12 years together cannot get along

Thank you to those who take the time to read this and comment. I'm in my mid thirties and I met my husband 12 years ago when I was 24. He is 10 years older than me. We moved in together a couple of months after we met and got married three years into the relationship. During our first few years together I started really seeing his true colors. I started to see parts of his personality that I didn't like. He has an extreme sarcastic streak that is almost CONSTANT. It has gotten worse as he has gotten older. He's also very rude and extremely judgemental and super impatient. Im quite the opposite. I was able to tolerate these qualities of his but now I feel like I can't anymore. It gets really tiring with his complaining and sarcasm. I would also like to add that for the first 7 years together he was a janitor that brought home around 350 a week..and he lost his job due to a personality conflict with his boss and so he now has another job making the same small salary. I have asked him for years to try and make something out of himself. He was never interested. He's always been content working low end jobs and letting us struggle. He has a terrible scratch off habit so you can imagine how much more stress that puts on an already tough situation. I worked the first 8 years of our relationship then decided to go back to school. I too earned a low wage but decided I wanted more for myself. I've always been a bit scared of earning a good income because I know he will gamble more. He's lied to my face about it for years. He drove a convertible that I was not 'allowed' to drive, then he totalled it, and I handed him over my car with no problem! He caused us major bank fees over the years and I paid them. I caught him talking to multiple women online, and I chose to stay with him. I personally don't believe any of these affairs were physical, and so I decided to keep the faith and move on with him. Just last year we had a son together. I wanted a baby so badly and am still overjoyed to have him. I wish I could say having him made our marriage better but it didn't. My mother and her boyfriend also moved in with us which added another large stressor to the marriage. Now it's at it's breaking point. To be honest I'm at my breaking point. My husband completely dislikes and can't stand my mothers boyfriend, and I must say im on my husbands side with that one. BUT, I have never seen my husbands overall personality and attitude get so bad. He's completely ugly all around and he is trying to blame it on my moms boyfriend. He's using him as his scapegoat in my opinion. Yes, my moms boyfriend is a slob and very annoying, and were slowly working on getting him out of here, but that just doesn't give my husband a right to act like a monster. I have about three to five hours worth of homework to do, I coupon a good four to five hours a week depending on if were shopping or not, I take care of the baby, I cook and I clean. I am EXHAUSTED. All I want is for my husband to help me out. Yes, he works, but then he comes home and naps, nitpicks, or hangs out with our neighbor's and disappears for hours at a time. The only chores that this man has are taking out the garbage and picking up our groceries which I shop for online so he literally just picks them up he doesn't shop. His job is not physically demanding either. Am I wrong to look for him to help me? What gives this man the right to complain so much? I barely get to sit down and relax. If I'm sitting down I'm doing homework or couponing. He plays his Xbox. To make matters worse, he has ZERO percent interest in sex. He watches porn and takes care of himself and has no sexual interest in me what so ever. If we do have sex, I have to initiate it. I'm gettin sick of it. He also only showers a couple times a week, like 3 or 4 so that's a turn off. He hasn't really been a great dad to the baby either, it's all mostly on me. He doesn't have a romantic bone in his body either. I feel I've stayed with him this long because he does love me. When we would argue in the past he would be sorry and worry about my feelings. Now, he could care less about my feelings and he tells me he is unhappy! I just can't imagine that he is unhappy when I do all that I do. He complains over everything too. If there isn't a clean fork it's the end of the world. If he goes to grab something that he needs and it's not there he has a fit. He looks for things to complain about. I just can't act like I'm the happy little wife anymore, I'm always doing things for others and it's tiring. He has no appreciation. None. I'm just all the way frustrated at this point. Anyone ever experience anything like this? Any thoughts?

What gives this man the right to complain so much?

He hasn't really been a great dad to the baby either, it's all mostly on me.

it was a disaster for 11 years, and you stayed, you went and brought a kid into it, and now you're complaining. yes, it is on you.

you can try marriage counseling if you really want a shot at it, but you're wanting to turn a guy who has been anything but your idea of a good partner for over a decade, into a perfect match. i'd say divorce while the child is still young, but if you've stayed for that long, you'll continue to, because something about this mess is more appealing to you than being on your own until you're fit for a better match. and the child is triangulated all the while, so counseling for yourself is the least you should do about your own choices right now, as far as damage control for the kid is concerned.

while this is an utterly miserable situation, you can't undo 12 years worth of continually choosing what you absolutely hate by complaining.

Hmmm... I don't think it's time for divorce just yet. I am assuming that you are here to find ways to make your relationship better. That's good! But frankly, you are in a bit of a critical place and tipping point. I do recommend marriage councilling ASAP. You have already tried to fix things for a while and you will quickly run out of 'try' if you don't start seeing results of some kind. When you run out of 'try' is when divorce happens.

The first order of business, IMO, is to get your mom and her bf to move out. I don't see how things will get better with the extra stressor in the marriage and if he just doesn't want to be there. The sex situation is also not likely to get better with all the extra stress and those extra people in the house.

Also - you will need to realize that some things won't change. At 46 (by my calculations?) he's not likely to make a career change if he's not into it. He's just not overly ambitious and never has been. That's the man you married. He's also a sarcastic guy. Maybe that can be toned down a bit, but he will always be sarcastic. That's the man you married.

But the sex and the money management and the helping out? Those are things that might be able to be worked on.

Perhaps while the parents are still in the house, take the opportunity to go on a date with your husband and have a heart to heart and ask for councilling.

That would be my advice.

To rainycoat. Your absolutely right, you've picked up on the fact that I have a low self esteem. I'm just at a crossroad right now and just looking for advice. I appreciate your time and honesty and I definitely hear what your saying.

To reddress. Thank you for your reply. You have given some great advice and made some valid points. I especially like the fact that you note that some things can't change while others can be worked on. Very thought provoking. Thanks for your time, I appreciate your perspective.

OP, when i would sentence myself to things that made me miserable, i found it felt like appropriate "punishment", and was fueled by an all-pervasive sense of shame. when i disputed the latter,

i presently stopped feeling guilty for making choices i actually benefited from and liked. not sure how relatable that is, but perhaps thinking of it as self-punishment will help you see what you need to change.