Back Together with My Ex After More Than a Year.

So I'd like to share with you my tale of reconciliation. A little background - ex and I dated from around April 2015 to Feb 2016 (10 months). We had a great relationship, characterized by our almost manic desire for adventure and travel. We both absolutely love the outdoors - skiing (and I mean at an expert level), sailing (especially racing catamarans), backpacking, salmon fishing, epic adventures to remote places like hot springs and lonely mountains in the wilderness. The summer of 2015, when we first got together, was one of the most incredible summers of my life. We both went practically broke traveling all over our state for wild adventures. I was working 14-16 hour days, three days a week, so that meant we had four day adventures all summer. It was wildly romantic (if not a tad financially irresponsible, but still...), and I fell deeply in love with him. He is incredibly physically fit and athletic, and I am intensely physically attracted to him.

However, herein lies the crux of what eventually made us break up - he has a child. I consider myself childfree by choice - I do not want kids, and I really do not prefer the company of children. I just simply would rather be around adults as much as possible. His child's mother lives 2,000 miles away, and left about 3 years ago. His kid is now 6, but he was barely 4 when we started dating, and a screeching, obnoxious, viscous brat. Luckily, he only has his kid 8 weeks out of the year, two three week visits every summer, and two weeks around the holidays in the winter. At first, I tried spending time with my ex when he had his kid, but about midway through the first three week visit that beautiful summer, I concluded that I just couldn't hang after listening to multiple hour plus long screaming meltdown tantrums. I don't like the kid (there are few kids I really can stand to be around, and the screaming, nasty types are not one of them). Sorry if that offends anyone, but there just isn't much about the kid for me to like, and that's just how I feel.

The weekend of my birthday in February 2016, he planned out an epic adventure for us: camping on his 23' sailboat at a high mountain lake right across the highway from a ski resort, where we would ski one of the days we were there. I was stoked, and invited some of my friends and family to join us skiing for the day. Apparently, he took this as his cue to invite his brother to fish with us one of the days, with his brother's screaming brat son (ex's nephew) in tow. I said no, I don't want a screaming kid on my birthday trip. But it was too late, he'd already invited his brother. When I acted upset, he acted as if I was making him choose between me and his family, and I said NO, I'm not making you choose, I'm saying I don't want to have to entertain a bratty child on what is supposed to be my birthday vacation. With him acting defensive, and with my resentment about the kid thing growing, I decided to cancel going on the trip, which after a few days, made me so upset I ended the relationship. I had come under the influence of a lot of childfree women in a group I'd joined the year prior, and they were all saying that it's never a good idea to date a man with a kid, as a childfree person, and I suppose I took that advice to heart.

So, I was the dumper. He took it gracefully, and almost immediately he went NC. Time passed, and I started dating someone new the summer of 2016 (last summer). We were an okay fit, but my memory of last summer was one of constantly longing to be adventuring like I had the summer before, and this caused constant stress and resentment for me. I tried to bring it up with the guy I was seeing at the time, but it made no difference. I've now come to realize I was yearning for someone who was my equal when it came to adventuring and doing the things I love, and with this guy, it just wasn't there. He had no ambition or know-how to plan adventures. I had to do it all, and as a result, a lot of the summer was spent in town, at his house, sitting on the couch, etc.. I planned a few backpacking adventures for us, and it made me sad and frustrated that something I considered physically very easy was so difficult for him. Ski season started, and I ended up skiing endless pow days all by my lonesome, because my BF at the time just didn't ski or do anything very athletic, really. I began to miss my ex even more. He finally got in touch with me last December via text, just to check in with me, and I replied succinctly yet cordially, as I was still seeing this other guy (my most recent ex). My most recent ex had serious issues with anxiety and is extremely avoidant and was somewhat insecure/needy (while being in complete denial about it, always claiming to be so "independent" - yeah, right), and I finally got irritated with him enough that I blew up at him over his desire to talk to me on the phone multiple times every night. He dumped me, then spun around and asked for a second chance about two weeks later, when I said no, he said he wanted to remain "friends." So he would text me multiple times a day, every single day, basically led me on, then hid a girlfriend from me for more than a month while simultaneously telling my (then) BFF every gory detail about their relationship (who does that??)... he did multiple seriously effed up things I will not digress into here for sake of trying to not make this a novel. Anyway, in short, he turned into a complete ahole. I cut off contact with him completely after that.

