How to handle break up? I want her back

Need a bit of advice please.

Been with my current girl for 4 months, she had a really bad relationship about 3-4 months before me where the guy cheated on her a few times. She was in a really serious relationship with him and they were living together and talking about children etc.

Apparently she was still finding things out for a while after too and then a month after she got with me and things were great. I noticed when the relationship was getting a bit deeper she would sort of pull back a bit and act a bit distant. This was mainly when I was showing her my affectionate side. This happened on and off she wouldnt like to touch etc, sometimes sex was less frequent, I could feel she was pulling away.

I confronted her about this and she said its totally nothing to do with me as she says im a perfect boyfriend and treat her well etc but my insecurities crept in a bit.

She was away on holiday last month with some mutual friends of ours and she was always on video chat with me saying how much she misses me and cant wait to get back to see me. The mutual friend told me she was talking about the future with me and stuff whilst she was away. We had an amazing christmas with her family etc and things were really great.

Fast forward to now and she split up with me 2 weeks ago and im completely lost. She says she doesnt know how to feel and there is something missing

Is it possible that she hasnt healed from her last relationship where she was treated bad and ive come into her life and treated her well and shes getting scared because were getting a bit serious? Its the only explanation I can come up with by myself as she has stated she was happy in the relationship.

We met up last week to discuss things and she is still confused she says, i just said im here for you if you need I dont wanna lose her out my life. She wants to meet up again tomorrow, what is the best way to handle this?

I cant hang around forever but I feel I cant just give up on her so easily, specially when I dont even know the cause of all this and neither does she by the sounds of it.

Thanks for the reading sorry about long post

Seems like you were a rebound and she's still not over her ex. You guys got into a relationship right after she got out of one, correct? Also, she gave up on you. You feel as though you shouldn't give up on someone who's let you go 2 weeks ago? If her feelings for you were true you guys would still be together.

If I were you I'd leave her alone until she figures everything out. If she's not giving you the kind of relationship that you want then remaining in contact will only leave you in pain. You're better off letting this girl go and getting some alone time. Not waiting around for this chick to make up her mind.. which it seems she already has.

You were a rebound. You never get involved with someone too soon after a long term, especially one that involves deceit.

Move on. It's done. Also, don't be there to be her friend or free counselor. Block and delete.

Actions speak louder than words. Even if she says that you are the prefect boyfriend, obviously she doesn't think so or she wouldn't have split with you in the first place. Not trying to be offensive or mean, but I would take it at face value and save yourself the drama by moving on with your life.

Seems like you were a rebound and she's still not over her ex. You guys got into a relationship right after she got out of one, correct? Also, she gave up on you. You feel as though you shouldn't give up on someone who's let you go 2 weeks ago? If her feelings for you were true you guys would still be together.

 

If I were you I'd leave her alone until she figures everything out. If she's not giving you the kind of relationship that you want then remaining in contact will only leave you in pain. You're better off letting this girl go and getting some alone time. Not waiting around for this chick to make up her mind.. which it seems she already has.

Well she got with me about 3 months after her ex but she said it was a really drawn out affair so didnt just end up 3 months before us. Yeah I just feel that I shouldn't give up being there for her its really difficult, we werent together for a long time but we did quite a lot together.

She wants to meet up and talk tomorrow morning, im not gonna try change her mind as that needs to come from her but she still hasn't actually said what the problem is. She said its not me, so the only explanation is the past relationship really. If we cant figure anything out tomorrow I need to distance myself for sure.

Well she got with me about 3 months after her ex but she said it was a really drawn out affair so didnt just end up 3 months before us. Yeah I just feel that I shouldn't give up being there for her its really difficult, we werent together for a long time but we did quite a lot together.

 

She wants to meet up and talk tomorrow morning, im not gonna try change her mind as that needs to come from her but she still hasn't actually said what the problem is. She said its not me, so the only explanation is the past relationship really. If we cant figure anything out tomorrow I need to distance myself for sure.

You're only prolonging the inevitable.

