Struggling to cope

My 6 and a half year relationship ended over 3 weeks ago. We had been living together (renting) for 3 years and talked about buying a house together and marriage etc. We had a wonderful relationship, we were both just as affectionate and loving to each other as day one and I had no idea he was going to do this. He said he can't marry me because he thinks we're too different (even though this was always something he said worked really well and that we complemented each other). I was completely blindsided by this and my whole world is gone, I've had to move back in with my parents and quit my job as it's too far to commute to now.

I've lost our lifestyle and don't feel I can be around mutual friends for fear of thinking about him. Even days before he did this he was sending me suggestions for new bigger flats he thought would be great for us to go and look at and was telling me how much he loved me. It doesn't make any sense to me, people were constantly asking him when he was going to propose and I wonder if that has freaked him out (his parents had a bad divorce) and he's started picking apart all the tiny things that he's used to convince himself we wouldn't work. We're both 26 and I've been with him the whole of my adult life so I'm desperate to get him back because I love him so much and he's such an amazing man and everything I wanted. I'm destroyed and can't function without him. It feels so wrong to me to give up on such a strong relationship.

You won't like the following question, but... are you completely sure he doesn't have an affair with some other girl?

Before saying 'yes', before thinking that he's above doing something like that, think about anything weird or contradictory he may have said/done lately. I've heard too many times (and I have experienced first hand, with my relationship) of couples declaring love to each other, talking about the future, making projects... and one of them was cheating on the other.

I know that it doesn't sound right: why bothering making projects with you if he's being unfaithful? And yet, it does happen. People do the most incoherent things, sometimes.

I may very well be wrong, and I sincerely hope I am, but in my opinion it's an hypothesis you should take in consideration.

Honestly he would not do that. There isn't anyone else, mutual friends (who I trust) have assured me that it isn't about that at all, he just felt differently about the relationship. There weren't any signs of anything like that.

I think the best thing you can do right now is hit the gym. Weights are the best thing ad when you're running or doing cardio you're mind can easily wonder due to being able to zone out easily.

Do a program like strong lifts easy to do and will help your body become amazing and the endorphins and change you'll witness will help you a ton! I was depressed for a few weeks and thought if my ex saw me now I would have no chance anyway I'm a mess

Sorted myself out a lot, and even though she's seeing someone else right now ( I'm dating again too nothing serious) she commented on how good I was looking, compared to last time I saw her she barely gave me the time of day, boosted my confidence and having other people look at you again is a great help

Honestly I know people spout this gym crap a lot but it's the best way, and even if you don't get him back you'll be way more attractive, get someone better and may not even want him back. Keep your head up Xx

I've barely been eating so I've actually lost about 24 pounds since it happened and I can't really afford the gym as I've had to move back in with my parents and quit my job as it is too far away now to get to. That's what is also so hard is I have lost my whole lifestyle of living in London in our flat together as well and my job there and our mutual friends. My whole world has been shattered.

I feel you, I lost almost a stone, the one good thing about the breakup is the weight loss because you can channel that into a banging body gives you a head start!

Try find a cheap gym if you can it will help a hell of a lot, i feel your pain though it's horrible to go through, don't stalk their social media and try do no contact as best you can, contacting them while you're like this will just make you sad and over analyse anything they say. I can just about manage to speak to my ex now, even wished her well in the new relationship but that's because I'm finally getting to grips with being alone

Takes a while it's not overnight, I wasn't eating for a few weeks either and then one day, I was just hungry and ate a full meal, next day 2 meals, 3rd day I had about 3 takeaways and that's when you know you can survive!

6 years is a long time... unfortunately it's gonna take quite a while before you'll actually feel better, but what you do during this time will also determine how long the process will take. I'm going through pretty much the same thing, right now.

You said you've lost your mutual friends; have you got any other friend not linked to him? Someone trusted, someone you actually want to spend time with? If you have any, it's time to call them.

