Struggling with a hope for someone better

This is very long; I apologize. But I would appreciate some advice, so bear with me, please.

Let me give you some context. I am a horrible person. I "settled" in my marriage, and I'm struggling. I'm committed to my wife, because I believe love involves a choice more than it does an emotional experience, but I have to confess my attraction for her is disappearing. We initially started dating because I knew she was interested in me, and I was just tired of being single and not finding anyone. I thought she was cute, and we did get along, but I was never crazy about her. I know that's a horrible reason to be with someone.

Even when I decided - and I thought about this a few times - even when I decided that maybe I should break it off with her for her own sake, I couldn't bring myself to break her heart. So I stuck it out, I grew up, and I eventually did begin to love her. I shed my mind of the idea of a dream girl and as I chose to focus on her she eventually became the girl of my dreams (or, I gave up on the idea of such a concept anyway). So we got married.

The first year was great. The second year, a bit more of a struggle. That's normal, I know. As we got used to living with one another, our annoying habits became more prevalent and we started bickering a lot. Again, I realize that happens. We push through it and move on.

Here's the problem I'm facing. And it's two-fold, so bear with me. First, though we both have our annoying habits, and we talk about them with each other, some of hers have extended beyond the point of an annoyance, to the point where they are becoming an issue in terms of being an adult and living healthily. I won't share details, but I'll just say I have to remind her constantly to take care of basic hygienic activities, and she has such disregard for her diet and health that it's not only causing her to become physically unappealing to me (not my number one concern) but it's leading to medical issues.

I talk to her about this, all the time. I try to get her to talk to me. "Tell me, is something wrong? How can I help you?" All that I ever get out of her is "I know I need to take better care of myself; I'll try harder," but unless I take her hand and walk her through the motions, and argue with her when she doesn't want to (which is common), she doesn't show any real interest in trying to do better. It is exhausting, and I feel like I waste my energy trying to help her. And I share this concern with her, too. But again, all I ever get is, "I know, and I'm sorry; I'll try harder," but with no actual indication of the fact. I'm a very patient person; I give her the benefit of the doubt. Every time she tells me she's going to try harder, I believe she will. I give her the opportunity, and I look for the evidence. But I just never see it.

Sometimes she'll ask me if she's being a good wife to me (she claims I'm a great husband, by the way... I'm not trying to make her out to be the only one with problems in an otherwise perfect relationship; I ask her about the ways in which I can improve and seek to act on her advice and wishes, and she has few complaints as a consequence - these are her words, not my own impression), but what am I supposed to say? Should I just be dishonest to make her happy? I don't want to lie to her, and burying the things that bother me, when they've become this great of an issue, is what is eroding my feelings for her.

So, I'm usually honest, and I tell her, "I know you love me, and I know you want to be a good wife to me, but these habits of yours, not taking care of yourself, it's unappealing to me, it frustrates me, and it makes it a struggle for me to be happy with you." Understandably, she gets upset at this ... but not with me ... here's the thing ... she gets upset at herself for "not doing better," resulting in her beating herself up over it emotionally, and me feeling guilty for bringing it up, and yet still nothing ever changes. It's almost as if she thinks beating herself up over it fixes the problem. It's like she's saying to herself, "he doesn't like these poor health habits of mine, and I agree they are bad habits, so I'm going to visibly share in his frustration ... but I can't be bothered to put in the effort to change my ways."

This has gotten to the point where I struggle to even find her attractive anymore, physically or otherwise. I have to force such feelings upon myself. We are not nearly as affectionate as we used to be, we don't have a lot to talk about, and we don't spend nearly as much time together as we used to.

But here's the part that makes me a jerk. I've run into a serious problem lately with thoughts about another woman. But wait for it ... this gets weird. This "other woman" doesn't exist. She's a figment of my imagination, which, as a consequence of our marital struggles, has caused me to lapse back into thinking about that 'dream girl.' What happened was a couple weeks ago I had a dream while sleeping (probably had something to do with my subconscious acting on how unhappy I've been) that vividly detailed an alternate reality in which I had met and married someone else. Dreams can feel real, and boy did this one feel real, and it was blissful. An entire story was fabricated in the dream... the girl has a name, I can identify what she looks like, what her voice sounds like, her likes and beliefs and goals, how we met, why we met, what we talked about that day, what we did on our first date, etc. If I allow myself, I can sit back and recall entire conversations, as if they really happened. My imagination has run amuck with this, to the point where I am absolutely obsessing over this fantasy. I think about it all the time.

