BF and his ex's child (not his)

Dating BF for almost 3 years. At first he told me about how he and his ex had a close relationship. Going to lunch, helping with advice etc. that's a big NO for me. So after 2 years he finally told her that needed to stop unless she was reaching out to him regarding HER son. He is close to HER son and attends his sporting games and will be attending his graduation. But he refuses to bring me because I have nothing to do with that. But he does? This is the biggest issue we aren't together over it. But we keep fighting about it. He's also never attended a wedding with me, had to "break his arm" to even get me to meet his family after a year. Is it me or is wrong with him.

Also. When he initially told me about the "relationship" with the ex I told him it wasn't for me. His word were "I'll do whatever I have to do for us to work". Only a year later did he tell the ex to stop reaching out to him. And also, when he attends her son's games, he doesn't even tell me. It's like a whole other life he keeps me away from.

Would it be better to find a boyfriend without previous attachments ?

Would it be better to find a boyfriend without previous attachments ?

Yes. I guess I wanted it to work out and for him to make adjustments that would benefit US.

Did he have a big part in raising the boy ?

Dating BF for almost 3 years. At first he told me about how he and his ex had a close relationship. Going to lunch, helping with advice etc. that's a big NO for me. So after 2 years he finally told her that needed to stop unless she was reaching out to him regarding HER son. He is close to HER son and attends his sporting games and will be attending his graduation. But he refuses to bring me because I have nothing to do with that. But he does? This is the biggest issue we aren't together over it. But we keep fighting about it. He's also never attended a wedding with me, had to "break his arm" to even get me to meet his family after a year. Is it me or is wrong with him.

The ex's son is 18 years old. And when I mentioned taking me from time to time. He said he needed the moms permission. My response was no I don't think so.

Did he have a big part in raising the boy ?

He was with her when the son was 6 and the dad is like a Pat dad. I get that. And he takes the son out to play basketball with him every Monday. I say nothing about that. I try to understand. But when it goes more than that, I'm not ok with it.

He was with her when the son was 6 and the dad is like a Pat dad. I get that. And he takes the son out to play basketball with him every Monday. I say nothing about that. I try to understand. But when it goes more than that, I'm not ok with it.

And they were together maybe 4-5 years.

Your mistake was sticking around after you said it was a big no to you. Obviously, you sticking around year after year told him it wasn't a deal breaker for you. After you two became exclusive, he should've been excited to introduce you to family. You had to demand it. I can see him wanting to spend one on one time with the boy he sees as his son, but he should want you at public events such as attending the boys games and graduation, etc.

No, you're accepting breadcrumbs. When a relationship is this frustrating and upsetting, it means it's not the right one for you. Make a list of must-haves and deal breakers for future relationships and stick to it. If you'd done this at the beginning of this fiasco, you would have exited a disaster in the making without wasting 3 years of your precious life.

Your mistake was sticking around after you said it was a big no to you. Obviously, you sticking around year after year told him it wasn't a deal breaker for you. After you two became exclusive, he should've been excited to introduce you to family. You had to demand it. I can see him wanting to spend one on one time with the boy he sees as his son, but he should want you at public events such as attending the boys games and graduation, etc.

 

No, you're accepting breadcrumbs. When a relationship is this frustrating and upsetting, it means it's not the right one for you. Make a list of must-haves and deal breakers for future relationships and stick to it. If you'd done this at the beginning of this fiasco, you would have exited a disaster in the making without wasting 3 years of your precious life.

Thank you!! I made it clear in the beginning so I thought. I told him it was a no for me amd I left. and his response made me think it would be different. But instead he kept it a secret for the most part till it came to light. Then when it did he showed me texts telling her to stop reaching out. Only reason the games and graduations came up were because I brought them up. And then his response is that it doesn't pertain to me because it's not his son. We split up. And now he came back around to take me out for my bday and didn't bring anything up. So I did. And it's the same response from him. So I ended it but guess I'm questioning if I'm being unreasonable. Which I don't believe I am.

And they were together maybe 4-5 years.

Okay. That is a LONG time in a young person's life and development. Almost a third of his life . That would be a horrible thing to do to this young man at this point is for your boyfriend to ditch him . Our first step father raised us from the time my brother was 18 months until my brother was nine years old at which point we were completely abandoned . As a 50-year-old adult I get why he had to do it but my brother who is 47 still carries that scar in his heart . And I carried that scar in my heart as well for a long time .

Kids just aren't meant to be thrown away .

Okay. That is a LONG time in a young person's life and development. Almost a third of his life . That would be a horrible thing to do to this young man at this point is for your boyfriend to ditch him . Our first step father raised us from the time my brother was 18 months until my brother was nine years old at which point we were completely abandoned . As a 50-year-old adult I get why he had to do it but my brother who is 47 still carries that scar in his heart . And I carried that scar in my heart as well for a long time .

 

Kids just aren't meant to be thrown away .

No that's the part I understand. I never asked him to end the relationship with the boy. He spends every Monday with him one on one I would tell him to have fun. It's when it goes beyond that and he insists I can't be a part of any events or anything pertaining to him.

Maybe the young person doesn't want you there ? Maybe he still carries the hurt that his mom and her boyfriend broke up ? Maybe he sees you as arrival for affection ?