Since you said you've also quit your job, you're probably also gonna spend some time at home. Find something you like to do at home: watching movies, TV series, reading... whatever you like. I play videogames, for example. Something to keep your mind occupied at least a little bit. All these things are not gonna solve your problem, they're tools to 'control damage' until more time passes.

As weeks and months pile up, you'll feel a bit better. Time heals everything, we just need the patience and the strength to make it through these rough times.

As for contacting/not contacting him... a lot of people here would probably suggest to shut off every contact with him, and I'm among them. It really depends on the situation and if you want to try to get him back. What I can say is: if you decide to go into No Contact, try to not break it, ever. Not even if he contacts you, unless he says something really meaningful. It's very, very hard, but you're doing it for yourself and for your well being. If you feel urge to contact him, come to these forums and write here instead.

Feeling blindsided is something I'm quite familiar with. Unfortunately, people just do it. It can be one of the worst things to cope with in life. The question of why they did it will consume you but eventually you'll understand why. Eventually you'll be glad they're not around around. (I know it may seem impossible to believe now) Just put your shoes on each morning and keep going, believe in hope for life to get better, as it will. You are capable and deserving of love, and you will find it again.

I'm finding it so hard today to not contact him, I miss him so much and hate not knowing what's going on in his life, I want to be with him more than anything. I'm so hurt that he can just not speak to me and cut me out of his life so completely, it feels like he doesn't care about me at all. We haven't spoken since 23rd July and it's killing me. I'm so lonely and I have had phone calls with friends and even went back to London to see some old work friends the other day but whilst I felt glad I went I was so anxious and just wanted to go back to our flat where I know he was only 20 mins away. I love him more than anything and this feels so wrong to me to be apart, we were always so great together I can't understand it. I feel like I want to fight for us but there isn't anything I can do.

I feel like I'm not going to get past this. Every day I'm praying he will text me or turn up at my parents house and say he made a huge mistake. I hate being cut out of his life so completely, I don't believe that he doesn't love me anymore. I'm getting worse, I don't get out of bed until 2pm and just am in a state of depression and anxiety all the time. I miss him so much, I can't handle this.

It's still early to expect any real progress. Getting over a long relationship is perhaps one of the most emotionally draining processes we can ever go through. My only real advice is to not contact him, it would only do worse right now. You will get past this, even if it seems impossible now.

I feel your pain I am recently out of a 7 yr breakup and it hurts like nothing I've ever felt before.

Be kind to yourself. Through great pain comes great strength and you will come out of this much stronger and wiser. I am just focusing on getting through the day at the moment and trying to keep my head above the water.

Go read the breakup recovery guide online. It really helped me. I think it's http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

My wife (ex) did the same to me after 24 years. I SWORE it couldn't be cheating and stayed in contact with her for 8+ months thinking for sure I'd win her back. WRONG. It WAS cheating and with a family friend too. I only found out because I saw a text on my daughters phone. You'll be surprised what people are capable of when they move on or want out. Good luck, it sucks but it's survivable and does get better

Thank you for your words of encouragement everyone. I really struggle day to day, I just feel so hopeless and lonely. I can't get the thought of reconciliation out of my head. We were together for a few months 8 years ago and broke up for a year and he came back and realised no one else was right for him and could match the connection we had. We'd been together 6.5 years happily since. So I have a feeling this may happen again one day, I know we should be together. It all just makes it so hard.

Everyone's talking about weight loss but I actually gained a lot post breakup because I stopped my regular workout routine and fell into the trap called stress eating.

But I've recently just hit working out again (a few weeks after breakup) and I don't go to the gym. You can exercise at home like I do I have weights, a mat, and a treadmill and I guess that's enough. It really helps. Also, I just started grad school last week and it's been keeping me busy so I had less time talking about him. Try to be busy with moving forward (career, fitness, studies) and fill your time no matter how hard it is. Once they become a habit, it gets easier.

Maybe right now you can convince yourself that these will make him realize his loss or he will regret losing you or that after a year he will be impressed by you. But the main goal is that eventually you won't even care what he thinks anymore. However, whatever motivates you at the moment to get up and work toward self-improvement is best.

