Does it get better?

So I was with my partner for 12 years on and off. We were friends in school so have known each other since we were 13, now 31. She broke up with me last year quite epically at the same time I'd quit my job, we'd moved to the other side of the country to start fresh and a family member had passed away.

I had been in the new house 2 weeks. I move out, go back to my old job and we have no contact for a year. I recently broke it as I said a year ago that I would reach out when ready as she wanted to stay friends.

We met a few days ago and it have REALLY messed me up. She got with someone pretty much straight away and they're living together. They've been together a year. She didn't even wait a month. I had my suspicions but it was all confirmed the other day. I tried to play it cool as I didn't want her to see how devastated I was. She decided that she didn't regret being with me and we had a good time but it was easy and comfortable and she wanted to meet to tell me in person as it was the right thing to do. She said she wanted to be civil for the sake of our mutual friends and I said so not because you want to try and be friends ourselves. It felt like an ambush where I thought we were going to hang out and try to forge a new friendship but she used it as a way to clear her conscience about the way it all happened.

I'm at a loss. I love her despite everything. I hate that I was right about her co-worker that ended up moving up to be with her, I hate that I still want her to like menor want me as a part of her life but now she just wants to 'keep in touch' and I have to make all the effort by letting her know when I'm next up as she does t want to see me next week when she is off.

How can I mean so little after so long? Why can't I let go? I feel like I can't move on and I don't want anyone but her but it's been a year since we broke up and that's the time she spent with my replacement.

Any advice would be much appreciated. How do I feel better and what should I do?

Thank you

God I'm hurting so bad. It's like the breakup all over again. Can't eat, can't sleep, can't think straight. I can only think of how they're together and how worthless I am to her. I want to hate her but can't. I just want her back, but the real version not the ice queen she has become.

I cannot say I have a proper way to handle it, I can definitely understand how difficult your situation must be.

Perhaps one thing that might help is what you stated in your last post, about wanting her back, the real version as you call it, not the ice queen. What helped me was to update this 'real version' for myself, as that version is actually the image you have of her in your head. I do not wish to tarnish that image, if you had a good relationship, you should appreciate the time together. Yet the woman who currently lives under the name is not that 'real version' so perhaps she evolved into being this new version, so to speak. This is what I mean with 'updating' your vision. The person still exists, she is still alive, yet the person that currently lives is not the person you have in your mind. It helped for me to say that the person I want back is the one in my mind, not the one who currently exists, but the one in my mind is no longer there. The only one I can get back is the one that currently exists, but this is not the person I want back in my life. The train of thought is kind of hard to explain, so I hope I kind of get the point across. If not please say so.

This is not to downgrade the relationship you have, nobody may touch my fond memories, not because I want them back but it would spit on the good times. You would also not start changing all your fond memories of deceased relatives would you? So by all means, appreciate those good times and keep the memories. But try to acknowledge that those are definitely in the past.

Furthermore, it is good that you shout your heart out in an environment such as this or with friends (be weary of the mutual friends though, they might spill beans) and family. Do not try to talk to her about it at this point as you clearly are still hurt by it. And difficult as it is, try to re-direct your focus to yourself. I understand that you are constantly thinking about them together, but this is torturing you and they will not notice a thing of it. If you are constantly thinking about that, the only person you are hurting is yourself. Try to re-direct this into healing yourself, getting the relief of the pain in healthy ways. It is hard and it will take some time, but try to stop caring about what she does with her life and what she thinks, and start caring about what you do with yours. Definitely easier said than done (still busy with it myself).

Also you might still initiate some more NC for yourself. Get some space and time, while she wants contact it is hurting you at this point. So try to remove yourself from the source of your pain. This is completely up to you. I am not a professional in getting over breakups (just in one myself at this moment). But do keep venting your pain here.

I hope that might give you a start, I always try to remember that this is a process or journey and it is done step by step. While the first couple are very hard, you eventually pick up the pace and get used to the journey. Just do not think time alone will heal your wounds.

