Overcoming fear of abandonment

Hi, guys!

I'm not entirely sure this is the right section for my post but I really need a general approach to resolving this issue. Alas, it's not linked to a specific relationship but to each one I'm invested into...

Here are a few words about my current context... I found this forum last year, when I was coping with the consequences of ending a long-term relationship (4.5 years together). It was amicable and I initiated it but it still took me about a year to get over it and feel I might be ready for a new one... So, unexpectedly I met a new person a few months ago. He said he needed things to happen slowly and, since I felt the same, I guess this was what really won my interest...

We've been dating for a couple of months now. I like him a lot. A lot. I've told him so. I also think I'm in love with him but I haven't told him this last revelation, nor do I have the courage to do it.

My nightmare has begun. I'm full of insecurities, I'm highly sensitive and I tend to overthink everything. When someone likes me, I tend to believe he likes an idea in his head and it's only a matter of time to see the 'real' me and back off. It's like I'm even looking for clues of this happening. And when I 'see a clue' I feel sick to my stomach. Yes, there is a physical reaction of this fear - that I will be exposed and rejected, abandoned (once again? I haven't found he origin of the feeling...).

I hate these personal features. I hate the drama that's playing in my head. I would like to be а positive and fun person (and sometimes I am), I would like to just sit back and enjoy but when I get some relationship (romantic or whatever) too seriously - the opposite happens. I can't let go.

To cope with the day-to-day anxiety of the situation, I try distracting the negative thoughts, focusing back on my life and interests, going out with friends and generally - having fun. But in the end of the day I feel insincere and disconnected from everyone... and myself. I have someone to talk to about all of this - I've been in therapy for a couple of years, but there are a few topics I feel really stuck with my whole conscious life - even in therapy.

Rationally, I'm okay, I know I'll eventually be okay with a potential break-up. I've been through painful break-ups before and I've survived. What I suck at is... well, relationships, when they're still going on.

I guess my question is - has anyone else been like that? Have you overcome it? What helped you in your journey?

If it helps - I'm in my late 20's and I live by myself.

And, to excuse myself in advance - english is not my native language.

Thank you! Any input will be appreciated.

First of all, your English is great!

I'm so sorry you are dealing with such a difficult issue Have you brought up your fears of abandonment with your therapist? I haven't dealt with this problem myself, but I've been in relationships with people who are going through similar things -- beautiful girls who think they are ugly, lovable people who think they are unlovable. It's a really interesting dynamic from my perspective, because when I say things like, "You're beautiful" and basically get the "No I'm not" response, I feel like I'm being called a liar. So this is my advice -- when this guy you are with compliments you or tells you how wonderful you are, don't just instantly reject the compliment or the expression of love. You may not be able to really accept it, but just set it on the shelf. At the very least, acknowledge to yourself that he may truly feel that way -- even if you aren't sure why. I'm sure you've seen the elements of self-sabotage in previous relationships associated with constantly looking for the tiniest reason to think your BF is unhappy and ready to end the relationship. All of your instincts are oriented to that mentality, but your instincts are wrong. Instead of trusting yourself, you need to learn to trust the person you are with. It's going to be hard, but if you can learn to accept and love yourself it will go a long way towards helping you heal.

The good thing about this new relationship is that it will bring these negative feelings to the surface where they can be dealt with. If you stay single, the feelings will stay buried and you won't be able to learn how to work through them.

Thank you, gebaird!

Yes, this is a reappearing subject in my therapy. I do have some progress, so you can imagine what it has been like before. I even thought I've figured it out but then the new relationship happened and I see I haven't.