Three months is nothing,

There's no need for you to be "there for her." I'm assuming she isn't ill... For you to successfully be there for her means for you to agree to be her rebound. Meet up with her and get whatever closure is needed. If she decides she wants to be back with you and you accept, keep in mind she left you once for no apparent reason and it will most likely happen again.

i see this here all the time.

i just need an answer and i'll leave her alone then.

i just need closure.

i just need to see her one more time.

i just need an explanation.

i just need to meet up with her.

if she's not telling me what it is then maybe it's not over.

i just need to hear her say it again.

i feel like i want her to do something extreme and hate me so i could finally forget her.

i just want her to let me be there for her.

fact is if you're not ready to accept it's over you'll have ten thousand reasons to not move on. that's why you're offering being there for her. people cannot be tricked, bribed, cajoled, manipulated, persuaded into wanting to be with you.

i'd cancel the date and block her. but anyone telling you that now is probably speaking in vain.

Here's the cause of it, and this will hurt, but here it is: her feelings for you just don't run that deep. Maybe the ex has something to do with that, maybe not. Does it really matter?

I don't really believe in the whole idea of getting "scared off." I think that's just nonsense that drama queens perpetuate. "Oh, woe is me. My poor self-esteem is such that I must seek men who are bad for me and push away those who treat me well. Feel sorry for me rather than realize that I'm just kind of a shallow person." Yeah...OK. People who are happy and in love aren't going anywhere. It's not poor self-esteem or that daddy wasn't always nice to you--Johnny Neck-Tattoo with the jail record just turns your crank better than the stable but boring guy.

I'm not going to convince you not to meet with her in your current mental state. I get that. It's a breadcrumb and you're going to take it. I'm not saying that to be snarky. I've been where you are and I know what how it is..

But don't accept less than what you want. When you meet with her, this needs to be your position: "Look, I really thought we had a good thing going. I think breaking up with me was a huge mistake on your part. I'd like to pick back up where we left off. But if you don't want it that's fine. I'm just going to move on with my life and find something different and if you ever change your mind let me know. If I'm available at that time maybe we can try again." After that, go strict no contact. Don't accept any "maybes." You deserve better than "maybe."

And then really do start to move o with your life. She probably won't come back to you (I'm really, really sorry man, I know this pain is intense) but your best bet in renewing any interest on her part is to move on with your life and ignore her.

Yeah I do agree 3 months is nothing at all and I dont think she fully healed from that at all and we rushed into it quite quickly.

Think im just devastated because I thought it was getting serious and things were good.

No she isnt ill but Its hard to completely cut ties, she definitely needs time for all this doesnt she. Just wish she would totally say how she feels, maybe she will tomorrow and it will be a bit clearer in my mind. Ive thought all sorts these past few weeks

No she isnt ill but Its hard to completely cut ties, she definitely needs time for all this doesnt she.

also, she does not need you there for her. she isn't asking you to be there for her, and if she were, she'd be stringing you along.

you are portraying her as a poor victim of The Confusion Virus which makes pretty girls infatuated with their boyfriends break up with them for no reason, and if only their immune system overrides it or they let you cure them they'll be back to the girl who wants to be with you.

the only purpose the Poor Confused Lover story serves is for you to legitimize your unwillingness to accept the break up.

I agree with the others, you were a rebound.

Speaking from experience, 3 months is very short when compared to a long-term relationship that involved cheating and a drawn-out breakup. That kind of pain can take ages to get over.

It certainly doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It just means her heart isn't with you and she's not ready. Don't wait around for her, and don't try to be there for her. It's not a healthy dynamic and it will set you up for more pain.

Why can't you cut ties?

She ended the relationship. Time to move on.

'She's just not that into you, bro.'

Don't make excuses for her. She knows what she wants. Don't try to twist that reality into something else. It'll only make it worse for yourself.

I agree with the others, you were a rebound.

 

Speaking from experience, 3 months is very short when compared to a long-term relationship that involved cheating and a drawn-out breakup. That kind of pain can take ages to get over.

 

It certainly doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It just means her heart isn't with you and she's not ready. Don't wait around for her, and don't try to be there for her. It's not a healthy dynamic and it will set you up for more pain.

Yes it seems like I was we did joke about that sometimes too and me saying 'i better hadnt be your rebound' just joking around.

How do you think I should go into the meeting tomorrow? When we met up last week she said she 100% wants me in her life but doesnt know just as a friend or a boyfriend. I said to her then that I cannot set myself up for more hurt and we have to part ways if we cannot resolve this. She then started crying but said she understands. She said shes still so confused

Why can't you cut ties?

 

She ended the relationship. Time to move on.

She is such a great person and possibly one of the best people ive ever dated.