Not to put salt on the wound, but... you broke NC. You recontacted her. That's the worst thing you can ever do, if you're not fully healed. And even if you are, why bother? Better safe than sorry. By letting her again in your life you open yourself to all kinds of horrible news which can completely devastate any progress you have made.

She wanted to stay friends? Who the hell cares about what she wants! It doesn't matter in the slightest. The only thing that matters is you and your well being. Restart NC immediately and if she ever contacts you, don't even answer her. You don't owe her anything, not even an explanation for your actions. As loip9114 said, she's not anymore the person you used to love. She's someone else now.

Do you remember the Robocop movies? When we saw through Robocop's visor and, when he would came across bad guys, the visor would say "HOSTILE" (or something like that). She's like that, now. She does no good to your life, so don't let her in ever again.

I know this is no help but I'm angry for you. I read your situation and can't help feeling angry about the situation.

I hope the pain subsides soon!

Thank you all. Your responses have been fantastic and very helpful. The analogies are very useful at a time when it is hard to see the wood for the trees.

I was worried my anger towards it all was unjustified, after all no one is a saint in a relationship. I think I am hurting over the second rejection as it appears she does not want to try and have me in her life. Rejection again after she totally ruined my life. Yet I still find myself loyal and defending her. I just don't want her to hate me. She got her absolution so I can't yell at her how I really feel but least she thinks I am not bothered or still hanging on even though I am.

I can't believe she's throwing everything away, school, college, uni and living together. Yes it wasn't perfect but she means the world to me. Shame she doesn't feel the same.

I had been making progress, I've been going to the gym, although she did comment that my replacement has muscles too. Great!! I got myself a nice car and yes although I am living with family still as I can't afford to move out (thanks to her and the house) that is my next step.

I shall walk away again. Continue with the gym and save for my own place. I am a long way off meeting anyone else but I need to learn to love myself as she has shattered my confidence again.

I guess the old saying you hurt those closest to you is true.

Thank you all for your words and compassion. It has made me smile.

It's disappointing that sometimes we have these expectations of mutual understanding with an ex, and then they come in and shatter our world again. You're not alone.

You're back into a rut because of her actions and what she has told you, but at least now, you know. You don't have an idea of your ex that is different from reality anymore. No - I think now you can legitimately begin to heal from the breakup. This too shall pass. Give it time, and work on yourself.

Re: her talking about her replacement and his muscles. You don't need to listen to that. If you ever see her again and she brings it up, tell her you don't really care to hear about him. You do need to hold your head up high, but you do not need to pretend not to be hurting at all. Respectful assertiveness is not a bad thing, and neither is ignoring her completely (i.e. NC).

Thank you all. Your responses have been fantastic and very helpful. The analogies are very useful at a time when it is hard to see the wood for the trees.

 

I was worried my anger towards it all was unjustified, after all no one is a saint in a relationship. I think I am hurting over the second rejection as it appears she does not want to try and have me in her life. Rejection again after she totally ruined my life. Yet I still find myself loyal and defending her. I just don't want her to hate me. She got her absolution so I can't yell at her how I really feel but least she thinks I am not bothered or still hanging on even though I am.

 

I can't believe she's throwing everything away, school, college, uni and living together. Yes it wasn't perfect but she means the world to me. Shame she doesn't feel the same.

 

I had been making progress, I've been going to the gym, although she did comment that my replacement has muscles too. Great!! I got myself a nice car and yes although I am living with family still as I can't afford to move out (thanks to her and the house) that is my next step.

 

I shall walk away again. Continue with the gym and save for my own place. I am a long way off meeting anyone else but I need to learn to love myself as she has shattered my confidence again.

 

I guess the old saying you hurt those closest to you is true.

 

Thank you all for your words and compassion. It has made me smile.