From what you describe you've observed - yes, it's similar, if not exactly the same. Compliments are hard to accept. I can accept and enjoy indirect stuff like "What you've done is ...", "I feel ... about you" but the direct ones "You are ..." make me cringe and feel uncomfortable. I do reject them, nod them off or try to answer with a joke. For example yesterday I was wearing this red dress at work and a female coworker said "You look beautiful today", I answered something like "Well, it's not like that... but thanks anyway" (hard to translate). As you're saying this thing about feeling a liar when your compliment is rejected, I remembered that many years ago I had a boyfriend who was very angry with me for that. He said he felt I don't trust him. It's not about trust - I did believe he may have really thought it, I just didn't believe it's an objective truth. I know it sounds silly, since when someone says "You are ...", what he really says it "I think you are ..." and opinions are subjective by nature. My opinion is not objective either, but it reflects the way I really see things so it overpowers the ones of others, not necessarily in a good way.

And all of this is not about attention seeking. At least not on the surface. Whether I get attention or not, it doesn't change the way my head is wired. And probably so it was with these girls you've been with.

Also, thank you very much for the empathy! For clearance, I want to add that I didn't publish the topic under a dramatic affect and I'm still able to get along with the situation on a daily basis. But I can also see myself slowly slipping into the habbit of self-sabotaging if I don't try to resolve my issue. Or at least to make the next step in resolving it. I'm not sure it won't be a lifetime topic.

What you say about trusting not my instincts but the other person is also tricky. Because often relationships do come to an end for various reasons. And If I've put my trust in the other person and he leaves, this is another evidence of my main undergoing thesis - that I'm not lovable and so on... Maybe there's a healthy way of doing it?

Loving yourself is still a bit abstract. I get the idea. I get why it's not only important but the only functional way of being in this world. But the way it happens is still slippery. For example, I feel good about myself when I do good things for other people or when I don't shove my insecurities at them or when I'm productive for myself or when I'm creative. But this is not unconditional, these are all 'if'-s. The bright side. And let's face it - we are not glowing with our brightest side all the time, nor I find it healthy to try too hard to do so. How do you love your shady side? How do you also love yourself in situations when you're stuck, petty, ugly, stupid and so on? When you're 'only human'. It's not a rhetorical question, I'm very interested in the practical steps of doing it.

I really like your last remark, good point! At least I have the opportunity to not sweep it under the rug. See, these kind of points can really make my day!

To be honest, no one likes rejection or abandonment so the "fear of" abandonment never made sense as a pop psychology cliche.

It's part of the normal human condition to dislike things that are painful or hurtful. However it's also normal for those things to occur throughout life.

Getting overly attached to outside and thus uncontrollable opinions can of course make people miserable.

I'm impressed by your self-awareness. You may not know exactly how to get past these issues, but you are at least aware of them, and awareness is the beginning of change.

Optimists and pessimists can both find evidence to support their various claims. The pessimist will argue that relationships end and failure is inevitable. In one sense, this is true. But the problem with the pessimist is that he ignores evidence that contradicts his views. Some relationships last, and some failures are the building blocks to success. There is beauty and love in this world that the pessimist can't see, but the optimist sees the ugliness and hate and still chooses to believe in beauty and goodness. It's not about objective truth; no one sees with total clarity. It's about looking at the world in a way that serves you.

I've spent much of my life avoiding pain, protecting my heart and refusing to make myself vulnerable. As it turns out, this isn't much of a life. Now I'm in the arena, which means I'm going to be criticized, rejected and misunderstood. Sometimes I'll fall flat on my face, but I'd rather die trying than live in hiding.

Maybe loving yourself is another way of saying "allow others to love you." You can learn to love your shadow self by recognizing that it's a part of you. Instead of fighting a constant internal battle, you can accept that this is who you are -- the good and the bad together in a single person. You can acknowledge your fear and allow it to exist, but don't allow it to completely control you.

Keep working through your insecurities in therapy, but look for other methods as well: yoga, meditation, self-help books, classes and seminars, creativity, etc. Think of your progress like a combination lock: every effort will get you closer to the right combination until eventually the lock will spring open and you will be healed and happy and peaceful and whole.

This new relationship may or may not work out. Allow it to unfold the way it's meant to, and don't get too attached to outcomes. It's just an opportunity, just an experience. Be open to new possibilities, and remember that there is good in you. Focus on it.

