Was it my fault?

I was in a relationship for almost three years, and more than 1,5 years of that was really good, like really good. But then the summer vacation came, and my boyfriend travelled with a family member. When he came back, I noticed that something was different, I could feel it. After one month of trying to force it out of him, he finally told med that he didn’t have feelings for me anymore. He broke up with me, and I was devestated and got really depressed and anxious, something I have dealt with long before that. After three months he came back and told me that he only broke up because of personal issues, and I still loved him so I took him back. One week later he broke up again, and a week after that he asked for a second chance - I took him back.. We were together for 10 months after that, and 2 months ago I noticed that something was wrong again; he didn’t do the things he used to, he barely showed me any love, we started seeing each other less. I asked him several times if it was something bothering him, and he always said no. Then one day, I finally got it out of him and he told me: based on all the things you are telling me (about What I dont do anymore) it can seem like I have lost feelings for you. I immediately broke down and got a panick-attack, because I felt like I was in the same situation like the first time, and that broke me. He immediately said that he didn’t mean it that way, but that made things a lot worse, because I felt like he took it back because of my panick-attack and that he felt Sorry for me. I therefore decided to break up with him, and he didnt say anything against it, he just cried like I i’ve never seen him cry before.. I didn’t hear from him after that, and I started to regret on the choice I had made, specially since I did it after the panick-attack, so I clearly wasn’t in the right state of mind. So I texted him yesterday, and we had a long discussion. He told me that based on how much he cried, he loves me and wants to be with me. But in addition to that, he didn’t even wanna think about giving me a second chance, even after I took him back two times last year. He told me that I can’t just throw him away and that it is my fault because I misunderstood what was said. It killed me to hear that, because I am sitting Here with so much guilt that I broke up. But at the same time, it seems like he is blaming me and using me as an excuse to not get back together. In my opinion, if he really loved me, he would not be so stubborn and just throw away the chance I asked him for, when I immediately took him back two times last year. So I am just so confused.. I can’t tell if he isn’t taking the chance because he is stubborn (really really stubborn) but actually wants to be with me, or because he actually doesn’t want to be with me, and therefore has to blame it on me so he doesn’t look like the bad guy. I really need help from someone that I don’t know, that can tell me something about the situation, because I am feeling so bad and I am honestly so confused..

He told me that I can’t just throw him away

Honey, I know it hurts not being with him but that's only because you are going through withdrawl from the habit of having him in your life. What you two had is NOT love. Love doesn't come in and out of your life on a whim like this jerk has done to you. He's a manipulative, gas-lighter who has some kind of mental issue.

Go zero contact, do not reach out to him AT ALL. It will help you to more quickly get over him. If he should contact you then ignore him because for you to take him back AGAIN would mean that you are volunteering for whatever further pain he afflicts on you.

He's not worth your tears.

Though it's emotional and confusing I think you are already onto something. He clearly cares about you but feels compelled to move on. The guilt kept him coming back until you took on the role as the dumper. Now he shifts the guilt and blame onto you so you can carry it and he feels free to walk away and not look back.

Relationships like this are sort of a slow come undone. Both sides continue to breath life into something that has died.

If you still want to reconcile you might consider telling him that you so. But between now and tell him you will not be contacting him and begin the work on moving forward. Honestly, if he really wanted to be together he wouldn't risk losing you to begin with.

Girl, there is no future here.

A guy who is really into you doesn't break up multiple times. He's just mad because you beat him to the punch this time and his precious ego is bruised. But believe me when I say his tears and butthurty-ness isn't because he loves you. It's because you took away the convenient source of affection and attention. Even if you hadn't pulled the plug this time, he would have left again.

Sometimes you just have to finally recognize that the relationship isn't working and you're not right for each other.

No it's not your fault. He is only throwing the blame over on you but if he wanted you back there would be nothing stopping him. Don't take on that guilt it's a cowardly thing him to blame you