Rock on. I made a mistake similar to yours too. After breaking up with my ex, we tried to stay friends, only to fall into a relationship again. This happened a few times for me (we broke up, reconciled, broke up, reconciled - like a loop).

Breaking up, not healing properly and continue to see the other person as a "friend" is devastating. I went through it, it was horribly painful.

The saying "once an ex, always an ex" is true. Move forward with your life, don't ever look back. I am on day 17th of my NC journey. My heartbreak is healing, slowly but surely. I believe you will heal too. We are all on this journey together.

Yes..iv been in a year NC also. But I do understand how you feel. At night it's hard not to cry yourself to sleep, mornings we're the worst for me shortly after the breakup. It was intense anxiety, Forget eating, I was checking my phone constantly, did I get a text? Email? What are they doing ? Who are they with. I was consumed by it. Weekends were pretty bad to, I'd lay on the couch, the TV would be on but I was so zoned out. I'd sleep most of the day, you can't feel pain when your sleeping. I'd cry pretty much on and off for days at a time. It took so much energy to do anything. I just didn't care . The first few weeks are the worst, after that you can a least somewhat start to function again, although for me I did alot of acting around people. For months I'd still wake up hurting ,sometimes I'd cry. I like you reached out about 6 months after NC ..what a waste..I got nothing in return ..I still care for him and wish him the best though . My advice is,ofcorse your pride ,ego and self-esteem took a major hit. I'm sure you meant something to them though - don't think for one min you didn't. You can care, you can cry, but still continue to move forward, go back to using NC. But take care of yourself also. My ex is dating somebody to, and theres nothing I can do about it. I accept it, I hate it, but I accept it. Try and remove all reminders of your ex, change the way your bedroom is set up. Move stuff around, anything to create change . Rediscover yourself. What makes you happy(besides your ex). I had a hard time moving on. But I forced myself to start going out. It was so hard. But I did it,iv got to know so new people and made some new friends. All not possible had we not broken up . Your going to have feel good days, days that you want to text your ex, if feels good to reach out at first, but when you don't get the response your hoping for it feels even worse then before ..don't torture yourself. You deserve better. And you know deep inside you can do better, it's just having to start all over that's the pain. Don't make time for somebody who doesn't make time for you, your only intention was to keep your ex smiling and be there for her. She decided that wasn't for her, so who's loss is it really?

IMO, it's a bit too late now, but I would refrain from discussing about the relationships that each other have been in during the first few post-breakup meetups.

What's the point? Neither you or your ex has any obligation to be loyal and faithful. Who cares if your ex has slept with other people? YOu could have done the same.

If your ex bragged about how he/she had sexual relationships with dozens of people, you could either ask him/her to change topic, or simply stand up and leave the restaurant/place. It wouldn't be awkward, you don't have to listen to all those things that might still be hurting you.

Wow. I am overwhelmed by the support everyone is giving. Truly I thank you. It is so helpful to know that you are not alone and that it is normal to feel as horrendous as I do.

It's interesting how one half of a split seems to be so shaken and the other less so. She had it easy which I find very unfair, although I know that is quite a childish view. I definitely struggle with the respectful assertiveness as I am so busy trying to be nice and show her I am ok/unfazed and sorry for my part that i don't show any backbone where I should be telling her to do one and leave me alone.

Instead I just tried to make sure she didn't hate me. Feel very foolish for that now. My family and some of my friends think I am crazy for even trying and caring as she didn't give two hoots about the mess she left behind.

No contact is a must. This I have learned the hard way. Even though I would love to text her my thoughts on final time, I know it will be pointless. Not knowing eases the pain and I hope time will help me heal my confidence.

Thank you all again. You have helped more than you realise.

I think that's the beauty of this place, we are not alone (hence the title) which does definitely give strength.