Wiseman2, I'm not sure what you're saying here. To be honest, I kinda get your statement as "everybody goes through that, get over it". But to me there's a certain difference between disliking something when it happens and being so fearful of it that it is a problem before it is really a problem. For example - fear of serious diseases and not wishing it to anyone and hypochondria, on the other hand. Fear is normally a part of the self-preservation mechanism but when this mechanism gets triggered by just a slight resemblance of a previously hurtful (thus dangerous) situation and when with time the resemblance becomes more and more vague then... then I guess you start living a pop psychology cliche. You get it. I don't dismiss the purpose of fear. But if I'm missing something in your answer I'll be glad to hear it.

Agree. Anxiety is different than fear because it is more based on what ifs. For example everyone would fear sticking their hand in a fire because they know for certain it would create pain, either through instinct, experience or knowledge. Also agree that there's a good reason not to "become" and illness as an identity

I guess you start living a pop psychology cliche.

Exposure. If you are afraid of something, you face it and expose yourself to it in small increments.

Regroup, rethink, self soothe and trust yourself.

. . .And expose yourself again.

I think the time you took to heal from your last relationship was good, but getting back on the horse, so to speak if often scary.

Especially when you've been thrown off and hurt.

With practice, you get better at it and it doesn't happen overnight.

Be patient with yourself.

I also realized something along time ago. I spent an exorbitant amount of time looking for someone I could trust and feeling afraid.

It dawned on me that that energy was better spent on learning to trust myself.

Trust that I knew how to handle disappointment, make better choices and that no matter what, I'd be fine.

Hi, guys!

 

I'm not entirely sure this is the right section for my post but I really need a general approach to resolving this issue. Alas, it's not linked to a specific relationship but to each one I'm invested into...

 

Here are a few words about my current context... I found this forum last year, when I was coping with the consequences of ending a long-term relationship (4.5 years together). It was amicable and I initiated it but it still took me about a year to get over it and feel I might be ready for a new one... So, unexpectedly I met a new person a few months ago. He said he needed things to happen slowly and, since I felt the same, I guess this was what really won my interest...

We've been dating for a couple of months now. I like him a lot. A lot. I've told him so. I also think I'm in love with him but I haven't told him this last revelation, nor do I have the courage to do it.

 

My nightmare has begun. I'm full of insecurities, I'm highly sensitive and I tend to overthink everything. When someone likes me, I tend to believe he likes an idea in his head and it's only a matter of time to see the 'real' me and back off. It's like I'm even looking for clues of this happening. And when I 'see a clue' I feel sick to my stomach. Yes, there is a physical reaction of this fear - that I will be exposed and rejected, abandoned (once again? I haven't found he origin of the feeling...).

 

I hate these personal features. I hate the drama that's playing in my head. I would like to be а positive and fun person (and sometimes I am), I would like to just sit back and enjoy but when I get some relationship (romantic or whatever) too seriously - the opposite happens. I can't let go.

 

To cope with the day-to-day anxiety of the situation, I try distracting the negative thoughts, focusing back on my life and interests, going out with friends and generally - having fun. But in the end of the day I feel insincere and disconnected from everyone... and myself. I have someone to talk to about all of this - I've been in therapy for a couple of years, but there are a few topics I feel really stuck with my whole conscious life - even in therapy.

 

Rationally, I'm okay, I know I'll eventually be okay with a potential break-up. I've been through painful break-ups before and I've survived. What I suck at is... well, relationships, when they're still going on.

 

I guess my question is - has anyone else been like that? Have you overcome it? What helped you in your journey?

If it helps - I'm in my late 20's and I live by myself.

 

And, to excuse myself in advance - english is not my native language.

Thank you! Any input will be appreciated.

