I've always had relationship anxiety...

I met a guy online. We clicked very easily and could talk about anything. He's charming, mature, knows what he wants from life, and serious. We got very close and even started talking about a potential future together after a few months of talking to each other.

My problem is that, whenever I start liking someone in any relationship, I start having fears of losing them. I start to notice all the things that he *isn't* doing. I started asking him whether he actually loved me. I asked him why he doesn't do certain things. I would sometimes become depressed thinking about all of those things.

I should note here that this is something that happens to me regardless of whether I'm in a long distance relationship or not. I am a perfectly confident and well-adjusted person outside of relationships, but as soon as I start liking a guy, fear of abandonment kicks in and I become a mess.

He flew me over to the US to meet him. We had a great time, but in the last 2 days I reverted back to being insecure. I felt sad that I was leaving, and he told me to stop feeling sad and just be in the moment. Instead of listening to him, I just became insecure because he didn't feel as sad as I did about me leaving...

After I got back home, he called me on Skype and we ended up talking to each other a lot. I was still moody/unsure. A day later, he told me we talk too much and we need to reduce it. This, of course, triggered my insecurities even more and after a few hours of not talking to him I told him I wanted to break up. Side note: I almost broke up with him about 10 times throughout our relationships before we met, and he knows that this is an issue I have. With this knowledge in mind, he did not react emotionally and just told me that we're not breaking up but we still need to take a break from talking.

I still feel like . I hope I'm not Sabotaging this. He told me He feels overwhelmed and unwanted. I need any advice from anyone who has the same problem as me. I can control how I act for a few months, and then an emotional moment just brings me back to how I was before. How do I make a permanent change in myself and prevent the loss of this relationship?

Yes, you are sabotaging.

You can't always control how you feel, but you can control how you behave. Practice awareness. When you see that you're starting to badger him (or anyone), stop. Take a breath. Let it go.

You realize that you have anxiety. Don't get distracted by the underlying reason for it. It's too easy for that to become an excuse for bad behavior. Plus, the underlying cause is not always what you think it is!

Go to therapy, read books about anxiety. Talk to others. Journal. But first and foremost, deal with the way that you behave. Get that under control, because your behavior will make or break your relationships faster than anything else.

This is someone you met one time - basically had one date with - doing the fantasy/insta-relationship is going to exarcebate your issue, if there is one. That's fine that you shared your issue with him but subjecting him to your issue in the way you did - the constant drama/breaking up/neediness - too much for someone to take even if you were actually in a relationship with him -complete dealbreaker IMO with someone you only met once in person. What I would do - meet people in person ASAP. No specific future talk (as opposed to general goals) until you've been regularly dating in person for 6 months. No constant texting/talking when you're not together -and see each other twice a week at first at most. That will help a lot IMO.

Thanks guys, I do know that I need to work on myself. And yes, I know that I can change my actions, and I do always reach a point where I tell myself "ok, time for a change!"

... and then I reach an emotional point in my life, and I relapse again.

I also want to go to therapy, but I'm in the middle of my Master's degree which leaves me with virtually no time to do anything for myself, even on the weekends. This also hinders my ability to control myself emotionally, as the stress from school affects it.

Thanks guys, I do know that I need to work on myself. And yes, I know that I can change my actions, and I do always reach a point where I tell myself "ok, time for a change!"

 

... and then I reach an emotional point in my life, and I relapse again.

 

I also want to go to therapy, but I'm in the middle of my Master's degree which leaves me with virtually no time to do anything for myself, even on the weekends. This also hinders my ability to control myself emotionally, as the stress from school affects it.

Put yourself first a little bit. When I was in graduate school, I found the 1 hour per week to take advantage of free therapy, and it was worth it. I did two concurrent masters degrees, one in architecture which demanded most of my time on nights and weekends in addition to class time, as well as several all-nighters each semester. I practically lived in the studio. However, I did find time for the therapy because it helped me. I also found time for horseback riding, which was another sanity saver. Do yourself a favor and stop suffering.

Thanks guys, I do know that I need to work on myself. And yes, I know that I can change my actions, and I do always reach a point where I tell myself "ok, time for a change!"

 

... and then I reach an emotional point in my life, and I relapse again.