It seems like it, but as you say one is less than the other. In my view it just means both parties are taking it hard, just one is taking it very hard. Yet the dumpee, while at first taking it very hard might actually be in the better position (I am always that position unfortunately). Because, the dumper must always live with their decision, knowing THEY might have actually thrown away the best thing they ever had. It is not crazy that you care for her, you've known her for a very long time and had a very long relationship. I've been trying to get some idea of how long it takes to get over a relationship, some say 2-3 months, others say for each month count a week, some even say an equal amount of time as the relationship lasted. My message from this is simply, it differs for each and every person. So take YOUR time, not what others think should be the time you need, take however long you need to.

Also it's not a race, if she is faster so be it. If you are faster so be it. Good that you see no contact is a must, also do not compare yourself to her or the image you want her to have of you. One of my colleagues at one point (not about a breakup or anything) said 'You do you' meaning just do what you like and feels right for you. Another one I put in the equation there is 'Will it help you?'. Meaning whenever you take a step think of what it will bring you and what the consequences of the step would bring you. For example, What if I contact her? Well it might give you some relief as it scratches the itch to contact her. But what will be her response? will it be nice, will it be awfull? How will I benefit or get better from that?. Most of the times my answers regarding my ex are a definite 'no it won't help' as I would be ashamed, scared of hearing stuff I do not want to hear, or possibly just getting ignore. All of which would set me back. So it won't help me, so I should not do it.

While all our stories are unique, we can share our feelings and experiences. So yes, we are not alone in this endeavour! Thankfully that makes it a bit easier.

Its amazing how much of an impact someone can have even a year later. I'm coming to that point myself.

I made the mistake of texting my ex 6 months in and got no response. A month or so ago she emailed me about something logistical. From her tone she seemed to come across as overly nice (offering to pay a bill that was mine but in her name). I said I would love to see her again. She responded but didn't answer. I asked her if I should stop asking and she never responded again.

All I was looking for was a "no thanks" or "I don't think it would be a good idea" but all I got was silence. Pretty messed up when this was a person you thought you would spend the rest of your life with. I now get the courtesy of a telemarketer calling during dinner.

Things like this, and your situation, are initially very hurtful. But, they have the long term effect of moving you closer to getting over them. It's the doubt and what ifs that keep you hanging on so long (mine gave me some doozies to cling to). Since that happened I've finally come to the conclusion she is never coming back. Sad, but is the first REAL step in healing.

But you also have to be honest with yourself. You don't want her as a friend, you never did. Even if you managed a friendship it would have been a fallacy and hurt you even more. The only time you can be friends is when you are indifferent. And then you won't want to be friends.

This is a minor setback that will eventually put you in a better place. The woman you loved is dead, the "ice queen" is who she is now.

You are all amazing and have offered excellent advice and words of wisdom. I hope one day I am able to do the same.

I just don't understand how after all this time and everything that happened that it is normal for me to care still, but she doesn't. She seems very happy with her new partner which kills me. I know that feeling is normal as I've been replaced.

I have not been with anyone else since the breakup as I felt like I would be cheating on her and would destroy any chances we may have had in reconciling. I know that isn't going to happen but I still can't face the thought of trying again with someone as I am so scared of getting hurt again. I think my reasoning is that if someone I knew so very well and from childhood could do what they did without a second thought, someone I have known a lesser time may be capable of worse and I'll be hurt even more so what's the point. I know that's a negative mindset and something to work on.

She cannot be alone and has always had someone else lined up. At least I have been on my own and grown in my own way.

I want to block her number again but still worry about how she and our friends will view it. I don't want people to think I am weak and pathetic and not over her. Clearly I'm not and i am scared I never will be.

I have found it confusing where people are like you should be over it by now etc but then on here many people are in the same boat of it having been a long time yet still not healed. Thank you for helping me see it takes as long as it takes and is a personal thing.

She did meet me so I guess that shows she doesn't hate me. Even if it was just to ease her guilt.

I just don't know how to play it with friends and family anymore. They know i came off worse and again it makes me feel stupid.

