Moving on

I've never posted on a forum or anything like this before but I just needed to get everything that's been on my mind these last few days. Me and my partner have split after two years together, I thought this guy was my soul mate. I've know him for a long time. He has severe depression and anxiety and drank a lot to deal with the issues he had, when we got together he was doing drugs and was jobless but I cared for him so much it thought I could get him in a better place. We dated and things were great, he started working, stopped the drugs, the drinking was always there but it was only when we moved out last year but that was when things got tough. He would miss work constantly because of his anxiety and would end up drinking excessively and it would be a vicious cycle. I ended up covering most if not all the bills, in debt, doing all the tidying/washing up while working full time. But I would have supported him through anything because I was besotted with him but it came to a point where the drinking was more important than me. I begged him to get help and make a change but it was all empty promises. He finished our relationship this week because he said he couldn't cope with upsetting me anymore. I've lost my best friend. I told all his closest friends and family in hope they can look out for him now I'm not around. I know that I'm probably better without him but I'm so heartbroken. I'm gonna be homeless in 4 weeks and this is the lowest I've ever felt. It's truly gutting when you do everything you can to look after someone and you just end up back at square one and so will he, back to drugs and drinking every day without a job. I suppose I'm mourning what should/could of been. This is the time to work on me, so I'm not constantly anxious worrying about someone else instead of myself but I don't no know where to start. I miss him more than anything. Has anyone dealt with a similar breakup or have any advice on how I can move on from this?

I would very strongly advise you to find an Alanon meeting, and attend regularly. It's the support groups for friends and families of alcoholics and addicts, but it's not so much the substance use which is relevant here, as your own caretaking behaviour and that you need to take care of yourself first. This is the story of my last breakup:

Back in those days, I don't know what I'd have done without the group; not only were they a bunch of people who would totally understand, not gossip, and be supportive, but I found that issues which had not been touched by years of therapy could finally be released. And it's all for free!

It's truly gutting when you do everything you can to look after someone and you just end up back at square one and so will he, back to drugs and drinking every day without a job. I suppose I'm mourning what should/could of been.

- Sadly.. yes, all along you were TRYING to take care of him, like a parent? Which was wrong.

You can NOT fix them.. you can only fix yourself.. or accept what is.

You ended up going downhill with him, emotionally.

Usually, we get involved, wanting to find someone who equals us, or actually makes life good. Not acting like we need to take care of them.

if they dont have their act together, then avoid.

Yes.. it can really hurt, losing something you were hoping to have work out. Been there too

He NEEDS help, most likely, with the ways he's dealing with his issue's. Being depressed, drinking etc.

Let this be a learning experience for you.... and in the future, try to pick up 'red flags' sooner.... then react and back out-- OR this happens. We lose

Some people, just aren't 'relationship material', my therapist once said.. and I know, it hurts.

How to move on? Start taking care of YOU now.

If you feel you're really anxious... emotionally drained etc.. consider some prof help. Always good to talk things out.. to work on accepting and healing.

As well, there is talking to your dr about anti depressants, etc.. something for anxiety as well?

All takes time.

My anxiety is mainly based on the future, I have to move back in with my mum while I sort out another place to live and that worry is normal. Most of my anxiety sprouted from worrying about him and not being able to control his destructive actions which is now gone, even though I'm still worrying about him. Two years and I've realised you can support someone to the end of the earth but it comes down to them and I couldn't make him get help or change his actions. I'm going to focus on me & get myself back to good mental & physical health. But it's going to be a long road before this pain subsides.

Yes... it sure can be

As someone once mentioned, every relationship is different.

It might take you a cpl months to recover from a LTR... and the next could be short term but be just as damaging on you

Im there now.... pretty much at my breaking point with it all.. like why bother?

Take your time... gd luck

My anxiety is mainly based on the future, I have to move back in with my mum while I sort out another place to live and that worry is normal. Most of my anxiety sprouted from worrying about him and not being able to control his destructive actions which is now gone, even though I'm still worrying about him. Two years and I've realised you can support someone to the end of the earth but it comes down to them and I couldn't make him get help or change his actions. I'm going to focus on me & get myself back to good mental & physical health. But it's going to be a long road before this pain subsides.

