What kind of man am I dating?

I think I know the answer to this and may have just realized that I'm just too afraid to let go of what could happen if I let him go. Your advices are welcomed and appreciated.

 

I am a 23 year old woman dating a 30 year old man. We both have stable jobs and live separately. We have been dating just about a year and a half.

 

Around the 6th month mark I asked him, "what are we?" He told me that he had issues with his last girlfriend and is afraid to commit. I was sad and didn't want to cry in front of him. I wanted to be his girlfriend.

 

We truly enjoy each other's company. I really see it. We have a handful of great moments and experiences together. I always spend the weekends at his place and things are thriving and growing.

 

It all ends when I start to feel "alone" and the thought arise again, "why haven't you asked me to be your girlfriend?" We were now dating for 8 months. When I brought up the topic again, he became really frustrated and stopped talking to me for two weeks. I thought I wasn't going to hear from him again. But he came back, and the topic was never brought up again.

 

Sad to say but I always get jealous when he talks about other women. It could be his coworker or a person we both met together. I just get an automatic *ding* that he may be interested in her instead of me. He may have called me beautiful once but that may have been within two weeks were dating. I would always try to look my best when I meet this man but to no avail would he notice that I'm doing this all for him.

 

We rarely get into arguments and when we do it almost feels like I'm never going to see this man again. He would go from 3 days to a week to not talking to me. We never bring up our concerns. And even if i'd to work out our issues together, it almost feels like he doesn't and I'm afraid he will just get upset.

 

He also has anger issues. He'll be really upset and start slamming things or punching doors and yelling. It emotionally hurts me to see him upset and in pain.

 

But like I said, when it's good, it's great but when it's bad, it's literally hell. But like I said, he once left me for 2 weeks after I told him that we were dating for a year and still we haven't defined our relationship.

 

You see, I'm afraid he might find someone new at some point and just hop right to her. I can imagine him say, "Well we weren't really together anyway, so it doesn't count."

 

I know I lack self confidence but he's all I've got. He doesn't have friends as well, but he seems like he could do well alone while i just cry on the corner.

 

So men and women, your thoughts? Is this normal for a man to not define relationships anymore? We never exchanged I love you's, although I'd very much like to!

 

Should I just suck it up and leave? I just feel like... at a year and a half.... Is long enough for a man to know how the feel about a woman.

Six months is long enough to know whether he wants a relationship with you, and truth be told he showed his true colours at that time anyway. Maybe this could turn into something more, but would you even still be interested at that point? I wouldn't... Who in their right mind (at least with some degree of self respect and dignity) would want to be strung along like that through no fault of their own? Your instincts are telling you that you deserve better and I 100% agree.

 

It's up to you how you want to handle the situation, but whatever you do I'd be looking for an exit. Maybe that means you stop seeing him and only communicate via text and slowly let things fall off (since not being committed means you can't exactly break up with him in the traditional way, and maybe that's part of the idea?). Or you can, if you choose, explicitly end things by stating that you've really enjoyed the time you two have had together but you're looking for someone who's on the same page as you emotionally, with regards to the relationship, and happy to be exclusive and move forward in life like a real couple. And since he's not shown you that he's interested in the same things, it's best you go your separate ways so you can find what you're looking for (i.e. stop wasting your time with him, although you might choose to say it in a nicer way since you obviously care about him).

 

I really don't need any more details from you to know that this is the next step for your 'relationship'. Truth is you're an emotionally healthy and patient individual, and he isn't able to be what you want in a partner. Even if they are not doing us much harm, we have to be willing to let go of the people who are holding us back from where we truly want to be, be willing to be lonely for a while and then seek out and grasp the opportunities that come along that DO give us what we want.

 

I'm sure someone else will comment on the emotional violence factor as well, as clearly he's concealing some deep emotional issues which will prevent you from having a healthy committed relationship with him as that can easily flow over into abuse when he has to try and navigate the real issues that come with commitment. He's just not the person that you want.

You are dating a person whose issues are too great to have an emotionally healthy relationship. At 1.5 years refusing to define the relationship is not normal. And he is not treating you well either. Yet, you persist on this man who has emotional, commitment and anger issues like he is the only man on earth... which means that you have some serious issues of your own that you need to explore and address. What you described is a toxic relationship. Break up. Find a therapist to help you explore your issues with co-dependency and abandonment.

