by Ex BF Behavior

My BF broke up with my just a little over a month ago after a 2 year relationship. His reasons changed every time and now he is blaming me for everything. It went from him wanting to do his own thing to me being with him for his money. I have paid for every date, activity, outing, etc. for the past 7-8 months and gave him money all the time because he had been struggling. This guy went from being the nicest, respectful person to a complete jerk. As if he just switched overnight. He told me he had thought about breaking up for 2-3 days before, told a friend he thought about it for a week, and told another friend, he had thought about it for a month. He has changed completely. All he does is drink all day, chain smoke, go to bars/clubs, hooking up with anyone, and is failing all of his classes so he now has to drop out of school completely.

He is always asking friends to take me out and hangout with me to make sure I am okay. I took the breakup very hard at first, but am doing much better now. I have been on NC for 3 weeks now and he has tried contacting a few times but I did not respond. He called my best friend a few days ago sounding very panicked asking about me. She told him I was fine and he got very angry and hungup on her. He then called a mutual friend and asked about me, she said the same. He was very angry on the phone saying he doesn't want anyone in his life and wants to keep me from hurting more. He again, sounded panicked and seemed off on the phone. He keeps saying that he "knows me more than anyone" and knows I am not okay (I really am not okay, but I am trying). He said he can just feel it. He once again contacted a mutual friend the next day asking about me again, she said I was fine and happy and he continued to ask if she was sure?

It seems as if he feels guilty for how things happened, but when he is told that I am doing better, he convinces himself and our friends that I am not. Almost as if he doesn't want me to be okay. He also tells them that he has absolutely ZERO feelings for me and does not love me at all, so why is he this panicked and this worried over me? Why is he spiraling this far down? All of our mutual friends are shocked by his behavior as no one has ever seen him act this way. It's like something took over him and he is no longer in control of himself. I was told by someone at his work that they sense he puts on an "act" at work. He is trying desperately to talk to girls, etc. Idk what to think because every time I seem to feel better, he somehow pops back up in my life. He has also deleted his social media, which again, is VERY unlike him. I have a hard time believing that he has no feelings for me, clearly, there is something there. He also was HUGE on eye contact when arguing or talking but when he broke up with me, he refused to look my way at all and was pushing me away.

Did you post this under another user name? This story sounds very familiar.

So, are you hoping him questioning your friends means he still loves you and wants to get back together?

Did you post this under another user name? This story sounds very familiar.

 

So, are you hoping him questioning your friends means he still loves you and wants to get back together?

No, this is my first time posting anything on here. I literally just joined lol I don't even know what I want from him anymore. A week ago, I would have loved for him to come running back, but with the way he's been, idk if I want him back anymore. Especially since he needs to work on himself. I'm just confused as to if him saying he feels absolutely nothing for me is true or not. With him not being able to sleep and self destructing, constantly asking people about me, I have a hard time believing he doesn't love me...

Tell your friends to stop taking his calls and discussing you with him.

It sounds more like he wants to be sure you're not dating anyone so that he can come back if and when he tires of the single life. Guys like this are bad news.

This guy is a wuss. He doesnt want to be in a relationship with you, but doesnt want you to be in a relationship with anyone else. So what is boils down to is you cutting the cord from him since he is not going to let you go.

Dont worry too much about why he is acting in a certain way. He is an X and that means you no longer have to worry about it. He had his chance, he let you go and now its time for you to find someone better..and from the sounds of it, there are going to be a lot of guys that are better.

Tell your friends to stop taking his calls and discussing you with him.

 

It sounds more like he wants to be sure you're not dating anyone so that he can come back if and when he tires of the single life. Guys like this are bad news.

I told them to not say anything and now whenever he asks, they just say I'm good and that's it. He last replied to them saying "okay, good. Thanks" but is still telling one of our friends (more his friend than mine) to check to see if I am going back to work and school. Which again, idk what makes him think I would let go of school like he did. He is also freaking over the fact that I may be drinking/smoking as he doesn't want me to "ruin my life" because of the BU. He also asked if I was seeing someone through friends and we assumed he meant another guy but apparently he wants me to see a therapist.. Idk what's going on and I am going crazy trying to make sense of things

He is vastly overestimating his importance in your life.

I would be insulted that he feels you can't look after yourself and need your friends to parent you. I think he is doing this to make himself feel like The Bigger Person, when really, he just looks like a weirdo who doesn't respect boundaries.

This guy is a wuss. He doesnt want to be in a relationship with you, but doesnt want you to be in a relationship with anyone else. So what is boils down to is you cutting the cord from him since he is not going to let you go.

 

Dont worry too much about why he is acting in a certain way. He is an X and that means you no longer have to worry about it. He had his chance, he let you go and now its time for you to find someone better..and from the sounds of it, there are going to be a lot of guys that are better.