So then, enter the ex. At first, I was very resistant to trying again, as the basic reason for the breakup to begin with is still there. I have zero interest in being a step parent, I've done it and its a crappy job and has zero reward. The older I'm getting, the less and less I want to be around kids.

But, a few weeks ago, he invited me to go sailing on his 23' boat at a gorgeous high mountain lake. We sailed for hours until sunset, and we were still having a great time, drinking tequila and getting good runs in on strong, steady wind. It was a full moon that night so we just kept sailing until midnight, and well... you know the rest of the story. Lol. We ended up sleeping in the cabin on the boat that night. I am still intensely physically attracted to him, and things felt so comfortable and familiar. The sex has been absolutely out-of-this-world good. I realize that this is all clouding my judgment, but honestly... I'm having a great time.

I realize there could be a crash and burn at the end of this story, but I just can't help myself. I'm completely high on life right now.

So... let this be evidence that NC can and DOES work, in some instances. If nothing else, it'll increase your odds for reconciling. Because, I tell you what, that fake "friends" b.s. my most recent ex pulled definitely DOES NOT work, and usually ends far worse than any clean break can. And sometimes you need to practice NC for a VERY long time - a year or more. I know it's hard to think of that when you're in the beginning stages of a breakup, but have patience.

Oh, and as for the kid thing? He can spend quality time with his kid for the short times he's here. I'll go do my own thing for the next three weeks. Hopefully he can understand and respect that. It's the only caveat and foreseeable issue in this story.

Thats a beautiful story. Honestly I was intrigued! I hope it works out with you guys this time. Yes I agree. Nc does amazing things. I broke every rule of nc haha not proud of it but I always find out the hard way. I do believe a clean break is essential. This friends thing never works and can tarnish even what u had ( happened to me). I didnt go nc in my last relationship. An ugly side of me came out pushing him further. So lesson learned. Nc always a must in any breakup!

Thats a beautiful story. Honestly I was intrigued! I hope it works out with you guys this time. Yes I agree. Nc does amazing things. I broke every rule of nc haha not proud of it but I always find out the hard way. I do believe a clean break is essential. This friends thing never works and can tarnish even what u had ( happened to me). I didnt go nc in my last relationship. An ugly side of me came out pushing him further. So lesson learned. Nc always a must in any breakup!

I hope it works out too! It's been wonderful to be reunited with someone I feel so passionately about. It's also amazing how strongly I still feel about him. I think healthy boundaries (plus the fact that we never really did anything extraordinarily hurtful to one another during and after our relationship) are key. And definitely NC. I totally agree that the "friends" thing can tarnish what you had, as evidenced by my most recent breakup. It was terribly ugly and painful and completely destroyed any tiny chance our relationship had for reconciliation.

I hope it works out too! It's been wonderful to be reunited with someone I feel so passionately about. It's also amazing how strongly I still feel about him. I think healthy boundaries (plus the fact that we never really did anything extraordinarily hurtful to one another during and after our relationship) are key. And definitely NC. I totally agree that the "friends" thing can tarnish what you had, as evidenced by my most recent breakup. It was terribly ugly and painful and completely destroyed any tiny chance our relationship had for reconciliation.

I'm also happy to see that one year of NC can work. Its never too late for a good thing to happen! Good luck

So when he has his kid you disappear? How is this a healthy relationship? It's more like FWB right? Quite frankly your whole post is ME ME ME ME, you don't want to compromise, it's all about you. As a father my kids come first. If it works for you great but this sounds like it's just about sex and your happiness and screw every one else. You shouldn't be involved with anyone with kids.

She has every right to NOT like a spoiled, screaming brat.

I broke up with a girl because of this same reason, except it wasn't her son, it was just a nephew she had to take care all the time. I couldn't handle the kid anymore and I had to break up with her.

She has every right to NOT like a spoiled, screaming brat.

 

I broke up with a girl because of this same reason, except it wasn't her son, it was just a nephew she had to take care all the time. I couldn't handle the kid anymore and I had to break up with her.