All of what you wrote...the anxiety, the disconnected feeling from others and yourself...... have you suffered trauma of some kind? I'm in a layer/phase of healing right now where that is a constant....along with thoughts of being left by those now close to me. Mine is linked to trauma and I've been told these are common symptoms. A

gebaird, I like this hue of self-loving you mention - "allow others to love you". It kinda coincides with something my therapist told me, she said "accept that others see something in you that you don't see yourself". I know we all have all shades of characteristics but it's easier to allow others to have their weaknesses because I also recognise the 'good' (or let's say what I like and admire in them) is there. However, when you live in your head you're very aware of your own ill side and sometimes it prevails. I'm interested - what made you go out on the playground, what was the turning point for you?

reinventmyself, I think I recently realised that I continue wishing there was someone for me. Someone whose hug I could sink into and feel... fully understood, accepted. I think this is a very child-like yearning and since I'm a grown-up now I shouldn't rely on others to be my, well - parents, right? I should be able to provide that security for myself, no matter who is or isn't around, and sometimes I can do it. I guess patience is what I lack. And every setback makes me feel like I haven't made a single step forward. The patterns still exists and it exists because I'm feeding it somehow. It's discouraging. So part of my question to all of you, who have been through something dysfunctional is - is it completely gone now or is it just not powerful enough anymore so you're easily able to shake it off? Is it a spiral or is it behind your back.

Vanishing Girl, I'm sorry you've been through something traumatic and I wish you strength and courage and to be able to recognise the steps that lead you to healing! To see the process developing and to eventually fully recover!

There was nothing severe in my case. I'm still going back in time trying to figure out what was that I found so hurtful that messed me up. For example, in my family there was alcohol involved (my authoritarian father) and thus - yelling and blaming for no reason and a lot of walking on eggshels around. Fortunately, it never got to physical abuse. I should mention that this picture is quite common for the country I come from (a bit on the poor side, lots of unsatisfaction and the parents' generation been through hardship themselves - long story). So nothing exceptional, a lot of people have been through it and are just fine (my brother included). I always had shelter, food to eat and clothes to wear. Also, in their own way, my family is and has been there for me for important things. The tables have even turned and now they're more affectionate towards me than I'm to them. But maybe I didn't feel it enough when I originally needed it, who knows...

Another thing is a was paid for good grades and had to pay back for poor ones. I guess this strengthened the belief I should 'deserve' something to have it - be it money, good attitude or, who knows, maybe even love.

I've been picked on here and there (let's say mostly in middle school) but, again, nothing severe and not for a long period. Also, I believe children pick on someone who they feel is 'weaker', so bullying is a consequence, not a root cause.

To sum it up - I grew up in an environment with good intentions and poor execution.

People have been through much much worse. The things is - different people go through obsticles in different ways - some learn to face and fight and some learn to avoid and cry. I learnt the latter and I wonder why. I know it's time to learn the former.

You know my brother grew up (obviously) with the same parents as I and had it way worse than I did, but he doesn't have the problems I do. Everyone responds differently to situations present while growing up.....I am an extremely sensitive person. Did I get that way because of the abuse I endured/witnessed or have always been?

Just food for thought.

At the same time I've always myself wondered why I was affected so much more (seemingly) by the events than my brother especially since he experienced far worse.

Hoping you find the best way to navigate through this and the answers you seek. I wasn't so painfully aware of how my background impacted my present until a huge life event (son born and mother passed away) and now it's in my face daily to deal with. Has a major change happened for you recently or have you always been aware of this underlying issue?

I also wanted to share with you that once I changed up therapists I not only learned more techniques for connecting to my body (important for switching fight or flight response) but even the techniques I learned with old therapist communicated slightly different meant I learned how to do something old in a new way, which is actually making a difference.

As these fearful and anxious fueled new events come up in my life and the more I connect with my body the more I am remembering and learning about my past. The new therapy aims at putting me back into authentic connection with my body while at the same time learning techniques to help me cope with anxieties. I'm only 2 months in but I definitely notice a difference overall. Keeping busy and trying to ignore the anxiety I felt actually made it worse....embracing it and learning from it seems to be more effective (at least right now).