You ever wake up one morning after a great dream, and you realize you were in such bliss that you decide to go back to sleep and keep having it? Well I managed to, and the story just progressed, through more than one dream, to the point where this completely fictional person has now taken on a real personality and presence in my imagination. It feels like she exists, like I'm dating again, like my wife isn't there, and it's just a matter of time before I go see this girl. Consciously, I know she doesn't exist. Subconsciously, my mind wants to believe she does, and wants to entertain the thought of an alternate reality. In the span of only a couple weeks, it has gotten so bad that when I tell myself I'm not going to think about this anymore, it feels like breaking up with someone I love. How ridiculous is that?

I'm finding myself struggling for hours every day with this. And though my wife is by no means to blame for my total immaturity in this matter, the more I think on it the more I start to compare the imagined woman with the real one, and it just alienates me from my wife further. In the dream, it's 10 years ago, I'm back in college, and that's where I meet this girl. This is a time in general that I really miss. A time when I made some big life mistakes that I wish I could go back and fix. So over this last decade my life has been plagued with regret over a variety of issues, wishing I could just have the last 10 years back to make some better choices. And as I think on it, my mind irrationally jumps to the conclusion that, on top of all the other regret, maybe this girl really does exist. Maybe she was there, and I just missed her.

Of course, I realize that even if that were the case, there's nothing I could do about it now, so there's no sense in dwelling on it. I need to just grow up and get over it and learn to better love the woman I committed my life to. But of course that's easier said than done. The extent to which this imaginary, alternate-reality relationship has been detailed in my mind makes it exceedingly difficult to be rational about the situation, because in my moments of intellectual weakness they seem more like pleasant memories than the complete fiction that they are. And not being happy with my wife right now makes it that much more difficult to put aside the thoughts on the dream girl and spend all my energy working on the real relationship, seemingly to no avail.

I'd appreciate any advice, for both myself and what I can do for my wife. I'm completely open to the possibility that I'm more in the wrong here than she is. I shouldn't be imagining someone better and expecting my wife to be someone she's not. I don't know how to get these thoughts out of my head, especially when more than once, having them has been beyond my control - I'll go to sleep at night, and she shows up in a dream. They are causing me to become bitter toward my wife.

On the other side of things, I'd also appreciate any advice anyone might be able to offer for how I might better help and encourage my wife to take care of herself. Again, it's my problem for thinking about someone else. I'm not saying that it's her fault, as an imperfect human being, that I'd rather be with someone else right now. But I think it goes without saying that things wouldn't be as difficult for me if she'd make more of an effort herself. Her habits are not simply a reflection of her imperfections. We all have bad and annoying habits. This goes beyond that. It isn't normal to allow those habits to progress to a point where they impede normal living as an adult. And to some extent, that's what is happening. I don't think I should have to justify to my wife why body odor, a complete aversion to exercise, and a diet of candy with a side of potatoes really bothers me. And the most irritating fact of all is that we have nearly daily conversations about such things (and a lot more ... I won't even get into finances here), yet nothing ever changes. How do you make the argument, after 4 days of failing to take care of basic hygiene, that you're "trying to do better," when you spend the next 30 minutes sitting around making promises rather than just going and taking care of it?

I don't know what to do anymore. But anyway, I would appreciate thoughts on the whole situation.

Maybe you need to stop talking (nagging) about her hygiene issues constantly? How about do/focus on something else? She knows you aren't going anywhere, hence why she pretends she's gonna change and actually never does. Maybe if you just stop caring and ignore her she'll maybe have to do something about it.

Also, you said even when you were dating you weren't that attracted to her...it's like you love her as a duty and obligation as the core feeling.