I agree but her post was how NC works and really it has nothing to do with that. She doesn't like kids, ergo she shouldn't be with someone who has them. It's not a relationship it's a FWB arrangement

Don't hope for marriage with this person. One's children are forever. If you can respect his time with his child, actually truly respect that and not be resentful, great. If not, it will be another crash and burn.

No, I don't disappear, I still talk to him via text all day, every day. Just that when he has his kid, I go do my own thing. That's healthier than being around a kid that's obnoxious and drives me up the wall. It's definitely not a FWB because of the feelings involved, and the fact that we're exclusive. It's interesting that you'd make that statement just because your perspective is different from me and from being indoctrinated into the cult of parenthood.

You're projecting and taking this personally because you've made different choices than me, and that somehow insults your sensibilities. I have every right to desire to not be around kids. Truth be told, my boyfriend is also a fellow childfree person who happened to have a kid because his ex got "oops" pregnant and he's the kind of guy who wouldn't force someone to terminate if they didn't want to. Plus, at the time, he was in love with his kid's mom. He is a good dad, but honestly, I don't think he's someone who should have become a parent.

There's nothing selfish about not having kids and not liking them. I think it's selfish to bring children into a world that is doomed and so violent and overpopulated as it is today. They have no way of consenting to be born. I'm antinatalist, and if that offends you, too bad.

It's all about perspective.

She has every right to NOT like a spoiled, screaming brat.

 

I broke up with a girl because of this same reason, except it wasn't her son, it was just a nephew she had to take care all the time. I couldn't handle the kid anymore and I had to break up with her.

It's a bigger factor than some people realize. I can 100% relate.

Don't hope for marriage with this person. One's children are forever. If you can respect his time with his child, actually truly respect that and not be resentful, great. If not, it will be another crash and burn.

I'm not looking for marriage. I don't think my boyfriend is the marrying type, anyway. And yes, I totally respect his time with his kid. He doesn't get to see him all that often, and I think it's important he spend as much time as possible with him.

Honestly, I think it's better I stay out of the way when he has the kid because he gets to focus all his energy on spending time with his son, and I'm not coming in and out of the kid's life all the time. I think it's better for parents who date to not involve their kids in their dating lives as much as so many do, TBH.

I agree but her post was how NC works and really it has nothing to do with that. She doesn't like kids, ergo she shouldn't be with someone who has them. It's not a relationship it's a FWB arrangement

Just because I don't like kids doesn't mean I'm not able to form a close, warm relationship with someone. We dated for nearly a year before, and have now been back together for a couple months. Initially we were going to be casual, but with some relationships, the feelings are too strong to keep it casual. Is it a *serious* relationship? No, and it never has been. But it's passionate and we feel very strongly for one another. It's really odd that you'd sit here and proclaim it's "not a relationship it's a FWB arrangement" when you have zero insight into who we are as people, and claim so just because you're personally insulted that I don't like kids. Having a personal preference does not automatically make one "selfish." You're being rude.

No, I don't disappear, I still talk to him via text all day, every day. Just that when he has his kid, I go do my own thing. That's healthier than being around a kid that's obnoxious and drives me up the wall. It's definitely not a FWB because of the feelings involved, and the fact that we're exclusive. It's interesting that you'd make that statement just because your perspective is different from me and from being indoctrinated into the cult of parenthood.

 

You're projecting and taking this personally because you've made different choices than me, and that somehow insults your sensibilities. I have every right to desire to not be around kids. Truth be told, my boyfriend is also a fellow childfree person who happened to have a kid because his ex got "oops" pregnant and he's the kind of guy who wouldn't force someone to terminate if they didn't want to. Plus, at the time, he was in love with his kid's mom. He is a good dad, but honestly, I don't think he's someone who should have become a parent.

 

There's nothing selfish about not having kids and not liking them. I think it's selfish to bring children into a world that is doomed and so violent and overpopulated as it is today. They have no way of consenting to be born. I'm antinatalist, and if that offends you, too bad.

 

It's all about perspective.

