What is my ex doing? I'm confused.

Long story short, my ex abruptly broke up with me. He said he wants to be alone and needs to figure out his life. He tried to justify it with problems he had with our relationship (arguing, he needed more space and time to himself), except he had never told me these things were bothering him.. we talked out a lot of our issues, and he agreed they're fixable but he said once he made his mind up there was no going back.

He kept saying he loved me but he didn't feel like this was a choice, he HAD to do it. It seemed to really hurt him, as I've never seen him cry so much.

Anyway, we had a long drawn out break up due to having to move out of our flat. He left last week and is at his parents house, a 5 hour drive away. We left on good terms, as I felt our relationship deserved this. I love him so much, he knows I want to reconcile. But I told him once he's gone, I'm moving on.

Since leaving 10 days ago, he tried to text me cute things, but I ignored it. Then yesterday he sent this:

"I get this heavy feeling in me when i think abiut you. It's because we haven't spoken and that's hard when I miss you. It goes without saying that you don't have to talk to me if you don't want to. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you."

I'm not replying to it. What is there to even say? I'm confused. What is he doing?? Any thoughts?

J. I trust you are looking after your health, as this should be your priority right now. Are you still in hospitaL?

You said not many days ago:

But currently, I'm bed ridden from a chest infection. And I will soon be in hospital for weeks. I have no idea how to cope like this...without a bit of hope, I start feeling like there's no reason to prolong my life with treatments. It becomes hard to look after myself.

Now you ask: what is he doing?

He is stringing you along, and it is most unfair of him to do so.

Look after yourself.

Ah, of course. Why didn't I think of that! The one and only possible vague answer? It's not like people are complicated beings with complex emotions.

I was hoping for actual insight, perhaps from someone who has been in a similar position.

wow, why so rude?

it is actual insight. he probably both genuinely cared about you and genuinely felt like the relationship is wrong for him. and despite knowing you're best off apart, he may genuinely have difficulty letting go of the emotional connection, so he attempts to make it easier on himself by keeping up the emotional stuff.

and it is stringing you along, it can make healing and moving on more difficult for you, and it is for his comfort, and there isn't actually an intention to get back together, and nothing in it for you, it's just an attempt to make the transition easier for him.

while people are complex and their emotions are too, these are common, if not stereotypical behaviors, quite universal.

Ah, of course. Why didn't I think of that! The one and only possible vague answer? It's not like people are complicated beings with complex emotions.

 

I was hoping for actual insight, perhaps from someone who has been in a similar position.

Agreed. You're being rude. And the insight is good.

Let's counter with a question to you - what answers are you looking for?

I actually think people are simpler than we all think.

People tend to move toward pleasure and away from pain.

My guess is, now that he's five hours away, it's safe and poses no threat to his desire to be free from ties to reach out to you looking for comfort for his loneliness. It's not like he can just come on by to see you, so he can get the comfort he's seeking from a simple text. Then, once he's soothed, he can go right back to being single. He's attempting to get pleasure from you (a soothing, ego boosting assurance that you're still available to him ON HIS TERMS) without any of the pain (having to be a dedicated and committed partner to you).

I wasn't looking for specific answers. I was looking for a perspective that i couldn't already think of myself... analysing things from different points of view helps me process. This forum seems to be full of users who are unnecessarily negative, and approach every thread with a callous black and white attitude. I thought it would be more useful; I thought people would want to explore the confusing, grey areas of psychology and relationships. But alas, no.

Sorry that my sarcasm seems so rude, but I in turn find many responses toward most users on this forum rude. That's the internet for you, I guess.

I actually think people are simpler than we all think.

 

People tend to move toward pleasure and away from pain.

 

My guess is, now that he's five hours away, it's safe and poses no threat to his desire to be free from ties to reach out to you looking for comfort for his loneliness. It's not like he can just come on by to see you, so he can get the comfort he's seeking from a simple text. Then, once he's soothed, he can go right back to being single. He's attempting to get pleasure from you (a soothing, ego boosting assurance that you're still available to him ON HIS TERMS) without any of the pain (having to be a dedicated and committed partner to you).

Yes, that does make sense actually. I think he's quite an instinctive person, and I don't imagine he's analysing his feelings much at the moment. So he probably is reaching out in hard times, hoping to be soothed. Ah well, he has to experience life without me, I'm not going to be his emotional support anymore.

I personally wouldn't bother with him. He made his decision.

I would think that if he loved you like he thought he did, it would make more sense to him to go home for a while, take a break from one another but not to dump all of it and leave you completely.

The fact that he is now back peddling, is lame. He should have shown you the importance of your relationship and you as a person to him and told you he needed to maybe take a break but that he still would do what he could to work through everything.

That's what couples do, they come on hard times, but they work together and work through it.

Him bailing shows how little he appreciated what you had built together. I know it hurts still, but he is better off getting back nothing but silence.

SherrySher - yeah, I mostly agree with you there. It's stupid and he's throwing away a good thing due to confusion and cowardliness. I suggested a break but he said that never works (and used our friends as an example, which was a disaster, to be fair). And I sort of understand that...breaks rarely work, and can hurt more in the long run. But I'm committed enough to have tried it.

Really, he doesn't have lots of relationship experience, and he has a lot to learn. But I wanted him to learn with me, I don't want to be his lesson for someone else one day. I'm so frustrated, I've had a really hard few days. I hate that he's ran away from things when they were challenging. But I can't just write him off. In 3.5 years of knowing each other, he's never hurt me or let me down...until now. Which makes it hard for me to just let go entirely.

You asked J.

"What is he doing?? Any thoughts?"

And I replied.

So, I shall take your rudeness as being due to being frustrated and having a "few really hard days". And the fact that you are or were in hospital.

If you post on here then you must expect replies to the questions you pose. And no people here, including me, are not as you put it "callous and black and white".

Have a lovely day and hope your humour improves.....

Yes, that does make sense actually. I think he's quite an instinctive person, and I don't imagine he's analysing his feelings much at the moment. So he probably is reaching out in hard times, hoping to be soothed. Ah well, he has to experience life without me, I'm not going to be his emotional support anymore.

I would reread this every time you're tempted to provide him with the soothing he's seeking from you (from five hours away). When he reaches out searching for an ego-boosting response from you, he's getting what he wants without any effort and then goes back to his single life. While you're left wondering "why??" and hoping it "meant" more. Totally unfair to you.

I understand how you're feeling Jitterbug and it's totally understandable. However, he did leave and it's not fair to you at all.

I hope you can be gentle with YOURSELF and not allow this man to keep hurting you. Worry more about protecting your own heart and making sure that you're okay.

I know you say he has not let you down before, but running out on you is a big let down and you deserved better.

I hope you can worry about yourself now more than him.