When should we talk about finances?? Need advice!

I am not able to work and have been denied disability. I have a chronic illness and had to quite my

job 8 years ago, to move in with my father. I became his full time caregiver and he financially supports me.

He pays for everything. Dating can be difficult and I met a wonderful man that I wanted to spend the rest of

my life with. He was wonderful to me and to my dad. He told me that I was the right woman. He lost his wife

after 32 years of marriage and he also lost her income. He retired at 60. I never asked why. We are both

61, and I was always concerned that he retired so early when he was so strapped for money.

Nevertheless, back in July, he told me that he wanted to plan for our future and asked if he could ask me

a few personal questions. I said, "sure". He already knew that I had not worked much in life as I was married

to an attorney and chose to be a stay at home mom. When my husband and I divorced, I received a nice check for

the next 17 years. But no more. He paid off his debt. He asked me how much do I pay for treatments that I receive

from a specialist who doesn't take insurance. I told him that I pay him around $900 every two to three months.

He also asked me that if I receive part of my exhusbands social security, which will be much more than I receive, given

that I only worked 10 years full time in my whole life, would I still receive that amount, should I remarry, I said, "no".

I would then get a very small social security check.

Two months later when he broke up with me he stated that one reason was he didn't think he could afford me. I was shocked!

I have dated quite a few men since my divorce and became serious with several of them and not a single one wanted to know

about my finances.

My question is: when is the right time to discuss finances during the dating process? I am now afraid that the next guy I date and

fall in love with me will leave me if I don't bring enough money to the relationship. It is not my fault that I got sick and not able to

work and didn't work long enough to draw a nice social security check.

Surely there are some guidelines I should follow the next time I fall in love. I would like to know when is the right time to talk finances?

I am really tempted to not share my finances until I feel he is totally committed to me. Most of my friends thought his question was in

appropriate. He was looking for someone who could take care of him.

So guys and gals, when, if ever is it appropriate to discuss finances when you are dating someone you are thinking of marrying??

I think in general I'd want to know if the person was financially stable - in your case he knew when you met what the living situation was and that you do not work so I think his sudden revelation is more of an excuse than because of the financial situation.

I think the right time to discuss specifics is when you're serious. But general financial stability and future goals - probably ASAP.

So, if you're well enough to be your father's full time caregiver, have you ever looked for work as a caregiver?

As soon as you realize it’s serious you should talk about finances. It’s not wrong to ask especially if he was thinking about marrying you. You do know that money is the number one cause of divorce and fights, right?? I talk about finances with my boyfriend all the time to make sure we’re on the same page should we decide to marry. It’s not really something you should spring on someone years down the line.

I know about my bfs finances but i do not control them in any way and won’t have any say on it until we’re married but it is important to me that we have the same financial goals and values. It’s similar to wanting someone who has similar religious or political values that you do. I don’t think your ex was trying to get money out of you, he just wanted an equal partner. You could have invested the money your ex husband gave you and live off that income. Instead you chose to spend it.

Yes getting sick is not your fault but the other choices you made are and you need to own that. No one forced you to stay at home and only work 10 years and no one forced you to spend all the money you got from your husband. There also may be some kind of business that you could start to accommodate your illness by controlling your hours. Get creative.

I think the right time to talk about money is as soon as you (or the other person) are concerned about it. It's up to the concerned party to broach the subject though, as none of us are mind-readers.

People can be very awkward and self-conscious about money, and maybe they don't bring up their concerns as early as they should.

Also, sometimes people don't feel the same way about money and that can cause friction. You weren't concerned about money, so you may have been surprised and confused to discover that he was. Neither one of you were right or wrong. It's just your natural disposition.

I'm trying to put myself in his shoes to figure out why he abandoned ship. What would make me do that?

My boyfriend and I communicate about money all the time. When our relationship started to become serious, I definitely asked him some pointed questions about his finances, and how he planned to navigate certain financial problems. I don't remember all of the questions that I asked, but I'm sure I drilled pretty relentlessly because that's how I am. I did this because 1) I wanted it to be clear that I had no intention of supporting him financially, and 2) I wanted to make sure he had his head screwed on straight. It was a way to set boundaries, I guess. Anyway, his answers made sense and he has since then he has proven to be financially responsible and a good partner in many other ways.

Now, if he'd had a financial burden but didn't have a plan in place to handle it, that would have been a big problem for me. So I wonder if your ex-boyfriend was afraid that you were going to rely on him to pay your medical bills. That's sort of what sticks out for me.