I agree. You do not want kids. You dont have to like them. U happened to fall in love with a man with a kid. As long as u are clear that u want to stay away from the kid and hes cool with it all, then ur fine. U are honest and thats a good thing..no surprises.

I am 55 years old and never had kids, and like you, I am not a "kid person" either. I married someone with a 5-year old daughter who, like your boyfriend's son, was a total undisciplined brat, and I dreaded seeing her. We ended up divorcing for other reasons, but I realized that I am better off dating someone without young kids, as when you are the GF, you don't get to discipline the kid, as it's not your place. I spent one weekend a month with her, and it was enough to drive me insane. The mouth on that little girl was horrendous. I actually got along great with her mom (his ex-wife), but she thought it was so cute when her daughter mouthed off, like what a little cutie for showing her independence. Um, no, that sh*t's just rude. So I completely get where you're coming from.

I have nieces with whom I'm extremely close, but they were raised to be polite and respectful, and they have always been a delight for me. One is a married adult now, and we are still very close. I literally just dropped one who is a pre-teen off at her parents, and we had an awesome weekend. So it's not that I hate kids, but I'm with you on not wanting to be around undisciplined spoiled brats. I've been around both, and I'll never do the latter again.

You know the son's not going away, and it sounds like you are prepared for that future. It also sounds like you aren't looking for, or even interested in, marriage, so that's cool too.

Sounds like your BF knows exactly how you feel about his son, and he's ok with it. It's not like you're hiding your distaste for children, as it seems like you are not the type to withhold your feelings. Having said that, I say, if your BF is ok with it, then that's his choice.

At some point his child will be an adult. Like you.

Just food for thought.

I'm not looking for marriage. I don't think my boyfriend is the marrying type, anyway. And yes, I totally respect his time with his kid. He doesn't get to see him all that often, and I think it's important he spend as much time as possible with him.

 

Honestly, I think it's better I stay out of the way when he has the kid because he gets to focus all his energy on spending time with his son, and I'm not coming in and out of the kid's life all the time. I think it's better for parents who date to not involve their kids in their dating lives as much as so many do, TBH.

Then it should be ok.

I am 55 years old and never had kids, and like you, I am not a "kid person" either. I married someone with a 5-year old daughter who, like your boyfriend's son, was a total undisciplined brat, and I dreaded seeing her. We ended up divorcing for other reasons, but I realized that I am better off dating someone without young kids, as when you are the GF, you don't get to discipline the kid, as it's not your place. I spent one weekend a month with her, and it was enough to drive me insane. The mouth on that little girl was horrendous. I actually got along great with her mom (his ex-wife), but she thought it was so cute when her daughter mouthed off, like what a little cutie for showing her independence. Um, no, that sh*t's just rude. So I completely get where you're coming from.

 

I have nieces with whom I'm extremely close, but they were raised to be polite and respectful, and they have always been a delight for me. One is a married adult now, and we are still very close. I literally just dropped one who is a pre-teen off at her parents, and we had an awesome weekend. So it's not that I hate kids, but I'm with you on not wanting to be around undisciplined spoiled brats. I've been around both, and I'll never do the latter again.

 

You know the son's not going away, and it sounds like you are prepared for that future. It also sounds like you aren't looking for, or even interested in, marriage, so that's cool too.

 

Sounds like your BF knows exactly how you feel about his son, and he's ok with it. It's not like you're hiding your distaste for children, as it seems like you are not the type to withhold your feelings. Having said that, I say, if your BF is ok with it, then that's his choice.

Yes, this, exactly. It's not like I *hate* kids, either, it's just that I've been around way too many that are loud, obnoxious and have horrible attitudes. I'm an introvert, and I like my quiet time. I can deal with quiet, respectful kids... probably because they're mature and act like adults. It's unfortunate, but my BF's son falls into the former category, and while I've never commented on how bratty his kid behaves, my BF is very aware that I don't prefer the company of kids. And I think he's okay with that, at least for the time being.

At some point his child will be an adult. Like you.

 

Just food for thought.

So, do you honestly believe I've never thought of this?

Yes, he will be an adult someday, but adult children can also still be dependent on their parents well into adulthood. So this is also something I've taken into consideration. And yes, if I'm still around when he's an adult, I'll spend time with him then.