I definitely want her in my life too but I would need no contact to get over her before I could think about friends

Enter the meeting with no expectations. Being that she's unsure of whether or not she wants to still be with you romantically shows she's just not interested at the moment. If she's not over her ex and she broke up with you 2 weeks ago, how much do you think that opinion of hers has changed? Do you really want to be with someone who is stuck on their ex while you're a second thought? You can do better than that.

I definitely want her in my life too but I would need no contact to get over her before I could think about friends

 

We met up last week to discuss things and she is still confused she says, i just said im here for you if you need I dont wanna lose her out my life. She wants to meet up again tomorrow, what is the best way to handle this?

 

I cant hang around forever but I feel I cant just give up on her so easily, specially when I dont even know the cause of all this and neither does she by the sounds of it.

 

Thanks for the reading sorry about long post

Please don't see her tomorrow, she's gonna give you so much BS ,and is gonna do it just for her, to leave as a "nice person". Better leave with dignity, message her that she knows your position and you only want her if you guys have a relationship, not as a friend or whatever, and to look for you only if she wants the same, and go NC after . She'll come back if she'll want you, if she's not, means there is someone better for you there.

I know you gonna ignore all of us here saying "Don't see her tomorrow", but maybe pay attention to some peope who done those mistakes and regrets it.

Keep us in the loop

She is such a great person and possibly one of the best people ive ever dated.

 

I definitely want her in my life too but I would need no contact to get over her before I could think about friends

I don't think she's an especially "great person." I'm not saying she's a bad person, just that there's probably nothing objectively all that special about her. You're just still smitten. You'll get over it with no contact and by seeking out new women to date and focus your attention on--don't feel like you have to wait forever, I don't believe in that and the research I've been reading backs me up.

You only want to keep her in your life because you think that by doing so it keeps the door open for her. If you have any hope of getting her back--which I would NOT hold out for--it's not going to be by staying available and hanging around like a lovesick puppy.

Enter the meeting with no expectations. Being that she's unsure of whether or not she wants to still be with you romantically shows she's just not interested at the moment. If she's not over her ex and she broke up with you 2 weeks ago, how much do you think that opinion of hers has changed? Do you really want to be with someone who is stuck on their ex while you're a second thought? You can do better than that.

Yeah ive sort of already got that in my head, there is gonna be no begging or pleading from my side, want to keep my dignity and self respect.

I know she wouldnt ever get back with her ex but the only explanation for all this is she hasnt healed from it. Think its just hard to take cos I was blindsided by it

okay, so you have agreed to meet her last week and tomorrow why? because she asked you to listen to more of her confusing and confused bull? what about telling her you need to not be in touch?

Well it was a mutual thing last week but this week yeah id rather have left it as I have told her we need space and to not talk for a while, but I figured il see what it is she has to say. Confusing it definitely is but I feel I do need to meet her one last time before totally cut ties if I have to

Please don't see her tomorrow, she's gonna give you so much BS ,and is gonna do it just for her, to leave as a "nice person". Better leave with dignity, message her that she knows your position and you only want her if you guys have a relationship, not as a friend or whatever, and to look for you only if she wants the same, and go NC after . She'll come back if she'll want you, if she's not, means there is someone better for you there.

I know you gonna ignore all of us here saying "Don't see her tomorrow", but maybe pay attention to some peope who done those mistakes and regrets it.

 

Keep us in the loop

Yeah I mean I will go NC with her if I need to, need to look out for myself too. I did say last week when we met if we can't be romantically involved then I cant be just 'friends' with her because im only prolonging my hurt.

Yeah I am still going to see her as I need to do this, but im not gonna be weak. Il be a strong person and let her go if needs be

okay. just be careful. expect nothing but more word salad. come back here if you need to. will you be able to tell her you don't want to be in touch?

i know it sucks hearing these things now. but krankor is right. if you leave a door open, they don't use it to get back together. they use it to keep you hooked in vain and for comfort.

okay. just be careful. expect nothing but more word salad. come back here if you need to. will you be able to tell her you don't want to be in touch?

 

i know it sucks hearing these things now. but krankor is right. if you leave a door open, they don't use it to get back together. they use it to keep you hooked in vain and for comfort.

Yes I will be, on one hand ive accepted the fact but on the other I feel there is unfinished business as the cause still hasnt been identified.

Yes ive already told her last week I wouldnt be able to have her in my life just as friends for now. I said if you dont want to be in a relationship just say 100% you don't and il walk the other way now, but she just cried and said she cant decide I will do it if I need to