 

I also want to go to therapy, but I'm in the middle of my Master's degree which leaves me with virtually no time to do anything for myself, even on the weekends. This also hinders my ability to control myself emotionally, as the stress from school affects it.

Then maybe it's just not a good time to be focusing on relationships. Perhaps keep it more to going out on a casual date here and there, spend more time with just friends and socializing at large in order to unwind with what little time you have. Taking your stress and issues out on a relationship will strain even the strongest of relationships if not actually end them cold.

Also, figure out something to do to unwind on a regular basis. When I was in grad school, my friends and I all had different random things that we do to unwind that we jokingly referred to as "my daily therapy session". In a way, it was exactly that. I'm not talking the cliche meditate or do yoga, but just finding whatever floats your boat that you find relaxing and engaging at the same time. Practice that not just for daily stress management but also for your relationship anxiety as well.

psot2

I went at length to do the samething you did for about 5-6 months. And guess what happened? I did sabotage my relationship.

It got to a point where he did start avoiding me.It was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It got to a point where he wouldn't even talk to me for 5 minutes a day.

And that did the trick. It triggered something inside me. I realized I was a desperate, crying, insecure mess. My friends were tired of me crying all the time. Not only did i manage to sabotage a relationship that wasn't even that shaky to begin with, i sabotaged my friendships too.

And thats when i realized something :

"Apni izzat, apne haathon main."

That translates to, "Your respect, is in your hands."

It's true that you can't stop feeling insecure, specially if you had a harsh past. What you CAN stop however, is making a fool out of yourself.

You feel insecure? Thats okay. Everybody does on some level. Maybe people like us feel it on a stronger level. That should not however be used as an excuse to trouble someone else. People will gravitate towards individuals who are drama free.

Men, or for that matter ANY human being, will respect a stable-minded mature individual. If you really want the relationship you want, a happy one, then provide him that environment.

YOU CAN NEVER CONTROL ANOTHER PERSON'S THOUGHTS.Hell, we can't even control our own thoughts! Your insecurity is an attempt to control his actions and make it conform to yours. And trust me, every single time he is forced to assure you of his loyalty, he will do the exact opposite. You know what you can do instead and will probably give you a better chance to make this work?

Do this:

Work on yourself. Calm yourself down. You can't control his actions but you can definitely influence it by providing him a conducive environment where he feels happy. He wants space? Okay, give it to him. Think of it as a Christmas present you gave someone.

Thanks guys, I do know that I need to work on myself. And yes, I know that I can change my actions, and I do always reach a point where I tell myself "ok, time for a change!"

 

... and then I reach an emotional point in my life, and I relapse again.

 

I also want to go to therapy, but I'm in the middle of my Master's degree which leaves me with virtually no time to do anything for myself, even on the weekends. This also hinders my ability to control myself emotionally, as the stress from school affects it.

Well, no - you are responsible for your choices as to how you react. No point in blaming your emotions - it's about impulse control. Sure it's hard to control your actions and reactions to your feelings - for everyone -and sometimes it's harder than other times. Doesn't make you any less responsible for your choices. It's when it's hardest -when you're vulnerable/emotional, that it's the most important to make good choices

And it takes almost no time to do anxiety-decreasing breathing exercises- like 4-7-8 breathing (google Weil and 4-7-8) - everyone has 20 seconds to do deep breathing.

I also want to go to therapy, but I'm in the middle of my Master's degree which leaves me with virtually no time to do anything for myself, even on the weekends. This also hinders my ability to control myself emotionally, as the stress from school affects it.

You do have a common issue, and the earlier you begin working with a therapist, the better. Not after you finish school, during. Your tuition covers mental health counseling on campus, so you've paid for it already. The time? Shift the time you devote to building fantasies with a stranger who's thousands of miles away over to healing the driver that made you pursue such an unworkable situation in the first place.

You sought a LDR for a reason. I'd bring that to a counselor before I'd waste more time pining for a guy you hardly know.

Head high, you can do this.

Update for anyone who's interested...

I stopped taking the contraceptive pill because we both agreed it may have been causing my emotional reactions to things (I've been on the pill for longer than I can remember - way before I became sexually active - because it helped me with bad periods). The result is incredible - I really did stop feeling anxious, although I still feel sadness (probably natural) over us being long distance.