Check out somatic experiencing and Peter Levine.

I'm interested - what made you go out on the playground, what was the turning point for you?

I got tired of other people telling me what I could or couldn't be, so I did what I wanted for a change. I learned to play piano and guitar. I started writing books. I read extensively (Brene Brown, Eckhart Tolle and Byron Katie were the most influential authors). I let go of the need to be perfect and aimed for "good enough" instead, in every area of my life. I learned that it's possible to recover from failure, that I don't need to apologize for who I am, and that I alone am responsible for my results. I stopped chasing happiness and started choosing it. I stopped beating myself up when I fell short, and I learned how to relentlessly pursue my goals.

Vanishing Girl, I'm sorry for your loss! I also read a little bit about your situation and I salute you for the decision to go back to therapy. Everybody needs a safe place and it's best when he builds it within somehow. I hope what you're doing now not only gives you the initial push but also for the good changes to persist. It's very empowering to see how previously affective situations no longer have an impact on you. Even small ones or one at a time.

In my case issues reemerged because of the new relationship and the potential of it growing into a serious one. Nothing major than that.

Changing therapists could broaden the view but at the moment I'm committed to my current one. We've been working together for three years now and she's helped me tremendously. I think I should add something else to the process, but I don't feel like starting all over again with a different person. Reconnecting on a physical level is what has helped me before, I should go back to that, thanks. I'll check your recommendation.

gebaird, I see... It's counterintuitive to aim for perfect when you're feeling so down, since the leap seems impossible to be taken. I'm still stuck on the "good enough is mediocre" and thus on beating myself up. At least I recently try to not apologize for who I am (I do apologize when I've been wrong, of course). After all, nobody else cares too much, other people don't stay or go based on apologies. And it doesn't do anything else except feeding the need to do it again and again... I see it more as a bad habit and sometimes to get rid of an expression of an issue helps with the issue itself. By the way, I'm also learning to play the guitar for the first time in my life. It makes me happy.

Also, I want to inform you of something that a find funny. After all, it turned out I had a reason to freak out this time. There was a problem that was not only in my head but fortunately we talked it out. The funny part is I thought it was coming from him and he thought it was coming from me whilst none of us had any bad intentions or did anything wrong. I was shocked to see how much we're mirroring one another in this relationship. I'm used to being the overthinking one and now there are two of those at the same place. It's going to be quite a ride...

To sum it up, my intuition wasn't wrong. Thus for me the question of how to differentiate between intuition and fear stays. From both I get a physical reaction (tight feeling in the chest/solar plexus/stomach), so that's not something I can rely on.

Hi Joyful,

I have dealt with the issues of rejection, abandonment and low self worth. These were deep seated issues that began with my father giving me up for adoption at 1 year of age. These effected every relationship in my life. It was my issue not theirs. It took a lot of self reflection, reading, and hard work to overcome this core issue. Good news is that you can overcome it! One book I would like to suggest is "exposing the rejection mindset". This is a Christian based book, so it may or may not be right for you.

I wish you the best in your journey.

I think you may be way overthinking all of this.

It's normal in the beginning stages of dating someone, especially when you are developing a strong attachment to someone to feel vulnerable.

While things are still forming they feel fragile and it takes some time before it feels stable and secure.

Try to resist labeling yourself with all sorts of personal issues which will only make it worse.

From where I sit what you are feeling is perfectly normal.

Relax, breath, enjoy and trust that what ever happens you can handle it.

Thank you all for your input!

I must admit - reading your answers helped me a lot to calm myself down last time but here I am again. It's late at night, I'm smoking cigarette after cigarette when I should just go to bed, since I have to be up early for work...

Anxious again. Needing to vent. I hope it's okay to do it...

I'll let myself be vulnerable with you...

Lately with my guy... I find myself just unable to take my eyes and hands off him when we're together. And when we're not, sometimes his face would flash into my mind and I'll feel this inner smile and warmth towards him.