If she was clean and started exercising are you sure you'll be happy again? (I think this is something you should ask yourself)

Sorry to tell, but there's no fixing for your problem. You're just too UNHAPPY that you started to fantasize beyond limits to run off from your bad reality. It's not your job to fix your wife. Every person is responsible for their own evolution, learning and growing up. Okay, you as her husband tried to help her but one only can be helped when and if they want.

We come to this world to individually evolve and be happy so it's not your to make her happy or solve her issues. You might "help" if she wanted that, but clearly she is not interested.

Listen, go take care of your life and happiness. You are feeling so guilt about her issues that you started hallucinating. How fair is that? You'll have a break down any time soon and she will not change even if he sees you in a straight jacket. Stop beating yourself up. It's not your fault, you didn't come to the world to save her. There are people that only take action and grow after a big shock. Maybe this is her case.

Go live your life, find true love and be happy. I don't think at all you are a horrible person. You tried and did your best. Gave her all the chances to keep her marriage but she DOES'T CARE!

If you need support end encouragement to make a decision, seek for help like counselling or something, but please get out of this marriage... it's literally driving you nuts. Love yourself in first place... your hurting yourself more than your wife is.

Good luck!

Maybe you need to stop talking (nagging) about her hygiene issues constantly? How about do/focus on something else? She knows you aren't going anywhere, hence why she pretends she's gonna change and actually never does. Maybe if you just stop caring and ignore her she'll maybe have to do something about it.

Also, you said even when you were dating you weren't that attracted to her...it's like you love her as a duty and obligation as the core feeling.

If she was clean and started exercising are you sure you'll be happy again? (I think this is something you should ask yourself)

Maybe I didn't choose my words carefully enough. I didn't say that I didn't find her attractive. I said I wasn't exactly crazy about her when we started dating. But I eventually fell in love with her. Loving her was never a duty. The problem is, as you said, once she realized I was here to stay, she eventually stopped caring.

Ignoring it was the first thing I tried. I used to never talk about it. I trusted her to take care of herself. When it started to become more of an issue, I brought my concerns to her and we talked about it like two responsible adults. She was apologetic and understanding, initially. But whether I talk about it or ignore it, nothing happens unless I'm there to remind her. She takes no initiative of her own.

What I'm looking for is simply advice on how to encourage good habits, because clearly I'm not doing a very good job communicating. I know that my own side of the problem simply involves my need to grow up and get over this irrational fantasy I've been obsessing over.

As to whether I would be happy again if she was clean and exercising, these are mundane examples. The problems extend far beyond pet peeves. The bottom line is I feel taken advantage of. Because she knows I'm not going anywhere, it seems to make no difference to her whether I find her appealing, whether we get along, whether she's interested in anything I have to say (and I just mean conversation in general). Of course, again, if and when I bring these concerns to her attention, she's always apologetic, and there will be a brief period where she makes an effort to change. But within hours it's like she forgets everything and becomes oblivious again. She succeeds in putting each disagreement to rest with her apology, but that's seen as a resolution to the problem itself, though the habits persist.

As to the fantasy, that's actually a separate issue that's just complicated things. That came completely out of left field a couple weeks ago from a dream I had. Normally I would shrug it off, but the struggles with my wife over the last year have reached a point where an otherwise dismissable dream has suddenly become very appealing to occupy my mind with. Thinking on it eases the frustration I deal with, which neither helps to rid my mind of the thoughts nor focus my attention back on trying to see the good in my wife.

Thank you both for your replies, by the way.

I think that you've shown a great deal of patience and maturity as you go through this. I actually applaud you for recognizing how big of an issue this is and how you're still trying to make it work. I can tell that you genuinely want to make it work.

Have you tried couples' counseling? I think it will help you both to have an objective mediator to talk about what her actions are doing to you (losing attraction, etc.).

Have you tried counselling? Has your wife tried counselling? Have you tried going to see a counsellor together? Because if you are saying you feel taken advantage of and she clearly is set in a pattern she can't break out of, I really think you both are going to need outside help for this marriage to stand a chance of surviving. And honestly IF your wife refuses I would strongly urge you to find a counsellor (who you find is a good fit for you) and start going without her.