Sometimes I wish we'd never met. I wish I meant more to her. I wish things were different. I wish I wasn't so soft. I just want the pain to stop and to be free of her but in letting go I feel like I've failed. I don't even know how to let go as I thought everything I had been doing had been helping and now I am not so sure. Meanwhile she is perfectly set up and doesn't look back. You would think that knowing this would be a good motivator to walk on but for some reason I'm finding it impossible.

I like that you use the word 'seems'. Because we can over-analyze her situation as much as we want. Because it might seem she is happy, but she also tries to just not show you that she is fazed and hurt by it all. Or yeah she could actually be very happy. What difference does this actually make for your feelings? At some point I noticed that these are all thoughts in our heads, and really they are only our thoughts. We can make them be anything we want them to be. So if we make them to be these thoughts that hurt us, are we then not hurting ourselves? So I tried to stop thinking about it. Is she happy and glad without me? Is she hurting without me? Is everything ok or not?

These are all thoughts and questions focussed on her well-being, which is a natural state during a relationship and actually in any good relation you care about. But at this point, you need to focus on yourself. So am I happy? Probably not. Am I hurt? Yes. Well then what can I do to become happy? GET HER BACK!!! (shouts the heart) oh wait no, that won't work. Uhm something else then . So focus on yourself, not on her.

Not wanting someone else is also natural, that will grow again. This is of course clearly the thinking pattern 'Better the devil you know' which is natural for humans, we hate uncertainty. You need to go through all those stages again of dating, getting to know each other, arguments, first fights. ugh so much work. Then again, also you can get that new unexplored adventurous feelings. New person, new ideas, new physical attraction, new dinners at old places. Who knows, with all the knowledge you've gained from your previous relationship you might do it better and you might even find someone who really fits with you. I would not say 'is better than your ex', because that means you have to compare which is not only impossible but also wrong. But a better fit for you, clearly she was lacking in somethings and probably exceptional in others. But that was then, this is now.

About blocking her number, see it as standing up for yourself. You still need to heal, some might say 'pffh you're still not over it'. Well maybe one day they might be struck be an equal blow and also take a long time. Who knows? who cares what they think? Just do it for yourself! Protect yourself, stand up for yourself. Anybody who is willing to say 'I am not ok' in an environment with people who might mock them is actually very strong in my eyes. It takes courage and strength to admit that after all this time you are still hurt. Feelings and emotions are not weakness. But not standing up for yourself is, not doing what is best for you is. As we said everybody has their time, this is yours. So just tell people, I still need to heal, I still have pain, and I still need help. It is a vulnerable position, but not a weak one (they may seem similar, but they are not). Vulnerable, yet strong.

Just ask family and friends for some more support. Ask them if you can lean on them just a little more. Tell them that the recent event just re-surfaced old feelings which you thought were processed. Take it easy with them, so they can be patient. And perhaps after a while ask them if they'd like to come for a drink and talk about it, your treat. Or express your gratitude for their help in the past and ask them if they are willing to give you a bit more.

Naturally you'd wish never havign met at this point, you're hurt. After any pain we always wish we hadn't done that. Eventually we will learn from that pain and avoid making the same mistake. You haven't failed, not yet. If you give up, then you fail. If you let this consume you, you fail. You aren't consumed yet, you are not done in yet, You are still alive and you still have strength to move forward. So you haven't failed. For now forget about letting go, that is a stage a bit latter on. Go through your feelings first, then eventually you will start to feel more strength and eventually you have enough to start really letting go. You'll get there when you get there, take it step by step. No need to rush, if you rush you might put a bandage on your heart and it will bleed again later on. The pain gets less and less if you just keep your head up and strong. Cry if need be, Shout if need be, just give the pain the space to be. It will hurt so much mentally and physically, but pain is one temporarily if you give it the time to be felt. If you repress it will come back with a vengeance.