I think I'm pretty much in love. Which is a nice feeling but in my situation, it is paired with the need to figure out where the other person stands. So, right now I'm overthinking, smoking and (mis)reading signals. (:

My guy is surely warm and sensitive, it would be impossible for me to be with him if he wasn't. And he eagerly speaks his mind but... he rarely speaks his heart, if I can express it this way. I don't know what's going on in there. I'm not sure he finds it hard to do it, doesn't want to do it or there isn't much to say yet anyway. Actually, he's been kinda secretive/protective of his private space the whole time. I'll give you two examples. First, I don't know if he's ever been in a (serious) relationship before. Now, I don't want to be misinterpreted - his past is not my business as mine is not his. But just as a simple fact. He's never talked about it, never slipped a story, joke, side note or anything. Second, at some point I sensed he has had some tough family situation but he didn't tell me anything before I asked him straight about it. I do respect his ability to keep his private life... well, private. But maybe I wish at some point he starts trusting me a little bit more and makes me a part of it. Do you think I'm rushing into things with this desire? I'm ready to give him time and space for that, of course, I'm not questioning him inappropriately or anything. But I feel I'm already 'there' with the trust and he's not and may never be. To give you some time frame - we've been seeing each other since around September. And we've never discussed it straight (we didn't need to) but we're exclusive.

The other thing that prevents me from sleeping tonight is how he answers to my words of affection. If I admit something to him (which I'm very careful about so that I don't come on too strong to him), usually in a light and slightly joking manner, he'll just smile, pick up on the joke itself or change the subject. We're seeing each other 1-2 times per week, usually around weekends. The rest of the week we may exchange a few lines every (other) day just to catch up. So, if upon saying goodbye I write something personally sweet, he'll answer with something impersonally nice and goodbye/good night.

Okay, just putting it all into words calmed me down. I know it sounds a bit like a teenage drama. But romance seems to degrade me back to those times. I'm not sure what my general question is. All I'm sure of is I'll have more of this nitpicking moments the more serious we get. I'll appreciate any comment or advice on how to cope with them and not sink into insecurity. It's very unproductive and tiring.

I'm going to bed now. Thank you for reading!

hi there

i am going through similar emotions, and feel that i am getting myself in a really good place at the moment so ill share my thoughts with you.

fear of abandonment is often about not believeing that you can be ok on your own, that you have all the skills to make you feel secure. its about looking outside of yourself for comfort and security. so the key is your confidence, self worth and being able to really believe that your happiness comes from within you, not from another person.

i have jumped from relationship to relationship my whole life and wanted to figure out what that was about. id also always been drawn to emotionally unavailable men, but yet always would put 100% into every relationship trying to make it work, even when there were probems that i shouldnt have tried to work through.

i wondered if i was addicted to relationships, but then realised it wasnt relationships but emotional attachment that i was addicted to.

i thought about it all and got to a point where i figured out that i too was afraid to be on my own...i was afraid of not having the skills to actually be ok on my own.

it turned out that if i was seeking unavailable men then it was because i was actually unavailable myself...that was a hard one to get my head round! That my fear of being abandoned had resulted in me chosing men that my unconscious knew i could never actually really get truely close to, thus preserving myself in some way.

i was also reinacting my relationship with my mum who was emotionally unavailable and trying to get a different result from men who were emotionally witholding...trying to get them to love me.

i decided that this being all based on fear i needed to face those fears, i knew that there was a confident me, and a confused me, i just had to find out how to understand the confused me. i think i have now.

during this time ive been reading some good books but probably the one that resonated with me was called 'obsessive love-susan forward'. Dont be put off by the title, im not suggesting you are a stalker! and neither am i, but the principles behind 'over thinking' are the same. its about being in relationships where the true intimacy is just out of reach that you begin intensely anaylsing and thinking and making them the object of your attention, the answer to your happiness...so much so that they become more important than you!