I realised that what I was feeling was real, but exacerbated by my emotions. I wasn't comfortable by the fact that I had to put all the effort into the relationship - I had to move there, I had to fly there, etc. In the end though, no matter what I do or say, he always reassures me that he loves me and will never leave me. He also bought a last minute ticket to see me to show me that he's also making an effort - it will coincide with Valentine's day, which we'll spend together.

I do believe that he means what he says, but I know that we'll have to wait at least 2 years before we can live together. He says he's willing to wait that long, and I know that I'm willing to wait that long too. The only problem is that I'm 26 (27 in July) and I want to get married and have kids, and I'm scared that if it doesn't work out, I'll have to start waiting for a new guy all over again and I'm really scared of missing my window of opportunity to have kids when I hit my 30s... this is something he doesn't have to worry about because he's a guy.

Oh, he also told me that because of my behaviour he isn't attracted to me "mentally" anymore (because he sees me as a weaker person) but he's still attracted to me emotionally and physically. This seems very honest, but I can't help but feel doomed now. Like there's no way of salvaging his view of me in his eyes...

Update for anyone who's interested...

 

I stopped taking the contraceptive pill because we both agreed it may have been causing my emotional reactions to things (I've been on the pill for longer than I can remember - way before I became sexually active - because it helped me with bad periods). The result is incredible - I really did stop feeling anxious, although I still feel sadness (probably natural) over us being long distance.

 

I realised that what I was feeling was real, but exacerbated by my emotions. I wasn't comfortable by the fact that I had to put all the effort into the relationship - I had to move there, I had to fly there, etc. In the end though, no matter what I do or say, he always reassures me that he loves me and will never leave me. He also bought a last minute ticket to see me to show me that he's also making an effort - it will coincide with Valentine's day, which we'll spend together.

 

I do believe that he means what he says, but I know that we'll have to wait at least 2 years before we can live together. He says he's willing to wait that long, and I know that I'm willing to wait that long too. The only problem is that I'm 26 (27 in July) and I want to get married and have kids, and I'm scared that if it doesn't work out, I'll have to start waiting for a new guy all over again and I'm really scared of missing my window of opportunity to have kids when I hit my 30s... this is something he doesn't have to worry about because he's a guy.

Have you considered looking into freezing your eggs? I didn't have that opportunity at your age -the technology wasn't there.

Oh, he also told me that because of my behaviour he isn't attracted to me "mentally" anymore (because he sees me as a weaker person) but he's still attracted to me emotionally and physically. This seems very honest, but I can't help but feel doomed now. Like there's no way of salvaging his view of me in his eyes...

Whaattttt?????

Are you ok with that?!?!

Whaattttt?????

 

Are you ok with that?!?!

Of course I'm not ok with that, but he's just being honest. I'd break up with him if I didn't think it would ever change...

That's the reason I'm posting here. I'm conflicted about whether I think it would change or not, and I'm wondering what people here think.

Oh, he also told me that because of my behaviour he isn't attracted to me "mentally" anymore (because he sees me as a weaker person) but he's still attracted to me emotionally and physically. This seems very honest, but I can't help but feel doomed now. Like there's no way of salvaging his view of me in his eyes...

I would react in this way. I would tell him that you of course care about yourself too much to be with someone who feels that way. If he changes his mind and thinks he can see you as an equal he can contact you, and if you're still interested and available you'll consider it. Or if you're ok with having him as a sex buddy and the benefits of that are worth all the risks that is basically the option he is presenting.

I would react in this way. I would tell him that you of course care about yourself too much to be with someone who feels that way. If he changes his mind and thinks he can see you as an equal he can contact you, and if you're still interested and available you'll consider it. Or if you're ok with having him as a sex buddy and the benefits of that are worth all the risks that is basically the option he is presenting.

So here's what happened. I told him I feel like he doesn't put enough into the relationship and that I'd feel better if he came to visit me, like I came to visit him, even if it's just for a weekend. I told him I'd break up with him if he doesn't do that because otherwise I'd just feel like we aren't close enough. He agreed, and in fact said that he'd ask for time off work to do it for me.

When he was at work, though, he texted me saying that he was scared to ask his boss because he didn't want to get fired. So I texted him back saying that I understand and I don't want him to get fired, but that I didn't think it was going to work between us. He then texted me later in the day that he DID eventually ask his boss and he was going to come to visit me for an entire week, including valentine's day. I didn't expect him to do that and it shows a real commitment to me.