So do not forget about her, just try to not focus on her. Focus on yourself. Let the pain, feelings and emotions run their course. And stand up for yourself, be your own ally. If you need to block her, do it. Do what you need to do for you. Listen to both your heart and your head, let them converse with each other before making a move.

I just don't understand how after all this time and everything that happened that it is normal for me to care still, but she doesn't. She seems very happy with her new partner which kills me. I know that feeling is normal as I've been replaced.

I'm experiencing the very same thing. We're here suffering, they moved on and replaced us in the blink of an eye. That would probably mean they're not worth our time anymore, and I keep telling myself that, but the pain doesn't care about what I say.

I have not been with anyone else since the breakup as I felt like I would be cheating on her and would destroy any chances we may have had in reconciling. I know that isn't going to happen but I still can't face the thought of trying again with someone as I am so scared of getting hurt again. I think my reasoning is that if someone I knew so very well and from childhood could do what they did without a second thought, someone I have known a lesser time may be capable of worse and I'll be hurt even more so what's the point. I know that's a negative mindset and something to work on.

I don't think it's a negative mindset: it's a realistic prediction on what's more statistically likely to happen. Humans, as a whole, are selfish and tend to lie a lot, especially to those closest to them. There are exceptions, but my experience tells me that during the course of your life you meet very, very few people you can really trust. Romantic relationships are the worst when it comes to lying and being selfish: they can bring both the best and the worst out of people. The first few months (or even years, if you're lucky) it's usually the best. Afterwards, well...

And yet... unless we want to live as hermits, we have no choice but to play the game, hope we make good choices and try not to get too hurt in the process.

She cannot be alone and has always had someone else lined up. At least I have been on my own and grown in my own way.

Again, same as my situation. The old one gets thrown away, a new one is already there (and probably was since some time). A very, very common practice. Common and disgusting.

I want to block her number again but still worry about how she and our friends will view it. I don't want people to think I am weak and pathetic and not over her. Clearly I'm not and i am scared I never will be.

Forget about what she and your friends would think about it. Especially, forget about what she thinks. If blocking her number eases you pain a little bit, so be it. You don't owe explanations to anybody, especially not her. This is one of the times in our life in which we must do whatever it takes (within some boundaries, of course) to make it through. If your friends understand that, good; if they don't, it's not your problem.

Are you sure you folks aren't trained counsellors because you are giving me such hope and reassurance!

I am hurting, yes, very much so. The want to fix it all and make it all better is overwhelming. It's almost as if I need to prove I am not that bad, unlovable or bad. It's as if I am craving her validation as to me she is up on a high pedestal as I can't have her and she doesn't want me around.

I am not innocent. We had our fights, I was mean but never violent it's not in my nature. Most of the time I was a bit of a tool was because I wanted reassurance and validation.

I remember during the move up north last year we had an epic fight over her dad and the piano. He was always interfering and I was just trying to show we could manage ourselves. It escalated and she said it was that fight that sealed the deal. When we got home she slept downstairs. I was gutted but stubborn. The next day we went for a meal with a friend and got home around 8pm. She said she had to drop a card off at work. By 1am I gave up and called her workplace to hear she's left with him at 11:30. She got in at 2am and I flipped saying where have you been, I called the lab etc. All she could say was I was making things easier for her, why did I call the lab. I was crushed. She knew before we even moved she was going to end it but strung me along. When she finally did it she wanted to stay friends. Looks like that lasted all of 5mins.

She was my best friend and I wonder if that hurts the most. She was the closest thing to me. My confidante, my partner in crime. She was the first person I ever told about some childhood abuse so that may be why I am having a hard time in losing her.

I am not innocent. I tried to break it off with her many times as I didn't feel good enough for her and didn't always feel the love from her. She said we had been over for years before she finally left. That hurt a lot as I suggested couples counselling and allsorts but she said she didn't want to try anymore.