Iggy5129, I spent the money that my ex gave me on bills.....rent, utilities, food, all necessary for survival. My job didn't pay me that well and I worked two jobs to support myself.

Hindsight is 20/20 and if I had known this would become my future, you can bet I would have worked. When I married, it was forever and I told him that.

Being a full time caregiver is hard and very time consuming. No one would hire me as soon as they find out how much time I need off to: take my dad to all of his appts, the time I need to drive three hours away for my dr appts and days I need of when I am in considerable pain. At this point, I am focusing all my energy on getting well.

Batya33

Being a full time caregiver is extremely time consuming. I work 24/7 taking no days off and can never call in sick. I am responsible for his care: meal preparation, taking him to all of his doctors, dispensing medicine, managing and paying his bills, bath time, and more. That leaves little time for me and remember, I have my own health issues. Can you imagine doing all that and taking someone else on? I haven't had a vacation in 7 years! No, I am not well enough to look after someone else. Just focusing on giving my dad the very best care I can and working on restoring my health. Now, I agree, the time to discuss is when you are serious. In all of the years I dated since my divorce, I was never asked about my finances because most of these men were financially very well off. It was a concern of mine that my new boyfriend may not be able to afford me. But he is 60 and he is healthy and able bodied. He could still work. I always wondered why he retired so early since he was financially strapped.

Right now, a job as a caregiver wouldn't make sense. but given all of the experience you have, it could be an option for you in the distant future.

Batya33

Being a full time caregiver is extremely time consuming. I work 24/7 taking no days off and can never call in sick. I am responsible for his care: meal preparation, taking him to all of his doctors, dispensing medicine, managing and paying his bills, bath time, and more. That leaves little time for me and remember, I have my own health issues. Can you imagine doing all that and taking someone else on? I haven't had a vacation in 7 years! No, I am not well enough to look after someone else. Just focusing on giving my dad the very best care I can and working on restoring my health. Now, I agree, the time to discuss is when you are serious. In all of the years I dated since my divorce, I was never asked about my finances because most of these men were financially very well off. It was a concern of mine that my new boyfriend may not be able to afford me. But he is 60 and he is healthy and able bodied. He could still work. I always wondered why he retired so early since he was financially strapped.

I can't really relate to your mindset because I would think finances is always an issue no matter how much money someone has. First, because easy come easy go when it comes to money and second you want to know if that person is comfortable financially providing for you -and that's about values as much as it's about how much $ he has. I was a full time caregiver for my son for 7.5 years and now am almost full time - because he's a young child. Yes, I am married and yes my husband works more than full time and travels and no we don't have other family around so yes I can relate to some extent.

So if your health issues impede you from working outside the home being a home health aide (and then you would hire someone else to care for your dad during the time you were at work) that's of course understandable. But, if after doing number crunching you could do what you do at home for $ plus health benefits (which would help you with any meds you need, etc) even if you had to pay for an aide to help with your father (and maybe he has savings?) then I would consider it as an option if not now then in the future or at least as something to offer to a potential significant other to show that you are willing to bring in some $. Or perhaps that person would be willing to help pay for your father's care so you could work, fill in the gap on your resume plus maybe get health benefits.

Also ask yourself if you're ok being entirely financially dependent on another person. You might be -many people are and nothing wrong with it -but I wouldn't take it as a given.

So just to be clear I never meant you should also work as a home health aide and take care of your father 24/7. Many parents pay for daycare for their young children, work part or full time and financially it makes sense (i.e. the daycare costs are less than what they bring home plus benefits). If it's that you can't work because of your medical issues I get that but I didn't get that from what you've written -sounds like you're able to be a full time caregiver including taking him places, and bathing him, etc. I get that you haven't had a vacation because I have very little time to myself in my situation and I chose this situation happily so I'm ok with it. I'm sorry if you're overwhelmed with all you need to do and I was just posing a possible alternative.

As far as your boyfriend -how much he chooses to work and earn and save is his business until it is your business - until you pool your $/assets together. It's only your business if it affects you or if you feel his work ethic is incompatible with yours -and then it's not your business then either it's just that it would be understandable if you would not want to be with him in a relationship becasue you didn't respect his values/work ethic.

I wish you and your father the best and I know it's a struggle. It's happened in our family too and it's stressful and overwhelming.