However, I still feel sceptical because of what he said before and because I feel like he puts effort into spending time with me rather than *wanting* to do it, but it feels like a bad time to bring it up as he's coming to visit next week and meeting my family. I didn't think I'd still feel that way after he wanted to come to see me. Maybe I sort of feel like I forced him to come here...

I cannot relate to why you would want to spend time with someone who saw you the way he says he sees you -let alone introduce him to family? Especially since you had to give him an ultimatum to see you. Reminds me of a scene in the Joy Luck Club where they talk about knowing your worth in a situation where the woman is married to a man who doesn't treat her with respect and goes so far as to control how much she spends on food while he dines on gourmet ice cream (she divorces him and meets someone worthy of her).

I cannot relate to why you would want to spend time with someone who saw you the way he says he sees you -let alone introduce him to family? Especially since you had to give him an ultimatum to see you. Reminds me of a scene in the Joy Luck Club where they talk about knowing your worth in a situation where the woman is married to a man who doesn't treat her with respect and goes so far as to control how much she spends on food while he dines on gourmet ice cream (she divorces him and meets someone worthy of her).

He also wants to go travelling before settling down. He planned on going to Asia over Easter, which also coincides with my holiday (passover) which I spend with my family. Is it reasonable for me to be upset that he'd rather do that than come to visit me over Passover with my family, or do you think that I should accept that it's a life choice of his to go travelling?

Because he's coming here next week I don't want to bring it up with him yet, but I feel like he's standing his ground over this because he's scared of being controlled by me.

Edit: Maybe I should just pull away a little and see if he changes his mind on his own. I do think that he should come here considering that I went to visit him and his family over Christmas (and also considering he knows how important my family is to me), and also if we don't meet on Easter we wouldn't be able to meet again until the summer, which is a VERY long time away! I'm a bit too truthful with him about how I feel, maybe that just removes the mystery for him and he feels that he knows that it wouldn't jeopardise our relationship (although he's wrong).

Although to be fair, what you're telling me is correct. You're making me want to break up with him right now, even though he told me he felt that way a while ago... but he never took it back. He keeps saying that if we love each other then it'd be worth waiting, but it's much simpler to wait if you're a guy considering you don't have a timeframe for fertility. If it doesn't work for him, he can easily just go and find someone else, but if it doesn't work for me then I'm pretty much doomed to a childless life. I'm taking a big risk, and if he doesn't show me he's doing everything in his power to ensure that I'm his (and that includes coming for Passover) then he is NOT worth my time regardless of how much I might love him.

I'll be nice to him when he comes because I practically pushed his hand to do it, but I think that after that I'll be distant and just see if anything changes. I also think that I shouldn't be the one who's expected to move to the US... he should move here even if his salary is less. I have a good, supporting family, unlike him. If we're to start a family together, having a support system is more important than money (he makes good money in the US, but in the UK it'll be a lot less)

Something that always perplexes me is why he stays with me at all. This dialogue I'm having with you is exactly the type of dialogue I have with him every time I have doubts... that's how open and honest I am with him. I literally tell him I'm questioning our relationship, and I give him the reasons in the same way as I lay them down here.

It boggles my mind why he's still so adamant that we should stay together. He never faltered. His consistency is one of the things that draws me to him the most, he's extremely sure that he wants to be with me and that we should marry eventually. I just really don't understand why. Does that mean I have low self worth, or am I being rational? It seems to me that most people wouldn't want to stay with someone who constantly threatens to break up with them.

Also another thing I didn't mention is that, right at the beginning of our relationship we both confessed our love for each other and I told him it wasn't going to work because of the distance. I then proceeded to break up with him despite the fact that he bought a ticket for me to see him. He became extremely angry, cancelled the ticket (as I asked him to do) and broke a clay model of something he was making for me. I thought we were done, and I was so heartbroken I slept with my ex. About a week later he reached out to me again and wanted to get back together, and I really didn't want to because I slept with my ex, which I told him. He insisted that he understood and said that he still wanted to be with me (because he also did something sexual with someone, but it was online, not physical).