Maybe the young person doesn't want you there ? Maybe he still carries the hurt that his mom and her boyfriend broke up ? Maybe he sees you as arrival for affection ?

Nope. He never told the boy anything about me. They broke up so long ago and the mom supposedly has had other boyfriends.

Maybe the young person doesn't want you there ? Maybe he still carries the hurt that his mom and her boyfriend broke up ? Maybe he sees you as arrival for affection ?

And that's part of my issue. Does he want the boy to only see him and his mom together. So he can never move on?

I don't know then that sounds really confusing . Maybe it is your boyfriend that can't move on.

You did the right thing breaking up. He hasn't integrated you in his life as he should. He kept secrets from you because he didn't want to stop the behavior that upset you and didn't want you nagging. Since he hides things, it's very possible that he still devotes emotional energy to his ex, but is better at hiding it from you. That's great that he has a wonderful relationship with a boy who is like his stepchild, but healthy blended families include the new partner when appropriate, in the examples I gave.

The boy would understand that his stepdad will or does have a new lady in his life, and it'd be expected that his stepdad might bring his gf/wife along to functions like baseball games. I think the reason your bf doesn't bring you is because of his emotional affair with his ex. They may even be hooking up since they have such a bond.

If it were me, I'd walk away because I'm the treasure and worthy of far better.

I don't know then that sounds really confusing . Maybe it is your boyfriend that can't move on.

He insists he wants nothing to do with the ex but I don't expect him to tell me if there does. I try to believe it's not that but things don't make sense to me.

He insists he wants nothing to do with the ex but I don't expect him to tell me if there does. I try to believe it's not that but things don't make sense to me.

The ex would even be invited to his sisters house for THEIR family functions. I found out thru asking him questions. Was I invited? No. so he told his sister to stop inviting her too.

OK ,it definitely sounds like your boyfriend and his family just couldn't move on . She gets invited to family functions and you don't? Well, no. I would blow that pop stand for sure .

OK ,it definitely sounds like your boyfriend and his family just couldn't move on . She gets invited to family functions and you don't? Well, no. I would blow that pop stand for sure .

Well now because he told his sister to it do that anymore and he told the ex to stop reaching out. He feels he's made all accommodations necessary. But the events I'm not allowed to be part of and the other stuff I probably have no idea about aren't gonna work for me.

You did the right thing breaking up. He hasn't integrated you in his life as he should. He kept secrets from you because he didn't want to stop the behavior that upset you and didn't want you nagging. Since he hides things, it's very possible that he still devotes emotional energy to his ex, but is better at hiding it from you. That's great that he has a wonderful relationship with a boy who is like his stepchild, but healthy blended families include the new partner when appropriate, in the examples I gave.

 

The boy would understand that his stepdad will or does have a new lady in his life, and it'd be expected that his stepdad might bring his gf/wife along to functions like baseball games. I think the reason your bf doesn't bring you is because of his emotional affair with his ex. They may even be hooking up since they have such a bond.

 

If it were me, I'd walk away because I'm the treasure and worthy of far better.

After the first time the ex called him instead of ending that right there. He changed her name in his phone. And then that's when it became a bigger problem and we split up. Then he send me texts that he told her to stop reaching out. So yes I have trust issues and it's his fault.

BTW, graduation tickets are limited and he is lucky that he could even go himself. He raised this young man and he should be there to see him graduate.

No that's the part I understand. I never asked him to end the relationship with the boy. He spends every Monday with him one on one I would tell him to have fun. It's when it goes beyond that and he insists I can't be a part of any events or anything pertaining to him.

He is a part of this young man's life. He doesn't need to complicate it by bringing someone else into the relationship. If you guys were engaged or dating a long time, you would be included. But why would you need to be there for one on one Monday nights? It does not sound like his parents or anyone else in his family has a relationship with the boy. I am glad you broke it off if you couldn't handle it. He should be commended for staying in a child's life, even if the child was not his.

BTW, graduation tickets are limited and he is lucky that he could even go himself. He raised this young man and he should be there to see him graduate.

 

 

 

He is a part of this young man's life. He doesn't need to complicate it by bringing someone else into the relationship. If you guys were engaged or dating a long time, you would be included. But why would you need to be there for one on one Monday nights? It does not sound like his parents or anyone else in his family has a relationship with the boy. I am glad you broke it off if you couldn't handle it. He should be commended for staying in a child's life, even if the child was not his.

I do commend him for that and I don't want to be with him on his one on one days with him. But he goes beyond that and just keeps me separate from that and I'm not OK with it. It's not even an option for me to be included in anything at all.

BTW, graduation tickets are limited and he is lucky that he could even go himself. He raised this young man and he should be there to see him graduate.

 

 

 

He is a part of this young man's life. He doesn't need to complicate it by bringing someone else into the relationship. If you guys were engaged or dating a long time, you would be included. But why would you need to be there for one on one Monday nights? It does not sound like his parents or anyone else in his family has a relationship with the boy. I am glad you broke it off if you couldn't handle it. He should be commended for staying in a child's life, even if the child was not his.

Everything is questionable to me because of the relationship he maintains with the ex-girlfriend. And to keep me so separate from that it's like a double life but I have no knowledge of anything. And that's what I'm on comfortable with. And I would think that he would try to make me comfortable with the situation to