its all about how you make the person the 'everything' that you cant bear to lose, because inside you believe if you lose them you'll fall apart...truth is that you wont.

another good one is 'mr unavailable and the fall back girl' from the author of baggage reclaim blog. same as above, looking at why we chose this type of partner. you have already shown in your post above that he is emotionally unavailable to some degree and you are asking 'why is he this, why is he that?' - if you think of that as 'obsessing' it becomes easier to step away from it... the questions you should be asking yourself are 'if he does this, is he the man for me?'... not 'if he does this what does it mean? should i do this or that? ' because then your focus is on him and not you...see.

i hope some of that helps. you are doing great and figuring out what it is and where it comes from, once ypu really pin it down to where it stems from in you, youll be amazed at how much more complete you feel in yourself.

"Compliments are hard to accept." because the message internally wired in you is 'hmm that cant be true'... ok, so you said that its subjective and only his or her point of view...but that doesnt mean its any less true. tell me one thing that every human being in the planet agrees on? struggling? lol

compliments are someone opinion, just like you have an opinion on what clothes you like to wear, is that wrong too? the first step to changing that negative voice inside your unconscious is to begin by not dismissing compliments... you have to say 'thank you', just thank you.... think of it in terms of if you cooked a meal...if someone said it was nice, would you say ' oh no, this? i just threw it together', or did some good work, or did something nice for someone, etc.

also you mentioned 'habit of self-sabotaging'...yep...because on an unconscious level you are afraid to be truely vulnerable and are possibly also emotionally unavailable yourself... oh...that reminds me of another book i read 'relationship saboteurs'

loving yourself - i also struggled with this. i think me and you could have some interesting conversations! lol well i think its more about 'accepting yourself' . so accepting the things you need to work on, accepting the times you can be a bit of a s**t bag, and accepting the times you are lovely.

i was listening to the song 'a thousand years - christina perri' yesterday. years ago i was in a relationship and used to think about a guy when listening to this.... yesterday i listened to it again, imagining that if i was a soul bouncing from one body to the next, as Buddhists and Hindus believe, then this song could be about me. i imagined me singing it to myself, about how i was getting one step closer to being my 'authentic self', and how the journey has been a struggle. you might think im crazy but i tell you what, i was beaming... thinking YES i can love me! lol.... suddenly all those love songs can be about me loving me wooo hoooo!

ok so maybe im a little crazy, but hey, it feels good x

Tinkyonks, wow, what a nice answer! (: I have a lot of comments...

First of all, I'm glad you're at a good place yourself now and I don't doubt it is because of some hard self-work.

I think you've got the gist of the situation. My case is similar to your experience but the nuances are a bit different.

So, second of all, I'm not exactly scared of being alone. I function okay alone and I'm less careful with what impression I leave in people. It's when I'm in a relationship and would like my better part to shine in front of the person I'm with that makes me inadequate. And when I'm trying my best and I still feel rejected, well - there is the anxiety and the proof I'm not good enough.

Third - the addiction problem is spot on. I like it when I have an object I can pour out my love on. And it's the right kind of love (it's genuine, with the care, acceptance and freedom) but the object is never me. When I'm on my own I never take proper care of myself. I would eat bad, sleep bad, leave a mess at home. I would binge on everything and call that "caring". When there's "someone better", I'll get out of my comfort zone and get the extra mile. Having someone by my side is very motivating overall and that's why I can honestly say I've learnt most of my lessons through relationships.

Fourth, I'll mention a book that helped me tremendously - it's "The Eden Project: In Search of the Magical Other" by James Hollis. Maybe I should re-read it.

Fifth, about choosing the unavailable type.... This one is a bit sour for me. I rejected someone who was truly loving and supporting (like only a true friend or a close family member could be) and again preferred to chase after the wild one. I was able to see it even when it was happening but I couldn't help myself. So, I decided not to beat up myself over the decision but to go one more time down that road and try to see what I'm refusing to learn. But then I got overwhelmed and lost in the emotions. Thus, I started this topic.