 

You know it's time to get therapy when the jobless drug addict dumps YOU.

 

I feel very sorry for you. You've created this sense of loving = rescuing that is entirely unhealthy. I hope you seek professional help.

 

And be very grateful you have a mom to fall back on. Not everyone does.

I recently supported a friend as she left her alcoholic boyfriend. We went to an Alanon meeting together and she said those really did help her greatly. Otherwise, sending you hugs from one broken heart to another.

Found out this week the drugs never stopped, he was doing cocaine the whole he was with me and lying to constantly. I was so love blind and trusted he wouldn't lie to me. I was so stupid to think I could save him. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust someone again after this. This world is full of horrid selfish people. Worst thing is he seems to be dealing with the break up fine, it's me who's broken and it just doesn't feel fair at all.

Although our stories are quite different ..

My ex is an alcoholic too. A lying cheating one.

You feel as if they chose booze over love, trust, having a normal life. And guess what? He did.

And you say he has depression and anxiety, so as a result he drinks. The depression and anxiety IS because of his drinking.

My ex, after a night or few days of heavy drinking, he would be the most miserable ahole ever. We couldn't go out and run errands because he was always complaining about everyone and everything!!!! I'd keep my mouth shut and let him run his mouth. But then he'd blame his miserable attitude on me. Are you kidding?? Who's here paying for groceries, reminding you to drink water to cleanse that trash out of your body? Waking you up early so you can get to work? He took all of that as nagging. Hah.

It's sad, so so sad to see them waste away. I feel your pain, but if they don't want to help themselves .. then what're we doing with our lives?? My ex knows he has a drinking problem, but he refuses to do anything about it. And he'll probably never do anything about it. Even when he hits rock bottom, guess what? Booze will always be there for him. We have a choice. A healthy way of life or a drugs and booze fueled abusive boyfriend?

By being with them, we're wasting our lives away as much as they are. He's your drug. Quit now.

Although our stories are quite different ..

 

My ex is an alcoholic too. A lying cheating one.

 

You feel as if they chose booze over love, trust, having a normal life. And guess what? He did.

 

And you say he has depression and anxiety, so as a result he drinks. The depression and anxiety IS because of his drinking.

 

My ex, after a night or few days of heavy drinking, he would be the most miserable ahole ever. We couldn't go out and run errands because he was always complaining about everyone and everything!!!! I'd keep my mouth shut and let him run his mouth. But then he'd blame his miserable attitude on me. Are you kidding?? Who's here paying for groceries, reminding you to drink water to cleanse that trash out of your body? Waking you up early so you can get to work? He took all of that as nagging. Hah.

 

It's sad, so so sad to see them waste away. I feel your pain, but if they don't want to help themselves .. then what're we doing with our lives?? My ex knows he has a drinking problem, but he refuses to do anything about it. And he'll probably never do anything about it. Even when he hits rock bottom, guess what? Booze will always be there for him. We have a choice. A healthy way of life or a drugs and booze fueled abusive boyfriend?

 

By being with them, we're wasting our lives away as much as they are. He's your drug. Quit now.

Thank you for this. It's true, my obsession became trying to save this man from the horrible life he created for himself because I loved him but we all have a choice when it comes to mental health, if you want to get better you make the steps to do that. In our two year relationship I supported him financially, emotionally, I was the person there who everyone would say 'she's the best thing to ever happen to you', I sorted us out a place to life so he could get away from his unhinged physco dad who would scream and break things, I got him work with my dad when he lost yet another job from not going in and blaming it on his anxiety when it would be an excuse to drink all day or feel sorry for himself. Yet I was being lied to the whole time, I don't think he cheated on me but the fact he lied to my face on a regular basis about his drug use just proves I shouldn't have trusted him. I done everything. My emotions and needs were not a consideration in my eyes.

You can blame anxiety and depression for your way of living but you won't find the cure in a drug or at the bottom of a bottle. How stupid and messed up can they be to take good people for granted and let them walk so easily out of their lives.

People love to comment on a relationship and how you are the perfect couple when they see you laughing together down the pub on a Friday evening. No one is quite knows the hell he put me through.

I'll always care for him but he's a toxic person and one day I'll look back and wonder why I sold myself short.