There are so many different elements to what's going on so it's not really going to be a simple "fix".

First of all, your wife is not happy with herself. She is not taking care of herself because she has some sort of internal pain that she hasn't dealt with. It's the same reason why addicts abuse drugs. People want to mask it and be numb and avoid avoid avoid rather than face their darkest parts and start to heal. Your wife likely DOES want to do/be better, but there is NOTHING you can do or say that will make her want to do it. She has to want it on her own... and unfortunately it might take losing you to get her there. Or that might not even be enough. Nobody will get better until they are ready; so, you can nag or ignore or kick or scream or cheer and encourage or laugh or cry... it doesn't matter. It's not your battle. That part of the journey is not yours to fix. And unfortunately, sometimes people in those situations NEED to be alone and stand on their own two feet in order to get better.

You have obviously tried to be supportive and you've tried to communicate as honestly and effectively as possible. But it's not getting through and being nice and supportive is probably just enabling her at times. At the end of the day you cannot control someone else's outcome (no matter how much we love them). But what you can control is YOUR own happiness.

You know that being with a partner who has these "habits" is not making you happy. You have communicated that. So go and seek help with a counsellor to help yourself. And beyond that I would say you need to start creating your own happiness outside of your marriage. That doesn't have to mean ending the relationship and seeing other people right away either. Maybe you start to focus more on yourself and what makes you happy. Hobbies? Career? Friends? Education?

Learning about personal BOUNDARIES is a great one!! The sooner we all learn our own boundaries about what is and is not acceptable for ourselves the sooner we really get to know ourselves and live our true authentic lives. You should take this opportunity and time to really get to know yourself and what your authentic self wants/needs from life.

Look, life is short. And you are carrying around a whole LOT of guilt and it is really benefiting no one. You need to get empowered and CLEAR on what you need in your life and relationships to be happy....because that's the only thing you can control. And who knows... maybe when your wife sees how empowered you have made your own life she will be inspired to step up and do the same?

And if not... well then you'll still have a much better idea about what to do next.

This next thing I'm going to say might sound a bit "out there" but whatever.

I'm a believer in fate, and quantum physics, and reincarnation, and all that spiritual stuff. And honestly? I think if your dreams are that vivid and this other woman is such a strong, consistent presence, then her soul is somewhere... probably linked to yours somehow. I think everyone is on the right journey at the right time to learn the exact lessons we need to learn. And your wife right now is here to teach you something and probably you to teach her. But I believe we can have many different types of love with many different souls... and it sounds (to me) like you have a soul who you can and probably in the past have had a very blissful connection with. And just because in your dreams you met in college I do not think you "missed the boat" on finding her.

IF she is out there and you are meant to find her... you will. And it probably won't be when you really really want to. It will probably be when once you've better learned your lessons, are living a more authentic life, and you least expect it

I won't share details, but I'll just say I have to remind her constantly to take care of basic hygienic activities.

Please, share details. If you want specific advice, you need to provide specific details. This could be indicative of specific psychiatric disorders (which I wouldn't dream of diagnosing, but could rule out run of the mill "she's just a slob" scenarios).

This next thing I'm going to say might sound a bit "out there" but whatever.

I'm a believer in fate, and quantum physics, and reincarnation, and all that spiritual stuff. And honestly? I think if your dreams are that vivid and this other woman is such a strong, consistent presence, then her soul is somewhere... probably linked to yours somehow. I think everyone is on the right journey at the right time to learn the exact lessons we need to learn. And your wife right now is here to teach you something and probably you to teach her. But I believe we can have many different types of love with many different souls... and it sounds (to me) like you have a soul who you can and probably in the past have had a very blissful connection with. And just because in your dreams you met in college I do not think you "missed the boat" on finding her.