I get the vibe he's stringing you along using you for sex or support when it suits him (on the weekends apparently) as he hasn't defined the relationship/openly told you that you both are exclusive. On top of that, sounds like things are inconsistent. He doesn't compliment you (shows lack of interest), he hasn't told you the L word (he's guarded, and doesn't actually love you) and he can't keep his emotions and anger in check, this isn't someone you want to tango with if he escalates further than he already has; best case scenario he continues to punch doors/walls, worst case scenario he punches you. You know something isn't right with this guy and your instincts are telling you to depart. Trust that.

There are several red flags here...

 

Firstly, he was quite open about being "afraid to commit", when you asked him quite reasonably about your relationship. Heck, you were just asking for clarification, you weren't asking to have his babies!

 

Secondly, someone who responds to you in this fashion:

When I brought up the topic again, he became really frustrated and stopped talking to me for two weeks.

is not someone capable of working through problems which may arise in committed relationships, and is not long-term relationship material.

 

Thirdly, this:

He also has anger issues. He'll be really upset and start slamming things or punching doors and yelling.

While this kind of behaviour doesn't necessarily escalate to violence towards you, it does tell you very clearly that he has the emotional maturity of a toddler - which will manifest in other areas of life, too.

 

The real problem here for you, though, is your lack of a support network, which is making you overly dependent on someone who's not capable of showing up in a relationship. Rather than leaving him and feeling completely isolated (which will probably have you begging to go back), start to address this right now. Reach out to other people you know. Perhaps you've neglected old friends while you've been with him. Start going to Meetups and other events about things which interest you. But start living a life in your own right which is not dependent on what he does or doesn't do. Stop looking to him to be the source of all the good things in your life.

 

If you can really establish yourself in your own right, it will do wonders for your self confidence, and your perspective on whether to stay or leave will change. Your "relationship" will just be one factor in the way you live your life; you may decide to leave him behind and carry on free from the constraints of this uneasy liaison, or you may not. Rather than feeling anxious about how he feels about you, ask yourself how you feel about being treated like this - and then act accordingly.

I don't like that you've been dating for a year and a half and he won't call you his girlfriend.

 

My boyfriend has commitment issues too and he had a break through a lot of barriers in the first month or so but he did it because he wanted to make it work.

 

Don't ever be afraid to talk about how you're feeling or tell your partner that you're unhappy because you're afraid that they'll leave.

 

I've had to have NUMEROUS uncomfortable conversations with my partner about things that bother me/things I'm unhappy with, and you know what happens? We talk it through, we work on it & then we never have to worry about it again.

No no no. This isn't good. You're being too nice and letting him use you! I guess you're having sex? Well, he gets the sex for nothing while you're getting your hopes up and walking on egg shells with him to not scare him away.

 

Try this: make excuses for not hacing sex and stick with it and see how long he's still there.

 

It's always the same: if he doesn't want to call you his girlfriend, he's using you for something or he'd show you off to his friends and be proud to be with you.

It sounds to me like he's using you for sex and company the way it is now. Don't be the underdog!

 

*hugs*

 

/Vexna

It feels like I'm the only one trying to save the "sinking ship" or at least trying to figure what I am to this person. His birthday is coming up and I'm not sure if I should speak with him this weekend about it or wait until after his birthday.

 

I hate to say it but I already bought a gift and planned out dinner (that's if he doesn't have anything else planned.)

 

Your thoughts? You think it would be selfish for me to talk to him about this issue on or around his birthday?

It feels like I'm the only one trying to save the "sinking ship" or at least trying to figure what I am to this person. His birthday is coming up and I'm not sure if I should speak with him this weekend about it or wait until after his birthday.

 

I hate to say it but I already bought a gift and planned out dinner (that's if he doesn't have anything else planned.)

 

Your thoughts? You think it would be selfish for me to talk to him about this issue on or around his birthday?

 

Potentially, however you also deserve to feel more comfortable in this relationship, especially after a year and a half. You guys should be in a very different space than it seems you're currently in after all this time.

 

If it doesn't feel right to bring it up around his birthday, then wait for the following weekend or whenever you're comfortable. But please don't drag it out too long. You know you deserve answers.

Potentially, however you also deserve to feel more comfortable in this relationship, especially after a year and a half. You guys should be in a very different space than it seems you're currently in after all this time.

 

If it doesn't feel right to bring it up around his birthday, then wait for the following weekend or whenever you're comfortable. But please don't drag it out too long. You know you deserve answers.

Thank you, I'll try to keep you all updated