Maybe anger can also help you (as long as it does not become self-destructive or vengeful). Instead of missing him, think of how he disrespected you or mistreated you just enough to convince yourself you don't need a man like that and that you certainly cannot depend on a person who does that.

Also, important... DO NOT CONTACT HIM! For healing, not for playing games, not for making him miss you, just for yourself--to prove to yourself that you can survive days, weeks, months without him. I guarantee it will really help.

Immediately after break up I managed 6-7 weeks NC! Unfortunately I had to contact him twice for his stuff. The contact took me a few steps back but I can still see the advantage of the NC I did. Contacting him will do nothing but make you feel worse and considerably delay your healing. Nothing he can respond you with will make you feel better, because let's face it... anything less than a direct declaration of wanting to reconcile will just break our hearts all over again.

I am so sorry you are hurting so bad. I totally get it. My bf of 17 years broke up with me July 17th out of nowhere and my life is shattered.

Unlike me you are still young and have so much life in front of you.

I didn't eat for 2 weeks, but am slowly starting to again. I make myself go for a 4o minute walk each day. The air and sun will do wonders for you. Since you had to quit your job, have you thought about looking for work closer to your parents home ?

I, too, am hoping mine will come back, but we have to move forward just in case they don't. I googled everything about how to get over heartbreak online and that has helped some.

What you do not want to do is contact him. It will make it harder for you and he will get annoyed. Give him the chance to miss you.

Wishing you peace and healing

It's been 6 weeks now and I feel like I didn't fight for us enough and I don't think I'd forgive myself if I didn't try one more time as it still feels so wrong. I've decided to write him a letter putting down all the things I realise I did wrong and how I am working on issues that may have been the problem and just reminding him of all the happiness we have had together. I miss him immensely and I feel like I have to act.

It's been 6 weeks now and I feel like I didn't fight for us enough and I don't think I'd forgive myself if I didn't try one more time as it still feels so wrong. I've decided to write him a letter putting down all the things I realise I did wrong and how I am working on issues that may have been the problem and just reminding him of all the happiness we have had together. I miss him immensely and I feel like I have to act.

Postpone that letter, and post it here instead. I'll tell you why.

I'm recently out of a 6 year relationship with my ex-GF. The relationship was great, despite being a LDR for the last couple of years. We were best friends, had similar interests, career paths etc...we could do no wrong together. We never fought, we hardly argued, we laughed and went on holiday, we could sit in silence or speak about the day's news (and our views would match, or we'd come to some mutual understanding etc.). Things were great.

I found out that she had been emotionally cheating on me with a guy she had recently met for a couple of days. On trying to fix the issue, it was clear that she had been having relationship doubts for around a year, feeling like our spark had gone (well, we were in a LDR and that was coming to an end in a couple of months). She never spoke to me once, never communicated her doubts or tried to do anything to fix things. Funnily enough, her previous relationship ended in a similar way (I found out that she physically cheated on him too).

I'm sorry to say that it does sound like your ex-BF has his eye on someone else. He may not be cheating, but he may see possibilities to have a relationship with someone else or is otherwise getting his ego stroked.

Don't send that letter, because he is too emotionally immature to fix things that he felt were not working in the relationship. Without speaking to you, and like my ex, he let his side of the relationship wither and die emotionally. You don't want to be begging with a person like that. To top it all off, if he is having thoughts of infidelity or was in fact cheating (even sending a few messages to some girl), that's even more reason to not send your letter.

You need to be strong as steel right now. Fake it until you make it. Staying complete no contact is the best way for him to become curious about you, recognise your strength in moving on, and reaching out.

I had the exact same feelings about fighting for the relationship. I actually said to her before breaking up with her that I wasn't going to lose her without a fight - but that was futile really. She was so confused and emotionally unstable that nothing I was going to say or do would have changed her attitude. We needed to break contact immediately, and give each other space. So, that's why I actually broke up with her in the end, to preserve my dignity.