Hey, I appreciate spiritual comments. I don't share the beliefs you've outlined here, but I will confess sometimes I wishthey were true, hah. I do believe in a purpose in all things (I'm a Christian), though I'd make a distinction between that and fate. But anyway, it is interesting, actually, that you mention it sounds to you like I had a past blissful connection with another soul. I don't know if you mean by that a previous life or what, but my crazy brain definitely pulled from past experiences and memories to fabricate this fantasy. The fictional woman strikes a remarkable physicalresemblance with my ex (also circa 2002-era photos of Amy Adams lol, google it). Personality, not so much, except for having a quiet, introspective nature. The dream timeline was situated about the same time my ex broke up with me (in reality). So I think clearly it's my subconscious taking the good out of past memories, dispelling of the bad, and fabricating an alternate reality. And it was just a dream, but it sticks and becomes appealing to think about because imagining an alternate reality gets my mind off of my present unhappiness.

Except, it doesn't, in the end. I ultimately just end up more depressed because I realize it's all a fabrication.

My wife is cute, but not exactly drop-dead model-gorgeous. My ex was. I was spoiled in that sense in college. I don't think missing my ex is my problem, though, because realistically I've been over her for years and I really would much rather have a best friend than good looks with nothing else. I think it's just that the unappealing habits my wife has developed has drawn my attention toward the matter of physical issues more than it has been a subject of my thinking in the past. And subconsciously I start wondering "what if" I had met someone with the looks and introspective, health-conscious attitude of my ex, but who shared with me the same kind of compatibility and friendship I have with the girl I married? The dream painted such a reality, and I'm in a place right now where it's too easy to sit and think on it.

In response to your question, no neither of us have tried counselling. I did mention to her once, regarding her spending habits, that if we continue to disagree on how to spend our money we might have to pursue that option (we'll go spend $50 on groceries and then she decides the next several days she's not in the mood for this or that; so either I cook her a meal she's not happy with - she doesn't do any cooking - or we spend more money on junk food or going out to eat while the groceries go to waste). The spending is one thing she seems to be improving on, though, so I haven't mentioned counselling to her again. Maybe I ought to give that some more thought.

Please, share details. If you want specific advice, you need to provide specific details. This could be indicative of specific psychiatric disorders (which I wouldn't dream of diagnosing, but could rule out run of the mill "she's just a slob" scenarios).

Well, I'm hesitant to say much because I do feel bad talking about her behind her back.

She'll take a weekly shower, for example, and justifies it by saying she doesn't want the hassle of having to dry her hair every day. Silly things like that. So I'll say, okay, well how about baths? "Well that's more time consuming." There's always a rationalization for everything. And I get that this specific example is more of an inconvenience than a health concern, but I raise it because sometimes she'll actually bring it on herself... she'll notice me struggling to get intimate, for instance, and wants to know what's wrong. I can shrug it off in an effort not to hurt her feelings, but she'll pry it out of me. So we end up having the conversation. And after I'll remind her that she needs to take care of yourself, her standard response is, "I know, you're right; I'll try harder," but then instead of getting up right then and doing something about it, she wants to continue getting intimate. So I go with it, trusting, yet again, that maybe she'll make good on her promise this time. But she seems to think that by pleasing me, that substitutes for actually fixing the origin of the problem. Because once she's cheering me up - once we've gotten through that moment of disagreement - there's little if any effort to do anything about preventing it from happening again.

I know that's the way she thinks because whenever we've argued about anything - whether to do with bad habits or anything else - we'll end up apologizing to one another about things, but her apology is never just an apology. She'll say she's sorry for something, and immediately she wants to know, "do you forgive me?" That may seem like a perfectly reasonable question to ask, except that I've learned that this is what she really means by it: "Have I done what I need to do so that you're no longer upset with me?" I.e., tell me my apology, by itself, fixed the problem, so that I know we're good whether I bother actually changing anything or not. And I feel like that just feeds the laziness.

But when she phrases it that way, what am I supposed to say? No, I don't forgive you? That seems like a pretty ridiculous response when you're bickering about the fact (and especially when she finally agrees) that you don't have $150 to throw away on a 60th pair of shoes. I mean it's not like she's cheating on me. So what I usually end up saying is she's always forgiven, but that that's beside the point. But I just don't feel like we get anywhere with the conversations. I feel like her apologies are an excuse; something she's saying because she just wants the argument to end.