The other day she asked if I would be ok hanging out with her and him. I was dying inside but said yeah as long as he doesn't mind me being around. I have zero intention of doing so. I don't even know why I agreed. Too busy trying to be ok I suppose.

Before we even thought about moving he came over one day and didn't leave til 2am. I made a joke about him being my competition. Funny how that turned out. I didn't like him then. He was too friendly. He came over with a bottle of vodka, beer and a massive box of chocolates. It seemed like overkill to me. It was obvious to me a relationship was developing. I hate that I knew it and saw it and couldn't do anything to stop it. She said I had nothing to worry about. Brilliant seeing as now they're are living together in the house I paid half for and she bought a lot of my furniture for literally a few pounds here and there as I felt so bad charging her.

I messed up. I know I shouldn't have put work first, I know I could have been less paranoid. I could have been better, but then so could she.

Her attitude hurts me. She doesn't care and has successfully moved on. Even though she has been an epic ass to me I still just want to fix things.

The updating the vision of her is what I need to focus on I think. That and not being afraid to stand up for myself. I need to get a backbone.

Another thing that hurt was when she started her new job I walked with her the 45mins walk to keep her mind busy and tell her she'd be great. I then walked home.

Once she broke up with me and I was still there she would be up all night texting and calling him. I stupidly would offer her lifts on the days she slept in or her alarm didn't go off just so she wouldn't be late.

We tried to watch a film together but he called towards the end and she ran off and then went to bed without saying anything. Afterwards I went up and told her that was harsh as she wouldn't do that to a friend and I was mad about it. She said sorry but that was it.

And now she's cleared her conscience. I've lied and said we're good even though I am angry, hurt and rejected.

She sometimes came down south to see one of my friends (that she didn't even like to start with). Gave her some of my stuff she found even though I told her before nc I didn't want it and was basically I though keeping tabs on me. All she could say was I intend on staying friends with her. I have cut my losses with my ex friend as she was no help at all and was a go between. I didn't know she was with him at this point so stupidly hoped she was coming down to see how I was. Evidently not.

Apologies for the rant. Seeing her has clearly brought everything back to the surface.

Rant as much as you want, it helps clear the system right?

None of us are innocent, none of us are perfect. We make mistakes, we have our faults. That is what makes us human. Just write those faults down or remember them and work on them later on. Do not beat yourself up over them.

Of course she was your best friend, I think that is a very healthy basis for any relationship. Being able to talk about pretty much anything, that's called trust and connection. As a friend of mine said, not only do you lose your partner you also lose one of your most go to places whenever you are stressed out.

This may sound harsh, but I think you actually helped her heal herself. By being there for her, when she was texting your etc. She was able to slowly get over you, while you were kept in the rut.

And yes clearly stuff resurfaced, but that is good. You can now process it properly and move forward. It already kind of sounds like you have more of a vision where the path is. So that's already some progress in the right direction. There will be ups and downs, but you can keep it going in the right direction.

Yes I was afraid I had made it easier for her by going off radar completely for a year. Seems to have worked for her.

I thought that cooking and cleaning and taking care of her during her new job and house move stress would show her I cared and wanted to make it work. I even bought her some new pastels for the blackboard that was on the wall. She had a go at me for that and I still don't know why. She used them to draw some Disney characters to show him. Again fantastic.

One of our mutual friends told her to leave me be and give me time as it was too soon for us to be friends. That was around 6mths ago.

A friend of mine at work urged me to contact her incase a year would be too late. It obviously was.

She asked if I was seeing anyone and I said no and that I was focussing on myself. As that is what I need to do.

She has clearly given up on me and the friends idea. I don't blame her she has her partner to consider. I just need to figure out how to let go and remove the hold I think she has on me as it is only coming from me. It is all just so sad and a waste. Thank you again for your wise input I am truly grateful.

Today is better. I have my appetite back and feel less sickly. I saw some friends and they were very patient and compassionate also. They agreed she had changed and that I was not to look back as I had been doing well on my own up to that point.