This is something he tries really hard not to mention to me, but he occasionally brings it up when we fight even though it was a long time ago. He now thinks that it was cheating, and every time he brings it up he wants me to be sorry about it rather than justify it (I do justify it because we were broken up, and I don't think it was cheating. I felt very bad when we reconciled and I was very resistant to reconciling BECAUSE of it, but he insisted he wanted to get back together despite it, which is why I refuse to apologise for it now). It's also something negative against me (in his eyes), and I REALLY don't understand why he makes so much of an effort to stay with me after what I did.

I know that one of the things he really likes about me is that he knows he can trust me and that I never sleep around. I only had two boyfriends in the past, and both were long term relationships, and I never slept with anyone else... the low number is attractive to him as well as the fact that it took me a LONG time to warm up to him (i.e. I was "hard to get", which is true, I do take a very long time to become attached to people or to even THINK about sex).

Another thing that he finds attractive about me is that I'm very academic and extremely intelligent, and he knows that I'll be a good wife/mother and I won't rely on him for money. These are all practical reasons.

But if you look purely at our relationship, I still find it difficult to understand why he wants to stay with me, particularly after I slept with my ex. Am I wrong to look at things that way? I do just want to feel loved, and I want him to show it. Maybe the reason I'm so stressed IS that I don't know what he sees in me, and maybe I also realise that he actually doesn't love me as much as he says (if he did, wouldn't he jump at the opportunity to visit me rather than go to Asia?).

"Although to be fair, what you're telling me is correct. You're making me want to break up with him right now, even though he told me he felt that way a while ago... but he never took it back. He keeps saying that if we love each other then it'd be worth waiting, but it's much simpler to wait if you're a guy considering you don't have a timeframe for fertility. If it doesn't work for him, he can easily just go and find someone else, but if it doesn't work for me then I'm pretty much doomed to a childl"ess life. I'm taking a big risk, and if he doesn't show me he's doing everything in his power to ensure that I'm his (and that includes coming for Passover) then he is NOT worth my time regardless of how much I might love him."

It doesn't sound like he's staying with you in any meaningful way -he has to be nagged into seeing you, etc and he doesn't see you as an equal. Imagine having a child with him - do you want the child to experience how her/his dad sees mom as inferior? Do you want your child to be friends with kids who see your child the way your boyfriend says he sees you?

If you "just want to feel loved" you will make bad choices. If you want a loving relationship where you admire and respect each other, from a position of confidence, you'll be more on the right track.

You're not "doomed to a childless life" -to a large extent it is in your control. You can freeze your eggs to give yourself more time to meet the right person, adopt if needed, etc. I only wanted a child in the context of a healthy loving marriage so there was a part that was not in my control (but I also had considered adopting as a single person since then I'd be helping a child already here, not creating a child who from the starting gate would not have an involved father married to me but that's for another day/time).

I would end things with him especially because he's at best lukewarm about you and the relationship and has been honest with you about that. He stays because it takes minimal effort and if he feels like hanging out/hooking up you just ask him how high you should jump.

psot2,

I'm glad you are feeling better, and I am so much more happier to see him being so supportive of you. I hope things work out between you two, and I understand your fear about things not working out and maybe it being too late to have kids.

Perhaps, the fact that you guys have been through so much together, should work as an assurance for you that he really loves you and wants to make this work long-term. I don't think he's going to leave you.

We need to pick our battles. Remember little fights about the dishes, walking the dog, not replying to a text message will do far more damage to your relationship than major red-flags. Imagine your hand being brushed with sandpaper everyday vs having a papercut once in a while. What would cause more permanent damage?

So we need to pick our battles carefully.

You've dealt with all of this so patiently and maturely, worked on yourself, it's really amazing and it definitely will work out well for you!

Don't worry!

Sorry,

Just re-read the other updates by you.

psot2, I'll be honest. He seems like a good guy. I guess you two are just communicating your love very differently. You seem to want words, and he's not about the words.

Believe it or not, I sat down with my brother, some of my male friends and one of my exes and tried to analyze (or over analyze) what my boyfriend was doing. (I broke up with him, more on that later).

But the common denominator was this: PEOPLE SPEAK WITH THEIR ACTIONS. Men speak with their actions. If they love you, they will make time for you, talk to you, maybe withdraw, but always try to fix your issues by arriving at solutions.

But we women value the words more! you know what's wrong with that? Words are the medium to lie. you can say words, and people will never guess your'e lying. But it's much harder to pretend caring for someone.