She is someone who has to learn things the hard way, unfortunately. She's always been like that. She used to have a bad teeth-brushing habit. Despite my attempts at encouragement, she'd brush her teeth only a couple times a week. She just didn't seem to care or think about the consequences or what other people might think of it (there were even times when she legitimately seemed confused about why I didn't always exactly enjoy kissing her). Well, it got to a point where she had to have some dental work done that would not have otherwise been an issue. And I got so tired of talking to her about such a simple habit that I got fed up and just told her, we're not paying for this. I said she's going to have to work overtime and come up with the money herself. And she did, and that's no longer a problem. But it took her having to deal with the consequences herself to get around to making changes.

I write a lot. Sorry for the lengthy replies. Thank you again for your time, though. I'm not necessarily disagreeing with everyone's advice by continuing to reply... it just helps to get stuff off my chest.

She'll take a weekly shower, for example, and justifies it by saying she doesn't want the hassle of having to dry her hair every day. Silly things like that

Are you freaking kidding me????? How is taking a shower only once a week "silly"? That's not just unhygienic, it's downright disgusting. And talk about the buildup of bodily bacteria, which ends up on your sheets, on your furniture......that alone is cause for major concern.

Also, her excuse about drying her hair is insane. As a female with hair past my shoulder, first of all, I don't wash it every day, so on those days, I put it up, and don't have to worry about drying it, because it stays dry. If she's only bathing once a week, then she's only washing her hair once a week, right? 'Cause I'm not envisioning her putting her head back in the sink to do it. Furthermore, and I can't believe I'm spending the time to write this, because it's so insane......why does she need to dry her hair? About 90% of the time, I let mine air dry and just wear it straight (my hair is very straight, others have hair that curls if it's left to dry). Either way, find a great stylist who can give you a toweled-dry hair style that will look great. Sheesh.

Look, we all have that weekend-day where we skip a shower. But most of us will also have those days where we take 2 showers (workout days, for example). But once a week? This is not Renaissance times, where you took a weekly bath due to no running water.

You will not be able to change her. She has more than simply slipped into a routine of not putting forth effort because she has you; she's slipped into a slob.

I don't know the answer.

I completely understand this fabricated dream girl. I bet she's fun, she likes to go to events and try new places, I bet she works out and has lots of friends, and I bet she's full of life. And I bet your wife is nothing like that.

I do not wash my hair every day either because it's too dry to do that. I shower every single day -sometimes twice depending on the weather, etc, cover my hair if I'm not washing it (typically wash it about 3 times/week). And yes the no teeth brushing is asking for huge dental bills - especially down the road. I think you can tell her that hygiene is sexy and that her habits are a turn-off to you sexually and that actually you're concerned about getting sick because of the risk of illness from poor hygiene. Sounds like she has some kind of mental/psychological issue.

OMG I missed the part about only brushing teeth a few times a week.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can I tell you how disgusting that is!!!!!!??????????

Well, I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks I'm not overreacting. I'm a bit of a health nut myself, so I think I'm fearful that when I complain about my wife's habits people think I'm expecting too much. I agree the not-showering issue is disgusting (I haven't exactly put it that bluntly to her in conversation). By saying it's "silly" I don't mean to downplay the problem; I just mean to point out that my waning interest in her isn't due to any one issue or habit, but the combination of a lot of things. She simply doesn't seem to care about taking care of herself.

I go for a run every morning. Our schedules don't match up well enough for her to join me, but I've started walking in the evenings as well and asked her to keep me company last night, which she did. Hopefully we can make a habit of that. If the poor hygiene continues I'm going to stop being so nice and forgiving, and just start telling her you're not getting your cuddles and intimacy until I see you can take more initiative in taking care of yourself (but this just helps to perpetuate my fantasy). That's the thing; if I do nag her about something she'll eventually get up and do it. But it's exhausting and I'm tired. I won't be happy until she starts making these decisions herself. She talks about wanting children but sometimes I feel like I'm already taking care of one.

