caught my husband of 16 years cheating with co-worker

So I'm wondering if enough people read these...if enough people are interested in my story that happened in April 2017, I'll write it.

The short: my husband and I got in a pretty bad spot in our relationship with him working the night shift and I caught him having an affair with a coworker by leaving my phone in his car with a recording app...I was battling with either telling her husband or not due to information I had. Anyone interested?

Have you told him you know? You must have been suspicious if you left your phone in his car with the recording app.

In the morning on my way to work, I ended the recording and listened to it. Needless to say I didn't make it half way to work, I turned around and drove home to confront him about it. I needed to email myself the file in preparation because I wasn't sure what he was going to do. Yes, he knew I knew that morning.

What did he say?

He denied it at first but I told him that I left my phone recording in the car that night. Huge mess. He confessed everything...

So here's the thing: you've been married for 16 years, together I'm assuming longer than that, and do you have kids? My point is, you have a huge history together.

Make this about you & him, not about her husband. If you do want to tell anyone you know, then tell her, not her husband. Her marriage is not your business, it's hers.

Are you still together?

I'm sorry this happened, and I'm sure you're devastated. Have you made any decisions as to how to approach this?

I don't think you should tell her husband. Yes, he may derserve to know his wife is a cheater; however, that's their relationship and may get extremely messy for you. You have enough stress on your end. What if she seeks revenge for telling her husband and comes after you? Or what if you tell him and he physically retaliates against her? You don't want that burden.

16 years. Wow how sad. The main thing you need to know is did she know you were married? If she knew, I would let her know how this affected you and than her husbands fair game to be in the know. Sorry but thats how it works. Cheaters are so lame. I'm so sorry this happened. I wonder if after 16 years if this is a deal breaker for you or if you will stay. If he cheated once, he will possibly do it again. Usually once a person crosses that line, their level of sensitivity to your heart decreased rapidly. I'm sorry again!

I'm actually a little surprised to see so many "Don't tell her husband" responses. I feel that Innocent people deserve to know. I would like to know if I was being made a fool of. I would be sad but sadder wasting more years of my life with a liar and a cheat.

I would tell her husband. You have to deal with the cheating and she was the reason, she should have to face up to what she's done now too. Her husband needs to know and should be told.

I feel that Innocent people deserve to know. I would like to know if I was being made a fool of. I would be sad but sadder wasting more years of my life with a liar and a cheat.

Totally and 100% agree with this. The people who just stand around and do nothing and say nothing when a crime is going on or has happened, in my mind, are just as guilty.

I also believe that those that know information like this and stay silent, are protecting the guilty and are condoning it by keeping silent.

The husband deserves to know.

Since people are interested I'll start writing about it. I haven't talked to anyone in my life about this so it would be nice to get some perspective.

PART 1:

What was wrong in our relationship is that it felt like we became roommates, only living under the same roof. We never spent any time together because he had been on over night shift for 5 years. We have two daughters, 7 and 14, who I was their main involved parent because he was either sleeping or at work. One main cause of problems for us is I had lost respect for him.

We had been together since our senior year in high school and we fell in love hard. All through the relationship he had this severe insecurity that I would cheat on him because his dad cheated on his mom. At first I felt flattered that he actually cared but after time went on it just became a thorn. He was so worried about me leaving him for someone else that it was a constant worry for for him and a constant annoyance for me. I got tired of having to defend myself for something I didn't do. And let's be clear, I never cheated but I was paying the price as if I did. After years of that, I grew to become tired and did not value his word knowing how outrageous his accusations were and how I knew he was wrong time after time. This is where the loss of respect came in. I felt like he didn't know what he was talking about most of the time. Dealing with the accusations and knowing hes 100% wrong i felt like he was wasting my time with nonsense.

When he would get on the kids about things...like not picking up after themselves..i would defend them saying he had equal messes laying around too. That became a daily battle. His word meant nothing. I would feel the need to protect them from his B.S. because I had dealt with it before.

