What do I do?

Ok, so I'm going to lay it out there and see what you guys think.

I've been with the same women for 19 years now. We have a child that's 17. I'm 38 and she's 40, so we met very young. We aren't married, more on that to come. She is disabled and draws SS due to her father passing at a young age. This is the main reason we aren't married, because she has this income with great health insurance. I make good money and support the family on my own. She pays for her car out of her money and buys food sometimes, but I pay all the household bills.

Her disability. She has limited use out of her left arm, and her left leg is shorter then her right. The doctors think she has some sort of stroke or spinal collapse issue when she was about 7 years old. I've loved her with all my heart since the beginning of our relationship. Over the years she's had several issues, broken hip surgery, hysterectomy, and multiple health issues. She walks with a limp, hasn't ever been able to work, arthritis kills her. She has been on narcotics for years as well as nerve pills, rightfully so. She always made do, but she's never been happy with her looks and people staring at her. This is just some background to maybe understand things now. She has never lived on her own, she went from living with her mother to me when we had been together for a couple of years.

About 3 years ago I started snoring, which kept her up. She had insomnia as well so I started sleeping on the couch. 3 years ago. I just now say that and start realizing how crazy that sounds but I love her. Our sex life has always been ok, usually once a week or every other week during worse health times.

Now to recently. About a year ago, she started taking Xeljanz for her RA. This drug turned out to be a miracle for her. She's about 4'6" and was about 120, she dropped down to around 95. She started really taking care of herself, hair, nails, tanning daily, the whole 9. She has always been beautiful to me, but now she's became a knockout. She still has her disability that bothers her, but she's stunning.

Well, about 3 months ago she got heavy into Facebook. I didn't think much about it when it started. We've both used FB for years, just here and there kinda to say high to family and people that we know. So around two months ago I started noticing things really change. She stopped doing anything around the house, just lives on FB. No pictures or real mention of me at all. She would go into the bedroom and shut the door. I could see the little green light on Facebook next to her name so I knew she was always on. I thought ok, just give her space. 2 months ago. She starts taking pictures of herself. I mean lingerie shots. She tells me that its for her own self to see years from now. ? She's starting to get attention from guys. Almost everyday she bragged about some guy flirting or hitting on her. Her self esteem is growing. Keep in mind she's NEVER had this happen due to her disability, but now she's really taking care of herself and it shows. The XJ is allowing her to function like a normal women for the first time in her life really. No pain for once. Our sex life is started to explode. She wants to do things she's never tried, and it's at worst every other day, sometimes everyday, sometimes twice a day.

As you can imagine it starts getting to me, the whole FB and picture thing, but I let her have her space. 4 weeks ago, things started to really spiral downhill. On a Saturday morning around noon she sits down on the couch with me and says she's leaving. She and my daughter are going to live with her sister. She says she's not happy and hasn't been for years. Of course I go all to hell, I keep a straight face and break down as she's leaving. She has no remorse at all it seems. Well, about 8 that evening I get a text that she doesn't like it there and wants to come home. Of course I tell her to come on, this is still your home. The next day we have sex and it's almost as if nothing happened.

After coming back we talked a couple of days later. She says that she wants to move out, but not with her sister. I say ok. She says that she just needs some time, and after figuring herself out come back the right way. Keep in mind she gets 1K monthly and that's it, no job or any other supplemental income besides me. She's never paid any household bills, that money is essentially for her car and what she spends on her hair, clothes, etc.

So up until last Thursday, we're in this grey zone. We're not really together, but obviously not apart either, she's still living at home. The FB thing is getting worse, and now I'm on full alert. I see messages pop up in FB messenger saying stuff like Hey baby!. Also, she's friended all these body builders from different countries in different facebook groups for women's entertainment. I can see her likes and posts to these guys photos cause she still hasn't hid stuff on FB. We're still having sex, but now we're arguing over the FB things and late night chats with guys.