Sixth, when I'm overanalysing stuff I tend to turn them towards me. Not so much "why is he doing this" but "what did I do wrong so that he's doing this" ("this" being a very familiar behavior I've got in other relationships as well). I do believe everyone can be emotionally available but, of course - not to everybody else. I guess I'm choosing to be with people to whom I may not be that special someone. I think I'm more and more aware of why I'm bringing up this certain behavior in them. Obviously, I''ve not figured it out entirely yet,

Seventh, I absolutely love the idea of looking at love songs as songs about myself. I've never seen it this way and I find it, well, genius! Sounds like so much fun. I find it imaginative, not crazy.

Thank you a million times! That's what I feel I need. Someone who's been there and took the creative path to get out of their own rut.

hi again

Thankyou, yes i'm in a better place but i get peaks and troughs and i think when youre trying to undo years of learned behaviour and rewiring your brain its a constant journey of action-reflection-planning-new action... like you would in a job! lol

so...scared of being alone... i hear you, youre not scared of being alone, me either. But look at the words you used ' i function ok', thats like 'i can do it if i have to' if youre alone you have no one to reflect from, its a time that you can stop trying to 'be' something to someone else. there is so much relief in that, its like taking a holiday from trying to 'be the best' (which you said is never good enough anyway). having time on your own forces you to just think about what you want to do, theres no one else to please, or consider, or worry about what they are thinking. when you are so used to thinking about what someone else thinks of you, you forget that the important thing is what you think of you.

your third point fits with this. i always felt i was happier when i was with someone too, of course i thought i should go find that person to make me happy. then i realised that it was me that was creating the happiness, not the other person. it was how i felt about that person that made me feel happy. i realised that it wasnt always even real... i could be in love with complete and utter ???!!**'s... so how could that be right? The idea of chasing something just out of reach was like a drug, it MUST be love if im working so hard for it... my childhood was full of drama and angst and tension, this felt familiar to me, for love to feel like love it had to be hard work, because thats what i was used to. (enter another book called 'ready to heal' lol). so, like you, in walks mr no drama and it just wasnt intense enough. but to break that cycle you cant force yourself to love mr not intense, you will just get bored. you have to work on being comfortable without drama by yourself first and then identify whats triggering you, so you can separate your feelings from him...remember its you projecting onto him.

sixth... yes but it is still ABOUT him 'what did i do? (low self worth and blame part) to make him (the object of your affection/challenge/goal/obession) do xyz? this is the challenge for you, and as long as you are stuck herein this place you will seek out people that cause you to question like this all the time. Because 1. it actually stops you moving on and 2. It keeps the challenge/drama/low self esteem/blame fuelled. Another good person to read or watch on Ted talks is Brene Brown, all about guilt, vulnerability and shame.

When something happens, you should ask first ask 'how do I feel?' 'what did he just do?' 'why did he just do that?' ' am i feeling happy right now'... chance are its exhausting! other peoples actions are not always because of us. you are responsible for you, but its up to him how he reacts, and no amount of trying to change you is going to get you the reaction from him you want because actually by changing yourself into what you THINK he wants means you are no longer being you, and not authentic, and it will end sooner or lateranyway because youre not a good fit.

The right relationship will not cause you to question yourself, because you will understand each other. but first you need to be in an emotionally available place to be able to be comfortable in the right relationship, rather than running away from who you really are and trying to be who they want you to be....because every time you do that you send a message to your brain that what HE wants is more important because you are just not good enough as you are. And so the cycle continues, relationship after relationship, giving 110% every time only for it to never work out eventually and so you start again, until you are 44 and posting on enotalone to try and help someone else not rinse repeat time and time again loool

Finally...you MUST buy - 'hes just not that into you' it is HILARIOUS, if you can get it on audiobook then its better because its like having a big brother just talk to you and make you laugh, and cringe, at the things you do in relationships that are one sided...i think you'd like it and it will make you realise that all this is more common than you think x