I have cut him off. I haven't contacted or responded to him in weeks. He's always going out and partying and acts like I am not even a thought that crosses his mind yet is always trying to check up on me. I was told that he's been smoking like crazy and lately looks very down. I am not sure if he using going out as a way to ignore his feelings. He's angry at me for reasons that he made up in his head. He thinks I loved him because I like his attention... isn't that what people in relationships do? Like each others attention? Idk why that's so wrong to him. And for him to say that he doesn't love me AT ALL and has NO feelings.. I find it hard to believe.

Haha my friends called him a weirdo too for saying that. He said he can "just feel" that I'm not okay. Like based off intuition or something, idk. And you're right, it is insulting. He will tell them that he knows I'm "stronger than this" but idk what makes him think I am not functioning or doing my daily stuff. He said he doesn't want to text me directly so I don't get the wrong idea and think he wants to be with me again

My ex got really upset when he found out I wasn't completely destroyed when he broke up with me. In fact, he whined "She must not have really loved me!!" He expects all of his exes to be devastated and unable to function without him, and it crushes his ego to hear that we're actually doing fine (and in my case, doing much better having him out of my life).

I presume your ex expects you to fall apart.

"I was told that he's been smoking like crazy and lately looks very down."

I would also suggest you stop getting updates on how he's doing. If it bugs you that he keeps tabs on you, maybe it's time to stop keeping tabs on him as well. If someone brings him up, just say "thanks, but I don't really want to hear about him at all".

To add more: he apparently heard that I had been smoking/drinking. I never drink but I have been smoking lately but only occasionally for fun. Not because of him. I had smoked with him before so idk what the big deal is. We work in the same building and he was angry at the fact that I had been smoking and said he will contact my employer so i get drug tested and fired. He also knows of my best friend cheating on her fiance a year or so ago and threatened to everyone about what she did. Idk what is making him act out this much and why he is so angry at me and my friends. I never wanted to leave him and begged for him to not leave in the beginning and I stopped after realizing how pathetic I was being. It's just so odd to me the way he is because he would worship the ground I walked on and now he's just this odd guy that is losing his mind

Hi - my first question is do you want him back? Whatever the answer, NC is the way forward. My advice would be that you should not ignore him if you want him back though. Minimal replies, a few hours after a text or email, are all I would suggest. As you know, if someone ignores you, you stop trying, and your ex will too.

 

He is obviously conflicted and confused at the moment. He obviously cares for you in some way or he wouldn't get angry. People don't react strongly to things they don't care about. Now, this does not mean he wants to date you again. It could just be evidence of struggling with his decision, guilt, loneliness, missing you, etc.

 

My advice is to focus on yourself and your own personal development. As you said, tell your friends not to talk to him about you or you about him. Give yourself the space to know what you want and why...but, more importantly, give him the space to calm down and start thinking rationally. This flaky, irrational, and frankly mean behaviour he is displaying must NOT result in him getting what he wants from you. You need to set your own standards for the behaviour you will accept from him and refuse to take things further until he respects that.

Idk what I want from him at the moment. I am just focusing on trying to feel better because I am exhausted of the emotional roller coaster I have been on. He hasn't reached out in a week, but everytime I tried replying, he was short and dry with me. I felt that he was just getting validation that I am stilll wrapped around his finger and willing to get any attention from him at all. If he contacted me again, I would not reply especially after knowing how angry he has been lately. I don't think it would benefit either of us to be talking right now. I just don't get why he's acting the way he is and why he started feeling more negatively towards me. It comes off as if he is convincing himself that I am a horrible person and was bad to him. Although, I would very much disagree.

If you are really focused on yourself then what he does or thinks really shouldnt matter to you.

All of this goes away the instant you just dont care.

Update: Along with deactivating his IG account, he has also changed his number but did not tell me about it. He is not talking to any of his former friends besides his best friend. Although he seems to want nothing to do with me, he still has me on snapchat and he knows I would have found out about him changing his number. I have not been bitter towards him in anyway. Our last conversation before going NC was very neutral. He has blocked me and my friends from viewing his story on snapchat as I am sure he knows his behavior is wayyyy out of his character. He does continue to watch my friend's stories. Is he playing mind games? I am starting to feel like I am slowly losing my sanity.

Are YOU "playing mind games" by watching his Snapchat and by getting intel on him from friends?

I don't understand why his behavior upsets you when you're doing the exact same things he's doing.

How am I playing mind games with him? I am not changing my number, deleting social media accounts, asking his friends about him, etc. We have many friends in common so word gets around, but I am not going out of my way to ask about him. He, on the other hand, randomly asks friends about me. I am only trying to make sense of what is going on because I am confused by it all. And of course, what he is doing to himself will upset me. I do care for him and it is upsetting to know that he has so much potential and he is spiraling downwards by isolating himself, drinking/smoking, dropping out of school, etc.

How does him changing his number and deleting his social media accounts have anything to do with you? How are those things "mind games"? How is he to know you're paying any attention to what he's doing?