Thursday. She has started going to the gym last week. She leaves for the gym and I get her Ipad. Her previous three or four conversations are all on there. The first one I open is sexually explicit. I don't mean basic kissy stuff, I mean full on Penthouse forum stuff. My BP is going up, but hey, I knew that was going on. She'd get horny and call me into the bedroom, figured she was doing something like that. Second conversation I open (these are all different guys), she not only has the explicit stuff, but a full blown masturbation video of herself in it. Face and all. Under her real name. Now I'm losing it, but keep going. The last conversation with a guy in London (we are US), she has done all the above and talking about me. Giving details about our sex life and how she fantasizes about him while me and her are having sex.

So I text her its over for good, I want her out in two weeks. This is as she's getting to the gym. She texts back, "What do you want me to say, we're not together". Sigh..... So Thursday and Friday are really bad, when I speak I scream, cry, can't look at her. Saturday was better, we talked and agreed that if she continues with the guys, it's while I'm not there. We have sex. I tell her I'm sleeping in the bed, no more couch. Things go well, she's not talking to the guys that day. Her head seems normal, she's crying and saying she loves me but that I'm stressing her out. We have a great night in bed. Sunday is kinda the same, seems kinda normal. She goes to gym and I look at IPad. She's deleted most things but I still see the main guy on there and there previous conversation. She tells him that me and her are done and she's pretty much biding her time to get out. When she gets home she's not on FB hardly at all, things seem normal. It's almost like she thinks she has this relationship with this model guy but she knows she'll never meet him. He has like 10k followers. I could see if she was chatting with a local but these are guys across the world.

Here I am. She's having a SS meeting for Ticket to Work to get a job, and still kinda in limbo about what to do. I told her to move in with her sister for a month or two and then figure out how she feels. I told her I'd wait for her, but if she comes back to come back the right way, no FB chats. So kinda in this limbo right now. She wants her own place but can't afford it.

I know it's the medication causing this, but without it she can't hardly function. It's almost like she's just getting a taste of life and is cutting loose. I've thought about maybe just letting it continue online cause hell, she hasn't physically cheated and it's almost like her foreplay now. But I know in my heart eventually she'll start doing this with a local, and that will turn into an actual meeting.

So what do I do???? I love her too much to just say go, but it's killing me right now that way it is. She seems to still love me, but want's to taste life on her own.

No. . sorry. She doesn't love you. She loves the security you offer and roof over her head, but if she loved you she wouldn't be doing the very things that hurt you and this relationship. She might certainly care for you, but by my definition, this is not love.

She can't have it both ways, yet you are allowing it. At least some.

She can't lead a life of an independent, single woman while she's under your roof and while you are supporting her.

Of course unless you support this?

Ask yourself, if she had the means to go and do what ever she pleases and support herself, would she still be under your roof?

There are consequences to ones actions. But for her that are none.

You are being wishy, washy and she knows it and is taking advantage of it.

I know it's hard, but she needs to go. How she manages this is not your problem.

She forfeited that luxury when she decided to reach out and gather attention of 10k other men.

Let them help her figure it out.

Do you think it's sort of a midlife crisis where she wants to relive the youth she never had?

Do you think it's sort of a midlife crisis where she wants to relive the youth she never had?

That's exactly what I think. It's like she has her life now and wants to spread her wings, but the medication is obviously affecting things. I feel as if she gets it out of her system things will be back to normal. But maybe I'm just seeing something that's gone. I'd die for her. I've always been by her side. Spent weeks in the hospital every night with her. Just can't seem to force her out, but can't live this way either or I'll crack.

Ask her this. If she feels that settling down so young, being chronically disabled etc, makes her feel like she missed out. Try to get to the heart of the matter.

That's exactly what I think. It's like she has her life now and wants to spread her wings, but the medication is obviously affecting things. I feel as if she gets it out of her system things will be back to normal. But maybe I'm just seeing something that's gone. I'd die for her. I've always been by her side. Spent weeks in the hospital every night with her. Just can't seem to force her out, but can't live this way either or I'll crack.

I have. She says she feels like I'm her father, but she loves me as well. I've spent my life with her. She's 40 and has been with me since 21. I just don't know how to handle things. I feel like she'll come back around to me after a taste of the real world, but fear if I drive her out she'll always hate me for it. This is hard, I've been with her my whole life. It's not like we've been in some 6 month relationship together. Just don't know. I'm not a cruel person, but maybe I need to figured out how to harden my heart some. Before it just disingrates. It's well past broke.