I knew he loved me but could feel us getting into a bad place. I knew he was feeling bad about himself not having an active role in the family and not having a voice saying he couldn't communicate with me. Every now and then I would hear stories about a coworker that reminded him of his sister. Things like how weird it was that she was a female version of him and told me stories about how she was married and had the same situation he was in, kids, family life, etc. He told me she was married and would go on dates with people which he though was wrong but filled me in on details and swore they were just friends. I hated hearing these stories and knowing on break coworkers would carpool with him to McDonald's, sometimes it was just them two. April 10th I decided to download a recording app on my phone and leave it in our car before he left for work. We shared that car and the next morning I stopped the recording, started driving to work and listened to them. It started out with her getting in the car and driving through a Dunkin Donuts drive thru. I could tell by her tone something wasn't right. I heard them start kissing and my heart dropped. I pulled my car over and immediately called out of work. I knew he was getting our kids ready for the school bus and wanted to email myself the audio recording in case when I went home..he tried to take my phone and destroy my evidence. The file was too large and I needed to be connected to WiFi so I drove home and parked out back of my house. I knew her husband's business email address because over time through conversation with my husband I learned her name and the internet is very informational. I don't feel bad about it, I wanted to be familiar with mt surroundings in case i ever needed the information. It took me so long to email myself that file that I couldn't hold out any longer so I decided to just go inside the house and ask him about it. I walked in the bedroom and he was standing there on his phone and I told him to put his shoes on that we need to talk. I didn't want to do it in front of the kids so we got into the car and I asked him who he was meeting before work. He denied it but I got to see what he looks like when he's lying. I told him that I left my phone in the car last night and it recorded everything that I heard everything and demanded to know what was going on. He told me that I better just listen to the recording. I could see he didn't know what to say and he didn't want to talk about it I could tell he was freaking out inside. We drove around for the next few hours talking about it, crying, getting stopped by cops if we were sitting too long. I asked him if he was having sex with her and at first he denied it he said no that it was just an emotional affair. I knew that there was no way that they were kissing like that and we're not having sex. After a couple hours of talking he admitted that he had, three times, that it had happened and that this part of the relationship had only been going on for a couple months. I was devastated. My entire world was flipped upside down in an instant, I was absolutely numb, suddenly the world was different. This girl knew so much about me. I had met her at their company holiday parties. How could this happen??

He answered all of my questions as hurtful as it was to hear the truth. Tgis girl asked ALOT of questions about me. I had to know all details and he gave them. He said that he was planning on us separating and he had been working towards that happening. He wasn't happy with how things were. Communication was a huge thing and he doesn't even feel like he has a family anymore. I understood. I was sad for him too and could see how this happened. I still loved him, I still wanted him. I understand how it went wrong. He still believed at some point I had cheated on him but that I never fessed up. That was a huge weight I carried with me. He asked me if I ever had which was No. He finally believed me because NOW would have been the time that i threw it in his face to hurt him back. I know He believed me and that's a feeling I can't describe. It had made me angry I knew He 'believed something untrue and there was no way to to change that. He cried saying that he couldn't understand why I would still want him, that how does he even deserve me after what he did? The strange part is...that I forgive him and even through it all...I still love him. I understand how we got into that dark place. We never seemed to be on the same page with our relationship and it felt like for the first time, we were.

He was so heartbroken too. He said he his plan was to leave me and start over somewhere else. He knew he couldn't trust Sandra (I will call her Sandra for privacy issues) because he knew she couldn't be trusted by what she also was doing to her husband. He said she listened to him and was easy to talk to. He was hurting too. I thought, how could he accuse me for so long and put me the through so much and do it to me? But I still loved him.

He said that he was glad he got caught. WE were not a priority in our lives. After hours of talking and sleeping on it, we decided to start working on us and put us as the priority. We were going to make this work. He was the most honest and open I have ever seen him in his life. I hate to say this out loud but it's almost like it had to happen. I don't mean that to sound like I endorse the affair...i didn't see HIM (as a person) anymore. Meaning we both had gone into a shell, away from eachother. I forgave him, not just words, but in my heart and for the first time in a long time i felt close to him. He was still scheduled to work that night. He said he needed to break it off with her and was calling out of work. Me being still insecure about it I asked him to leave my phone in the car recording while he talks to her. He gladly agreed and drove to work like normal. She got in the car and could immediately tell something was wrong. He let her know that I recorded them last night and I knew everything. He told her that I almost sent the recording to her husband but he asked me to delete it and that I didn't know her last name and I wouldn't cause any problems. That part, he cannot speak for me. She was heartbroken which I got to be a fly on the wall for. I'm not going to lie, it felt good.

Sandras husband is in remission for cancer. She has cheated on him, having a sexual relationship with another guy a few years ago, same situation as with my husband. She's gone on dates with other guys when she's supposed to be at work. She lives 40 minutes away from work so it's convienient. I've learned she's unhappy with him and is looking for a way out, somebody. That somebody was not going to be my husband.

More to come...

In reading other responses, I'm going to change my position: tell her that you know, and tell her that either she's going to tell her husband, or you are.

I thought about it, and I would want to know.

What do you think you'll do?

1:

What was wrong in our relationship is that it felt like we became roommates, only living under the same roof. We never spent any time together because he had been on over night shift for 5 years. We have two daughters, 7 and 14, who I was their main involved parent because he was either sleeping or at work. One main cause of problems for us is I had lost respect for him.

We had been together since our senior year in high school and we fell in love hard. All through the relationship he had this severe insecurity that I would cheat on him because his dad cheated on his mom. At first I felt flattered that he actually cared but after time went on it just became a thorn.

PART 2:

He was so worried about me leaving him for someone else that it was a constant worry for for him and a constant annoyance for me. I got tired of having to defend myself for something I didn't do. And let's be clear, I never cheated but I was paying the price as if I did. After years of that, I grew to become tired and did not value his word knowing how outrageous his accusations were and how I knew he was wrong time after time. This is where the loss of respect came in. I felt like he didn't know what he was talking about most of the time. Dealing with the accusations and knowing hes 100% wrong i felt like he was wasting my time with nonsense.