The fantasy has kind of gotten out of hand, and I don't really know what to do about it. Even when I've been unhappy with my wife I've never had a problem looking at or thinking about other women, until these last couple of weeks. And again it's not "women," it's one woman in particular, with a name, a personality, a story, looks, voice, and smile I can identify, and yet she doesn't even exist. A total fabrication of my subconscious. Maybe we've both got mental problems. I go to bed at night and struggle to get to sleep because my mind starts wandering, picturing some date or experience with this other girl in some alternate reality. It's like when you get a song stuck in your head.

She sounds like she has the hygiene of my son, who does have a myriad of mental health problems. And he wonders why no one wants to date him. And doesn't get it, even after I repeatedly tell him he needs better hygiene. He is completely oblivious of his grossness. He's very intelligent but doesn't seem to be able to grasp certain things, like other's point of view. Honestly, I think she should be evaluated. It might at least offer you some insight, and if there is something off, she can get help.

Creat, I'm sorry if you said this.....do you have young kids at home? Other reasons to keep yourselves tied together?

I hate to put it like this, but this is not the woman for you. If she indeed does have mental health problems, she needs to be the one to get that checked, and get on medication, or talk therapy, or both. If she's just given up because she "has" you, then that's too bad for you. You want a woman who will dress cute, take care of herself, and try to be her best self for the rest of your lives!

It sounds like you've talked to her ad nauseum about all of this, and I'm sorry to say, she's not likely to change.

You might get into the dating world and not find anyone like your dream woman, but you will find nice women to date, who will at least wash their hair and put on a cute outfit prior to the meet. I can assure you of that.

Creat, I'm sorry if you said this.....do you have young kids at home? Other reasons to keep yourselves tied together?

 

I hate to put it like this, but this is not the woman for you. If she indeed does have mental health problems, she needs to be the one to get that checked, and get on medication, or talk therapy, or both. If she's just given up because she "has" you, then that's too bad for you. You want a woman who will dress cute, take care of herself, and try to be her best self for the rest of your lives!

 

It sounds like you've talked to her ad nauseum about all of this, and I'm sorry to say, she's not likely to change.

 

You might get into the dating world and not find anyone like your dream woman, but you will find nice women to date, who will at least wash their hair and put on a cute outfit prior to the meet. I can assure you of that.

No, we do not have kids. She wants kids, but I don't plan on that happening anytime soon.

Sharing my concerns here seems to have done some good, though. With other people knowing about what's going on (even if you're all strangers to me) I've felt a little more justified in my frustrations, and I've been letting them show. She mentioned to me over the weekend that I've seemed more irritable lately, and wanted to talk. We sat down and had a long chat, Saturday night and then again on Sunday. I spilled everything and told her I wasn't sure this was going to work if she can't take better care of herself. I told her I didn't want to hear apologies or promises to change habits; I just want to see that she cares enough about our marriage, and about herself.

She was very upset Saturday night - actually I felt a bit like she was trying to guilt trip me into not being angry (this has worked in the past ... I'm a bit of a pushover). I didn't budge; hence she wanted to talk about it again yesterday.

It's only been a couple days but so far she's shown improvement. She's been taking care of her hygiene without me mentioning it, at least, and though I still did all the cooking (that I really don't mind) and most of the cleaning over the weekend, she did chime in to help with things. She's making some effort to eat better, and at least mentions exercising, though she's yet to do anything. I'm not overly optimistic, because her willingness to care seems to correlate to my mood, but we'll see how things progress, I guess.

I'm afraid the damage may be done in regards to the fantasy. I'll give it time too, but I've already thought on it so much I'm afraid I'm not going to get it out of my head regardless of what happens.

I'm torturing myself and I may be in trouble. I think I actually met that fantasy girl this week.

I'm torturing myself and I may be in trouble. I think I actually met that fantasy girl this week.

Jeez after reading this whole thread I'm hanging off of my seat. You are not going crazy. Do yourself a favor and look up Abraham Hicks/The law of attraction (NO NEED TO BUY ANYTHING THEY'RE SELLING) and.... UPDATE PLEASE!

Let's face it, you got exactly what you put out there. You we're lazy in looking for love and and so your love is lazy with you. Now, you repeatedly imagined something better for yourself and BOOM!