I guess what I'm saying is that's the heart of the matter, what now?

You're story is just incredible. Sorry you're going through this. I've heard, seen and experienced similar stories.

All I can say is that if you love her, then let her go. You say that you feel that if she gets a taste of the real world, then she'll come back. Then she would be coming back for the absolute wrong reason. Please think about that. You don't want that. Letting her go is not cruel. Closing the door on her is not cruel either. This is not so much as hardening your heart but respecting yourself and setting boundaries on what's acceptable or not. Continuing to take her back and being her safety net is the same as enabling an addict.

What now you ask? I've been through similar situations. And have learned the hard way. For me, I'm either 100% in or I'm 100% out. I believe in order to keep your sanity, you can't sit in this limbo. Doing nothing isn't an option. If you take the stance that you're 100% out, then start with a clean slate and figuratively "burn down the house". You have a well paying job? You're still fairly young? Give her the house and whatever other financial assets you see fit, then close the door, lock it and don't look back.

Now you *could* take the stance that you're 100% in. Is she? And would it be for the right reasons? Would she be willing to do whatever it takes? And if so, for how long.

Personally, I'd take the 100% out route. And in going down that route, if they don't eventually realize what they've lost? Then perhaps it was never teally there for the right reasons.

You're story is just incredible. Sorry you're going through this. I've heard, seen and experienced similar stories.

 

All I can say is that if you love her, then let her go. You say that you feel that if she gets a taste of the real world, then she'll come back. Then she would be coming back for the absolute wrong reason. Please think about that. You don't want that. Letting her go is not cruel. Closing the door on her is not cruel either. This is not so much as hardening your heart but respecting yourself and setting boundaries on what's acceptable or not. Continuing to take her back and being her safety net is the same as enabling an addict.

 

What now you ask? I've been through similar situations. And have learned the hard way. For me, I'm either 100% in or I'm 100% out. I believe in order to keep your sanity, you can't sit in this limbo. Doing nothing isn't an option. If you take the stance that you're 100% out, then start with a clean slate and figuratively "burn down the house". You have a well paying job? You're still fairly young? Give her the house and whatever other financial assets you see fit, then close the door, lock it and don't look back.

 

Now you *could* take the stance that you're 100% in. Is she? And would it be for the right reasons? Would she be willing to do whatever it takes? And if so, for how long.

 

Personally, I'd take the 100% out route. And in going down that route, if they don't eventually realize what they've lost? Then perhaps it was never teally there for the right reasons.

If I was able I would leave and give her the condo, but even though I make good money I'm deep in debt and underwater with the condo, so I don't have the means to pay for this place and me move out.

That's what makes this so hard. Something is wrong with her. I'm wondering if I should just try to contact her doctor on my own. She keeps saying she has dark thoughts, and I really think she's starting to lose her mind. That's the hardest part of this for me. If she just woke up one day and said she didn't love me anymore that would be one thing. That's what I thought initially, but something is wrong with her. Physically she is the best ever, mentally she's becoming unstable.

What you describe is not a woman who loves you ... but moreso a woman who is dependent on you.

Thx for all the advice. It really does help talking about all this. Not sure where to turn, if we stay together I don't want to blast her to family and whatnot. If we split I have too much respect for her to tarnish her as well. I just feel like I'm dying inside. I can't take time off work because I have a new CEO boss that's cleaning house in my 16 year job. I feel if I just take 3 or 4 days off I'll be on the "Hit List" all of a sudden. But I can't seem to eat, stomach is just knotted, and the anxiety is crushing me. I'm not sure if I should go to the doctor and tell him whats going on and maybe he can give me something, or do you guys that know this kind of thing have any recommendations of OTC stuff, maybe a supplement to help the anxiety? It feels like I've had this huge caffeine overdose the last few days, just shakey as hell and jumpy. I've went from 234 to 220 in 6 days. I started going to the gym with her yesterday, maybe to spend some time together. That seemed to help sleeping. I know this all seems pathetic but I've never been like this, all emotional and wrecked.

I read all of this. She is certainly going through a weird phase, but Ide try and work it out.Its all online fantasy stuff, not real.

Its like if a woman finds her husband with a porn collection, and maybe on a chatroom or whatever, and she has been married 20 years, she doesnt divorce.