PART 3:

When he would get on the kids about things...like not picking up after themselves..i would defend them saying he had equal messes laying around too. That became a daily battle. His word meant nothing. I would feel the need to protect them from his B.S. because I had dealt with it before.

I knew he loved me but could feel us getting into a bad place. I knew he was feeling bad about himself not having an active role in the family and not having a voice saying he couldn't communicate with me.

PART 4:

Every now and then I would hear stories about a coworker that reminded him of his sister. Things like how weird it was that she was a female version of him and told me stories about how she was married and had the same situation he was in, kids, family life, etc. He told me she was married and would go on dates with people which he though was wrong but filled me in on details and swore they were just friends. I hated hearing these stories and knowing on break coworkers would carpool with him to McDonald's, sometimes it was just them two. April 10th I decided to download a recording app on my phone and leave it in our car before he left for work. We shared that car and the next morning I stopped the recording, started driving to work and listened to them. It started out with her getting in the car and driving through a Dunkin Donuts drive thru. I could tell by her tone something wasn't right. I heard them start kissing and my heart dropped. I pulled my car over and immediately called out of work. I knew he was getting our kids ready for the school bus and wanted to email myself the audio recording in case when I went home..he tried to take my phone and destroy my evidence.

PART 5:

The file was too large and I needed to be connected to WiFi so I drove home and parked out back of my house. I knew her husband's business email address because over time through conversation with my husband I learned her name and the internet is very informational. I don't feel bad about it, I wanted to be familiar with mt surroundings in case i ever needed the information. It took me so long to email myself that file that I couldn't hold out any longer so I decided to just go inside the house and ask him about it. I walked in the bedroom and he was standing there on his phone and I told him to put his shoes on that we need to talk. I didn't want to do it in front of the kids so we got into the car and I asked him who he was meeting before work. He denied it but I got to see what he looks like when he's lying. I told him that I left my phone in the car last night and it recorded everything that I heard everything and demanded to know what was going on.

PART 6:

He told me that I better just listen to the recording. I could see he didn't know what to say and he didn't want to talk about it I could tell he was freaking out inside. We drove around for the next few hours talking about it, crying, getting stopped by cops if we were sitting too long. I asked him if he was having sex with her and at first he denied it he said no that it was just an emotional affair. I knew that there was no way that they were kissing like that and we're not having sex. After a couple hours of talking he admitted that he had, three times, that it had happened and that this part of the relationship had only been going on for a couple months. I was devastated. My entire world was flipped upside down in an instant, I was absolutely numb, suddenly the world was different. This girl knew so much about me. I had met her at their company holiday parties. How could this happen??

He answered all of my questions as hurtful as it was to hear the truth. This girl asked ALOT of questions about me. I had to know all details and he gave them. He said that he was planning on us separating and he had been working towards that happening. He wasn't happy with how things were. Communication was a huge thing and he doesn't even feel like he has a family anymore. I understood.

PART 7:

I was sad for him too and could see how this happened. I still loved him, I still wanted him. I understand how it went wrong. He still believed at some point I had cheated on him but that I never fessed up. That was a huge weight I carried with me. He asked me if I ever had which was No. He finally believed me because NOW would have been the time that i threw it in his face to hurt him back. I know He believed me and that's a feeling I can't describe. It had made me angry I knew He 'believed something untrue and there was no way to to change that. He cried saying that he couldn't understand why I would still want him, that how does he even deserve me after what he did? The strange part is...that I forgive him and even through it all...I still love him. I understand how we got into that dark place. We never seemed to be on the same page with our relationship and it felt like for the first time, we were.

He was so heartbroken too. He said he his plan was to leave me and start over somewhere else. He knew he couldn't trust Sandra (I will call her Sandra for privacy issues) because he knew she couldn't be trusted by what she also was doing to her husband. He said she listened to him and was easy to talk to. He was hurting too. I thought, how could he accuse me for so long and put me the through so much and do it to me? But I still loved him.

...........

...........

PART 8:

He said that he was glad he got caught. WE were not a priority in our lives. After hours of talking and sleeping on it, we decided to start working on us and put us as the priority. We were going to make this work. He was the most honest and open I have ever seen him in his life. I hate to say this out loud but it's almost like it had to happen. I don't mean that to sound like I endorse the affair...i didn't see HIM (as a person) anymore. Meaning we both had gone into a shell, away from eachother. I forgave him, not just words, but in my heart and for the first time in a long time i felt close to him. He was still scheduled to work that night. He said he needed to break it off with her and was calling out of work. Me being still insecure about it I asked him to leave my phone in the car recording while he talks to her. He gladly agreed and drove to work like normal. She got in the car and could immediately tell something was wrong. He let her know that I recorded them last night and I knew everything. He told her that I almost sent the recording to her husband but he asked me to delete it and that I didn't know her last name and I wouldn't cause any problems. That part, he cannot speak for me. She was heartbroken which I got to be a fly on the wall for. I'm not going to lie, it felt good.