I am trying to use the updated image of her as much as possible. It is helping. Yes I miss the old times and the old person but least I was able to experience that and not get stuck with the new version.

Long way to go yet, but I just want to say thank you again for everyone's input. It has helped so much.

Today is better. I have my appetite back and feel less sickly. I saw some friends and they were very patient and compassionate also. They agreed she had changed and that I was not to look back as I had been doing well on my own up to that point.

 

I am trying to use the updated image of her as much as possible. It is helping. Yes I miss the old times and the old person but least I was able to experience that and not get stuck with the new version.

 

Long way to go yet, but I just want to say thank you again for everyone's input. It has helped so much.

That is great news!

Also good news about the updating. Of course were all still missing the old times, I believe that is possibly one of the things that will stick the longest. But it is fine to remember them. I find that you mostly start missing the little things, a hug, a kiss, a small touch or a simple loving glance. All natural to miss that affection you once had, however the pain of that missing/longing will also pass. At first I had this very strong desire to retrieve what was lost, now I just sigh a bit and think 'Yeah that was fun/good times'.

But yeah great to hear you are doing better!

Today is better. I have my appetite back and feel less sickly. I saw some friends and they were very patient and compassionate also. They agreed she had changed and that I was not to look back as I had been doing well on my own up to that point.

 

I am trying to use the updated image of her as much as possible. It is helping. Yes I miss the old times and the old person but least I was able to experience that and not get stuck with the new version.

 

Long way to go yet, but I just want to say thank you again for everyone's input. It has helped so much.

Right on. Definitely agree with using the latest and updated image of the person as much as you can. I, too, sometimes get sudden flashbacks of the good memories that I had with my ex. But I would always need to think, that is only my mind cherry-picking the good memories; what about the bad memories that occur more than the good ones?

During my relationship with my ex, I always needed to remind myself of the good memories in order to make myself happy. Now I am in the position to actually see that I was indeed not happy in my relationship. Yes I had feelings for my ex, but if I was not happy in the relationship then there is no point to be in it anymore. I am now on 19th day of NC, had a few of sudden flashback of good memories just now so I was sad but it lasted for a few minutes only. I believe it will get better in time. Best of luck to all of you!

Right on. Definitely agree with using the latest and updated image of the person as much as you can. I, too, sometimes get sudden flashbacks of the good memories that I had with my ex. But I would always need to think, that is only my mind cherry-picking the good memories; what about the bad memories that occur more than the good ones?

 

During my relationship with my ex, I always needed to remind myself of the good memories in order to make myself happy. Now I am in the position to actually see that I was indeed not happy in my relationship. Yes I had feelings for my ex, but if I was not happy in the relationship then there is no point to be in it anymore. I am now on 19th day of NC, had a few of sudden flashback of good memories just now so I was sad but it lasted for a few minutes only. I believe it will get better in time. Best of luck to all of you!

 

Oh yeah it will become better with time, I am currently on day 42 already (Cheer!) and slowly the thoughts of my ex are fading away. My mind keeps thinking less and less of her. So yeah, it gets better over time. I am still not out of the woods, but it's definitely managable by now.

Yeah, I find manageable is tolerable. Even when I had a years worth of nc behind me she still crossed my mind each and every day. That, I think, is going to be hardest for me as I had seen her pretty much everyday since we were kids. I wonder if I cross her mind at all, but then I realise it doesn't matter.

I have definitely learned my lesson. I was a little sore and had suspicions before seeing her again, but by doing so and cementing the truth I made my life harder. Definitely not doing that again. Ignorance is bliss as they say!!

I guess I'm struggling so as she has been a major part of my life and really my first solid relationship (and break up!). Feel a little old to be starting fresh. Most teenagers have had more partners than I have.

My goal is heal first, worry about meeting someone else later. One day at a time.