You have been through too much together. She is just going through a phase and all of it is just goofy facebook nonsense, not real life stuff.

You have too much of your life invested in this.

I don't think it's the meds. I mean it is, but only indirectly, since her miracle drug has given her more freedom. She's most likely going through a midlife existential crisis as well.

I'm sure she probably checked out of the marriage long ago, but due to her illness figured she couldn't do any better. That's changed.

Its crap she's having these emotional affairs, and cyber sex. I'm sorry about that, I've been there, it sucks. I've been on the precipice of divorce on a couple occasions. Each time it we've gone to counselling and it helped. Sadly, if you do divorce, if you live in a no-fault state she'll probably take you to the cleaners because you've been together so long and her income potential is limited. If not, then I sincerely hope you got copies of all that crap.

Yes, get a checkup/referral for yourself. Best thing you can do is make sure you're on top of your own health and stress level right now.

Also it sounds like she's on a truckload of medications that may interact, have side effects, etc. Do you think that's playing a role in her seemingly uncharacteristic behavior?

I'm not sure if I should go to the doctor and tell him whats going on

Yes, get a checkup/referral for yourself. Best thing you can do is make sure you're on top of your own health and stress level right now.

 

Also it sounds like she's on a truckload of medications that may interact, have side effects, etc. Do you think that's playing a role in her seemingly uncharacteristic behavior?

Undoubtedly As Unreasonable stated, maybe she's wanted out for awhile now, but the meds have definitely affected her. She seemed unhappy with things years ago, but not us. She seemed as if her health was getting to her as she was in bad shape but loved me all the while. That's what I'm trying to figure out with her, whether she just doesn't want to be with me or if these meds are just flooding her with some sort of chemical imbalance. Since Friday things have been up and down. We had the best day in forever on Saturday, Sunday was ok but not bad, she didn't want to hardly speak yesterday (even though I was totally positive with her). Today so far from text/phone she seems to be doing really good and says she can't wait for me to get home.

I've started researching area therapists and will see if she's willing to go. Regardless of any of this, me or her staying together even, I worry about her and these meds.

Should I just send her this thread and see what she says?

Take whatever important points you noted in your mind and have a face-to-face, heart-to-heart talk, rather than the opinions of a "jury" she doesn't know, it may put her on the defensive.

Should I just send her this thread and see what she says?

So an update after a week. We're still living together and actually sleeping in the same bed for the first time in 3 years. Things are calm and peaceful at home, still not normal by any means but things are ok. We still consider ourselves kinda seperated/kinda not. It's weird I know but seems to be working at the moment. She's getting help from SSI with a job and deciding whether to move in with her sister or not. I told her to take her time and I'm fine either way.

She still uses FB and Istagram religiously but has stopped the one on one messaging. We have been going to the gym every evening since my last post, so that helps as well.

It's strange really, we seem the closest now than we have in years, but maybe that's just our way of letting things go. I don't know, things could get back to normal and we stay together or she could move out and see from there, I just know that I've accepted things either way. Personally I'm doing much better than when I originally posted. I know she is dependent on me, I know part of her deeply loves me, but I think she just doesn't know what she wants.

I guess time will tell, just wanted to update and thank everyone for all the replies. When all this went down I was worried about my career, my finances, and my home life went to hell all at once. It really helped opening up, I guess this was kinda like therapy to me.

Take whatever important points you noted in your mind and have a face-to-face, heart-to-heart talk, rather than the opinions of a "jury" she doesn't know, it may put her on the defensive.

Kinda ironic I was typing my message while you we're writing this! I've had quite a few talks with her, down to earth no arguing get to it talks. She wants to be independent but doesn't want to lose me. She says FB was boredom and she realizes she would never meet any of those men. I don't know, I watch porm here and there, maybe it's kinda like what she was doing. I told her we can try to make things work in time or she can start a new life, I'd always be there for her as a friend. She doesn't really know what she wants. I told her to stay as long as she needs to decide, as long as the behavior on FB stops. She can friend whomever, post whatever, but any of the inappropriate behavior (like the chats) needs to stop while she's living with me.

I didn't show her this thread, that would only exacerbate things I think.