I get anxiety, but I don't vocalize it. I tend to withdraw as a response. I stay closed off to people so they can't get close enough to affect me and/or I obsess over unavailable people who can't respond to me as I need them to.

I suggest looking into attachment styles. You may have insecure attachment. The book Rewire Your Brain For Love has been useful to me, as I have determined I have an insecure attachment style. It has basic exercises you can start doing right away. I'm sure there are other resources too, but that's one I can personally recommend.

It's not so much that our emotions are not valid but that something rather innocuous is bringing up a past emotional experience; note, this doesn't mean trauma necessarily, but just not being responded to emotionally in a consistently healthy way. It's not something you are consciously remembering with your mind, but rather, via physiological emotional response. This makes your response seem out of proportion to what is actually happening right now. Anyhow, that's my clunky layman's take on it.

I met a guy online. We clicked very easily and could talk about anything. He's charming, mature, knows what he wants from life, and serious. We got very close and even started talking about a potential future together after a few months of talking to each other.

 

My problem is that, whenever I start liking someone in any relationship, I start having fears of losing them. I start to notice all the things that he *isn't* doing. I started asking him whether he actually loved me. I asked him why he doesn't do certain things. I would sometimes become depressed thinking about all of those things.

 

I should note here that this is something that happens to me regardless of whether I'm in a long distance relationship or not. I am a perfectly confident and well-adjusted person outside of relationships, but as soon as I start liking a guy, fear of abandonment kicks in and I become a mess.

 

He flew me over to the US to meet him. We had a great time, but in the last 2 days I reverted back to being insecure. I felt sad that I was leaving, and he told me to stop feeling sad and just be in the moment. Instead of listening to him, I just became insecure because he didn't feel as sad as I did about me leaving...

 

After I got back home, he called me on Skype and we ended up talking to each other a lot. I was still moody/unsure. A day later, he told me we talk too much and we need to reduce it. This, of course, triggered my insecurities even more and after a few hours of not talking to him I told him I wanted to break up. Side note: I almost broke up with him about 10 times throughout our relationships before we met, and he knows that this is an issue I have. With this knowledge in mind, he did not react emotionally and just told me that we're not breaking up but we still need to take a break from talking.

 

I still feel like . I hope I'm not Sabotaging this. He told me He feels overwhelmed and unwanted. I need any advice from anyone who has the same problem as me. I can control how I act for a few months, and then an emotional moment just brings me back to how I was before. How do I make a permanent change in myself and prevent the loss of this relationship?

I can really relate w/you and yes you do need to work on yourself, but your insecurity could be coming from the guys you are dating. As someone mentioned, it seems as though he is not w/you because he wants to be, its as though he feels an obligation. That's how I felt w/my last ex, that I was chore more then anything. Throughout the relationship, it was a nagging feeling, I chalked it up to plain insecurity as the guy I dated before him bailed on me. In reality though my ex was slipping away despite reassuring me that there was nothing wrong, he was never fully committed. I may not be super experienced, but the 1st guy I truly loved, I could feel it and I never doubted that he wanted to be w/me. We didn't work out due to compatibility issues, but it never really felt like I was a burden. I could tell something was off w/my current ex and apparently he had been unhappy for quite some time w/out letting me know about it. People just have a gut feeling and I think it could be your common sense talking. I am starting to date a new guy, I won't let insecurity eat me, but I will be on the look out. Its not me wanting a relationship desperately, before I met my recent ex, I was happy as a clam being single. Him telling you about being unsure isn't helping either and what he is saying is a red flag. My ex was saying this kind of stuff while he was visiting, I straight up asked him if he wanted for us to break up, he said know, but then was super distant when he got home. I really think he was pushing me out the door.

I thought I'd post again because people often leave threads once their issues have been resolved.

I think that my problems were a mixture of genuine issues from my past as well as hormonal imbalances.

I eventually got off the pill, which calmed me down and I am now rarely ever anxious anymore. We talk on Skype every day and we fly to meet each other every few weeks. We argue like a regular couple, but there aren't any big problems. We genuinely love each other.

At the end of the day, if I continued the way that I did, I would have been the one who sabotaged the relationship. My luck was that this guy is very experienced and knows what he wants. He must have realised I was going through hormonal changes and decided to stick through it. He's incredibly supportive and we're lucky to have each other.